The Poopie List

[Guest nini]

The Poopie List* GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[Fiddle-Faddle]

[2kids4me]

and for the older ladies in the group who have ....bladder issues... ( I am 45 in few weeks so am familiar with it....)

sneak pee - you end up with wet spot in underwear

sneezy pee - you end up with bigger wet spot.

cough pee - same as sneezy pee

laughing out loud pee - usually stops the laugh in its track as it causes same effect as cough and sneezy pee

All of the above will cause abrubt exit to washroom to empty bladder -then you can cough, sneeze and laugh without a problem.

Have learned to void prior to any comedy and take pre-emptive measures when I have cold - never let the baldder get full girls!

[jerseyangel]

  2kids4me said:

and for the older ladies in the group who have ....bladder issues... ( I am 45 in few weeks so am familiar with it....)

sneak pee - you end up with wet spot in underwear

sneezy pee - you end up with bigger wet spot.

cough pee - same as sneezy pee

laughing out loud pee - usually stops the laugh in its track as it causes same effect as cough and sneezy pee

All of the above will cause abrubt exit to washroom to empty bladder -then you can cough, sneeze and laugh without a problem.

Have learned to void prior to any comedy and take pre-emptive measures when I have cold - never let the baldder get full girls!

So true, so, so, true

[Guest nini]

I figured if ANYONE could appreciate good "poopie" humor it would be a bunch of celiacs!

[CarlaB]

  nini said:

I figured if ANYONE could appreciate good "poopie" humor it would be a bunch of celiacs!

Or a group of young teenage boys

[kalanfan]

second wave poopie really speaks to me...lol and the spinal tap poopie......along with the wet cheeks poopie......thats awesome nothing like good potty humour

[plantime]

I'm going to copy this and email it to my husband! He will love it!!

PS: the warning about the peepee should have come first, I almost wet myself laughing!

[jams]

OMG!! I think I just did a laughing pee!!! I don't usually laugh out loud, but my husband is in the other room laughing at me because I was laughing so hard!! Leave it to us Celiacs to find it so funny!!!

[Lisa]

Oh my gosh don't know whether to laugh or cry.........

I'm the wet poopie and have been know to mistake a big fat fart ( or even the small silent ones ) for a.........need to get to the bathroom in 4.0 seconds and got there in 4.5..........ooops. I lost alot of really nice jeans in total discussed.

don't thing I'll sign my name on this one.

[Carriefaith]

LOL, That is so funny!

[Guest ~jules~]

OMG!!!! Theres a friggin poop list now! lmao!

[flagbabyds]

this is hilarious! OMG wow!

[Lymetoo]

I liked the Ghost Poopie the best. One of those where you think...."What happened to it??"

Second wave happens to me alot....=guess I'm always in too big a hurry to stay put for long!!

[tiredofdoctors]

That is bust-a-gut funny!!!!!

[jenvan]

ha ha! anyone here ever seen "Along Came Polly?" "Shart" should be added to that list

[jerseyangel]

Where, but here, can people appreciate this stuff--and actually identify with it!!!

  jenvan said:

ha ha! anyone here ever seen "Along Came Polly?" "Shart" should be added to that list

OMG Jen--we were posting at the same time! I thought that movie was so funny! I could really relate to the poor guy

[mythreesuns]

Some more poop humor:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK WITH GRACE

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will leave all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[kalanfan]

ROTFLMAO thats awesome!!!!!!

I hate people that stay in the bathroom forever.....its like its almost empty for you to "do your thing" but theres one person thats standing at the mirror forever!!!!! and then when they finally leave its just as someone else is coming in.....

My method of public pooing is to sit on the toilet....get yourself ready and then wait for someone to flush then let it rip while the flushing noice is covering it up....lol....but you have to be able to stop in mid poo to wait for the next flusher......lol

[sillyactsue]

Ha ha ha,

I can finally relax. So many questiions have been answered on this thread. The eternal and totally self centered, 'Does anybody else in the world use as much toilet paper as me?' question especially. And doesn't it show awesome creativity on the part of humanity to save face? But better than saving face is just knowing that I have the freedom to poop and laugh about it. Who knows , I may even come out of the closet and never come out of the stall! I have to question the accuracy of one poster though. Is this really a gut buster or is it a BUTT GUSTER?

Sillyact sue

[plantime]

When I reached the last one on the workpoops, I laughed until I puked! My husband's name is Todd, and he always makes such a big deal of his "two-flushers" and bathroom funkers!

[penguin]

Yep, there is a reason I keep a potent can of air freshener in the bathroom at work. I do several mercy sprays before and after the event

[hineini]

i love this thread! hilarious.

i enjoy poop humor. but then again, i have gastrointestinal problems up the wazoo... and i'm a 14 yr old boy trapped in a 25 yr old woman's body ;-P