Hubby Doesn't Want Me To Talk About It Anymore

[Aly1]

I am feeling really low today. I have been glutened repeatedly the past 3 weeks (most recently last night at my in-laws) and am so weak and tired and fed up. Every new food product I try produces symptoms, and we are trying so hard to find things I can eat safely other than just meat and veggies and brown rice, but fail each time. I want to quit but as we all know that isn't really an option!

Now my hubby has indicated he's sick of hearing about gluten gluten gluten and would like me to talk about something else. I can't even mention it now without sensing he doesn't want to hear it. It makes me feel so alone, I have no one in my life who really understands how this has affected me. He gets it but is sick of it dominating our lives. Me too!! And if I was being successful on this diet and feeling good then maybe it could move to the back seat a bit, but the fact is I feel horrible every hour of every day, so if I only mention it once or twice a day then I'm actually doing pretty well.

Are the people in your lives sick of it too? I don't want vilify my husband here - he makes all the meals because I'm too ill to do so, has bent over backwards trying to make gluten-free muffins and other things for me - he just (understandably!) finds this process frustrating and doesn't want to hear about it all the time. He has however been there for me through years of disability and illness so who can fault him? Meanwhile I am researching and reading tons and learning so much but can't share with my best friend.

I just needed to vent here to a group of people here who get what I'm going through. I have never really introduced myself or told my story but I feel like I've gotten to know many of you through your posts. Thanks for listening!

[Booghead]

You need to just eat meat, veg, and fruit until your system can handle the other things. Don't go stuffing yourself full of gluten free processed foods.

As for him telling you he is sick of hearing about it, my mother told me the same thing. It really hurt my feelings. It feels like they don't understand and it is because they don't. They try, but they aren't the ones who are sick.

If you figure out how to deal with it get back to me, because I have no idea. I have decided I won't mention it anymore.

[kareng]

This is on our minds all the time. But it's not on everyone else's. Your hub wants something else in your lives. Find something else to talk about sometimes - sports, movies, politics, the kids.

When you go to the in laws, take your own food. Don't expect someone else to understand how to cook safely for you. Don't expect another family to buy new cooking equipment to cook safely for you. Even if your in laws like you, it's not really fair to expect them to make all the adjustments to cook safely.

[Michelle L]

It's on my mind a lot too. It is somewhat frustrating because many others I know can just go grab a snack and not even have to look a label or worry about it. Whereas I cant just go grab something, I always have to think about it. And also if I dont look a label, there could be one ingredient that causes me to feel sick or have stomach problems for the rest of the day.

I feel overwhelmed sometimes, especially because I am just starting going gluten free/dairy free/soy free. But just try to take it day by day. Even meal by meal. It helps to really keep a food journal and write down after eating breakfast/lunch/dinner if any of the things you ate gave you any symptoms/pain. If you notice they do, try not eating that stuff, and then maybe a couple days later, try it again. If it is still causing you pain..maybe try to stay away from it for a while. Like others said...try eating fruits, vegetables, meats, salads...simple stuff for atleast now, and then eventually reintroduce some things in your diet. One thing I read is that there will be good days and bad days. Somedays you may feel really good, others not so much. But try not to let this get you down. Eventually, things will start to get better! Its hard not to focus on gluten issue, when you are dealing with it, but try to not to let it control you and get the best of you!

[bartfull]

Maybe the reason your husband doesn't want to talk about it anymore is because he feels helpless. You say he does the cooking so that shows he is trying, but because you are still sick, he feels like he is failing. Even a best friend can sometimes get tired of hearing about our problems, especially when they can't make it all better. Let him know how much you appreciate all he does, and let him know that you are trying to get your lives back to normal.

I think I heard somewhere (probably here) that it takes an average of 18 months to figure our diets out. I know I'm still working on it and after seven months, I am eating brown rice, meat and veggies too. I added potatoes back to my diet, but it seems I am having trouble with them again. Can't eat salads, can't eat fruit, can't eat asparagus or sweet potatoes. I'm stuck with broccoli and cauliflower. I'd love to find some new foods to add some variety, but right now, I just want to heal.

So I guess we just have to stick to the basics for now, and hopefully we will heal after a while and it will get easier. I wish you all the best, and give your husband a hug from me.

