Anyone Not Have Kids And Not Work Too?

[kareng]

I love you all! Thank you. I left a little plus mark on each post to let you know I read it and appreciate it.

So let me get this straight..next time I'm asked I will reply: "Well I'm a kept woman mooching off my husband who spoils me while we live in luxury, I do nothing at all, really, I'm a homemaker who freelances in a little bit of everything." And then perhaps I can add that I need to get home to wait for the furniture to show up.

Sounds good. I'm still waiting for the furniture! They got behind and by10pm never came! Now I will have to wait around on Monday to get it! Good thing that's my job!

[jerseyangel]

So let me get this straight..next time I'm asked I will reply: "Well I'm a kept woman mooching off my husband who spoils me while we live in luxury, I do nothing at all, really, I'm a homemaker who freelances in a little bit of everything." And then perhaps I can add that I need to get home to wait for the furniture to show up.

I love it!!

[lucia]

I love you all! Thank you. I left a little plus mark on each post to let you know I read it and appreciate it.

So let me get this straight..next time I'm asked I will reply: "Well I'm a kept woman mooching off my husband who spoils me while we live in luxury, I do nothing at all, really, I'm a homemaker who freelances in a little bit of everything." And then perhaps I can add that I need to get home to wait for the furniture to show up.

That's hilarious.

I'm imagining the reaction.

[kitgordon]

I'm memorizing it!

[notme]

mleh, i'd just tell 'em, "i sell crack. in your neighborhood." hahahahaaaa!!

i stay at home. my husband is a 'transporter' (ok, a really awesome trucker:)) i worked for 12 years as a freight broker then the company i worked with went out of business. i had a few offers that i had turned down through the years, so i started working them from the house. i still do work a little and we get by, but - the wierd thing - i didn't like not working, but the sicker i got, the more i realized if i had a job and been as sick as i have been, i would have had to quit. also, it allows me to take care of myself so that i can be better for those who depend on me. kind of like the 'put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help anybody else' thing you hear on airplanes. i also mind the grandbabies so my kids can work... stay at home me-ma

[kareng]

OK, everyone. I finally got my furniture today! My next job is to get us all ready and on the plane Friday to LA. While making sure the youngest gets to his summer camp job and the older gets to the football practices. I think I will tell people I take on different projects or something like that.

[GlutenFreeManna]

OK, everyone. I finally got my furniture today! My next job is to get us all ready and on the plane Friday to LA. While making sure the youngest gets to his summer camp job and the older gets to the football practices. I think I will tell people I take on different projects or something like that.

Sounds like you are a travel agent to me. Or are you a taxi service?

[love2travel]

Going through old threads today and happened upon this one. I am in this position - no children and a SAHW by choice. I do teach cooking classes when I can but that is not a frequent thing due to pain. When people brag about how much they do and their identities are so wrapped up around their activities I turn it around and say, "Wow. I am SO glad that I can be free to do what I want when I want." I have also said, "I am a woman of leisure" a few times. Sure, I have had a few surly and disarmed looks...but it would take about 13 hours to describe my life otherwise and I choose not to make my identity about pain and health issues.

However, even if I did want to work I could not due to debilitating chronic pain that I pray subsides someday. I can always hope!

[GlutenFreeManna]

Going through old threads today and happened upon this one. I am in this position - no children and a SAHW by choice. I do teach cooking classes when I can but that is not a frequent thing due to pain. When people brag about how much they do and their identities are so wrapped up around their activities I turn it around and say, "Wow. I am SO glad that I can be free to do what I want when I want." I have also said, "I am a woman of leisure" a few times. Sure, I have had a few surly and disarmed looks...but it would take about 13 hours to describe my life otherwise and I choose not to make my identity about pain and health issues.

However, even if I did want to work I could not due to debilitating chronic pain that I pray subsides someday. I can always hope!

Thanks for bumping up my old thread and sharing your experiences too! I wrote this thread just 6 months after going gluten-free. I have gotten so much better healthwise since then (18+ months gluten-free/SF/DF) but my employment/school situation has not changed. I still get these questions but I try not to let them bother me. Since writing this I met another woman my age that has many health issues as well and stays home. We've become good friends and that has really helped. Just this past Sunday someone asked me "So what to you DO all day?" I just said, "I'm sort of in transition/trying to figure it all out" and then I shrugged. The person asking is a SAHM and was actually pretty gracious in her response after that. I think she realized that she had been asked that before and back-tracked because she realized the question can come across as rude instead of curious or conversation starting.

[Jestgar]

"So what to you DO all day?"

