Feeling Like An Outcast

[Iluvaceliac]

My boyfriend is a very sensitive celiac and he's lactose intolerant. We've been together for 4 years. He was self-diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. Our social life has been almost non-existent. Everything seems to revolve around food. Friends have barbecues and potlucks, invite us over for dinner or out to a restaurant. We have only found 1 restaurant nearby that has a gluten-free menu and accomodates lactose intolerant as well, but its expensive. Party's always seem to involve food. Even at church everything seems to be potlucks, catered events and going out to eat. He can't even take communion! People seem to take offense when we try to explain. Family and friends try to understand, but don't. They don't understand that 1 stray glutenated crumb or even something manufactured on contaminated equipment can make him sick for hours or days. I feel guilty about eating gluten in front of my boyfriend when he can't eat. How do other celiac+non-celiac couples deal with this type of situation?

[Jestgar]

Go and bring your own food.

[LDJofDenver]

When I'm going to something where food is involved (not a restaurant), I always make a gluten free dish to contribute and take my portion out of the dish before putting it out for the rest. If it's a restaurant, I call ahead and talk to chef or manager and discuss possibilities. They are often sympathetic and helpful (some more than others) -- there have been times when all I get is a baked potato with butter (if that's the only thing I think is safe) and a glass of wine. But I'm still out with my friends and enjoying being social. And, there have been plenty of times when I've just eaten beforehand and literally am ONLY going for the social aspects. I know it can be a challenge, just try to focus on the people factor.

[Takala]

I am sorry you are having trouble finding restaurants that can handle a gluten free menu option, but this is probably going to vary in different parts of country and the world.

My husband voluntarily went gluten free at home after seeing how sick I could get when cross contaminated, without my asking him. We cook a lot at home, probably more than regular people, which ends up being healthier and the expense is balanced out by eating out a bit less. If we do eat out, I don't care if he eats gluten or not. We always take something with us, a little thermo box packed with gluten free snacks, when we go anywhere, so we have an option non dependent on regular food. As for socializing, same thing, I just eat beforehand, take what I need to get by, and he does his thing. If I would potluck I would just cook or bake something gluten free to take, get my serving out of it first so it doesn't get contaminated, and then serve it - most of the time people will just scarf it down anyway. Funniest thing I've done was go to a big gathering one time as the only person who brought home made gluten free whole grain/nut bread in a sea of corn chips, I even labeled it, and it was demolished pretty quickly anyway. "Oh, nut bread !" whoosh!

Don't forget you can always ask people to YOUR house to socialize.

As for the communion, I would speak to your religious pastor/priest/bishop and work something out, which varies according to the traditions of the specific church. This may involve either using a gluten free substitute bread or wafer host you can make or purchase, or just using wine or grape juice handled in a way that it does not get cross contaminated.

[mushroom]

Going gluten free is hard in the sense that it makes one somewhat obsessive about food, and you are correct that most social situations seem to involve food in some form or other. Gluten intolerants and celiacs become very resourceful at food transportation. In fact, we should probably start a business marketing means of carrying food (sometimes surreptitiously) . We have to have food in our vehicles for times when we are trapped and unable to find places to eat (note: chocolate is not good for this), we have to find ways to get food on planes and to vacation spots, we have to learn to take foods to social gatherings, preferably food similar to what is being served in some instances, or food that is so outstanding that people will exclaim over it and praise it. We have to learn the menus of every restaurant within a 20-mile radius, and how to find out what all the others serve as well, we have to share experiences and recommendations of others, we have to put our foot down and politely refuse proffered offerings that we either know are not safe or we doubt their safety, we have to learn whose food we can trust and whose we can't, but mostly we have to prepare LOTS of food because if we want to eat more than one dish at a potluck we have to prepare more than one dish.

You can help your boyfriend by choosing to eat gluten free in his presence and learning to cook gluten free for him. After all, if you are intending this to be a permanent commitment, this will be your future. Do not judge gluten free food by some horrible examples of ghastly commercially prepared breads that taste like cardboard or crackers that stick to the roof of your mouth. There is a whole world of delicious gluten free food out there. If you don't cook, learn to cook. It is simply too expensive not to.