[Bubba's Mom]

I am feeling really low today. I have been glutened repeatedly the past 3 weeks (most recently last night at my in-laws) and am so weak and tired and fed up. Every new food product I try produces symptoms, and we are trying so hard to find things I can eat safely other than just meat and veggies and brown rice, but fail each time. I want to quit but as we all know that isn't really an option!

Now my hubby has indicated he's sick of hearing about gluten gluten gluten and would like me to talk about something else. I can't even mention it now without sensing he doesn't want to hear it. It makes me feel so alone, I have no one in my life who really understands how this has affected me. He gets it but is sick of it dominating our lives. Me too!! And if I was being successful on this diet and feeling good then maybe it could move to the back seat a bit, but the fact is I feel horrible every hour of every day, so if I only mention it once or twice a day then I'm actually doing pretty well.

Are the people in your lives sick of it too? I don't want vilify my husband here - he makes all the meals because I'm too ill to do so, has bent over backwards trying to make gluten-free muffins and other things for me - he just (understandably!) finds this process frustrating and doesn't want to hear about it all the time. He has however been there for me through years of disability and illness so who can fault him? Meanwhile I am researching and reading tons and learning so much but can't share with my best friend.

I just needed to vent here to a group of people here who get what I'm going through. I have never really introduced myself or told my story but I feel like I've gotten to know many of you through your posts. Thanks for listening!

I'm right there with you! I'm not feeling better and spend most of my time reading and researching, and looking for answers. I feel like I'm fighting for my life right now..and slipping backwards. I'm getting more and more reactions from foods. I've looked into various restricted diets, and tried a lot of things.

My husband doesn't want to hear it. I guess part of it is the frustration that they can't just "fix" us?

Mine travels a lot and is usually here just on the weekends. I don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff and spend most of my time alone, so naturally when I do talk to him..it's about my "issues". I used to miss him so much when he was gone, but now it's a relief when he goes.

He has scolded me for taking "no" for an answer with Dr.s. He says I need to make them listen and do what it takes to get things sorted out. He has told me I need to find better Dr.s, but how do I do that? He has no idea how my Dr. visits go, because I go alone. I go in armed with a list of issues I want to address so I don't forget. Sometimes the Dr.s are open to that, and some seem threatened by an informed patient?

He took me for a rescope because I needed a driver. He heard the Dr. say that my stomach was bright red inside and he could see damage to the intestine with the naked eye. This is not just "in my head" like my old Dr implied, yet just a couple of days ago he asked if my nausea and pain might just be psycological!

You have us here to "talk" to. We are in a fight for our lives here, and our hubbys just can't understand how that feels? I think only others that have gone through it, or are still going through it can know how consuming this is?

My hubby actually gets a bit bent out of shape if I'm online here when he's home, even if he's watching football or something.

I try to talk about things on the news, or tv shows, what's gone on around here while he's been gone etc. so I'm not just appearing to only be focused on myself, but really, how can we not focus on our health..when we don't have it..and desperately want to be "normal"?

Try to be patient with him? I've learned to "read" my hubby's expressions pretty well. If I start to say something and see him "shut down" I change the subject, or just keep it to myself.

I don't really know what the answer is? I guess we need to get through each day as best as we can? I'm here for you. I get it.

[Skylark]

It sounds to me like you're in a vicious spiral, the same one I've been in lately. You feel poorly, and focus on the gluten and feeling poorly, which keeps it at the front of your mind and makes you feel worse. Is it possible your husband is sensing this and trying to push you into steering your mind away from the celiac? It's awfully easy to get obsessed with food with this illness.

What if you try to distract yourself from feeling poorly? Obviously you have to pay attention at mealtime and keep doing research, but for the rest of the day what if you try to push how you feel to the back of your mind? It's not as if you can do much once the gluten is in your system.

I have to make a conscious effort to find subjects other than health to talk about to friends and family and I always feel a little better when I do. I try to get a lot of my need to talk out here and to my acupuncturist who is a fabulous listener.

[Takala]

Bottom Line: You have to be responsible for whatever goes inside of your mouth - not him.

If he's repeatedly glutening you, which is what I am reading between the lines, you need to be doing your own meal prep, especially if you have a mixed household and still have gluten foods being prepped in the same area. If you can't share the research and apply it, it doesn't do you any good.

