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The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

TriticusToxicum

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elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Both of my grandpas have been gone for a long time, so it's been many years since I've had any humour from their very funny generation. But my son has a favoUrite joke:

What's green and smells like bananas?

Monkey puke.

:D

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Ridgewalker Contributor
Ridgewalker
Posted

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ the fart jokes!!!

Interesting things my kids have said recently...

Ezra still has trouble pronouncing the word "gluten." He generally says "bluten" or "gyooten." He has also been hearing lately that "Mommy has the flu."

Soooo.... This morning, when we walked into his preschool class, he announced to his teachers, "Mommy has the fluten!" They gave me rawther funny look, like I might have something really diabolical. :ph34r:

Lucas has been studying fire safety at school, and tonight had to recite and write his address for homework. We live on Joseph's Lane; his father asked him what street we live on, and being a true fan of Superman, he piped up confidently, "We live on Lois Lane!" :blink:

One example of how I know smartassedness (I made up a word) is hereditary--

Ezra has the disconcerting habit of sticking his hand down the back of his pants and scratching his butt. One day we got home from school, and he was feeling grouchy. As is not uncommon, he had his hand down his pants scratching his butt, and he followed me into the kitchen, and demanded at the top of his lungs, "I NEED SOME JUICE!" To which his 6-yr-old brother replied in a mutter, "Well I know one thing... you're not going to find it back there." :o :o

I don't think I have EVER laughed so hard in my life. If you're wondering where the hereditary part comes in... He gets that from his father.

Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted
"Well I know one thing... you're not going to find it back there." :o :o

Well said, Lucas! :lol::lol::lol:

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Mornin', Silliests!

Yes, well done, Lucas! That's much funnier than monkey puke. :rolleyes:

Okay, I need a FUNNY day, today.

Eight and a half pages to go.... ;):)

Mtndog Collaborator
Mtndog
Posted

Alex- I like your grandfather too!!!!!!!

Sarah has the fluten!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How CUTE is that? :wub::lol: I LOVE YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ezra has the disconcerting habit of sticking his hand down the back of his pants and scratching his butt. One day we got home from school, and he was feeling grouchy. As is not uncommon, he had his hand down his pants scratching his butt, and he followed me into the kitchen, and demanded at the top of his lungs, "I NEED SOME JUICE!" To which his 6-yr-old brother replied in a mutter, "Well I know one thing... you're not going to find it back there." ohmy.gif

This are funny:

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
... you're not going to find it back there." :o :o

:lol: Sounds like my house...the guys are older, but still.... :D

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
Ezra has the disconcerting habit of sticking his hand down the back of his pants and scratching his butt. One day we got home from school, and he was feeling grouchy. As is not uncommon, he had his hand down his pants scratching his butt, and he followed me into the kitchen, and demanded at the top of his lungs, "I NEED SOME JUICE!" To which his 6-yr-old brother replied in a mutter, "Well I know one thing... you're not going to find it back there." :o :o

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted

Wow . . . sloooowwww day. Looks like Bev gets to hold onto that sceptor for another weekend!!

No change to report on Bob.

Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted

Kind of fits the theme we've got started . . .

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, " Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces..........................

"Sh*t!" said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted

Hey, did you guys know that if you actually spell sh*t (correctly), the word poop gets subbed in? Just not the same in that last joke. What do the sub in for the others?

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
Hey, did you guys know that if you actually spell sh*t (correctly), the word poop gets subbed in? Just not the same in that last joke. What do the sub in for the others?

Ooo I dunno? :unsure: ....shall we try something really bad :o

All good humoUr today folks :D

Apologies if this has been posted before :blink:

EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE

****************************

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
It took three days to clean up the senior center.

:lol:

The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

:lol:

The move has begun--I needed these today :)

I'll be escaping here on and off.....

cat scan :D

DingoGirl Enthusiast
DingoGirl
Posted
To which his 6-yr-old brother replied in a mutter, "Well I know one thing... you're not going to find it back there."

