Significant Other Who Doesn't Understand :(

[lacey]

I finally received my official Celiac diagnosis last week. I've struggled with severe wheat and dairy allergies for years, along with intolerances to eggs and soy. I also have SIBO and am going through thyroid testing. I'm in my mid-twenties so this a a blow.

 

I've been dating this guy for almost a year, but after i received my diagnoses he has become more impatient with my strict diet (he loves to eat everything and anything). I asked him about it tonight, and also gave him an out of our relationship if it's too much now. He didn't answer my question, but instead stated he thought I was being lazy about finding restaurants and am being too paranoid. 

 

I dont know about everyone else, but the safest places for me to eat are Chipotle and Qdoba. The other night we went to Famous Daves...I ordered grilled chicken and broccoli and still had a reaction and have felt ill for days. My stomach swelled up and I looked 6 months pregnant. Anyways, he is tired of going to the same places all the time. I'll cook for him when I can, but sometimes I'm just too tired. 

 

He doesn't understand, or seem to care. How do I make him get what I am going through?? If we don't stay together, how do I date other guys with all of these dang allergies?? I feel like weirdo at restaurants and bbqs, family events and date nights

 

I feel misunderstood and I'm tired of dealing with health problems. Any advice is appreciated! 

[LookingforAnswers15]

Hi Lacey,

 

sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Your priority right now should be taking care of yourself. If your boyfriend does not understand it is his problem, not yours. You are the one who has to deal with side effects of getting glutened and ultimately being in pain. I do not want to sound harsh, but it is ridiculous that he is getting tired of eating at the same place, while you cannot even eat everything that you used to before. I do not understand how this has not crossed his mind. I don't know your bf but from what you said, he is not trying to even understand what you are going through and you cannot make him get/understand what you are feeling/experiencing if he is not even willing to try. If he just looked at you, how your stomach swells, and how bad you feel after getting glutened, I would hope he would be more sensitive. I would feel bad for a stranger if he/she told me that they had some chronic illness let alone someone I love. You know best if this relationship is worth your energy but stress is not good for you either or accidentally getting glutened. The last thing you need right now is being called lazy and paranoid. He could also take initiative to find gluten free restaurants for you instead of expecting you to do all the work.  Maybe we are "paranoid" sometimes but who can blame us when we feel like crap when we eat something we should not. I only feel safe eating food I cook. I do go to 2 restaurants as well that have gluten free food but if I go to any other place that does not specify it is gluten-free, I am scared of contamination so I usually order something to drink. If you want future with him, you will definitely have to talk about all of this because many households have gluten free kitchen when one of the partners/spouses is celiac to avoid cc. Would he be willing to do that if needed?

 

I am in no position to be anyone's relationship guru since i am single. All the questions that you are asking yourself about possibly dating other guys and if they will understand often cross my mind. I was glad that I was single when I was diagnosed because I felt horrible and could not even think of going out.  However, in the moments of panic (when experiencing random symptoms) it would be nice to have that special person next to me to be there for me and offer support. I truly do not know how this will affect any of my future relationships. I am much less social than I used to be since I do not go out to eat a lot (I am so scared of cc) and even drinking two glasses of wine gives me the worst hangover BUT I really have to work on my social life =). Don't think that it is impossible to find a nice guy who will love you regardless of celiac. I have not put myself out there so I cannot expect to meet someone until I am ready for that. What I learned so far in my life is that we should never settle when it comes to relationship. There is a quote that says"Once you settle, you get less than you settled for".

 

I wish you good luck figuring out your relationship. It does not have to be a quick decision, take time and figure out what is best for you. Don't worry, you are still young =).

[lacey]

Thank you for your reply! It seems like no one understands what I'm going through...you helped

At the beginning he thought I was faking my food allergies for attention. Then I think he realized how severe when I was told I could go in anaphylactic shock if I ate wheat. I've been going through testing and I think he had false hopes that everything was going to get better...now it's worse and life-long at that...no cure.

I think I know what I need to do here. However, I'm already dealing with so many emotions due to my health, and am not in the mood for more drama. It would be nice to have someone be more supportive. I think if he was "The One" I wouldn't be on here

[nvsmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It sounds as though he isn't being too willing to put himself in your shoes.    Would he consider trying more things rather than just going out to eat for dates?  Go play a sport, go for a walk, a movie, or just go for coffee?  That's a good compromise.  If you do want to go out to eat, you'll need to research more places that you can safely eat at.  If he hasn't yet grasped the seriousness of avoiding cc, you will need to do some research to find some other safe places to eat at.  Yes, it would be nice if he did it but it is your issue so you should probably be the one to do it.

