Can We Talk About Sex?

[ShayFL]

What am awesome post!! And brave for sharing like that.

Me and my DH have to reevaluate our marriage about every 6 months. IT is me who says, things are going South. And it can happen so easily without you realizing it. I nip it before it ever actually gets bad. And this keeps it from ever getting bad. It refreshes us and we reignite the romance and lust with each evaluation. You would do the same thing with a business or with your health. Marriage is no different. It needs work and care.....FOREVER. But that isnt to scare you. Like working a garden it can be enjoyable and oh so rewarding.

We will celebrate 7 years in January.

[kschauer]

Thank you thank you thank you.

Your posts have been so helpful. Parts of them I could have written myself they hit so close to home. So many good points.

Yes our priorities are out of whack - we came to Chile to work, to take advantage of the tax free status and no bills, to save for our future, but it appears to be at the expense of our happiness/quality of life/and quite possibly our marriage.

Things were fine before we got married, then everything fell apart. We moved and I "took the reins" financially so to speak and I wasn't prepared for the pressure of that. Moving here and working to save some money was my idea and where we were living was DH's heaven basically. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for having taken him away from a place he loved, a life he loved, to come here and do this. My grand plan hasn't worked out as well as we hoped. Yes we are saving money and have no bills, we're learning Spanish which I think will be a huge asset to us both, but other parts of the plan have just fallen through. We seem to have nothing in our lives but work and sleep and a huge void of a happy life we used to have. (Yes I know he is an adult and chose to come here as well, but I still feel the need to kick myself every other minute of the day.)

This stress, pressure, guilt and exhaustion leads to me shutting down basically. I've tried getting off anti-depressants and birth control in effort to boost my desire, but so far, nada. The worst part is that I'm affecting him. He was so happy and all he wanted was to love me and make me happy and my crazy stressed out self is killing that. We have so much work to do if we are going to make it through this part of our marriage. Today at lunch I asked if he thought we could fix what needed fixing here, or should we leave, get back to our comfort zone, a real life where you have more than an hour a day outside of work. I'm not sure we can do it here.

[jerseyangel]

I'm saying this with all sincerity--maybe give some thought to a "happy medium" between how your life was structured before you moved here and this lifestyle that you are not quite sure is working for you as a couple?

Since you are considering going back anyway, how about incorporating what you love about your present life with the best part of your former life? Since you would be starting out with no bills, you could potentially scale down the amount of time you both work, and live within those means. Get involved in activites that are of real interest to you and your husband and let other things go.

I wish you much happiness!

[MyMississippi]

Here's how I see the Sex problem in a nutshell:

Most normal, healthy men want more sex, more often, and their sex drive is active til the day they die.

Women are more interested in their children, their homes, hobbies, crafts,---- And yes, they love their husbands ---- BUT---------

Sex ???-------------- not so much.

[Sweetfudge]

I'm saying this with all sincerity--maybe give some thought to a "happy medium" between how your life was structured before you moved here and this lifestyle that you are not quite sure is working for you as a couple?

i think this is pretty much the key. i don't know if you can cut back at work, but if possible, i'd say do it. you definitely aren't gaining much in the long run if you're damaging your relationship. like Shay said, a marriage is constant work! you shouldn't treat it like a chore, but it is like a full time job - if you slack off on upkeep, or get lazy about things, you get fired.

i think to take care of the guilt of moving him out to chile, you should sit down with him, and discuss your options. give him the opportunity to stay where you are, or to move back to where you were, or to make a fresh start somewhere else. one thing you want to avoid though...my DH has had this vision of me in his mind for the last 5 years (see profile pic above), and associates that skinnier, wilder me with great sex. well, over the course of being married 5 years, i managed to gain 35 lbs, grow up, and mellow out. i've lost 25 lbs the last few months, after several years of him nagging me to be healthier, convinced that once i did that, my sex drive would return....yeah, didn't quite happen that way. so make sure you both are able differentiate your physical life (surroundings, bodies, etc.) with your sexual life. just because you move back doesn't mean things will get better. you have to treat that as a separate issue from where you live.

anyway, more than my two cents again guess i kind of have a lot to say about the matter....

[Jestgar]

Women are more interested in their children, their homes, hobbies, crafts,---- And yes, they love their husbands ---- BUT---------

Sex ???-------------- not so much.

uuhhhh....no

Everyone is different.

