Major Meltdown Yesterday

[bonnie blue]

For about a week now I have been very depressed, I have been gluten-free since September 13th, (funny how you remember the exact day when you finally find a diagnosis) Anyway I don't know if it is the holiday season, or that at times having Celiac is very overwhelming, but yesterday at work I lost it. For no real reason I started crying and could not stop, I locked myself in the bathroom and just sat there on the floor of the bathroom crying my eyes out, after awhile my boss knocked at the door wanting to talk to me, he is very understanding of everything I am going through, he wanted to send me home, but after a chat with him I decided to stay. I did finish the day, and today I have the day off, so I am looking to my new friends here to tell me I am not crazy and this has happened to someone else. So I am asking has anyone else went on this emotional roller coaster that I am experiencing now. I would appreciate any input, thank you all, this forum has become a second home to me.

[GFreeMO]

I have been gluten free for over a year. I had something very similar happen to me on Saturday. My husband and I were grocery shopping and they were having a sample tasting event. People were walking around the store eating pizza and cookies etc. on little napkins. I was so mad. Not mad at them for eating it, although, I was a little freaked out about all of the gluten being passed around and rubbed on carts and everything, but anyway, I walked past the bakery where they were sampling pies and I turned the corner and went down the aisle and started crying. It's hard to live with these limitations and having to constantly be aware of every single thing you are putting in your mouth or on your body. It makes grocery shopping and day to day living stressful. I remember when my hub and I would go out to a nice relaxing dinner after a stressful day. Can't do that anymore. I have to cook every night which adds to my stress...so yeah, I have been there! Hang in there!

[FooGirlsMom]

You're not crazy. I went Gluten-Free about mid-October. Last week I had a melt-down. Sometimes this is an emotional roller-coaster ride. If you knew me, I am not really an emotional person who cries about difficulties or adversity - you just keep at it, right?

Well...

I think the emotions of it all just finally got to me. I felt so awesome the first week or two. Then it seemed the secondary sensitivities started to hit. Over the next few weeks I discovered that liquid dairy and soy were problems. Then it was the corn. I love corn in all it's forms and it was kind of disheartening. The effort of changing over my kitchen to gluten-free, including the pantry & banishing all gluten offenders to the basement storage...and my poor husband trying to get it, but making simple mistakes like cooking on different grills, using different utensils then putting the 2 kinds of steak on the same large plate with juices mixing...*sigh*..he was very sorry...but you get the point.

I just went upstairs and cried in our bathroom for about 10 minutes...just miserable. I am very committed to this eating plan and for mercy's sake, I have done Atkins for YEARS and never broken down into tears (Atkins is gluten free too.) I have my 9.5 year old daughter on this diet and her IBS issues are nearly gone now but I think the stress of becoming the "food supplier" 20x a day was wearing me down. The extra effort it takes to do anything normal...I have to cook & bring food everywhere...even shopping all day with cooler packed into the car...it starts to wear...

I don't know how to express how deeply and truly thankful I am to finally finally know what is causing my health problems, yet at the same time the reality of accomodating this ...disability?...takes it's toll on occasion. And yep, one day it just got to me. I think if gluten free was my only issue it'd be easier, but when you have other intolerances you're discovering which limits your choices even more...it makes for a meltdown now and then.

Hang in there,

FooGirlsMom

[Kay DH]

Getting glutened makes me depressed and gives me mood swings; these are predictable and go away within 4-5 days. There can also be a detox period after going gluten-free. Celiac and gluten sensitivity are new realities, and it can take a while for them to hit you. By three months my friends were telling me they didn't invite me to parties because they didn't think they had anything I could eat (I bring my own stuff). Yesterday when a coworker asked why I didn't go to lunch with everyone else I replied that the place didn't have anything I could eat and wouldn't let me bring my food (and it was $15 just to sit); he said I could have ordered a coke. He tends to be rude. By the 3 months stage, reality hits that this is your new life. It is tiring having to investigate everything you eat. Non-gluten-free people don't realize what a change it is, and how much food fits within our social structure, work, and health. Being gluten-free can feel alone. We are social animals, and being excluded hurts. With that rosy picture, perhaps this meltdown is a transition for you. I've been gluten-free since January, after getting the flu 14 months ago. I have gone through the anger and hurt about my new life (a grieving process), and aside from a few irksome folk, my friends and coworkers accept my new reality and my new life is healthier and as good or better than my old life.

