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A Summary Of 2011 (Funny)

IrishHeart

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IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted

A friend sent this to me...thought you guys would enjoy it. :lol:

As we approach the end of the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Timmies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

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GFreeMO Proficient
GFreeMO
Posted

HA HA! Thanks for the laugh Irish! That was hilarious. :lol:

bartfull Rising Star
bartfull
Posted

Oooohhhh nnnooooo! :unsure: Now I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight! :lol:

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

:blink:

I'm staying in my house and hiding. Except there was that email about the blue ice from airplanes' toilets falling thru roofs & killing people!

ciamarie Rookie
ciamarie
Posted

Wow, thanks for sharing that. I learned a few things! :lol:

actually, lol -it was very funny.

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

:blink:

I'm staying in my house and hiding. Except there was that email about the blue ice from airplanes' toilets falling thru roofs & killing people!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted

This is just too funny. Off to email this to a freind... Mawwwhaaaahaaa

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elye Community Regular
elye
Posted

Oh, great.. . . .the Violin Spider.. . ..:unsure:... . . ....hadn't heard about HIM before.....

:lol:

Bubba's Mom Enthusiast
Bubba's Mom
Posted

LOL..thanks for the chuckle. I needed that today. :D

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted
  • Author

Oh, great.. . . .the Violin Spider.. . ..:unsure:... . . ....hadn't heard about HIM before.....

:lol:

me, neither....does anyone know about this guy??

bartfull Rising Star
bartfull
Posted

Hmm...well I know that brown recluse spiders are sometimes called fiddleback spiders. They are very nasty critters. I also know that in the old days, some people would put rattlesnake rattles inside their violins on the theory that it would keep spiders away. (I don't think it worked very well though.)

Di2011 Enthusiast
Di2011
Posted

Here in Australia it is just presumed anything snake, spider, bug like is poisonous and deadly :unsure:

My mums green house had an unidentified "something" which took weeks to identify. very strangely and unexpectably it was a turtle. After 10 years of drought it was a stange surprise. This very old turtle was returned to its likely home (big lake/dam nearby) and hope it will be an old sole for other turtles in the neighbourhood.

Booghead Contributor
Booghead
Posted

Funny :D

Also to Diandliam: This is the very reason I tell people I never want to go to australia.

They ask me if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? I either say "Russia because its too cold for anything scary to live there, other then communists." Or "Anywhere but australia because they have poisonious air."

I'm pretty sure kangaroos are poisonious too. LOL

bigbird16 Apprentice
bigbird16
Posted
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, Irish!

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