[kschauer]

We've talked about our moving here - and my feeling guilty about it because it hasn't worked out perfectly, he doesn't blame me. He says, "I made the choice to come, too." I just wish we hadn't done it basically - but you can't go back! That guilt is mine and I have to figure out some way to let it go. The plan hasn't worked out but we are getting to see a different part of the world, get paid for it, learn a language, it's not all bad.

I don't think moving back to the states and getting less stressful and less time consuming jobs is going to fix everything magically. But I think we have a better chance of making it there. We could have friends who speak our native language, we'd see our family more, we would have our dog back (whole huge different subject there) and we would have more than an hour and a half in the evening to spend on ourselves.

Last night he said I made him feel repulsive. I kiss him and hug him and touch him when I walk by him, I just don't want to have sex. If we're in bed at night it means I've finished a 10 or 12 hour work day and I'm tired and I want to get some sleep. If I'm up at 5 am it's because I have to go work out so I won't be so stressed that I freak out at work. I can't just shut my mind off. I get no pleasure out of it so the other more rewarding things I could be doing are on my mind. But that makes him feel rejected and apparently repulsive.

(edited for punctuation)

[ShayFL]

Professional help could really help. Him feeling repulsive to you is pretty major. I know when I am in over my head and I call a therapist. You might want to think about that too.

[kschauer]

Professional help could really help. Him feeling repulsive to you is pretty major. I know when I am in over my head and I call a therapist. You might want to think about that too.

I agree - and so does he. We will be in the states for 3 weeks over the holidays, but in TX and FL - so finding someone who is working during the holiday season, setting up appointments in both locations - I'm going to try...I'll have to work while I'm in the states as well. Oh - I'm sure it can be done...at least one appointment to try to open up communication, or get things going in the right direction. The doctors here in Chile mostly speak English, but they are not confident enough to talk about psychological issues. They say, oh well my English isn't good enough, let me refer to you to someone else. They have a point, if something gets lost in translation they could miss something important.

[JNBunnie1]

I agree - and so does he. We will be in the states for 3 weeks over the holidays, but in TX and FL - so finding someone who is working during the holiday season, setting up appointments in both locations - I'm going to try...I'll have to work while I'm in the states as well. Oh - I'm sure it can be done...at least one appointment to try to open up communication, or get things going in the right direction. The doctors here in Chile mostly speak English, but they are not confident enough to talk about psychological issues. They say, oh well my English isn't good enough, let me refer to you to someone else. They have a point, if something gets lost in translation they could miss something important.

There's always teleconferencing. I would suggest you try and stick with one therapist, it would be too hard to explain everything all over again to new ones.

This is an awesome thread, and I'm really glad everyone's been so open about their love lives. Our society's come a long way, but I know a number of people still have a hard time being open about certain things.

I would say our sex issues are a bit different than everyone else's. Our biggest issue is tiredness, my boyfriend is a landscaper, and simply doesn't have the physical energy to engage in sex every time he wants to. He also needs less sleep than I do, so that's created some issues. I do know that men tend to have higher testosterone levels in the morning, and love morning sex. (not a rule, just a tendency). Rolling over and initiating lovemaking before you can 'talk yourself out of it' by telling yourself all the things you could be doing instead is a good way to get past yourself. Also, if you're a bit fuzzy and sleepy, you may be more likely to enjoy yourself, kinda like having a good buzz.

I have had the BEST sex of my life with my boyfriend, period. I never knew it could be like this. It's not always perfect. We screw up and laugh or he's too tired and, so, doesn't......work... right, and gets mad sometimes. There's ups and downs. We've also found that 'masturbating' each other takes FAR less energy than flat-out sex, and if you're good at it, just as satisfying. We kinda do what Shay and her hubby do, sex every so often, 'foolin around' a little more often. Sometimes I get more enjoyment out of just foolin around cuz.... well.... anyway. We go back and forth too. Sometimes it's just about him, sometimes it's just about me. I think that's a good thing for a couple to be able to do, to concentrate on one part of the pair. I would set aside a 45 min block of time once a week, on the weekends(you can't spend THAT much time grocery shopping) and switch back and forth. You get whatever you want in your 45 mins- backrub, foot rub, somethin-else rub..... It's like a promise to your husband to be loved by you, and vice-versa. Just an idea, if you're comfortable with that.