As for the relatives, you need to develop a thicker hide and not let them prepare foods for you, period. The reality of this is the only people who are going to be "safe" for you to be getting food from are either trained in restaurant work or experienced gluten free cooks, aka some of us, OR a very experienced spouse who cooks and Eff Dees, aka "F - D's" also known as Follows Directions.

Too bad if their feelings are miffed, they don't have the right to make anyone sick.

Quit adding new foods until you are sure of your core group of "safe" existing gluten free ones. Then add ONLY one at a time. It is common in the beginning to not be able to handle dairy products at all, because the damaged villi cannot process the lactose, this may eventually go away and you will be able to do cheese and yogurt - but in the meantime, you may want to stop eating dairy and see if that makes any difference. The other common culprit is soy flour. Millet is not so great for a few people, also. Some react to gluten free oats no matter what. I am the only person I know of who reacts to flax poorly, but there may be others out there.

Common gluten free convenience type foods may have one or more ingredients that set you off, and this is contributing to the feeling of malaise. You may have to be a grainless person for awhile, other than the rice. This can be much better than being sick all the time. You can make a lot of different things out of grain free flours, such as nut meals, seed meals, bean flours or mashed beans, potatoes, etc, or you can order these types of gluten free flours online. You can make single servings of gluten free "bread" in the microwave out of this, using a small ramekin bowl, out of rice flours, out of nut meals, or out of almost anything, quickly, with very little work, using baking soda and cider vinegar or lemon juice as leavening. You can also make simple pancake/ flatbreads on the stovetop in dedicated cast iron or non stick pans. You can also "test" ingredients this way, to see if a certain kind of flour or flour mixture agrees with you, or not, without making a big batch.

Watch out for medications, and otc supplements, they must be gluten free or you will never get anywhere, either.

I am years into this so I'm much better than I was, so I don't think my spouse is "sick" of this, we just eat gluten free at home and he eats what he wants at restaurants (the few we go to, but he will usually order off the same gluten-free menu if he is with me, but not always). He eats out enough at business events he does not feel deprived of anything. We have had a few tiffs over he's purchased the same grocery item without reading the label and the ingredients changed, but that is my fault for not checking, and I just have to be vigilant about what shows up in the pantry sometimes, but at the time I was not a happy camper.

[YoloGx]

Very good advice by Takala and others. Sticking with the basics is really the best. Even with the brown rice I find its necessary to really wash it well several times before cooking. I also make sure I always wash my fruits and vegetables 3 times before eating just to make sure all the gluten from stray hands at the store are not still on them.

You just might really need to create or attend a local celiac support group, whether or not you can eat what they do. Just bring your own food at first given how sensitive you are. Having other folks you can actually talk with about these matters makes a huge difference. Its important to get it out of your system and feel supported. If you can't then try to more actively participate here on celiac.com. We are here for each other.

Although apparently many here can eat foods safely baked in an oven that previously or currently is being used for wheat goods etc., some of us are just too sensitive to tolerate that. If so, you might want to just either have your own dedicated toaster oven or turn on the self cleaning cycle (and put in any old cast iron pans you have at the same time) and make sure after that the oven and pans you use are strictly gluten free. I suggest you leave the house and open all the windows while the self cleaning oven is on to avoid the fumes as much as possible.

I agree with Takala, if your husband is still eating gluten foods he needs to do it elsewhere. Ask him nicely rather than make a big fight. Maybe there is some kind of compromise like an area in the garage or something he can make into his own gluten den that you don't ever go into. He needs to know you care about him too. He is after all doing his best to help you.

If you are really sensitive, he may also need to change his clothes and really brush and wash his mouth out before he kisses and gets close to you. Have him try it out and see if it makes a difference. It is a pain, but could be well worth it since you being sick all the time and not available for positive interaction is a worse pain.

I also have a rule of always washing my hands when I come into the house and before I prepare any foods. I also wash my hands soon after shaking other people's hands (not so they know, I just escape to the bathroom). I always try to be careful of putting my hands to my mouth or face. Its a hard habit to break and I don't always succeed, but it helps.

If you could get your husband and friends and family to wash their hands when the come into the house, it could make a big difference. Think of all the cold and flue bugs you will be eliminating too! So it makes sense all around.