As someone that works multiple days a week, I imagine that your "all day" is vastly different from mine, which consists of trying to catch up on chores while recover energy from working all week. Your "all day" seems like it would be one of feeling rested and not trying to cram as much housekeeping in as possible. I imagine you planning things, actually having options for dinner or free time, choosing a convenient day to work outside, storing your clothes in a closet instead of piled on the chair, under the cat, and still having the energy to read something for pleasure before you go to bed.

If people are asking what you do, I think they're really asking "Why aren't I doing that?"

[love2travel]

If people are asking what you do, I think they're really asking "Why aren't I doing that?"

EXACTLY!

[love2travel]

Thanks for bumping up my old thread and sharing your experiences too! I wrote this thread just 6 months after going gluten-free. I have gotten so much better healthwise since then (18+ months gluten-free/SF/DF) but my employment/school situation has not changed. I still get these questions but I try not to let them bother me. Since writing this I met another woman my age that has many health issues as well and stays home. We've become good friends and that has really helped. Just this past Sunday someone asked me "So what to you DO all day?" I just said, "I'm sort of in transition/trying to figure it all out" and then I shrugged. The person asking is a SAHM and was actually pretty gracious in her response after that. I think she realized that she had been asked that before and back-tracked because she realized the question can come across as rude instead of curious or conversation starting.

GFM, it was so interesting to read your comments historically speaking and to see the changes in your life! How awesome. It certainly is a good reminder for all of us.

I frequently get asked, "Do you have kids?" which is natural but sometimes, "Why not?" is added in a horrified way, as though I cannot possibly be gratified or happy in my life without. I do not want to explain that I have had miscarriages and have suffered many years of mental anguish not being able to have children (now I link it to celiac but was unaware of that at the time). In retrospect in ways it is good that I did not have children then because I would have had to hire a nanny or someone to take care of the kids full time (cannot lift, bend, etc.). Thankfully I have tons of wee nieces and nephews to spoil!

[oceangirl]

First, I'd reiterate what Patti said re: it's no one's business what you "do"!, and then I'd say, "tell the truth"- It's the easiest thing to remember! I've had a million lives, one of which was a "stay-at-home Mom" to two now grown children, but, before that, I was and still am a working actor who gets paid well when I work and not when I don't, a waitress, a lobster sternwoman, a fish trucker for my lobsterman husband an NBC news cameraman... blah, blah, blah...

Now I'm an actor and full-time special education teacher for kids with emotional disabilities but I think we live in an adolescent culture where the idea of "success' and "well-being" is so narrow it's amazing any of us can breathe here! Why are we defined by work only? Just be your true self, talk of things that are important to you and ask questions of others. If people aren't interested or judge you by your life choices (unless you're a serial killer...) then, let them move on! Frankly, what people do for a living is an interesting topic of conversation but it is only the tip of the iceberg, if that, into a person's soul.

Maybe next time someone says something inane to you regarding your "work status" you could suggest reading J. Krishnamurti, Henry David Thoreau or the collected works of William Shakespeare and I suspect that would give them pause for just a bit anyway... at least while they study their iphone for awhile... (don't get me started on that...)

Yes, just be your true self-we need so much more of this. "To thine own self be true" Polonius, Hamlet

lisa

[Takala]

I tell them how many pets we have and roughly what size property we are taking care of, plus I do a certain sort of volunteer work, and that usually shushes them. If I were "healthy" and working for pay, I would still have a large time conflict problem as my husband, the healthy breadwinner with the ability to keep insurance, needs to have flexibility to travel and someone needs to be here taking care of things when he does.

I have to put so much psychic energy sometimes into going into public and appearing normal, most times people have no idea. And now we can actually do things together on the weekend sometimes, but it may take me a day or two to recover.

I'm getting old enough now that it's not that automatic a question anymore, and there is a surprising number of people with out kids. This sort of question was a lot stickier 10 - 20 -30 years ago with the suspicious or snotty attitudes displayed by the "Super Multi- Tasker" urban or suburban set. Honestly, if people actually wanted women in my age demographic to have had kids, they would have made it easier by creating a better support system back in the 1980's. Healthy people might have the energy to work full time and be good parents, but I knew I'd be screwed if I accidentally ended up a single parent - I had friends who this happened to, and I didn't want the risk. We still don't have universal healthcare insurance coverage in this country. What if my kid had health problems? There was the problem of where you bought a house, (or found a rental) which was really expensive on the mortgage rates, plus heating costs were really high, and could you find decent public schooling, was the commute to work possible, was there daycare, and by the time you got done paying for car, gas, insurance, clothes, daycare, was there going to be anything left over to take home. And the numbers just didn't pan out, I really questioned why I would be spending such a large amount of time working for a company that was going to get rich, but I was going to get totally frazzled on this 'trying to keep up' routine.