 

It can take some significant others a while to embrace your diet. It took my hubby a few months, and me pulling him over to the computer to show him how small of a crumb could make me sick, before he fully understood.  He gets it now but I still feed me and my gluten-free children when we go out.  It's a bit overwhelming for him, and all he can handle is buying the kids potato chips.  

 

It does sound like you are not sure of this one... Hard times are a good test of relationships.  Plus you are dating now so he IS on better behaviour than he will be once you are married.  If you know this isn't going anywhere, it may be a good time to cut your losses.  If it has potential, give him a while.  JMHO.

 

Hang in there.  Many of us dealt with multiple autoimmune issues that had settled in by our twenties.  You're in good company here.  You'll get through it.  It's inconvenient and not fair, but it will get easier once you get it sorted out.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[bartfull]

OK, I am 61 years old and I am here to give you relationship advice.

 

A lot of times we (both men and women) fool ourselves into thinking we love someone when actually what we love is the way they make us feel. Sounds OK until you stop to think about it - REAL love has less to do with wanting the peson around because they make us feel good than with caring about that person so much that we care about how THEY feel.

 

True love means being able to sacrifice having a good time if that good time means the one we love might suffer.

 

If he is this insensitive to your feelings and your health at this stage, it will only get worse with time.

[lacey]

Thanks everyone

[squirmingitch]

I agree 100% with what Bartful said. 

[Gemini]

You know, barty.....you must be an old soul because you have such wonderful knowledge and give such great advice. The forum is lucky to have you here! 

[bartfull]

Wow, Thanks Gemini! I don't know if I'm an old soul but more likely just OLD!

[Gemini]

Well....I'm right behind you on that train! 

[cap6]

You aren't old Bartfull!!  I'm 64.  I couldn't agree more with what you said.  If he doesn't care about her health and issues now, when they are young, he sure as heck won't when they get older.  He'll end up being an old fart only interested in himself.....and will spread crumbs all over the house.  eeewww! 

[SMDBill]

After 25 years of marriage, all I can say is that love finds a way. If he truly cares for you, YOUR interests, feelings and health will be top priority. After all, you're only fun and happy when you are safe and healthy. His job is to make sure you are all those things. If he's not living  up to that, I'd have to question the strength of the relationship on his side. That's harsh, but reality is best discovered before a solid commitment. And if he becomes committed, he needs to become committed to you in your entirety, with whatever issues you have and those which may arise in the future. To be a team, it takes two who care more for each other than themselves.

 

I had skeptical family, but they quickly played along when they saw my symptoms improve from being gluten-free. I do not have celiac, but sensitivity to gluten. My oldest son thinks it's in my head and nothing can change his mind. My other son's ex-girlfriend has sensitivity and went gluten free. She's a daughter to a divorced couple and her dad would not put up with her gluten-free needs. He said it was all BS and in her head, so when she spent time at his house, she also spent time in bed and in the bathroom, feeling quite miserable. Those who deny it can have a lot of power over those who do have the issues, and you need  your boyfriend to be your teammate, not your challenger. How it works out is up to you, but maybe buying some books or printing articles with things you highlight for him could change his tune. Otherwise, he's probably not the one you want to suffer the rest of your life with if his goal is to selfishly eat whatever he wants and force you to tag along.

[CK1901]

I can never understand people that behave that way. There is so more to life and relationships than shoveling greasy restaurant food in your mouth!

 

I might sound like a high mainentance maniac, but I've had good success being more picky than not. It's perfectly fine to hold your significant other to a high standard of behavior. If you feel like the relationship is not meeting your expectations, you should vocalize those needs or move on. If he isn't receptive to what you require emotionally or health-wise, it's a free pass to break up with him. You deserve better than someone who is more preoccupied with what is essentially glorified fastfood than your general well-being. You don't owe anyone an apology because you have a medical condition. If he can't wrap his head around that, he's probably not that smart, nor is he worthy of your time. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. You're bound to find a more compassionate partner if you're actively looking for one.

[psawyer]

Jacquie and and I have been married for almost 34 years. It has worked that long because we both see it about giving and supporting. Each of has been through some tough times and health issues, and the other has stood by and given support.