I have read the 5 love languages, I'm physical and my boyfriend is .... I haven't really been able to pin him down yet..... But he knows he has to cuddle to keep me happy! The idea above would also help you get your quality time. Especially if it's flat on your back getting your feet rubbed!

[ShayFL]

My drive is not near what it used to be. But the thing I find is that if me and DH have not in awhile, I miss it and I crave it. Not so much for the physical release, but for the connection it gives us. If you think about it, Sex is the one thing that makes marriage special. You can live with anyone. You can enjoy anyone's company. You can laugh and cut up with friends. You can eat and grocery shop with a roommate. You can share a bathroom with even a stranger. You can cuddle, hug, kiss, hold hands and nuzzle your children. But Sex is the thing that differentiates marriage from all of your other love relationships. It is special. It is vital to a marriage. Like JNBunnie pointed out, there are many ways to have this too....not just good ol missionary.

And any man with a sex drive needs sex to feel loved by their mate. If you are not enjoying this very special activity with him, he is feeling unloved right now. We all deserve to feel loved.

One thing DH knows about me and I have told him is that I am not always in the mood, but if he gets me going, I will perk up. I may not initiate it, but I will participate.

You say you exercise every morning at 5 a.m. to relive your stress. Then you say how "guilty" you feel about all of this and you are not meeting his needs. The "guilt" is your stress. If you guys can communicate and re-spark the intimacy, satisfy his needs for love/sex, you wont have so much stress (i.e. guilt). And that 5 am wake up call just might be something more enjoyable.

[Adelle]

I really think that most people are too STRESSED!! That's one of the reasons DH and I decided that I'd be a housewife. When we first got married, I was too sick to work anyway. Even now, I have some joint damage and I'm SUPER susceptible to stress, an outside job would NOT be worth it to us. So here we are, broke but happy! DH works all day and then comes home. By the time he arrives, everything else is done, so we have time just to hang out together. He works about 55 hours/week and it feels like we have TONS of time together. It's not all easy, we are going through financial struggles (we bought a house last year,we've always had brilliant timing ) but if we keep plugging away things will get better. Bottom line, our marriage is more important than anything on this Earth.

Back to the main question though. DH and I do something "intimate" every single day. Every day. This was something that we learned from our struggles with infertility. When going through our "trying" time we'd have sex every day and then when it wasn't that time we kind of figured why bother? But after a few months I noticed how much fun we had with each other outside the bedroom during those days. So once we determined that we couldn't have kids and to hell with trying we kept parts of that lifestyle. I learned that Ryan (my husband) experiences emotion through sex MUCH more than I do. I don't generally feel love or affection through physical contact (I express/experience it in other ways) but he sees affection differently. Without sex he feels unloved. I can say, "I love you" until I'm blue in the face, but to him, it's not the same love. Once I saw it that way sex became even MORE romantic than it ever had for me. I don't know how "normal" that is, but I am one happy camper anyway!

[kschauer]

And any man with a sex drive needs sex to feel loved by their mate. If you are not enjoying this very special activity with him, he is feeling unloved right now. We all deserve to feel loved.

You say you exercise every morning at 5 a.m. to relive your stress. Then you say how "guilty" you feel about all of this and you are not meeting his needs. The "guilt" is your stress. If you guys can communicate and re-spark the intimacy, satisfy his needs for love/sex, you wont have so much stress (i.e. guilt). And that 5 am wake up call just might be something more enjoyable.

I agree that having sex with him is the way he feels loved and right now he doesn't feel love from me. Adelle said it too, I can tell him I love him until I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't matter.

The guilt that I feel is from moving him away from the states, from a job and place where he was really happy, to Chile, where things are not as peachy as we hoped they'd be. I agee that if I could figure out how satisfy him and in the process not feel like a piece of meat, or just have the slightest shred of desire, then that guilt would probably lessen considerably. We'd be happier and get along better. The other stress in my life is just like everyone else's I suppose. I came down here to do a job, when my boss quit I got his job as well, and that's stressful. I went through all the right steps to bring our dog, but as it turns out this is not a good place for him. (I know you think dog? *roll eyes here*, but we miss him every minute of the day). Family stress is what it is...I know everyone handles stress differently and apparently for me it means no sex drive.

[aikiducky]

The guilt that I feel is from moving him away from the states, from a job and place where he was really happy, to Chile, where things are not as peachy as we hoped they'd be.