[Fire Fairy]

I was diagnosed November 2nd so you have been living with this longer than I have. The first trip to the grocery store I got a tension headache from reading all the labels and having to put so many items back because I wasn't "sure" about them. I suspect I'll breakdown at some point but I haven't yet, could be because my Doctor gave me anti-depressants with my diagnoses. My family has a tradition of going to a family friend's bakery every Christmas Eve. This year I fear the family may skip the trip for my sake on the other hand if they don't it's going to be torture. I'm hoping to find a local bakery that offers something gluten free before the big day. I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. It sounds completely normal to me.

[bonnie blue]

Thank you for your responses, hooray I am not alone. Please know that I do have a wonderful support system, my husband is amazing and is very protective of me, I think that comes from him watching me suffer for so long. And four wonderful daughters who take great care of their mom. But sometimes I worry that my family and friends get tired of the "Celiac world" I live in now. You all know what I mean, the constant attention to any food or drink, the worry of being glutened, finding a doctor who actually knows what they are doing, and the list goes on and on. I know this will get easier as time goes on, but finding that balance can be difficult, so again I am so thankful for this amazing forum and all the wonderful new friends who know exactly what I am going through. Sending out a big hug to all of you!!!

[KikiUSA]

I had a meltdown yesterday at work also. A co worker decided to order pizza for the office and totally left me out. I cried on and off the rest of the day and thought why oh why isnt there a Group like AA for us Celiac's as I so needed to talk to someone who understands what I am going through.

I didn't call my hubby because I feel the same way you do on him getting tired of listening to my new world and fears, although he says he is not tired of it and is always here for me...guess I just feel guilty to always talk about what is going on with me.

If it wasnt for this site I think I would have been put away by now...thanks for sharing your story it sure helps!

[ravenwoodglass]

For me that meltdown effect is the first sign that I have been glutened. The other issues usually start showing up the next day. You could also be going through withdrawl. I was a mess at first for a month or two after going gluten free. It is a big change and even for those that don't go through a true withdrawl there can still be a bit of a greiving process. I hope your feeling better today.

[T.H.]

Then it was the corn. I love corn in all it's forms and it was kind of disheartening.

Have you ever tried to grow your own corn? I ADORE corn, like you - any form it's in, I love this stuff. On going gluten free (I'm at about a year gluten-free now), it looked like corn was a big problem for me. But now, after a year, I've discovered that I'm really sensitive to gluten, and many, many of the things I assumed were intolerances have been turning out to be gluten contamination. Corn is one of the top ones that gets gluten cc, and it's high on the suspect list of 'things that are really gluten cc' for me. I'm growing my own, to check, as soon as it's the right season. If I could have this stuff back, I don't care if I have to become Corn Farmer Joan, I'm doing it!

I've spoken to some other sensitive folk who can get fresh corn at the produce section if it's still wrapped in its husk. They wash the outside husk with gluten free soap and water and then carefully peel it so that if there is any gluten left it doesn't contaminate the inside. They've been able to eat corn that way and have started drying and grinding up that corn for their own cornmeal.

I know that there is also lots of corn sensitivity too among celiacs, but since you seem to love corn so much, I figured I'd mention this, in case you'd like to try it and double check if it's gluten CC vs. sensitivity.

[T.H.]

So sorry you're feeling so bad!

Yeah, I've had that sudden crying/depression moment, just a few times, but when it hits, gawd...it's overwhelming. It's funny how it doesn't have to be something big that sets it off, either. I think sometimes the simple things that I took for granted sometimes hit me the hardest, even when they are just something like being able to go out of the house without planning for food ahead of time.

It does get better, but I'm at just over a year gluten-free now, and every once in a while it still gets me. I have noticed that I tend to feel it more when I'm getting CC somewhere, but I don't know that this is always the case.

