After Three Years, I Need Some Outside Help

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now (our anniversary is coming up next week). He was diagnosed with Celiac around the same time that we started going out, so I have been there pretty much from the beginning. At first, I was clueless about Celiac, but I wanted to be there for him, so I did tons of research to get a grasp on what exactly we were dealing with.

In the three years that we have been together, we have gone out to eat one time--for our birthdays last year at a wonderful Italian restaurant that I found online.

I am concerned because even after my earnest efforts to have us research dining and traveling options together, my boyfriend seems decidely unenthusiastic about both. I was particularly crushed recently when I bought a gluten-free restaurant guide for us to look at together to try to find a few local restaurants where we could go to eat on special occassions... but it has been over a month and no progress has been made.

I love my boyfriend dearly and I completely understand his hesitation at diving head-first into unfamiliar situations where he could possibly be "glutened." I would not want him to eat anywhere or do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable. However, I am also concerned that his unwillingness to try eating out or traveling is going to negatively affect our relationship (we have already gotten into a few small fights about it). I plan on being with him for a long time and was wondering if anyone has tips on how to ease him into dining out or traveling with Celiac. I'm looking for help not only for me but, more importantly, for him--I want him to realize that having Celiac doesn't mean he needs to miss out on great experiences!

Thanks for your help!

GlutenFreeGirlfriend

P.S. We live in the Lehigh Valley/Philly area if anyone has any good restaurant suggestions.

[2kids4me]

It is a tough place to be. In our family - it is the kids who are celiacs, we dont eat out often but I make the effort to find places and teach them how to eat safely, to not be shy about speaking to the chef. We went to Disneyland and it was great experience all around.

Correct me if I am off track - it is hard to judge online but the picture you paint - is that you have been supportive from the beginning, you researched celiac and understand the importance of gluten-free. You went to the trouble of finding restaurant guides so he could dine safely.........and his repsonse - basically nothing. You must feel rejected.

You would like to enjoy a meal out and have him be more adventurous in gluten-free dining.

There are safe restaurants with excellent chefs who can provide a wonderful meal that is gluten-free.

The question is - after you have been supportive of his needs, why is he unwilling to experiment? is he afraid of being glutened? A real fear but one he could address by talking to the chef before he dines there.

If you are willing to go the extra mile for him, what stops him form going the extra mile for you? Is he an introvert? Before he was diagnosed celiac - did he go out much then or is this how he always was?

It will cause resentment over time unless you have frank discussion - tell him how it makes you feel and tell him what you need from him.

Does he know any other celiacs, is there a local chapter you both could join? Support from other celiacs that dine out may be the kickstart he needs to go for it.

Hopefully someone will post who has been in your position before and can be of more help than I can. Just thought I'd add some things to think about.

We go out about once a month AND my son has to deal with diabetes and balancing carbs on top of the celiac when he is at a restaurant. He is 11 and does great.

[tarnalberry]

Was he really sick before his diagnosis? He may be *paranoid* about the contamination. It's hard to understand what it's like to literally put your health in the hands of the cook behind the stove, and the waiter/waitress who's getting paid minimum wage, when most people don't know what the heck gluten is, or even that flour is made from wheat. You are right that he can still enjoy eating out, but don't expect him to do it often (twice a month is about my limit, baring very odd circumstances).

That said, I'd encourage you to do what you have, and to go during off hours (non-busy hours), and to call restaurants ahead of time. Go to places that already have a gluten free menu (like Outback and PF Changs, to name a few). Go to upscale places where the chef will come out and talk to him. And realize that he may be too shy to do the talking himself. (Some people do not want to explain the problem to others.)

[hez]

Shortly after my dx my Mom expressed concern for my social life. Her comment was something like I hope this does not make you an intervert. And it is hard to put yourself out there. To leave the safe environment and put yourself at risk. If going out was hard on him before dx I could see how this might feel impossible to him now with the dx.

However, there comes a time when you need to live your life. Recognize the risk and then take a calculated one. Life is full of risk. Driving a car is a common everyday risk. Somewhere there is a balance between him staying comfortable and you both having an enjoyable social life. Full of travel (not good on this one), food (gluten-free of course) and laughter.

I wish I could be of more help.

Hez

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

Thank you so much for your response. It really hit the nail on the head. I do feel somewhat rejected at his lack of responsiveness to my efforts to help him--and us! I by no means expect him to eat out all the time, just every now and then so we could enjoy an occassional date where we don't have to do all the cooking.

I'm not quite sure why he is so hesitant to experiment. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he sees his Celiac Disease as a weakness, which it clearly is not. He knows I am willing to talk to restaurants if he doesn't want to, as I have done so before. Before he was diagnosed with Celiac, he was very sick. He did go out and do normal things, but he missed a lot of school and had trouble sleeping, which limited his social life to some extent.

