Why Are Friends, Family And Others So Uncomfortable W/gluten Restriction?

[Sarah8793]

I have been gluten free for almost 2 months. My husband totally supports me and never acts strange about my dietary (milk and gluten) restrictions. BUT, my good friend (who is a dietician no less) acts uncomfortable when the topic comes up. While visiting with her recently at her home she said, "I should probably offer you a snack," (which is strange because she never has before even when I still ate gluten), and then she said, "Do you want a rice cake? or peanuts? and then she kind of half giggled like she was at a total loss of what to offer me. I don't know why but the whole thing irritated me. I explained that I was fine and that I had eaten before coming over. My mother thinks it is odd also and is in denial that she might need to do some research into whether she has intolerances. She usually asks me how I handle it in get toghethers and empathizes with "how difficult" it must be. This irritates me also. Is it me?? I don't know how to deal with get togethers at others yet. I am mortified at having to grill them on what and how they cooked or offend by not eating. I just don't see why other people should feel funny towards someone with a diet restriction. Even before going gluten free, when I had kids come over to play with my kids, there was sometimes a child allergic to milk. I made efforts to provide him with a snack that was okay, and then my children had the same snack. I never made a deal out of it for his sake. Just needed to vent. Thanks!

Sarah

[Nancym]

I think the difficulty family and friends have is one of disbelief. Either they think it is a faddish diagnosis or else they've never heard of it. I tried to clue in my family and quickly gave up. I decided best thing to do is bring my own food to gatherings.

Get used to it. People can be really irritating when it comes to this.

[tarnalberry]

So here's a question - why should someone be offended when you don't eat their food that will make you sick? Shouldn't you be offended that you are being expected to injure yourself?

I think people are uncomfortable because they are ignorant. And things people don't know scare them. Even your dietician friend doesn't know how to live with celiac disease. And they don't know how to address you because of it. Like when a friend looses a pet - it's an uncomfortable situation and you don't know what to say, but with food, they don't think it's terribly serious, so they act silly or stupid.

[CarlaB]

I have spent so many years trying to figure out what's making me sick and avoiding this food or that food in an attempt to figure it all out, they all just think it's my latest trend. No one takes me seriously, but if they challenge me, my kids will jump down their throats as they are the ones who suffer the most when I'm sick (besides me, of course!). Now one of my daughter's tested positive for it and I've been accused of her following my diet because she's trying to imitate me, which is ludicrous.

I think it's that others don't see us when we're in the bathroom or laying in bed, but when they do see us we look healthy, so they don't understand how sick we are. I can see how we look like a bunch of lunatics since we're so fanatical about this ... but that's how we need to be to stay healthy!

[skbird]

I have a former-"best" friend who is vegetarian and I always accomodated that (she's no health nut - in fact she drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney and cusses like a sailor - you can see why we were friends!) Anyway, after my diagnosis, she would come over (or have me over) have a couple of beers and tell me that she was going to distract me, give me some beer and keep me busy so I wouldn't have time to "feel bad" from consuming something that makes me ill. This same friend who I would get indignant for if someone slipped chicken or beef broth into her food. This same friend I would stand up for and make special veggie items every time she came over. She thought I had an eating disorder (her words) and was making this all up. Well, we drifted apart because she couldn't understand my health issues (oh yeah, I also understood her hypothyroid stuff and obsession with weight changes because of that! not and eating disorder, though!) and because I had stopped drinking (odd gluten-free thing, just can't drink any alcohol anymore). I guess I just wasn't any fun anymore. I still can cuss like a sailor, but I guess that wasn't enough.

Anyway, it's tough, and at times I have gotten so frustrated by how awkward things get with friends/relations, but now that I feel confident about my diet and my health, I think that translates across and my friends/relations no longer seem to think it's weird I eat this way.

It'll happen. Just wait until they all see how much better you are doing!

Stephanie

[Green12]

I think it's that others don't see us when we're in the bathroom or laying in bed, but when they do see us we look healthy, so they don't understand how sick we are. I can see how we look like a bunch of lunatics since we're so fanatical about this ... but that's how we need to be to stay healthy!

