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Thanksgiving Update And Families

torontosue

By torontosue
in Coping with Celiac Disease

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torontosue Rookie
torontosue
Posted

Well, I posted in the Thanksgiving thread that I was just gonna bring my own food and try not to make a production about it, make sure I was first served so there would be no cross contamination.....well....

let's just say my mother didn't agree with me, and made sure to make a HUGE production out of it, rant about how hurt she was that I didn't trust her turkey (that was stuffed with bread stuffing but she assured me if I just ate the meat I'd be fine).

I was ready to just walk out of there like I did on Canada Day when there was nothing safe for me to eat but the lettuce and potato chips, but my siblings told me to just enjoy my meal and let Mom be, obviously I couldn't please her. Last family gathering she got upset I wouldn't eat, this time I bring food to ensure I could eat along with everyone else and she still flipped.

Ah well, now I only have to wait til Christmas to have another mom ordeal!

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celiac-mommy Collaborator
celiac-mommy
Posted

I'm sorry she wasn't more understanding. I think you were right to just stay and stick with your own food, and not to give in. Hopefully someday she will realize that this isn't about her, it's about your health and she'll be understanding and supportive. My mom always said "Kill them with kindness and remember, you can't control what someone else says or does, you can only control yourself." The killing with kindness works all too well-especially if someone is looking for an argument and a spectacle--you don't get involved, there's no fuel for their fire :)

*lee-lee* Enthusiast
*lee-lee*
Posted
didn't trust her turkey (that was stuffed with bread stuffing but she assured me if I just ate the meat I'd be fine).

ugh, i know what you mean.. my grandmother (who has celiac herself, mind you) made a face at me when i mentioned i couldn't eat the turkey because of the stuffing. she doesn't follow the rules hardly at all unless it's convenient for her and thinks i'm overreacting because i don't do things exactly as she does!

i'm beginning to dread Thanksgiving (i'm in the US so i've got another month or so to dwell on the situation!) i think i may skip it all together and just stay home with all my safe foods!

torontosue Rookie
torontosue
Posted
  • Author
i'm beginning to dread Thanksgiving (i'm in the US so i've got another month or so to dwell on the situation!) i think i may skip it all together and just stay home with all my safe foods!

I suggested cooking at my place and having my family all come here, but I'm in a 2 bedroom apartment as opposed to my parent's house with a huge yard (and the weather was nice). I was also told theat they wouldn't want to eat me 'weird foods'.

Ah well, I plan on doing the same thing at Christmas. Maybe if I do it often enough she'll realize I'm serious about it. After all, I'm the one who is going to end up suffering and in pain, so I don't see why it should have anything to do with my mother's happiness. I told her I was there to spend TIME with them, not to eat their food.

ang1e0251 Contributor
ang1e0251
Posted

Do you think your relatives would be willing to come on this forum and read some of the threads? There are plenty in the section that is for relatives of celiacs. It could help them put it into perspective. Plus reading all of our rants about being made sick by tiny amounts of gluten might bring it home to them how your really feel.

melmak5 Contributor
melmak5
Posted

I am really sorry. This suck, a lot. I went through something rather similarly last year (my first gluten-free Thanksgiving).

I might have mentioned it in the other thread... but it ended with my mother saying I was "too difficult" which lead to a rather large fight, lots of crying between many different family members and me not attending Thanksgiving at their house.

I was really hurt because my dad and sister are diabetics and thought that my mom would "get it" in terms of dietary restrictions, but she totally did not.

I ended up hanging out with friends who ate at my place on my terms and it was a lovely meal, not do sound corny, but something I was truly thankful for.

It is hard, you cannot educate everyone and it hurts deeply when loved ones cannot be there for you. You have to do what is right for you... if that means making food and bringing it along, great! If it means eating before or after - not as awesome, but at least you can have family time.

I don't know if going the day before and cooking with your mom is an option, but it could be a way to teach her and feel safe about the meal.

Best of luck!

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
i'm beginning to dread Thanksgiving (i'm in the US so i've got another month or so to dwell on the situation!) i think i may skip it all together and just stay home with all my safe foods!

Last year I missed the holidays because of work, so I had Thanksgiving at the end of March. Made my own gluten/soy/dairy free meal and invited all my friends and family. Everyone loved it. The food was great, and everyone was in the mood for a celebration by then. I skipped all the stress of the normal holidays and had a great time making a huge, allergy free meal.