Whenever I try to approach the subject, he just gets angry and upset with me and we get nowhere. It is very frustrating to me because I've tried talking to him about it on many occassions and I'm tired of being the one to bring it up--I want to have a dialogue, not a one-way conversation.

If you are willing to go the extra mile for him, what stops him form going the extra mile for you?

That quote really struck a cord with me because I am so willing to go the extra mile for him, but I feel a great deal of guilt when I get upset with him for not doing the same. I don't want to be demanding or unreasonable, but I think I deserve for him to at least try to work with me on this.

I know you said we do not share the same position but just talking to someone is very helpful for me--I appreciate your insight!

[tarnalberry]

That quote really struck a cord with me because I am so willing to go the extra mile for him, but I feel a great deal of guilt when I get upset with him for not doing the same. I don't want to be demanding or unreasonable, but I think I deserve for him to at least try to work with me on this.

Do not feel guilty for trying to constructively address your needs! You two may need to talk - not about how to go out to dinner safely - but about how to communicate and work through this issue in your lives. Communication is part of the problem, and cooperation is part of the problem as well, but you can't solve the latter without solving the former.

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

"What we've got here is failure to communicate." --Cool Hand Luke

Hope you all enjoyed my quote, haha. I guess I am just not sure how to broach the subject with him considering the fact that I have been unsuccessful in the past. Suggestions?

[gfp]

Hope you all enjoyed my quote, haha. I guess I am just not sure how to broach the subject with him considering the fact that I have been unsuccessful in the past. Suggestions?

This would largely depend on his character.

We are having a whole thread at the moment about celaics with "social disorders" it won't hurt to read it.

Open Original Shared Link

Also at one point I terrified myself about food, its easy to do when everything seems to have potential to make you ill. Also in the thread above if you took a sliding scale between Ursual and a "normal" person I feel I fit inbetween but if Im glutened I do a big slide in Ursula's direction.

On top of this I become someone I don't like, become depressed and generally push people away ....

It could be your BF has noticed his mood changes and is scared to go back to that place for fear of loosing you. If he gets glutened it could be weeks till he returns fully to normal... are you ready for it?

[rinne]

Interesting. I am torn between sympathy for your boyfriend and concern for you.

From your story, it appears that you are willing to leave your comfort zone to be with this young man but it does not appear that he is willing to do the same for you. I wonder if, because he was so ill in the beginning and perhaps couldn't really do much for you, this has been set up as the primary dynamic.

I know what it is like to be really sick and now that I know it is Celiac I can see how it has affected my life. I know that there have been times in my life I was "running on empty". I didn't have much to give to anyone and so I have sympathy for your young man. I've been married to my sweetie for twenty years now and I am very grateful that he did not leave me though there were times when it might have been much better for him to do so, that gives me sympathy for you. As someone else suggested, you might want to read the thread about Celiacs and "social disorders".

Three years is a long time to be in a relationship when you are young so I am assuming that your boyfriend has some wonderful qualities, perhaps if you were able to work on communicating with each other things could change but I would advise you to look deeply and honestly at the real dynamic of your relationship.

What do you know in your gut?

[debmidge]

Gluten Free Girlfriend: I am in the same boat right now and I'll send you a personal message rather than on the board as I am uncomfortable with a broad communication on this topic.

Suffice it to say that my husband has been diagnosed with celiac disease for only 2.5 years so far; we've been married 27 years; he was very ill when I married him and thought he just had a bad case of IBS/colitis/illeitus/irritable bowel disease.

[nettiebeads]

Does he know about the Triumph dining cards? They have been a big help to me. And there are restaurants out there with gluten-free menus. Celiac isn't a death sentence when treated properly; but food is such a social event that I understand both sides of your problem. I'd like to eat out more-but my hubby is an ex-chef and doesn't like to spend money on a dinner that he could have prepared better and cheaper.

Annette

[happygirl]

Hey gfgf!

As someone who has greatly benefitted from the support of her bf/fiance/husband (he was there through it all!), I know that he does appreciate all that you do for him. Having the support of your significant other can truly make a world of difference.

We are all different but I am just going to put this out there. I am an extremely sensitive Celiac---I get sick from tiny amounts of cross-contamination. Sometimes I even get sick while we are at the restaurant, and it lasts for days. In the beginning, I would eat out all the time at places with gluten-free menus. I have the cards, I talk to managers, cooks, waitresses, etc. etc. etc. Since I am very sensitive, I tell them very clearly things that could make me sick (gloves on someone that touched a bun, utensils that were in another pot, etc.) Everyone "gets" it and is responsive. I go to the same 3 or 4 places....and have gotten violently ill at every place. Not every time, mind you, but honestly, with the way I get sick, it isn't worth it. Outback Steakhouse, Pf Chang's, all the fast food places, etc----I have been sick at them ALL! To me, what is the fun in paying someone to make me sick and ruin a delightful evening with Eric, plus be sick for days?