I know my working spouse didn't really need another working exhausted irritable person to deal with.

[mushroom]

As someone who's done both, once with a mostly absent hub, a two-hour daily commute, an acre of land, and four pets (including a dog to walk), and now retired with only one pet and a 1/4 acre (with help) and time to plan days and meals and hey, other activities, I'll take the latter any time. And no apologies to anyone.

[GlutenFreeManna]

As someone that works multiple days a week, I imagine that your "all day" is vastly different from mine, which consists of trying to catch up on chores while recover energy from working all week. Your "all day" seems like it would be one of feeling rested and not trying to cram as much housekeeping in as possible. I imagine you planning things, actually having options for dinner or free time, choosing a convenient day to work outside, storing your clothes in a closet instead of piled on the chair, under the cat, and still having the energy to read something for pleasure before you go to bed.

If people are asking what you do, I think they're really asking "Why aren't I doing that?"

You're only half right. I currently have a pile of clean clothes on my dresser that has been there since monday waiting to get put away. I guess I don't have the excuse of having to go to work everyday and they could be put away now, but my days are not all leisurely. I also still have not recovered my memory well enough to read for pleasure. I can read for about 15 minutes (which IS a huge improvement from a year ago) and then my mind is very, very tired. By contrast, during my employment days (before getting really sick) I worked 2 to 3 part time jobs while going to grad school and pretty much had to entire read books every night. In those days the laundry was always put aways and the dishes were always done because I was a highly nervous, obsessive compulsive personality and never slept until those things were done. Now off gluten it's like I'm a different personality. I still keep the house pretty clean but I don't freak out if it's a little messy or things don't get done. You're right that my days are flexible and I could totally have put away laundry everyday if I wanted. But it's just not top on my priority list. I have found other things to fill my time this week. I was busy this week fixing a stopped up toilet (two days in row using a closet augur and two different plungers and it's fixed--my next step was going to be to take the toilet off), the blower switch for the AC on my car (got the right part after a lot of run around at the dealer trying to convince me to pay them the big bucks to do it for me), and planting flowers in front of my new house (and subsequently meeting some new neighbours that have a teenager moving out to go to college).

Each of these things are simple things that I realize are "luxury" for me to be able to spend the time doing (most working people would have to wait until the weekend, call a plummer, take the car into the shop and hope not to get ripped off and probably wouldn't get around to meeting the neighbors or planting flowers at all) But they are also monumental achievements for me. 18 months ago I didn't have the strength to lift a plunger let alone use a closet augur on a toilet. 18 months ago I would not have been able to READ the instructions for changing out the blower switch in the Haynes manual for my car (which is not that hard of a fix). I would have had to wait until my husband could do it on the weekend or pay for someone to do it. And 18 months ago I SURE would not have been outside working in the dirt and talking to new neighbors (I was afraid of dirt, bugs and talking to people/being in public). I still get exausted very easily and struggle with asthma sometimes. Being outside yesterday set off a bad asthma attack and I still feel it in my lungs today. So today I'm spending inside resting and doign light housework like putting away the laundry. My thyroid is borderline hypo and it seems to be making me tired after just a little bit of exertion. I will have a day or two where I do lots of activity and then a day where I crash and can't really do much at all. If I had a regular job or even a part time job outside the house I would be completely worthless when home and would probably not be a very dependable worker either. Although I did it once when in much better health, I don't know how you do it!

[GlutenFreeManna]

I know my working spouse didn't really need another working exhausted irritable person to deal with.

This sums it up for me at this point in my life. A year ago when I still sicker than I am now I desperately wanted to go back to work or school. Now I don't really want to. I might still get a part time job or start doing some additional volunteer work--and I am open to the possiblity that I may need to in the future to help us financially. But right now I like being able to be there for my husband when he come home from work and our relationship has never been stronger than it is right now. It works for us so I'm not messing with it.

[GlutenFreeManna]

GFM, it was so interesting to read your comments historically speaking and to see the changes in your life! How awesome. It certainly is a good reminder for all of us.

I frequently get asked, "Do you have kids?" which is natural but sometimes, "Why not?" is added in a horrified way, as though I cannot possibly be gratified or happy in my life without. I do not want to explain that I have had miscarriages and have suffered many years of mental anguish not being able to have children (now I link it to celiac but was unaware of that at the time). In retrospect in ways it is good that I did not have children then because I would have had to hire a nanny or someone to take care of the kids full time (cannot lift, bend, etc.). Thankfully I have tons of wee nieces and nephews to spoil!