This is so true. We may look fine/healthy to them but they have no idea what we have been through/are going through. I agree that most people think of it as a fad, or being picky about food, or even having an eating disorder and being a control freak about every last thing that goes into our mouths.

[par18]

I think the difficulty family and friends have is one of disbelief. Either they think it is a faddish diagnosis or else they've never heard of it. I tried to clue in my family and quickly gave up. I decided best thing to do is bring my own food to gatherings.

Get used to it. People can be really irritating when it comes to this.

I think there is a lot of truth to what you have said. Let me add I think most people I talk to that don't seem interested probably have their own little list of symptoms and won't accept that a change in their diet might help. They keep taking the prescription medication or the over the counter items like Tums, Pepcid, or the like and continue to shove the offending food agents down their mouth at mealtime. They refuse to believe that things like the almighty whole grain wheat could possibily be a problem. I went from being irritated in the beginning to chuckling inside now when it happens. I still find it hard to believe that my good health now was the result of the gluten-free diet. It was like magic that it corrected itself so quickly.

Tom

[Nevadan]

What I've observed indicates to me that one of the primary causes of friends' reactions is that they are consciously, or uncounsciously, envious that someone will/can actually take responsibility and control of their health issues without taking a pill. I've actually had one good friend with tons of gluten sensitivity symptoms try gluten-free for a few days and say they felt world's better; however, that effort ended there and they said they "couldn't" justify such a diet because it interferred too much with their enjoyment of life. Now this person rarely misses an opportunity when we are together to make some disparaging remark about my eating choices; needless to say we aren't together too often any more. For some reason many people are just unwilling to take responsibility for their own health, and they feel guilty. I think they are the ones who are really missing out.

Hey, a gluten-free (and CF as well for me) diet is a healthy one! Try not to get distracted by others' reactions to your choices.

[tiffjake]

I think there is a lot of truth to what you have said. Let me add I think most people I talk to that don't seem interested probably have their own little list of symptoms and won't accept that a change in their diet might help. They keep taking the prescription medication or the over the counter items like Tums, Pepcid, or the like and continue to shove the offending food agents down their mouth at mealtime. They refuse to believe that things like the almighty whole grain wheat could possibily be a problem. I went from being irritated in the beginning to chuckling inside now when it happens. I still find it hard to believe that my good health now was the result of the gluten-free diet. It was like magic that it corrected itself so quickly.

Tom

I totally agree (about kinda laughing at people now) because I feel like I am "in the know" and they just don't get it. I have seen how food changes me (in MANY ways) and they don't. I have gotten weirdness from all kinds of family and friends. Even the person that I consider my BEST girlfriend gets a little weird sometimes. She is a nurse, and is all about health and looking at the big picture, and then she will say something like "is it ok if I eat this (bread-like-thing) infront of you?" and I say "sure! I don't care! I just won't be sharing it with you!" and it is a little odd for a minute. She feels like I am missing out. I feel like I am taking control of my health (like Tarnalberry talks about-personal control-not "diet restrictions").

My husband is great too, but even he feels bad when we go out and he eats something infront of me that I can't eat. I think that will be a fact of life with many people that care about me. And like someone else said, others will think you are doing it for attention or that it is a new fad. Just ignore them. In my life, those are the people who are VERY UNHEALTHY and could use a little "doing it for attention" or a "fad" to get them eating better!!!! I think they feel bad because they see you taking control and you are holding them accountable (through your actions) to THEIR choices!

Ok, this turned out much longer than I planned. To answer your main question, a lot of people will be uncomfortable, and you just have to be stronger than them at that moment, and take control of the situation/conversation. See them for what they are, ignorant of what you are going through. Kind, but ignorant (which is different from stupid. You can teach ignorant people, if they want to learn!)

[Sarah8793]

I decided best thing to do is bring my own food to gatherings.

I hadn't thougt of this. But I could do this and that would save a lot of discussion. Thanks!

Sarah

So here's a question - why should someone be offended when you don't eat their food that will make you sick? Shouldn't you be offended that you are being expected to injure yourself?