Catered events are always difficult for gluten freers, but can be handled by contacting the caterer. Oftentimes, they will be peparing gluten free food for more than just your boyfriend, so one more gluten free won't make any difference. Sometimes you will meet a hard-nose who won't accommodate you, and on those occasions it is okay to take your own. Sometimes you can take your own plate and they will warm it in the microwave for you. Most places you go out to eat you can find something on the menu that can be prepared in a gluten free manner, and yes, sometimes you do even have to tell them how to do it, but the more people we educate the easier everyone else's life becomes.

[T.H.]

If a restaurant can't accommodate all your boyfriend's food issues, they will often be fine if you call them ahead of time and explain that your group would like to eat at their establishment but that one person in the party has severe physical reactions to numerous foods and so would have to bring his own food. Ask if that would be acceptable. They usually would rather have the patronage of all your friends, even if one person can't have their food.

I'd do the same for all the other areas - just have him bring his own food. There may be food at many events, but food isn't the REASON people are getting together, it's just part of the celebration. He can just focus more on the other aspects of it.

For those who can't understand, or feel offended, I just try to say that there are so many restrictions on the cooking and care of my food that I don't like to force others to have to make that much effort.

Bento boxes ended up being my choice for transporting food to food related events. It's small, compact, attractive, and I don't have to transfer the food to a plate - it's the container and plate all in one.

As for feeling guilty - has he mentioned anything? Because if not, honestly, a lot of us don't care. We might miss the convenience, or a particular food, but when eating a food makes you so ill...there is NO desire to eat that again. Uh uh.

[domesticactivist]

We have decided to make our house gluten-free. We pack our own food everywhere. For my son when we go to a potluck I make him a very generous plate of uncontaminated food we brought to share before anyone else is served.

[Judy3]

My boyfriend is a very sensitive celiac and he's lactose intolerant. We've been together for 4 years. He was self-diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago. Our social life has been almost non-existent. Everything seems to revolve around food. Friends have barbecues and potlucks, invite us over for dinner or out to a restaurant. We have only found 1 restaurant nearby that has a gluten-free menu and accomodates lactose intolerant as well, but its expensive. Party's always seem to involve food. Even at church everything seems to be potlucks, catered events and going out to eat. He can't even take communion! People seem to take offense when we try to explain. Family and friends try to understand, but don't. They don't understand that 1 stray glutenated crumb or even something manufactured on contaminated equipment can make him sick for hours or days. I feel guilty about eating gluten in front of my boyfriend when he can't eat. How do other celiac+non-celiac couples deal with this type of situation?

In the course of 2 months on the gluten free diet, I have found who my true friends are and who didn't really care and were in it for other reasons. Those that truly care about me are quick to learn about this and accomodate me even if it means I bring my own food. Those that said 'Oh that gluten thing again' are no longer in my life and I don't miss them. I agree with many of the posters here.. Call a restaurant ahead and learn to cook!! A steak and a salad are pretty good eats when out with friends and then I can be out with them and enjoy their company.

[Iluvaceliac]

Thank you for your insight. We have found another restaurant within 60 miles that has a gluten-free menu and accomodates lactose intolerance; and we will continue to search.

I do cook gluten free most of the time, but have a 17 year old and 7 year old that both eat gluten. I am seriously considering a totally gluten-free household.

The hardest part has been the offense that people take when my boyfriend says he can't eat their food. They insist there's nothing wrong with their food and that the meat, veggies and fruit (however prepared) are safe to eat. We can't seem to get them to understand about cross-contamination - that one little molecule of gluten makes my boyfriend sick for hours.

Its been quite a lifestyle change, but my boyfriend is worth it.

In the course of 2 months on the gluten free diet, I have found who my true friends are and who didn't really care and were in it for other reasons. Those that truly care about me are quick to learn about this and accomodate me even if it means I bring my own food. Those that said 'Oh that gluten thing again' are no longer in my life and I don't miss them. I agree with many of the posters here.. Call a restaurant ahead and learn to cook!! A steak and a salad are pretty good eats when out with friends and then I can be out with them and enjoy their company.