I would guess that your best bet would be to find one place---potentially, not even a chain. Get to know the staff, talk to the manager, etc. I order things that are very simple and plain (scallops with butter and wine, steamed shrimp) so that there are fewer steps involved and less risk of cross-contamination. I talk to the manager about exactly what the process is. This is not to say that CC won't happen, but it does lower the risk instead of something that is complicated and has lots of steps. Do you know other Celiacs? It might be worthwhile to ask them where they go---maybe there is a local place that is particularly sensitive and already truly "gets" it. As you know, gluten-free ingredients are only one part of the puzzle----CC is the other.

I still go out---I can always have a drink. And I know it is frustrating, but for me, the risk is TRULY too high. There are many who can eat out successfully, others who can only eat at certain places, and others who literally do not eat out EVER. We are all Celiacs, but our reactions and implications of those actions vary. My husband and I dated for 4 and married for 2....we have gone from "hey, I'm sure that X is safe, I'll just eat it" to only eating at gluten-free restaurants (but often) to only occassionally going to gluten-free restaurants....now we are at the point where I eat maybe once a month at a local place that knows me. Other than that, we have wonderful friends and family who cook gluten-free for us.

I hope that the two of you find a good balance, and will find something that works for yall!!!!!!!

[eKatherine]

I know you mean well, doing all these things for him, but it's also possible that he hasn't really accepted responsibility for his own health, which you seem to have done singlehandedly. He may be transferring his resentment at the diagnosis onto you.

[CarlaB]

I can understand how both of you feel. There are many restaurants out there with gluten-free menus, which seems to mean the kitchen is better prepared for handling a gluten-free dinner. We have been eating out at Outback, Bonefish Grill, PF Changs, Cheeseburger in Paradise, Maggiano's, Chick-fil-a (grilled chicken salad and waffle fries), etc. All are easy since you order directly off the gluten-free menu. What I'm wondering is, is he sensitive to the fact that he is going to have to bring attention to himself by ordering special? Or is he afraid of being glutened? I've never been glutened from these restaurants, and it's very easy to order, the only thing that makes you stand out just a little is asking for the gluten-free menu.

We have a couple other local restaurants that I have taken the time to check out and feel comfortable eating at. I understand his discomfort at trying something new ... it's scary when you know you could be sick for a week just from a careless chef.

I would recommend a book to you called The Temperament God Gave You." It sounds as if you and your bf might be of different temperaments, which is fine. I know this book helped me understand better where my husband and kids were coming from and how to address specific things with them. It could help you to know how to convince him to go out, or at least to understand why he reacts as he does.

Carla

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

Thank you all very much for your thoughtful words and honest insight. I have to work today (yuck) but I will be on later tonight to respond to everyone! You all have no idea how much it is helping me to talk to other people in similar situations...I am truly amazed.

Have a wonderful Saturday.

-GFGF

[amybeth]

There is a thread that I recently started in the eating/dining out forum about restaurants in Philly.

In Doylestown, PA (Bucks County) there is a "Jules thin crust pizza" --- they are slowly expanding in this area. They have gluten-free pizza that is GOOD! It's a low key, casual place, but a pizza runs about $15.

They also have gluten-free brownies and/or cookies for sale at the counter. The owner opened the place because his daughter was diagnosed, and he wanted her to be able to have pizza. They are SO accommodating, and they have a designated side of the kitchen for gluten-free preparation. They also serve "regular" thin crust pizza.

They have tons of unique combinations - one with potato chips on the pizza -- the only ingredients your BF can't have is the sausage and the BBQ sauce. All other pizzas are a go.

Bucks County is a neat place to visit anyway - maybe a day trip to come see the sights or a weekend getaway would intrigue him to take the plunge! I could recommend some B+B's, hotels, other restaurants, and sight-seeing for you to enjoy, if you were interested.

I can imagine your frustration. We have a few "standard" restaurants that we visit now, since I was diagnosed a year + ago. I am so lucky that my fiance is in the restaurant business and understands all the questions I need to ask when we go out. He also knows that the restaurants are "scared" of people w/ severe allergies and will go out of their way to help them as much as they can. If you're interested in info on Bucks County, etc. Please PM me. I'll even tell you what I typically order at each place!! 8^)

And if your BF is willing - I'd be happy to talk with him about what questions I ask, the places I go, etc. when I've eaten out in the Bucks County/PHilly area.