Tiffany,

You are absolutely right. I really need to square up with myself on this issue and then I'll probably feel better. Thanks,

Sarah

I have spent so many years trying to figure out what's making me sick and avoiding this food or that food in an attempt to figure it all out, they all just think it's my latest trend. No one takes me seriously, but if they challenge me, my kids will jump down their throats as they are the ones who suffer the most when I'm sick (besides me, of course!). Now one of my daughter's tested positive for it and I've been accused of her following my diet because she's trying to imitate me, which is ludicrous.

I think it's that others don't see us when we're in the bathroom or laying in bed, but when they do see us we look healthy, so they don't understand how sick we are. I can see how we look like a bunch of lunatics since we're so fanatical about this ... but that's how we need to be to stay healthy!

I can totally totally relate to this! This is exactly how I am seen. And if and when my kids have to change their diet it is going to get worse here too. I have a knack for looking pretty healthy even when I feel awful. Sometimes I have to actually act like I feel worse than I do just to get taken seriously! Thanks for sharing.

Sarah

This same friend I would stand up for and make special veggie items every time she came over. She thought I had an eating disorder (her words) and was making this all up. Well, we drifted apart because she couldn't understand my health issues (oh yeah, I also understood her hypothyroid stuff and obsession with weight changes because of that! not and eating disorder, though!) and because I had stopped drinking (odd gluten-free thing, just can't drink any alcohol anymore). I guess I just wasn't any fun anymore.

Thanks for sharing this with me. I have noticed that a lot of my friendships have been dependent on certain circumstances, and when they change, so ends the friendship. I know there are exceptions out there but they are hard to find.

Sarah

[Sarah8793]

Nevadan and Par18,

After reading your posts, a light went on. I started thinking about my friend and remembered that she is on proton pump inhibitors for acid reflux (she blames a hiatal hernia) and is lactose intolerant, and takes a host of other medications for a variety of problems. I see clearly now why she might have some envy that I am not willing to pop pills constantly to keep from feeling bad. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it has really helped me to look outside of myself.

Sarah

I totally agree (about kinda laughing at people now) because I feel like I am "in the know" and they just don't get it. I have seen how food changes me (in MANY ways) and they don't. I have gotten weirdness from all kinds of family and friends. Even the person that I consider my BEST girlfriend gets a little weird sometimes. She is a nurse, and is all about health and looking at the big picture, and then she will say something like "is it ok if I eat this (bread-like-thing) infront of you?" and I say "sure! I don't care! I just won't be sharing it with you!" and it is a little odd for a minute. She feels like I am missing out. I feel like I am taking control of my health (like Tarnalberry talks about-personal control-not "diet restrictions").

My husband is great too, but even he feels bad when we go out and he eats something infront of me that I can't eat. I think that will be a fact of life with many people that care about me. And like someone else said, others will think you are doing it for attention or that it is a new fad. Just ignore them. In my life, those are the people who are VERY UNHEALTHY and could use a little "doing it for attention" or a "fad" to get them eating better!!!! I think they feel bad because they see you taking control and you are holding them accountable (through your actions) to THEIR choices!

Ok, this turned out much longer than I planned. To answer your main question, a lot of people will be uncomfortable, and you just have to be stronger than them at that moment, and take control of the situation/conversation. See them for what they are, ignorant of what you are going through. Kind, but ignorant (which is different from stupid. You can teach ignorant people, if they want to learn!)

I don't feel so alone now. This board is sooo great! Thank you for sharing with me.

Sarah

[gfp]

What I've observed indicates to me that one of the primary causes of friends' reactions is that they are consciously, or uncounsciously, envious that someone will/can actually take responsibility and control of their health issues without taking a pill.

That sums it up pretty well

I think there are lots of reasons, those who knew you when you were hiding some of the symptoms don't really realise that you were ill and running to the loo. They expect you eat it and you are ill straight away but they remember you eating a pizza with a beer and think that you are making a fuss?

Another common thread I observe is just culturally they can't believe you are allergic to wheat... if it was something not so common they would beleive but because of the cultural significance of wheat they just don't.

Some people are also quite nice so long as they are the centre of attention.

Sometimes I have to actually act like I feel worse than I do just to get taken seriously!

yes this does take some getting used to....