[jenngolightly]

For about a week now I have been very depressed, I have been gluten-free since September 13th, (funny how you remember the exact day when you finally find a diagnosis) Anyway I don't know if it is the holiday season, or that at times having Celiac is very overwhelming, but yesterday at work I lost it. For no real reason I started crying and could not stop, I locked myself in the bathroom and just sat there on the floor of the bathroom crying my eyes out, after awhile my boss knocked at the door wanting to talk to me, he is very understanding of everything I am going through, he wanted to send me home, but after a chat with him I decided to stay. I did finish the day, and today I have the day off, so I am looking to my new friends here to tell me I am not crazy and this has happened to someone else. So I am asking has anyone else went on this emotional roller coaster that I am experiencing now. I would appreciate any input, thank you all, this forum has become a second home to me.

You've lost something. There is a grieving period you'll go through. In fact, it took me a long time to go through my grieving period - I'd think it was over, and then whamo, It'd rear it's ugly head when my office would throw a pizza party and I'd be thrown into a cycle of crying and anger all over again. Just accept that what you are going through is normal and there will be days that you will cry. In the beginning this most often this happened to me at the grocery store, so my husband did a lot of the shopping. If I had to go, I knew exactly what I needed and rushed in and out. You'll cry, you'll be angry, you'll feel like it's okay and then it'll start over again.

You'll be fine... but it's okay to lock yourself in the bathroom. I think that was an entirely appropriate thing to do. Good for you.

[bonnie blue]

I had a meltdown yesterday at work also. A co worker decided to order pizza for the office and totally left me out. I cried on and off the rest of the day and thought why oh why isnt there a Group like AA for us Celiac's as I so needed to talk to someone who understands what I am going through.

I didn't call my hubby because I feel the same way you do on him getting tired of listening to my new world and fears, although he says he is not tired of it and is always here for me...guess I just feel guilty to always talk about what is going on with me.

If it wasnt for this site I think I would have been put away by now...thanks for sharing your story it sure helps!

[bonnie blue]

I have had that happen at work too!!! They order pizza, donuts, cookies etc.... and then say oh were sorry, I just smile and shrug go into my office and eat my fruit. Or have you ever had someone say "oh you can have a little, it wont hurt you," ummm ok. Oh well, I guess this comes with the territory, I am glad we both have husbands who care or this situation would be unbearable. Take care.

[Monklady123]

I've felt like this lately also. Maybe it's the winter added in? I don't know (but I do hate the cold, and it's been awfully cold around here). I had a church meeting the other evening that was at a local restaurant (Lost Dog Cafe, in fact I posted about it here). I had a great experience there in terms of not getting glutened. But -- there I was eating my salad while everyone else was digging into pizza or yummy sandwiches. On my way back to my car, walking along the dark and cold street, I did feel sorry for myself.

But -- then I thought to myself, well I was eating way healthier than they were! lol.. sigh...

Yeah, I can relate.

[jenngolightly]

I have had that happen at work too!!! They order pizza, donuts, cookies etc.... and then say oh were sorry, I just smile and shrug go into my office and eat my fruit. Or have you ever had someone say "oh you can have a little, it wont hurt you," ummm ok. Oh well, I guess this comes with the territory, I am glad we both have husbands who care or this situation would be unbearable. Take care.

I was thinking - it was really hard for my office to adjust to my gluten intolerance. But my boss was very considerate, as yours seems to be, and at first it was a novelty but after about 6 months they started to "get it" and suddenly they'd bring in fruit with the bagels and donuts, or salad with the pizza. Then I'd be consulted about where to go to lunch. Last Monday we had a going away lunch for a coworker and they ordered pizza. Someone stopped by my office and said, "What kind of salad should we order for you?" It's been 3 years now, so it's become a part of our office culture, but it took a while to get integrated. In the beginning I'd shy away from our events because there was nothing to eat and people would make me feel self-conscience, but after awhile I was bringing fruit and salads so people saw that. Then they started ordering that for me. And other people started munching on the fruit instead of the donuts. That was pretty cool.

I don't think all offices would do that, but I have a great group of people to work with. I hope you have a similar experience.