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MollyBeth Contributor
MollyBeth
Posted
Last year I missed the holidays because of work, so I had Thanksgiving at the end of March. Made my own gluten/soy/dairy free meal and invited all my friends and family. Everyone loved it. The food was great, and everyone was in the mood for a celebration by then. I skipped all the stress of the normal holidays and had a great time making a huge, allergy free meal.

I have a job that makes me miss out on holidays a lot and I just wanted to thank you for a great idea!!! I'm moving back closer to home (right now i live about 1000 miles from home) in the spring and this would be the perfect way for me to get everyone together on my food terms!

tarnalberry Community Regular
tarnalberry
Posted

cooking for other people - especially parents cooking for kids (regardless of your age - more so when you're an adult, it seems) isn't about the food. it's about the connection. whether she's saying it or not, she's reacting from a place of "my offering, my love, isn't good enough for her". it's not rational, it's instinctual. if she can't separate the symbol of her offering (the food) from the offering, she's not going to get over it. I'm certainly not saying you should eat the food, but rather saying you guys should discuss the underlying issues, open and forthrightly. (yeah, I know, totally weird conversation... but helpful, and the weirdness makes it all the riper for diffusing the situation with jokes. ;) )

we, in general, have so many emotions wrapped up in food - all the more so in families - that I don't think it's all that bad of an idea to use a professional counselor to help navigate the interpersonal issues that are at the root of the conflict over the stuffing in the turkey if the rosemary really gets to flying. (doesn't that just sound silly? :) doesn't make it less true... but life has lots of silliness in it.)

CeliacMom2008 Enthusiast
CeliacMom2008
Posted

This isn't a quick solution, but you could invite your family over for smaller meals several times (just parents one time, siblings another, whoever is a problem) and make them some of your "weird" food. I think people only believe it is "weird" until they eat it. I mean a turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries...most Thanksgiving foods are gluten-free anyway - it's just the preparation/CC that's an issue. Maybe if they realized it was good they'd relax a bit and let you provide some of the dishes or even host the holidays someday.

It's so sad that a time that is supposed to be so joyful, loving, and happy can turn yucky over something so dumb as food! I'm so sorry your family isn't getting it.

On the flip side - I got some great news this past weekend regarding the holidays... My sister-in-law and I always split the holiday hosting. Well this past weekend we were talking about this year's parties. We were talking about how I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the holidays for my son and I made a joke about wishing everyone could just come to our house for holidays forever. And you know what she said? "That's great! I'll hold you to it. I hate entertaining!" :D It's awesome for us! My hubby and I are very big homebodies. Years of stomach issues started us on the path to being most comfortable in our own home. Then it just became the place we were most comfortable. So I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can! I've been collecting bread leftovers (you know after they aren't very soft and yummy anymore) and freezing them to attempt gluten-free stuffing. Since I've never made anything other than Stovetop, this should be interesting!

Good luck finding your happy holidays! Everyone deserves to enjoy the season...not just the gluten eaters.

Ooooo, (this is the evil side of me coming out) how about if you make some really AWESOME food. The better smelling and looking the better. Then when it comes time to eat put a sign on it that says "For Celiacs ONLY". :o OK, that was truly evil and very gracious at all, but it might show them what it's like to not be able to eat something you want. Sorry. Go back to the good side...and find a nicer way to make your point!

debmidge Rising Star
debmidge
Posted

For my husband's family it's not "reject my gluten food, you are rejecting me."

It's more of an inability to grasp the concept of 'No wheat' or not really care or

deliberately harm someone just for your "jollies" .

For example, we are to eat over husband's family and his sister is peeling and

quartering potatoes to make mashed potatoes and at the same time she's ripping

off pieces of Italian bread by hand, which is next to the peeled potatoes and

wheat bread crumbs are falling all over the potatoes she is quartering. She cannot

take any criticism of any sort from anyone,

so I carefully say to her: "We have to get those crumbs off of the

potatoes before we cook them." "No reason to do that," She replies. "They'll

rinse off when I rinse the potatoes."

She had no thought, care or hesitation that

perhaps there really was a problem with the crumbs getting into the

mix....She was very passive-aggressive about it (her basic personality is

passive/aggressive anyway). She just shrugged it off as if we were

getting all excited over nothing. It was almost like a 'test' to see

what we would do.....maybe she really didn't want to cook

Thanksgiving dinner after all and this was her way of eliminating

holiday cooking without disappointing her mother - to make it so

that we don't want to come over anymore and it's all OUR fault and

ergo WE are disappointing their mother. Now that's "passive/aggressive" -

just something she would do - the means justifies the end. Did I ever tell you that

their family is related to the Borgia's ?

Believe me, this was the last time we ate over my in-laws (both mIL and sil - they live

together).

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