I'd like to chime in on this part a little. We live abroad as well (Finnish, living in Holland), so I've gone through some of the same process that you are going through.

Moving to another country is always very stressful, even when it goes perfectly. It's never going to be exactly like you thought it would be. Just like any major life change (like going gluten free! ) there's a process of, well, mourning really, that you need to go through. To me it sounds like you've gotten stuck in the process and are refusing (maybe not consciously) to move on.

There's the exiting beginning when it's still an adventure, everything is new and interesting.

Then at some point the reality of living in a different country hits home and you realize that it's DIFFERENT and that your family and friends are far away, you don't speak the language, things don't work the way you are used to them working, people have customs and habits that you don't understand or necessarily like, and so on...

It's very easy to refuse to move on from this point and just bury yourself in work and hope time passes really quickly and in five years (or whatever) you'll be back where you belong. But it's not wise to try and put your life on hold like that, because you cant halt time and you'll always feel the friction of trying to hold onto something that is already gone. Because even when you go back - you have changed, you have experiences that have changed you, so even going back isn't going to be exactly the same any more.

What you need to do is try to get to terms with the fact that you are where you are, and your life is where you are, even if you are there temporarily.

Learn the language. Try to speak with people, even if you can only say stupid things and feel awkward and slow. Read something every day, even if you need to start with just the headlines in the newspaper.

Try to learn to know some people. Find a hobby, join a group, invite your colleagues to dinner, whatever works for you (I got some Dutch friends when I start doing a martial art).

The main point is, decide to make a life for yourself where you are. Even if you move back in two months. I think already making that decision might make you feel better.

If you were working the hours you are working, but lived in the US, how would you arrange your life? Would you work around the tight schedule somehow, or would you go to your employer and say, this isn't working for me, we need to figure out something. What ever the answer is, that's what you need to do. But somehow you need to make a life for yourself.

Hope this doesn't sound too much like a sermon...

Pauliina

[kschauer]

I'd like to chime in on this part a little. We live abroad as well (Finnish, living in Holland), so I've gone through some of the same process that you are going through.

Moving to another country is always very stressful, even when it goes perfectly. It's never going to be exactly like you thought it would be. Just like any major life change (like going gluten free! ) there's a process of, well, mourning really, that you need to go through. To me it sounds like you've gotten stuck in the process and are refusing (maybe not consciously) to move on.

There's the exiting beginning when it's still an adventure, everything is new and interesting.

Then at some point the reality of living in a different country hits home and you realize that it's DIFFERENT and that your family and friends are far away, you don't speak the language, things don't work the way you are used to them working, people have customs and habits that you don't understand or necessarily like, and so on...

It's very easy to refuse to move on from this point and just bury yourself in work and hope time passes really quickly and in five years (or whatever) you'll be back where you belong. But it's not wise to try and put your life on hold like that, because you cant halt time and you'll always feel the friction of trying to hold onto something that is already gone. Because even when you go back - you have changed, you have experiences that have changed you, so even going back isn't going to be exactly the same any more.

What you need to do is try to get to terms with the fact that you are where you are, and your life is where you are, even if you are there temporarily.

Learn the language. Try to speak with people, even if you can only say stupid things and feel awkward and slow. Read something every day, even if you need to start with just the headlines in the newspaper.

Try to learn to know some people. Find a hobby, join a group, invite your colleagues to dinner, whatever works for you (I got some Dutch friends when I start doing a martial art).

The main point is, decide to make a life for yourself where you are. Even if you move back in two months. I think already making that decision might make you feel better.

If you were working the hours you are working, but lived in the US, how would you arrange your life? Would you work around the tight schedule somehow, or would you go to your employer and say, this isn't working for me, we need to figure out something. What ever the answer is, that's what you need to do. But somehow you need to make a life for yourself.

Hope this doesn't sound too much like a sermon...

Pauliina

You are right. I recently went to a doctor here and he told me the same thing about making a life here, trying to make some friends, trying to have a life together and not just work and sleep. So last weekend we went out to dinner with two other couples. We bought a grill and invited some people over for dinner. Next weekend I think some co-workers are going to get together. It is hard with the hours we work - and sometimes your coworkers are the last people you want to hang out with after you've seen them all week. There are a few Americans here in the area, I know I should meet them and have some non-work friends. We are learning the language, we are far from fluent, but I'd say we are "functional"

So many things I know I should do - I am not out going and I don't make friends easily. I'm not making excuses, well it sounds like I am, but I suppose I am trying to explain my hesitation, or the reasons for why I haven't done all of this already. I did make contact with the other expats here - just haven't gone to that next step of meeting them.