[FooGirlsMom]

Have you ever tried to grow your own corn? I ADORE corn, like you - any form it's in, I love this stuff. On going gluten free (I'm at about a year gluten-free now), it looked like corn was a big problem for me. But now, after a year, I've discovered that I'm really sensitive to gluten, and many, many of the things I assumed were intolerances have been turning out to be gluten contamination. Corn is one of the top ones that gets gluten cc, and it's high on the suspect list of 'things that are really gluten cc' for me. I'm growing my own, to check, as soon as it's the right season. If I could have this stuff back, I don't care if I have to become Corn Farmer Joan, I'm doing it!

I've spoken to some other sensitive folk who can get fresh corn at the produce section if it's still wrapped in its husk. They wash the outside husk with gluten free soap and water and then carefully peel it so that if there is any gluten left it doesn't contaminate the inside. They've been able to eat corn that way and have started drying and grinding up that corn for their own cornmeal.

I know that there is also lots of corn sensitivity too among celiacs, but since you seem to love corn so much, I figured I'd mention this, in case you'd like to try it and double check if it's gluten CC vs. sensitivity.

Hey what a terrifically good idea!!! I don't know if it's the corn itself, but it sure will be worth a try to eat fresh grown corn in a husk. You're jogging a memory that I was reacting better to fresh grown corn bought from a local grower this summer (bought tons of it) than the frozen or husked versions...mmm..

I think the worst part of gluten-free is the cross contamination & labeling issues. I totally related to the one poster who said they came home with a tension headache from reading labels. ME TOO. I'm getting more used to it but nothing is totally standardized and the day I discovered on this forum that my rice milk was barley processed I nearly had a conniption.

Thank you for the idea. I really appreciate it!

FooGirlsMOm

[GFshay]

I think it's good to allow yourself to feel the loss and stress that come with this disease. (I should preface this by saying that I'm a clinical psychology PhD student, so I'm biased...but somewhat informed). But I found I had a 1 month or so "Honeymoon Period", where I thought I was coping and felt good just to have something to help me feel better. But then, as other people have said, I started being aware of the possible intolerances I have. I took my first trip away from home and was sick and miserable. I've been eating way too little and feeling malnourished like never before. I found myself feeling sad more often and bursting into tears at the end of my week.

In my semi-almost-professional opinion, however, we need to give ourselves permission to fall apart when we need to. I find that allowing myself to come home and cry whenever I need to (recently, a couple times a week), that helps me feel more normal during my working hours.. I certainly can't burst into tears in front of clients, and would prefer not to do so in front of professors either. But I've given fair warning to my closest friends and family that I'm more emotional these days because I'm still coping and grieving. We can either push those feelings away and let it eat us up (and probably slow our physical healing too), or we can own the distress and take it day by day.

I finally got in with a good nutritionist yesterday who said that nearly all Celiacs she first sees are really depressed and fatigued. In the scheme of it all (especially compared to true clinical depression that often has no clear reason), having weak moments during this process is completely warranted and even healthy. So go ahead and cry, and lots of us will cry with you. Hopefully giving yourself that time to let it out will minimize inconvenient work breakdowns ;-)

[laura4669]

I have been gluten free for a few months now, and I have had several times where I have started crying because it just all seems like too much sometimes!! I am half Italian, and eating pasta, crusty italian bread, pizza, etc has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. I also used to love to cook, and now it just seems like so much work to make sure that every ingredient is gluten free. Sometimes I miss the "comfort" food, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, pizza, and I know there are substitutes, but it just isn't the same. My husband is great, but I know it can get old with me always asking "is it gluten free?" In the scheme of thinks, life could be so much worse, so I do count my blessings every day. I agree with another post that says it is heathy to just cry and get it out. Hope it helps to know you are not alone, I know it helped me to read your post.

[AZGirl]

I had a moment a few days ago. I was walking through Walgreens on my way to fill prescriptions when I rounded the corner and was face to face with Christmas Circus Cookies. I love them!!! Let's be clear that I have probably only eaten them 3 times in my life, because let's face it...they're not good for you, but now I can never have them again. Never! It just hits you hard that things are out of reach. It's no longer my choice to not eat the Circus Cookies.