[Dixiebell]

I have read that people have described gluten CC to others to be like 'rat poison' or 'broken glass' and ask if they would eat something with either of those in their food.

[SGWhiskers]

I always try to warn people ahead of time that I won't be eating their food, so there is no need for them to try to accomodate me. I've run into the situation where someone cooks something I should be able to eat, but I refuse because of cc risks and we both end up feeling upset. I'm sensitive enough that I don't trust anyone but my husband, mom and occassional GIG restaraunt to cook for me. If someone tries to share their food that seems like it would be OK, I tell them how good it looks and that while it probably is safe, I'm so sensitive it isn't worth the risk.

I really feel supported and safer when my husband eats gluten free in the house with me. I feel like I don't need to be as paranoid about everything I touch when I know there are not bread crumbs and cereal bits sticking to my silverware in the dishwasher. When we are out though, I encourage him to eat gluten and since it's been 2.5 years since my diagnosis, I'm pretty much over the drooling over his food stage. He is always supportive of making sure I have food available before he finds gluten food for himself. For example, the other day, we ran short of time to go to our favorite gluten-free restaraunt. He knew he could get fast food, but we stopped at walgreens for me to run in and get some gluten-free snacks and drinks to tide me over until we could get home for dinner. Then he went to Subway.

Our social life is definately different than before going gluten-free. While it is awkward at times, it is better because I don't have to make up a lame excuse for canceling plans because I don't feel good for some unknown reason. Now I take food with me and am confident when I whip out my bowl of chili.

I would also look into contacting a local mom and pop restaraunt and working with them to educate a few staff members about gluten free cooking/serving and try to make that a regular place to go. A clean pan, clean utensils, an educated cook, manager, and waitress are all you need to have a safe meal. You could always call ahead to see if your favorite cook is working that night. Eating out before the dinner rush also helps immensely.

[msmini14]

I always bring my own food with me and most people say that my food looks better than what they are eating. Or I get the glare from some people, like their food isnt good enough.

I understand the social frustration, when I first went gluten-free I didnt go to any function that had food involved, was to hard for me. Now it isnt a problem.

Best thing to do it get out there, take your own food and enjoy your time out. Get used to doing this, it will seem like second nature soon.

If I cant microwave something bring a salad. That is my go to if I know I dont have a microwave. I put everything on it; eggs, bacon, cheese, bell peppers, onion, tomato, cucumbers, chopped walnuts.

And dont be afraid to talk about Celiac, people need to be informed so they can understand the issue. Some people will not want to hear you and they will never understand so be prepared.

Good luck to you, hope you can get out soon and enjoy your time out =)

[ElseB]

My struggle is people who try to take it upon themselves to advocate on my behalf when (a) they don't have a clue what they're talking about and ( I"m very capable of doing it myself! My boss at work is a prime example. Last year's Christmas party took place at a restaurant that could not safely feed me. I had several conversations with the restaurant in the months leading up to the party and concluded that they wouldn't be able to make anything satisfactorily gluten free. A week before the party I happened to mention this in passing to my boss. Well, he was furious about the situation and said that he was going to talk to the party organizers and demand that they arrange for gluten free food for me. I had to literally beg and plead with him not to get involved, explaining that I was really much more comfortable bringing my own food or just enjoying the conversation while everyone else ate. This was much more comfortable than eating questionable food and being paranoid about getting sick from it. He eventually settled down. Until the next work party......

[Takala]

salad... I put everything on it; eggs, bacon, cheese, bell peppers, onion, tomato, cucumbers, chopped walnuts.

Now that sounds good !

[CarolinaKip]

I have read that people have described gluten CC to others to be like 'rat poison' or 'broken glass' and ask if they would eat something with either of those in their food.

The best way I've heard it explained here is.... If you had a salad with "poop.. a turd" on it and they just removed it..would you still want to eat it? NO! High five to the poster who said tht!