I don't think I have EVER laughed so hard in my life. If you're wondering where the hereditary part comes in... He gets that from his father.

oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaawd.....that is a good one! :lol:

Wow . . . sloooowwww day. Looks like Bev gets to hold onto that sceptor for another weekend!!

yes, very slow.....and I must be away from the computer quite a lot today....dreaded house cleaning and wretched things to be done..... :angry:

"Sh*t!" said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

OMG....it took me a full - - 30 seconds? - - and a third re-reading to GET that...... :ph34r:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell us how the house painting went. And yes, what style, abstract, realism, Pollack, Modigliani, Giotto, Andy Warhol? :P

OMG - someone needs to tell me what happened in the first 30 minutes of Gray's last night. I turned it on, saw Meredith's death flashbacks, and thought it was a RERUN. :huh: So switched around. At 9:30 I turned it back, and there is Alex waking up with Eva......the old intern in surgery.....and.....O'Malley's wife and the wretched Asian doctor (can't think of her name) are cackling in surgery about their woes....

WTH??? :blink:

Why was Eva there and now she's gone? And....did Meredith break up w/ Shepherd? She is such an eejit......

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted

I missed Greys last night--our satellite went out, and I just said the h*ll with it. :angry:

DingoGirl Enthusiast
DingoGirl
Posted
I missed Greys last night--our satellite went out, and I just said the h*ll with it. :angry:

Well, I called my mom and got the scoop. I"ll post if you want. ;) It's pretty stupid, anyway...:huh:

TriticusToxicum Explorer
TriticusToxicum
Posted
  • Author
HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell us how the house painting went. And yes, what style, abstract, realism, Pollack, Modigliani, Giotto, Andy Warhol? :P

Halllooooooooo back atcha!

I was painting in the old Dutch style of well, the Dutch boy. It was a fairly large canvas (the south side of my parents house) perched atop quite an easle (40' wooden ladder :o ). It went alright. I didn't fall. I was charged with scraping and painting the eaves and everything more than 15' off the ground. I was about 75% successful. Must go back Sunday and finish. BOOOOORRRRRIIINNG

OMG - someone needs to tell me what happened in the first 30 minutes of Gray's last night. I turned it on, saw Meredith's death flashbacks, and thought it was a RERUN. :huh: So switched around. At 9:30 I turned it back, and there is Alex waking up with Eva......the old intern in surgery.....and.....O'Malley's wife and the wretched Asian doctor (can't think of her name) are cackling in surgery about their woes....

WTH??? :blink:

Why was Eva there and now she's gone? And....did Meredith break up w/ Shepherd? She is such an eejit......

Perhaps someone else can fill in further details...I inadvertantly tuned in just in time to see an ambulance pull in with an organ donor for some old guy. It turns out it's his daughter. He doesn't wan the heart until the hobbit talks him into it. Meanwhile some pumpkin carver is in the ER (carves pumkins w/ Chainsaw? :o ) and has cut off his finger. Brought saw and severed finger lodged in saw with him. Guy behind curtain # 2 wants his foot removed for no good reason makes off with saw and saws off his foot. I can't keep up with the couplings so I paid them little attention <_< I'm sure someone else can better synopsilate (My new word :rolleyes: ) for you.

Big HARUMPF today. Work is SLOW whilst I'm here...they apparently come out of the woodwork when I'm away. have far too many phone calls to return and emails to process. Work is indeed a 4 letter word...

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
OMG - someone needs to tell me what happened in the first 30 minutes of Gray's last night. I

OH sh!! I totally forgot that yesterday was Thursday! Everybody shut up about it

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted

Thanks guys! I read a recap on TWOP.

That Izzy is about as popular over there as baked beans on a bus trip :lol:

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted

Synopsilate :lol:

That Izzy is about as popular over there as baked beans on a bus trip :lol:

ARGHHHHHH!!! :lol:

Operatus modus flatus ;)

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted

Nikki!!!!

Will's new picture with his little hand on his dish--precious :D

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
Nikki!!!!

Will's new picture with his little hand on his dish--precious :D

He sits in his food dish between meals :blink::lol:

Darn210 Enthusiast
Darn210
Posted
He sits in his food dish between meals :blink::lol:

Wouldn't want to be late . . . :lol::lol:

Ahhhh . . . only 50 more posts until I, too, can captionalate my avatars!!

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
He sits in his food dish between meals :blink::lol:

Just precious :)

Mtndog Collaborator
Mtndog
Posted
Ooo I dunno? :unsure: ....shall we try something really bad :o

All good humoUr today folks :D

Apologies if this has been posted before :blink:

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Hee Hee!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Richard- You little Dutch Boy you :o

The queen Might have the pneumonia :( so risking a warning and being stripped of my crown and moderator status I will type SOME of George Carlin's Words you can't say on TV just to see what they look like :ph34r:

poop

Everything fun (including the F word) comes out as POOP!

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted
The queen Might have the pneumonia

Oh no :(

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