I spent most of my youth doing contact sports and (with the benefit of hindsight) broke a lot of bones ... but many times the Dr's would say "oh it would hurt much more if you had broken it"

One of the worst was my ankle and for some reason I never really bruise or swell up much and I hobbled to the emergency ward and got sent away without an X-Ray .. went back 2 weeks later and same thing until 3rd time I lucked out and had a specialist doing a stint on casualty. Took him about 30 secs to decide I had broken 3 bones in my ankle and sent me for a scan to check ligaments and found I snapped two of those too.

Unfortunately 6 weeks hobbling about on it still broken has made a huge mess ... the ligament is twisted round the bone and if I wear skiboots or rollerblades I have to put in padding because the lump leaves a gap above (a bit hard to explain but I have some plastic inserts) ...

I guess my pain threshold is pretty high having spent most of my youth doing this and paying my way through uni doing semi-pro boxing and kick boxing .... so now as soon as they touch instead of being brave and thinking they need to feel the bone I jump out of my seat. result - straight to xray and find out of its broken or not...

[Nancym]

I think there is a lot of truth to what you have said. Let me add I think most people I talk to that don't seem interested probably have their own little list of symptoms and won't accept that a change in their diet might help. They keep taking the prescription medication or the over the counter items like Tums, Pepcid, or the like and continue to shove the offending food agents down their mouth at mealtime. They refuse to believe that things like the almighty whole grain wheat could possibily be a problem. I went from being irritated in the beginning to chuckling inside now when it happens. I still find it hard to believe that my good health now was the result of the gluten-free diet. It was like magic that it corrected itself so quickly.

Tom

This is exactly right. It is my sister's issue for sure. She's got a ton of symptoms but she just isn't interested in changing her diet or lifestyle. Apparently changing your diet is extremely intimidating for a lot of people. They'd rather face cancer or some horrible disease than learn how to eat differently.

But... look at all the diabetics, and pre-diabetics, who won't make changes to their diet. It really is kind of shocking that people will charge down a path in life and suffer the consequences because they're too unmotivated to make any changes. It makes me wonder about the future of our species. We'd rather keep our heads in the sand and rely on feeble excuses on why we shouldn't have to change rather than make some changes which might be slightly uncomfortable for awhile. But that's a whole 'nother topic!

[CarlaB]

I still find it hard to believe that my good health now was the result of the gluten-free diet. It was like magic that it corrected itself so quickly.

Tom

This is so true! This diet is challenging, but all things considered, it's so easy to be healthy! Who would have ever thought that all the stuff I thought was good for me was making me sick!? I find it strange that I feel better just by eliminating gluten and dairy, so why should I expect others to believe it? Now that you put it that way, no wonder people think we're crazy!

"is it ok if I eat this (bread-like-thing) infront of you?" and I say "sure! I don't care! I just won't be sharing it with you!"

Our neighbor is an alcoholic (doesn't drink at all). We live in a central business district of a small town, so his house is practically in our yard ... (his pizzas often come to our house ). Anyway, he mentioned that he was coming home with two pizzas the other night and was glad I wasn't sitting outside. I told him, "Just because I can't have it, doesn't mean you can't ... it doesn't bother me a bit." He said he feels the same way about alcohol. Just the night before he sat outside with us while dh and I were enjoying margaritas. I bet many alcoholics get the same kind of awkward reactions we do.

[eKatherine]

This is exactly right. It is my sister's issue for sure. She's got a ton of symptoms but she just isn't interested in changing her diet or lifestyle. Apparently changing your diet is extremely intimidating for a lot of people. They'd rather face cancer or some horrible disease than learn how to eat differently.

But... look at all the diabetics, and pre-diabetics, who won't make changes to their diet. It really is kind of shocking that people will charge down a path in life and suffer the consequences because they're too unmotivated to make any changes. It makes me wonder about the future of our species. We'd rather keep our heads in the sand and rely on feeble excuses on why we shouldn't have to change rather than make some changes which might be slightly uncomfortable for awhile. But that's a whole 'nother topic!

Or like the woman I know who told me that she would wait until she was diagnosed with osteoporosis, like her mother, and then she would get a prescription for it.