I also find drinking dandelion root and marshmallow tea with nettle tea helps a lot. Often our liver, kidneys, skin and lymphatic system are under a lot of stress due to leaky gut syndrome. Thus teas that help heal these organs and systems can really help make one less sensitive and healthier as well as help you deal with the aftermath of getting glutened so frequently as you seem to be doing.

Hopefully you are doing things like going out for daily walks when you are able.

Further I would suggest taking up some other interest of yours besides just gluten. It really can make a big difference towards creating a more positive life for yourself and your husband. Perhaps take an art or exercise or language class or creative writing or who knows what??

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!

Bea

[Aly1]

Thanks for your replies, I didn't have the energy to respond yesterday. Most of the time when hubby glutens me it's been of my own doing eg. because I've chosen a product without investigating all the ingredients. I've learned that Big Time this month, I have to be more careful. The only thing he's done that I question was cook my dinner right beside a couple of cans of pumpkin that were dusty with flour (from the store). But he is learning and will do whatever needs to be done, he's just that kind of guy.

My other area of issue - probably a bigger one - is having a toddler who I give bread etc to. I really didn't think it was a big deal till yesterday when I handled her bread an a mi it's later realized I was resting my chin in my hands so my fingers were right by my mouth - duh. We are going to see about getting her tested and then get her gluten-free too.

The good thing is Hubby is going gluten-free starting today! He has episodes of food-related digestive issues and finally decided to do a one month gluten-free trial. It would be nice if we just had a gluten-free household, things would be so much simpler.

It was good to be able to come here and vent. I know logically that I can't expect my husband to share all my interests (esp when this one is all about me!) but it still stings. I will just have to spend more time on this board. And as I feel better I'm sure I will have more energy to develop other interests! That is just a dream now. All my spare energy goes toward my toddler and trying to keep my place clean. But I have a list of things I want to do when I'm well enough! Hopefully before I'm eighty!!

[Aly1]

Oh. I know I should be sticking to whole foods, I do - its just that I am losing so much weight and have not been able to eat meat for breakfast, it's gross to me (and we are seriously broke). I just an trying to find some flour that I don't react to so I can make muffins etc to add to my rotation and help me gain a bit of weight. I got some good advice here in that regard and brought some home last night, so fingers crossed on this next attempt!

[Metoo]

Oh. I know I should be sticking to whole foods, I do - its just that I am losing so much weight and have not been able to eat meat for breakfast, it's gross to me (and we are seriously broke). I just an trying to find some flour that I don't react to so I can make muffins etc to add to my rotation and help me gain a bit of weight. I got some good advice here in that regard and brought some home last night, so fingers crossed on this next attempt!

I agree with Takala - I think your husband is telling you this because you are without probably wanting to, blaming him for your glutening or even if you are not blaming him, he is feeling responsible for it becuase he is responsible for the food production.

As far as the toddler, the toddler is related to you, then I would stop giving him/her bread at this point anyways. Chances are they have a problem with gluten also, and if its causing health problems for you it would be better for the toddler to have a mom that is in full-good health than it would be important for him/her to have bread.

As far as expense, if you can have eggs for breakfast. clementines are inexpensive right now, $5-6 for a large bag, bananas are an inexpensive snack. Minute Rice is inexpensive, and gluten free.

I would stop making any baked goods, I know I personally did. I also am no longer buying gluten products for my family, they are going to all be gluten free. I am buying Thai Rice Noodles to replace regular noodles, many spaghetti sauces are gluten free...diced tomatoes, black beans, corn they are all relative inexpensive and gluten free.

I must say I am consumed with most of my free time with researching gluten free stuff. I think thats okay, its a way to learn to try and be in better health.

[Aly1]

He is a typical guy who wants to "fix" me, and when he can't, he gets frustrated. I honesty don't blame him for the cases at home where I've been glutened; as I said he prepares what I say I can eat and how...I just have had a lousy learning curve as of late. I have to be the one to take responsibility for the ingredients we have; I am the one doing the researching and the one with the problem. He works all day and then has to cook when he's tired and not so focused. For example, he used baking soda that had been processed alongside wheat. If I had checked all the ingredients we had beforehand, I would have stopped him and he would have been glad I discovered it. We're a team on this but ultimately the responsibility is mine. It will be easier now that he is going gluten-free. Hope he stays that way!

