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A Joke For Today

IrishHeart

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IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted

>

>

>

> After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

>

> He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

>

> She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

>

> He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,

> and Hot".

>

> She smiled happily and said ...

> "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

>

> He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

>

> The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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  • Replies 75
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Bubba's Mom Enthusiast
Bubba's Mom
Posted

LOL! :lol:

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

Saw this on FB. From Perpetual Kid. Not exactly a joke but a funny idea:

This weekend, you should try walking into a store all panicked and ask what year it is. When they respond with 2012, smile... start laughing uncontrollably and start screaming, "IT WORKED!!! IT WORKED!!!" If you can capture this on video, even better.

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Saw this on FB. From Perpetual Kid. Not exactly a joke but a funny idea:

This weekend, you should try walking into a store all panicked and ask what year it is. When they respond with 2012, smile... start laughing uncontrollably and start screaming, "IT WORKED!!! IT WORKED!!!" If you can capture this on video, even better.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll do it!!! you know I will....

JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll do it!!! you know I will....

Piece of advice- will be more effective with torn clothing and sticks&twigs in your hair. Just sayin....

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

Or clothes from the past. Like little house on the prairie or 1920s flapper

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Funny you mention this!!!

today, (because it was more fun than Spring cleaning <_< )...I was thinking of going with the flapper outfit from when I played Flo in the musical "Good News"....boa and all.

Think it'll work??

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kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author
:lol: :lol: :lol:
  • 2 weeks later...
squirmingitch Veteran
squirmingitch
Posted

A feel good video for the day:

I guarantee you will be amazed. She's NINETY FOUR!

For all you dancers out there

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO ENJOY LIFE:)

Mathilda's Solo, something to look forward to?

And she is 94 now!!

Open Original Shared Link

pricklypear1971 Community Regular
pricklypear1971
Posted

I wish I could do that NOW.

mushroom Proficient
mushroom
Posted

OMG, that little lady is wonderful!!! Hat off to her. :)

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Hey, how did you get your hands on that video of me?.....they said it would not be posted on youtube!!!

:lol:

That chick is SOMETHING!! Rock on, sister!

My parents danced like that. Elegant. Graceful. sigh.

I dance like that, but hubs....er, does not. Two left feet.

He says, you do all the work, babe. So, I dance around him. :lol:

That's right, SQUIRMY, you are never too old to dance.

I still dance, even when I am extra ouchy.

It's good for the soul. :)

squirmingitch Veteran
squirmingitch
Posted

I can't keep still when the music moves me! And the music moves me ---- well, anytime I hear music!laugh.gif

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted
IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Bubba's Mom Enthusiast
Bubba's Mom
Posted
:lol::lol::lol:
JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted

That reminds me of a coworker I had who complained all the time. He would use that old saying, the squeaky wheel always gets the grease? I got sick of it one day and told him that sometimes the squeaky wheel gets rePLACED. He got fired a week later... :D

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

sometimes the squeaky wheel gets rePLACED. He got fired a week later... :D

:lol: :lol:

sometimes, the universe just rights itself, doesn't it??

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Heard this one today.

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson

that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to

sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he

died.

He left behind 14 children

30 grandchildren

45 great-grandchildren

25 great-great-grandchildren, and a

15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

squirmingitch Veteran
squirmingitch
Posted
laugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.gif
JNBunnie1 Community Regular
JNBunnie1
Posted

GOOD: At Houma, a policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

GOOD: At Houma, a policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in New Orleans. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Louisiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Louisiana State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Good ones! :D

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's a good thing it wasn't me driving that car when he said that.

I may not have known to leave well enough alone.

squirmingitch Veteran
squirmingitch
Posted

Ditto that IH.

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    • trents
      celiac, chocolate and alcohol

      By trents · Posted

      So, you had both and endoscopy with biopsy and a colonoscopy. That helps me understand what you were trying to communicate. No, no! It never occurred to me that you were trying to mislead me. It's just that we get a lot of posters on the forum who are misinformed about what celiac disease is and how it is diagnosed so I need some clarification from you which you were so gracious to give.
    • barb simkin
      celiac, chocolate and alcohol

      By barb simkin · Posted

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    • trents
      celiac, chocolate and alcohol

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    • barb simkin
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      By barb simkin · Posted

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    • trents
      celiac, chocolate and alcohol

      By trents · Posted

      @barb simkin, are you sure the chocolate products are gluten-free and not "manufactured on equipment that also handles wheat products and tree nuts", i.e., cross-contamination? And what kind of alcoholic beverages are we talking about? Most beers are made from gluten-containing grains. Just checking.
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