 

I've been dating this guy for almost a year, but after i received my diagnoses he has become more impatient with my strict diet (he loves to eat everything and anything). I asked him about it tonight, and also gave him an out of our relationship if it's too much now. He didn't answer my question, but instead stated he thought I was being lazy about finding restaurants and am being too paranoid.

To me, that is a sign of deep problems in the relationship. Follow your heart, but my sense is that there is a fundamental problem there.

You will find unconditional support here.

[lacey]

Thank you everyone for your advice! It took me a while to get the guts up to break things off. He still managed to say that I make Celiac and my food allergies a bigger deal then they need to be and that I try to get attention from it. I should "stop caring so much"'. Crazy right? I feel like I do pretty good at staying positive about it. I don't even like to talk about it unless I have to. It's not my identity and there is more to life then eating whatever the heck you want. I know you guys know what I'm going through. It's a battle to stay healthy! I'm still sad and miss him...but hopefully there is someone out there who can understand me. Maybe I need to find a new guy with Celiac ha ha

[bartfull]

GOOD FOR YOU!!! You may miss him for a little while but you don't need a selfish jerk in your life. Whether you find a guy with celiac or just a guy who isn't so wrapped up in himself that he doesn't care about your health, you will be better off. Congratulations on escaping from someone who would have made you miserable in SO many ways.

[cyclinglady]

My husband went gluten free 14 years ago per the very poor advice of his GP and my allergist (no testing was done and there is no way he will do a challenge now). I had allergies and intolerances to many things and he had to be gluten free, but we supported one another. I cooked gluten-free and got my gluten fix away from him. Twelve years later, I was formally diagnosed with celiac disease. After more than 25 years together we are a team and we support one another. That is love!

Ya never know...you might just marry someone who has celiac disease!

[notme]

good for you, sweetie.  i know, it's sad, but the right one will take proper care of you.  i say PROPER because this lifestyle is (sorry) Detail Oriented.  if anything ever was, this is.  honestly, when i read this thread, i want to say to your ex-fellow:  i'm so sorry that my DISEASE is an INCONVENIENCE to you.  that's my standard statement to self centered losers.  why on earth would anyone want you to be constantly sick??

 

my husband is on 'alert' at all times, for example, my sister-in-law puts her hand in the ice bin after she eats a (gluten) sandwich to get some ice cubes for her drink.  i come back into the kitchen and go to get ice and he makes the cut-throat sign at me.  so, even when other people aren't paying attention, i have an extra set of eyes keeping me safe.  no ice, LOLZ, but also not sick for 2 weeks.  he also speaks up for me when i'm so damb sick of explaining my disease, he does the talking when i answer "i have an auto immune disease called celiac that doesn't allow me to eat gluten BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH................"  

 

the guy has watched me be sick for 20 years (all the restaurant trips we literally just sat down at the table and i ate one bite of bread and ended up deathly sick in the rest room to the point that he had to send a waitress in to see if i was ok)  he would do anything to make sure i don't get sick.  

 

and, lololz, i often wonder if i ever had to date again, if i would lean toward dating somebody who had to be as careful as i have to with my diet.  haha, husband's first cousin was just diagnosed with gluten intolerance (and i suspect celiac because of all the rotten symptoms that have cleared up for her), so, i'm thinking maybe natural selection has done it's job and the gluten free diet is also good for my sweet darling    mysterious wayssssssssssssss

 

you'll be fine.  you'll be better than fine!!  you'll be fabulous, dahling

[Gemini]

You are going to be more than fine, lacey!  Anyone with the courage to leave a relationship because they recognize that their partner is selfish is on the right road.  Don't look too hard for someone else because by not looking too hard or being on the hunt, what you want will cross your path and come to you.  You are a smart cookie! 

[CK1901]

Very proud of you Lacey!

[lacey]

For those of you who may even look at this...the ex  bf contacted me over the weekend...Hinted at wanting to get back together...then proceeded to ask if my food allergies are gone yet. GOOD GRIEF. Ummm bye bye mr! 

[squirmingitch]

He's really a loser isn't he? I wonder if he will ever realize what a jerk he truly is.

Go Lacey!

[kareng]

Did you ask him if his jerkiness went away yet?  Ugh

 

[squirmingitch]

Good one Karen!

[lacey]

Ha ha ha! I said "It doesn't matter to you"! Grrrrr. Then he proceeded to send me emoticons....top hat, dog, bow tie, shoes. Apparently this is the new way to communicate when you are in your thirties. Good grief! Lol