The dreaded kid question! I haven't gotten that one in a while fortunately. They usually ask me "So, do you plan on having kids?" I respond with: "whenever God wants to give them to us we are ready." or something similar. That usually shuts them up.

I do want kids very much even though my health isn't 100% yet. I plan to start charting again this year using the methods in the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility". I did that early in my marriage and got pregnant 3 times with that method but each ended in early miscarriage. So I know I can get pregnant, I just pray that I will be able to carry to term the next time I try. I had thought I would try after just a year gluten-free but each miscarriage brought so much pain and heartbreak-- it's taken me almost 2 years to want to try again. Of course none of this can be told to people when they ask the dreaded kid question. People that ask that must have never struggled with infertility or never been the type of person that doesn't want kids (there was a time when I was still single when I thoguht I never wanted kids at all so I understand that perspective as well).

[GlutenFreeManna]

First, I'd reiterate what Patti said re: it's no one's business what you "do"!, and then I'd say, "tell the truth"- It's the easiest thing to remember! I've had a million lives, one of which was a "stay-at-home Mom" to two now grown children, but, before that, I was and still am a working actor who gets paid well when I work and not when I don't, a waitress, a lobster sternwoman, a fish trucker for my lobsterman husband an NBC news cameraman... blah, blah, blah...

Now I'm an actor and full-time special education teacher for kids with emotional disabilities but I think we live in an adolescent culture where the idea of "success' and "well-being" is so narrow it's amazing any of us can breathe here! Why are we defined by work only? Just be your true self, talk of things that are important to you and ask questions of others. If people aren't interested or judge you by your life choices (unless you're a serial killer...) then, let them move on! Frankly, what people do for a living is an interesting topic of conversation but it is only the tip of the iceberg, if that, into a person's soul.

Maybe next time someone says something inane to you regarding your "work status" you could suggest reading J. Krishnamurti, Henry David Thoreau or the collected works of William Shakespeare and I suspect that would give them pause for just a bit anyway... at least while they study their iphone for awhile... (don't get me started on that...)

Yes, just be your true self-we need so much more of this. "To thine own self be true" Polonius, Hamlet

lisa

As a theatre lover and former English buff myself I really appreciate your comments. My current artistic pursuits are painting and writing. I guess I just don't find it that interesting to talk about though. I used to be a recluse somewhat due to my social anxiety and now I am finding I want to talk to people but I don't exactly always know how! I suppose they find me to be secretive and my life mysterious. I shall try to think of it that way when they ask questions and answer with some more thought provoking responses.

[lynnelise]

Honestly I would stay at home if I could. I have a 16 year old daughter so I wouldn't really consider myself I SAHM. Sadly my husbands insurance is so expensive ($10K deductible!!!) that I have to work to keep us insured ($500 deductible). I have been sick for over 2 years (since having mono) and no one can seem to tell my why. Luckily my job is low key but I come home exhausted. Often I have to take 2-3 hour naps directly after work. I basically only do really necessary housework (cleaning bathrooms, dishes, and laundry) on weekends. All my friends go hiking, camping, to the gym, ect. on weekends. I'm just too exhausted!

I would just explain to people that right now you are able to comfortably stay home and take care of your health and you are taking advantage of the opportunity. As for the kid questions, that is just rude. I can't believe with so many stories of people struggling with infertility that people would even think that question was proper! BTW having a 16 year old people are constantly trying to encourage me to have another baby!!! I joke and say that once you deal with a teen girl you'd be crazy to start over again! Anyhow my hormone levels are all askew and I don't think I could get pregnant if I wanted to but I don't feel like getting into that discussion with coworkers!!!

[Jestgar]

I would just explain to people that right now you are able to comfortably stay home and take care of your health and you are taking advantage of the opportunity.

I dunnno, I say screw the health response. They have no right to judge your choices, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to qualify your life. You stay home because it works for you. Period.

[domesticactivist]

I'm not in your shoes, but I am in charge of my own time and I love it. I have a partner, and the kids are not with us all the time. (Son is half time with their dad, daughter is 1/4 time with their dad). I just finished school and am starting a business so I don't have a "job" and am not looking for one. Lots of people don't get that. I was also a SAHM for years, and I think some people have the same attitude about that as they do about childfree people.

When people ask what a person "does" I think they are usually just trying to make conversation and be friendly. Even if they aren't, I think the best response usually comes of assuming that's what they're doing. They are showing an interest in you.

So... what do you do with your time and your mind? Frame it in a positive way in your own mind, and that's what you tell people. What are your interests? What do you care about? Those are the directions to steer the conversation. You don't have to get too personal if you don't want to. And you can always turn the focus of the conversation back to them. Most people think of themselves as very interesting