[Jestgar]

For most people that move to a different country, about a year into it they hit the absolutely lowest point. Hate where they live, don't know why they move, seriously consider ditching the whole thing, etc.

Once you get through that period, it all gets so much better.

[Swimmr]

Given that tonight I had a "celiac moment" with the neurological stuff, no one would even howl at the moon with me. So, no "antics" to report . . .

First: Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

Next: I think that all relationships have an "ebb and flow" with regard to frequency. I think a lot of external factors apply in addition to the what is happening within the relationship.

BET YOU GUYS THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO REALLY GO TO TOWN WITH THIS ONE!!

That's Karen's job. I have just one word: Altoids. 'Nuff said.

I have those "moments" too

[Swimmr]

I am nowhere near as experienced as you married farts BUT, I do have some of the same issues. When I'm stressed, when I don't feel good, when I've been glutened, it all affects me sexually. I don't want to exert the energy to do anything...not foreplay and certainly not sex. It's not that I don't want it, but outside influences affect me mentally and if I don't want to, I don't. I've explained this to my fiance several times. I'll even hint..."Baby, I've got indigestion." and then literally minutes later it's, "Can you go down on me (but the more explicit phrase)". And I'm sitting here thinking, "did you NOT just hear what I said" and he says he literally forgets. He feels more through making love than anything. He HAS to be intimate, which is crazy sometimes, but I'm the same way, just I have more things that affect how I feel from one day to another. I can be ready to go...thinking about it all day, get home and something ticks me off and I totally go the opposite direction. We work on this issue lots. He will rub me down, play with my hair...etc...destress me and then try again It sometimes works...bout half the times.

Maybe try addressing it in a way where it'll give him more to do...a way to help you feel better. Maybe he won't feel so repulsed to know that he still pleased you some way by tickling your back until you fall asleep or playing with your hair. Or you could go the other route and do it to him. Softly stroke his body while you're laying in the bed. Not saying that you haven't done this already, nor am I a counselor. Sometimes I just have to say no and be done with it and sometimes when I exlain in detail how I feel...map out my day + thoughts + responsibilities minus the hours in the day he understands. He always at least tries.

Counseling with a professional may help too. I personally wouldn't want to seek help. But that's just me.

[ShayFL]

I'll even hint..."Baby, I've got indigestion." and then literally minutes later....

I will say one thing my husband had to drill into my head in the beginning of our relationship is that MEN DONT GET HINTS AND THEY DONT DO SUBTLE!!

What has worked for us is for me to be VERY direct with him. It was sooooo weird for me to do this at first. I was afraid he would get mad if I just said what I felt. But he didnt. What used to piss him off the most was trying to figure out what I wanted or didnt want.

So back then, I might have said...."Baby...Im not feeling too good tonight." Whereas now I will say, "Just so you know, you aint gettin any tonight. My stomach hurts and I feel sick. So be sweet." I make sure he hears me and it works well. "Be sweet" is our little code. He should then say back to me..."I'll be sweet." This way the understanding is understood.....LOL

Same goes for if I am in the mood. I used to drop subtle hints that I was randy and he didnt jump on it. So I would get pissy wondering why. And he would just say that he didnt have a clue cuz he didnt want to read it the wrong way and get shot down.

So now I will just say...."Do you want to be wiff me?" and there is no confusion. He knows what that means and usually has his pants off before we get to he bedroom.

[aikiducky]

So last weekend we went out to dinner with two other couples. We bought a grill and invited some people over for dinner. Next weekend I think some co-workers are going to get together.

Good for you!

It doesn't matter what you do, if you're not an outgoing person, try to find other things that you like to have in your life. For me for example it's absolutely vital to have something, anything, to read on a regular basis. One of the first things I looked for when we moved here was a library.

I just noticed you've only been gluten free a year. A year is not nothing but it's quite possible that your energy levels aren't quite up to where they could be yet. So that's maybe also something to take into account. Not trying to give you more excuses but just being realistic. You might even feel different about sex in another year.

kschauer said:

I agee that if I could figure out how satisfy him and in the process not feel like a piece of meat, or just have the slightest shred of desire, then that guilt would probably lessen considerably.