You are probably right that I will have to give up on my desire to create baked things I can eat - but I'm no ready to throw in the towel just yet. I figure, two more attempts before I throw in the towel...!

Oh, and thanks for mentioning Thai rice noodles - he will like that and we hadnt considered them

[Aly1]

And we are finishing our last loaf of ww bread for our little girl. Then I just won't buy anymore! Hoping to get her tested ASAP and then have her go gluten-free too...

[AVR1962]

It is very hard to understand celiac and I am wondering if maybe your system might need some more time to heal, I didn't see how long you have been gluten-free. It is a slow hard process in the beginning and it might be that some of what you are eating still might be bothering your system even if it is not gluten. Keeping a food diary might be helpful.

Another thing to consider, not being the cook yourself, is how the foods are being prepared. I let my husband and daughter have the non-stick and I saved my scrubbable pans for my foods. My husband does not rinse well when he does dishes and that goo from pasta sticks. I do not use the pasta strainer. I do not use the toaster. I got on my husband about double dipping in the condiments and cutting cheese on the counter top.....I cannot take a chance with even a crumb! So there are many things that could be keeping you sick.

At first I could not eat high fructose which is in BBQ sauce, ketchup, alot of drinks and candies....made me dizzy and sick to my stomach. Could not eat anything with guar gum, xanthan gum so avoided all gums for the same reason. Carrageenan was another one, real bad news if I ate anything with it. Dairy and oats were out. I had trouble initially eating meat.

As my system has healed I have been able to add things but you really have to get it all figured out and if husband is the main cook that put a HUGE responsibility on him to figure this out with you in mind, and that would be very hard to do. He is not the one that is going to feel it in his gut the next day.

[Strawberry-Jam]

Oh. I know I should be sticking to whole foods, I do - its just that I am losing so much weight and have not been able to eat meat for breakfast, it's gross to me (and we are seriously broke). I just an trying to find some flour that I don't react to so I can make muffins etc to add to my rotation and help me gain a bit of weight. I got some good advice here in that regard and brought some home last night, so fingers crossed on this next attempt!

peanut butter is a really good, calorie-dense food, as well as all nut butters. When I need to keep weight on, I eat LOTS of peanut butter, sunflower seed butter, and cashew nut butter. As well as handfuls of mixed nuts.

Another good food is avocado. And you don't like bacon with breakfast? Full-fat bacon is good; fry eggs in the bacon grease too. Or if you don't like the grease of fried eggs (even with olive oil), try boiled eggs and fruit in the morning.

[bartfull]

There are many gluten free protein powders on the market. If you can have dairy, they make a great milkshake. My friend with cancer who had gotten down to 77 pounds started drinking them and she gained eight pounds in two months.

[Gemini]

There are many gluten free protein powders on the market. If you can have dairy, they make a great milkshake. My friend with cancer who had gotten down to 77 pounds started drinking them and she gained eight pounds in two months.

This is excellent advice! Protein powders can add many calories when you just cannot eat another morsel of food. I also have low body weight and struggle to keep the pounds on. Protein shakes are good and really work....regardless of what some people may tell you. Liquids slide down much easier than solids so it's easier to pound these down. Once you heal better, you can add in gluten-free bread and other products that will help you gain weight. To this day, the best thing to eat after protein shakes is bread. That's why everyone loses weight on a low carb diet....bread just makes you fat!

[Strawberry-Jam]

most protein powders are soya or whey, but I have a huge bottle of hemp protein powder in me house, and I've seen pea protein powder for sale as well. So there's plenty of options out there, in that regard.

good for muscle repair as well.

[YoloGx]

Just want to add that even though you need to gain weight, its wise not to eat too much grease. I am discovering that eating heavier meats and butter frequently was not good for me. I ended up stressing my liver and gall bladder.

Many people here get gallstones probably in part due to leaky gut (due to the damaged villi from celiac or severe gluten intolerance) creating enough stress on their liver all by itself. Add a bunch of cholesterol and you get gallstones. Better to avoid the problem in the first place than create it semi on purpose, eh?

Its thus better to have things like olive oil and/or safflower oil than a diet heavy with grease!

Thus be sure to remove the chicken fat etc. etc.