I have noticed that I say things like: "My Aunt makes all of us kids our own pumpkin-roll for Christmas, they are so good!....Which I will never eat again. "

[plumbago]

I love everyone's answers! Very nice and comforting. Speaking personally, a lot of times in my office, the forced socialization is too much. Especially when, pre diagnosis, I would come back from them feeling bloated and not good. Although I haven't been back to work due to a family break in a while, so I don't know what it'll truly be like to be denied completely the food related activities, I guess in some way I think I'm glad to be able to beg out of these events with a TRUE excuse. But with family and friends, well that is another story.

Love the comments!

[Cypressmyst]

It helps me to look at gluten as a poison, not something edible. As though every pie, every slice of bread or pizza has had motor oil dumped in it and I simply pity the poor folks who are eating it and not realizing all the damage it is doing to them yet.

That is what I find hard. Knowing what I do and having to watch so many people suffering needlessly. I was at the grocery store today and watched as a woman had to use a scooter to get around and winced every time she got out to grab something on a low shelf. I couldn't help but wonder if gluten had caused her to have RA, or MS, or something along those lines.

I ultimately didn't talk to her as I don't think she would listen to a random stranger in a grocery store.

Some listen, some don't, some aren't ready for such an earth shattering thought. The staff of life is killing us.

Try to understand that Celiac is not a disease. It is a reaction to a poison that the body can not handle in the quantities we take it in. You are just fortunate enough to have caught it before it kills you. Try to be happy for that. Most people go their whole lives never figuring this stuff out.

Anyway, hope this visualization method helps you.

*hugs*

[Cinnamongirl]

Hi Bonnie Blue-

I had a bad day today too and am feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I got glutened yesterday and still feel terrible. I'm not able to sleep and am very bloated. I'm experiencing the "why me?" phase right now. I had five good days in a row and now two bad days. I hope you are doing better and please know that you are not alone! I, too, get tired of the limitations. I seem to do best on a brown rice /veggie/ fruit diet with a little meat for protein. I'm sure glad there are people here who relate since my family just does not understand. My quality of life has improved overall since going gluten free, but I am not where I hope to be yet.

[VioletBlue]

Is this the first time this has happened? Seriously? Cause I had meltdowns on a fairly regular basis for the first six months or so

It is going to happen. Things will take you by surprise. The supermarket was out of Diet Coke at one point and I started to cry in the aisle becuase I couldn't remember what else I could drink and I really wanted a Coke. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better and the crying eventually stops. You will get through it, but you have to go through it.

[tea-and-crumpets]

I went gluten free on 10/10/10 and I finally had a big meltdown the other day. I handled Thanksgiving just fine, but I was in Trader Joe's and seeing all their Christmas goodies everywhere just upset me. Not that I would have eaten much of any of them, but the idea that I can't have it... Food is emotional, you know? Sometimes I feel like I'm outside with my face pressed against the glass, watching everyone else eat something delicious.

I also notice I have a tendency to start thinking this way when I let myself get too hungry. I don't know about you, but if I'm going to be out in the world I often don't eat much because I'm afraid of getting sick when I go out. I'm much better than before, when I could barely leave the house without a full day's dose of Immodium, but I still get caught out sometimes. (I think Celiacs should have a bathroom rating guide. I know we ALL know the cleanest bathrooms within a five mile radius of home and work.) So I don't eat until after I've done my day's errands, and that means I'm in the grocery store and everything looks so amazing and I can't have ANY of it. And then I am sad.

[lynnelise]

I've noticed that a lot of my meltdowns seem to coincide with hormonal swings or happen after I've gone too long without eating. I've been gluten-free for a year now and it does get easier.

I came close to breakdown on Saturday because I went to a cookie party just to be social. I brought fudge to share and sat in the corner away from all the baking. Everyone made a point to talk to me and include me as much as possible but I just felt so sad that I couldn't eat any of the delicious cookies. Plus the hostess served the most delicious lunch and I couldn't eat any of it. Due to a miscommunication with my husband I didn't have my purse with my safe snacks so I was hungry and a bit miserable. I just kept trying to focus on how nice it was to see these friends and spend time with them.

My worst times are usually caused by my inlaws. They tend to go on and on about how great something is and practically shove it in my face and then say "oh you can't have this can you?" GRRRR!!!