Swimmr said:

Or you could go the other route and do it to him. Softly stroke his body while you're laying in the bed. Not saying that you haven't done this already, nor am I a counselor.

If I may make a suggestion - try something like this even if you feel like a piece of meat in the process. Make that sacrifice. If he says he feels repulsive because you don't want to touch him - that's really saying a lot! Then after that, suggest that you two spend some quality time together. If you want to get out of this negative spiral, you need to break it. And that may require doing something even if you don't particularly feel like it, to start with.

Pauliina

[aikiducky]

I will say one thing my husband had to drill into my head in the beginning of our relationship is that MEN DONT GET HINTS AND THEY DONT DO SUBTLE!!

Oh yeah. I need to be reminded of that from time to time as well.

What works well for us is sometimes I say "I need a verbal hug". Then hubby knows that he needs to make some conversation for a change. Plus that way he gets what it means to me.

Pauliina

[JNBunnie1]

Oh yeah. I need to be reminded of that from time to time as well.

What works well for us is sometimes I say "I need a verbal hug". Then hubby knows that he needs to make some conversation for a change. Plus that way he gets what it means to me.

Pauliina

We do the same thing. My boyfriend's family is genetically incapable of shutting up, so I have to tell him to go away when I need to turn my brain off for a while. Hints don't work good on him. "Honey, go away, I need to turn my brain off." "Ok." If I just start reading, he'll just keep talking.....

[Swimmr]

I will say one thing my husband had to drill into my head in the beginning of our relationship is that MEN DONT GET HINTS AND THEY DONT DO SUBTLE!!

What has worked for us is for me to be VERY direct with him. It was sooooo weird for me to do this at first. I was afraid he would get mad if I just said what I felt. But he didnt. What used to piss him off the most was trying to figure out what I wanted or didnt want.

So back then, I might have said...."Baby...Im not feeling too good tonight." Whereas now I will say, "Just so you know, you aint gettin any tonight. My stomach hurts and I feel sick. So be sweet." I make sure he hears me and it works well. "Be sweet" is our little code. He should then say back to me..."I'll be sweet." This way the understanding is understood.....LOL

Same goes for if I am in the mood. I used to drop subtle hints that I was randy and he didnt jump on it. So I would get pissy wondering why. And he would just say that he didnt have a clue cuz he didnt want to read it the wrong way and get shot down.

So now I will just say...."Do you want to be wiff me?" and there is no confusion. He knows what that means and usually has his pants off before we get to he bedroom.

Well this one I happen to be with generally takes hints well. I'm learning to be blunt with him though. My last relationship was a disaster ending in disaster and I had almost forgotten how to communicate at all, lol.

[kschauer]

Sort of a side note, but same topic - I notice a DRASTIC change in attitude/manner/demeanor whatever you want to call it on the days when we have sex, or some kind of intimate activity. The days on which we don't it's like he can't stand me, he doesn't speak to me in the morning, eats his breakfast away from the table and we bicker over anything. If we have sex that day he is in the best mood. Is it the physical release, is he purposely like this because he feels rejected, I don't know.

I'm willing to give a bit - I'm not in the mood (biggest understatement of the year) and I do it anyway, but doesn't he have to give, too?

Yeah, it's all about communication and we don't have that worked out yet. We suck at it.

I'm doing what I can. I'm exercising, cutting out anything that could lessen libido. Unfortunately we found out today that our work hours increased until 7 pm, that's not gonna help. Date night we may be able to swing - or rather, Sunday afternoon date.

Can't thank you guys enough.

[aikiducky]

I bet it's because he feels rejected, but that it's not on purpose. Feeling rejected is really painful, it might be easier to avoid you if that is how he feels. Would it be possible to ask? (On a good day!)

Does he know how to give you what you want? You might have to really be very direct about it and explain what you need. Otherwise he might think that he's giving you a lot all the time, but if it's the wrong kind of attention, it's not going to help.

What would be a small thing he could do that would make you feel loved? For example (just making this up "Honey, could you ...bring me flowers/help me with the dishes/take some time to talk about the day... tonight when you come home, that would make me feel really happy and cuddly". The key is to then appreciate the effort (with a hug or so... ) even if it feels a bit fake that you had to ask for it so plainly. After a while it will get more natural.

Maybe you knew all this already, but I hope it helps.

Pauliina