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A Veteran Here

Lisa

By Lisa
in Introduce Yourself / Share Stuff

Recommended Posts

Mtndog Collaborator
Mtndog
Posted
And a concussion along with knocking out whatever teeth I have left after this disease took most of them.

OMG :P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

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  • Replies 123
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plantime Contributor
plantime
Posted
:lol::lol::lol::lol: Hi Rusla!! Welcome back!!
CarlaB Enthusiast
CarlaB
Posted
Now on a more somber note I must report that my bra has died. It held me up for awhile but then it let me down. Which,it is responsible for breaking both my kneecaps and causing me to have whiplash.

:lol::lol::lol: I don't think I would have had this problem .... nursing five kids eliminated all I had!!

My son told me a joke today: An old lady was given three wishes for her birthday. Her first one was that she become rich, and she did. The second was that she become young and beautiful, and she did. Her third was that her dog become a handsome man, and he did -- then he said to her, "Now, don't you wish you didnt' have me neutered!!"

Rikki Tikki Explorer
Rikki Tikki
Posted
:lol::lol::lol: I don't think I would have had this problem .... nursing five kids eliminated all I had!!

My son told me a joke today: An old lady was given three wishes for her birthday. Her first one was that she become rich, and she did. The second was that she become young and beautiful, and she did. Her third was that her dog become a handsome man, and he did -- then he said to her, "Now, don't you wish you didnt' have me neutered!!"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Now that we have Rusla here to round up the number of girls on here, I must share this gem that was sent to me by my husband after it went around to all the guys in his office and they laughed uproariously. While it is definitely a "guy" joke, I admit I found myself nodding and chuckling as I read: (any guys reading, get ready...)...

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the proceedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE proceedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEEDURES:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEEDURES:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth, repeating many times as required to align car with the ATM machine

3. Set parking brake; put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate bank card.

5. Tell person on cellphone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rearview mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward two feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cellphone.

26. Drive for two to three miles.

27. Release parking brake.

:lol::lol::lol:

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted
Now that we have Rusla here to round up the number of girls on here, I must share this gem that was sent to me by my husband after it went around to all the guys in his office and they laughed uproariously. While it is definitely a "guy" joke, I admit I found myself nodding and chuckling as I read: (any guys reading, get ready...)...

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the proceedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE proceedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEEDURES:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEEDURES:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth, repeating many times as required to align car with the ATM machine

3. Set parking brake; put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate bank card.

5. Tell person on cellphone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rearview mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward two feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cellphone.

26. Drive for two to three miles.

27. Release parking brake.

:lol::lol::lol:

Well there is stuff missing from the mens side.

First men wiggle around in their seat looking for their wallet,

Then they take off the seat belt so that get said wallet.

Then man finds out he left wallet at home.

He goes back home to get wallet and asks wife where it is, he finds out he left the wallet at work and drives back to work without the keys to the office.

Now he drives back home to get the office keys but realizes he left the keys in the jacket he took to the dry cleaners.

He goes to the dry cleaners and gets them to find the keys.

He then heads back to the office and does not find his wallet.

He goes back out to the car and finds out his wallet is in the glove compartment.

He heads back to the bank machine and pulls his bank cared out of the wallet.

Then he gets the money and puts money in wallet.

Then he wiggles around trying to get wallet in back pocket.

He then undoes the seatbelt to stick the wallet in back pocket.

He then puts wallet in back pocket then puts seatbelt back on and drives home.

Upon opening his wallet again he realizes he left his card in the machine.

See they have considerably more steps in theirs.

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

I think I like Rusla's better as hers is so true for the men. Except, mine would just ask me for the $ instead of going through all of that LOL.

Of course, I have to admit that I have known women that are just like on the list.

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elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Rusla, those added "MALE" steps sound an awful lot like a routine I would put myself through. But I tell ya, they still cannot find that magarine in the fridge that is sitting right there...YA JUST NEED TO MOVE ONE LTTLE THING... :rolleyes:

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted

I know, my son used to ask where his shoes were, I told him he was the one who wore them not me so he should know where he put them.

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

I figure that my God is going to make sure that I outlive my husband. My hubby may drive me places that are far away since the Ataxia and the exhaustion, but at home he can't find anything. He does not know how to pay bills, etc. When I want to teach him he ignores me. I really think that he believes that if he does not learn that stuff, that I won't die. That has to be a man thing. We woman tackle problems head on.

The only thing is that since I got so ill 3 years ago, he has learned where MY tool box was and how to use all of the tools - he he. So now I am the one who says "where is the hammer".

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Mouse, I know what you mean...the pressure's on to stay not just healthy but ALIVE, as I don't quite know how my husband would manage around here without me... :lol::rolleyes:

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted

The other thing is that I know very few men live alone or can live alone. Yet I know many women including myself that are happy and live alone successfully.

chgomom Enthusiast
chgomom
Posted

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

Now that is the ticket!

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

When I did not recover the way we thought I would (my hubby and I and not the doctor-he already had that figured out), I asked hubby if we could downsize. He finally agreed. He did not want to at first as he had built me my own mini resort in our backyard and it really took some talking to get him to realize that it was just too much for me to worry about. I did not tell him that the first and most important reason was that I did not want to die and leave him with a pool (he does not swim) or a house too big for him. Now everyone will say that he would just get married again. I know that he won't. Like he tells me - "you sleep with the same rock for 43 years, you cannot replace that rock, no matter how you try" :blink::lol: . Besides which he also says there is not another woman alive that would let him go and watch the horses run at an off track betting parlor, every afternoon of the week. He says a woman might say that would be fine, but get married to her and the worm would turn. Boy does he know his women - he he. Too bad he does not know how to pay the bills.

Lisa Mentor
Lisa
Posted
  • Author

He's got it made babe. Hope he knows where to take out the garabage. :P

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

Before I got sick I did it all. But, he really has done a complete turn around. Does the garbage LOL, helps me with dishes, makes the bed (not to great, but he tries, etc. But, before he retired he used to work anywhere from 80 to 110 hours a week and that is why I had to learn how to do things or at least know how to dial the phone to get someone out to the house that could fix it. But, when the chips were down, he definately has tried to come to the rescue. If anyone from Illinois knew that he was doing these things, they would think he had a brain transplant :lol::lol:

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted

Those whips and high black leather boots really helped, didn't they mouse.

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

Rusla, how did you know :lol::lol::lol:

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted

I know what you are up to young missy.

mouse Enthusiast
mouse
Posted

Young missy my foot. I am probably old enough to be your Mother - will maybe your MUCH older sister - He He.

Rusla Enthusiast
Rusla
Posted
Young missy my foot. I am probably old enough to be your Mother - will maybe your MUCH older sister - He He.

I think you may be delusional, I know the gluten did it.

They made a mistake on your birth certificate just like they did on mine. I think they made a mistake on many of our birth certificates. You are probably young enough to by age or my slightly older sister. You are a spring ostritch, look at that perky look on your face.

nikki-uk Enthusiast
nikki-uk
Posted
Those whips and high black leather boots really helped, didn't they mouse.

A ha!!!

So that's how to get your hubby to help out with chores !!! :lol::lol:

elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Gotta use whips and chains, huh?...I've always just popped an Altoid... :ph34r::lol:

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