Good luck.

[loraleena]

There is a wonderful pizza place in Easton that has awesome gluten free pizza. They make it at night after the kitchen is cleaned up from the regular flour. I have had it twice with no probs. Can't remember the name. Type gluten free pizza in Easton Pa. on line and it will come up. I had the Doylestown pizza and did not like it.

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

There is a wonderful pizza place in Easton that has awesome gluten free pizza. They make it at night after the kitchen is cleaned up from the regular flour. I have had it twice with no probs. Can't remember the name. Type gluten free pizza in Easton Pa. on line and it will come up. I had the Doylestown pizza and did not like it.

That place is called Manny B's. We've eaten there a couple times and I've even tried the gluten-free pizza, (it's very good!) but my boyfriend has had stomach problems after eating there...we're not sure why since they make the pizza after hours.

[Mongoose]

Hope you all enjoyed my quote, haha. I guess I am just not sure how to broach the subject with him considering the fact that I have been unsuccessful in the past. Suggestions?

Here's something that worked for me (we are both gluten intolerant). I joined the local support group, and once a year they have dinner out. I signed us both up and told him he was going ... he had a good time talking with everyone else, enjoyed himself, and did not come home sick! We got references from other people there for other restaurants, including an extremely accommodating Chinese restaurant. We still don't go out often, which is ok, but we get out a little oftener and with a little less stress than before.

Just a thought ... do you belong to a support group or know anyone else who has celiac disease? Or maybe you could advertise in the newspaper for this ... you could find other people with celiac disease to do dinners with? Make up your own dinner club?

[keccles]

Hi,

I am relatively new to the celiac scene, but here are my thoughts about your boyfriend's situation (and therefore the situation you find yourself in). For me, the hardest thing about eating out isn't taking the chance on getting glutened - this risk is an unfortunate byproduct that you have to be willing to cope with. For me, it is much more for me about pride and showing weakness, calling attention, etc. I can only imagine in our society that this would be even moreso magnified for a guy. Somewhere in this thread someone indicated this as well, and I just wanted to mention it again. It's very hard for me to ask for the special menu, to bring specific attention to how I need my food prepared, etc. etc. etc. Many people don't know it is an illness, so they may think you're just a difficult customer. I realize you shouldn't care so much what others think, but the truth is what it is for me. I'm generally one of those people who 'doesn't want to make a big fuss', so sometimes it just seems easier to stay home.

I have no solutions for you, but do want to say that it depends very much on people's personality how much they let this disease dictate their lifestyle choices. It's unfortunate that in the situation you are both in, it seems like you're the stronger person and are able to do things that your partner isn't.

A thought I have for you on how you could figure out what his issues actually stem from (particularly if he doesn't like to talk about it) is that you offer to go and pick up takeout from these places - if he doesn't mind, then it would indicate it's more like a social thing... if he does mind, then it would seem he's very concerned over getting glutened.

Kim

[Guest GlutenFreeGirlfriend]

Mongoose - After reading your post, I decided to post in the Support Group forum to see if there are any other Celiacs in our area who want to do dinner.

Kim - I think my boyfriend's fear of going out is part feeling it is a "weakness" and part fear over being glutened. He did come to visit me at my work this past week though (I waitress in an Italian restaurant). I told my boss about him and had him clean the grill and make a plain chicken breast for him and I made him a salad with fresh, safe ingredients from the back refrigerator and then hid it so there would be no danger of CC. We are also going to the beach this Sunday and he said he is willing to try PF Changs, so I'm crossing my fingers that everything goes okay. Wish me luck!

[gfp]

Mongoose - After reading your post, I decided to post in the Support Group forum to see if there are any other Celiacs in our area who want to do dinner.

Kim - I think my boyfriend's fear of going out is part feeling it is a "weakness" and part fear over being glutened. He did come to visit me at my work this past week though (I waitress in an Italian restaurant). I told my boss about him and had him clean the grill and make a plain chicken breast for him and I made him a salad with fresh, safe ingredients from the back refrigerator and then hid it so there would be no danger of CC. We are also going to the beach this Sunday and he said he is willing to try PF Changs, so I'm crossing my fingers that everything goes okay. Wish me luck!

Just a compromise suggestion....

How about going out for romantic picnic's.

You prepare the food, its risk free, its summer

I can see where both of you are coming from and honestly it can be very scary to eat out somewhere you have little confidence in. Also make 101% sure ... if he gets ill after PF changs then you are really going to find it hard to get him out a second time.

Just so you realise, he will be sitting there the whole meal worrying ... don't expect his full attention.

Another thing to combat the "weakness feeling" is that you go the day before and talk to the manager and say how much he is worried and how you would love to come regularly but .....