[sparkles]

Sometimes I think family and friends like to challenge our determination to stick with a gluten-free diet. The other day we were invited to a family BBQ and I offered to bring my own food because that way I know that it is gluten-free not just what someone envisions is gluten-free. They said no we are just having hamburgers....safe, I thought! Until I got to the house and they said, "We are so sorry but we just fixed the meat with special spices and just forgot that it might be a problem...." So there I sat watching everyone eat....the chips were generic so I don't trust them, the hamburgers were filled with lots of "iffy" stuff, the pickles and the potato salad were "unknowns". It is not like it will kill me to not eat but it got tiring explaining why I wasn't eating. It was embarrassing that the hosts of the party kept apolgizing.....and then there was the statement, "You need to eat something. I'm sure just a little bit won't hurt you." YEAH RIGHT!!!! People seem offended when I bring my own food but from now on, that is exactly what I will be doing. I guess better that they are offended then me being in the bathroom with food getting expelled from BOTH ends!!!!! Sometimes, I do think that I am being challenged to see just how much I am willing to stick to this gluten-free diet. I have a friend who says to me that it would be so much easier to just take a pill and be done with it. I think not. I am proud that I am able to be gluten-free. I am proud that at least in this area, I do have control over my life....and the will power to continue controlling my disease.

[debmidge]

People do seem miffed if you are chosing to remedy your celiac disease with diet instead of stuffing pills in your body. And I agree that to the uninitiated it is bizzaro that wheat would be a substance of illness.

I too thought a wheat allergy/intolerance was bizzaro before my husband was diagnosed; but I didn't try to get people to go off their special diets just for my self-important ego. I have friends who are vegetarians and ultra-kosher (conservative/orthodox) so I am used to people having to abstain from certain foods.

I guess when someone doesn't believe that WOBR is a source of problem they try to intice the celiac disease person to eat it as they can say to themselves "I finally got her/him to eat WOBR and I am helping them to get over their mental problem that they have with this silly intolerance that they made up." It makes them feel like they are helping you (I suppose).

By the way, I absolutely HATE cauliflower and my MIL (I feel) deliberately made it when we used to eat there (it was her only vegetable for the meal) and everytime she'd be surprised that I wouldn't take any of it. I suppose she thought it was a feather in her cap if I ate it. Now I am not cauliflower intolerant, but something so insignificant as cauliflower made her passive/aggressive to want to be able to feed it to me in victory.

[gfp]

By the way, I absolutely HATE cauliflower and my MIL (I feel) deliberately made it when we used to eat there (it was her only vegetable for the meal) and everytime she'd be surprised that I wouldn't take any of it. I suppose she thought it was a feather in her cap if I ate it. Now I am not cauliflower intolerant, but something so insignificant as cauliflower made her passive/aggressive to want to be able to feed it to me in victory.

I always make a point of eating some of something I don't like just to prove the point.

I don't think Im intolerannt to cauliflower but heck does it give me wind and a bad stomach so I relish eating some then keep passing wind and complaining of a sore tum...

When they ask .. I just say "yep but its not important .. gluten is killing me this just makes me feel s$#&y (pardon the pun) for a night... I chose to not eat cauliflower because it gives me gas and a bad tum but I don't chose not to eat gluten .. it is a medical problem and one which may well kill me if I don't follow it... so I ate the cauliflower (which you know I hate) because you made it and to be nice because I just chose not to eat it normally because it makes me feel ill and I don't particualrly like it ..."

I guess when someone doesn't believe that WOBR is a source of problem they try to intice the celiac disease person to eat it as they can say to themselves "I finally got her/him to eat WOBR and I am helping them to get over their mental problem that they have with this silly intolerance that they made up." It makes them feel like they are helping you (I suppose).

Yes in some weird perverse way... a bit like a friend who encourages you to smoke or whatever!

Those who suspect this are the most prickly.... they suspect they are burying there head in the sand but don't want to address the issue and you are forcing them to acknowledge it.

[tarnalberry]

No matter *what* someone says about bringing/not bringing food, I bring something. Maybe it's a habit that's been ingrained in me due to blood sugar issues, but it's not up to them whether or not I bring something. I'll make it small (Clif Nectar Bar or the like), but I'll bring something. As for "A little bit won't hurt you", the only response I'll give to that, if it's someone pressuring me to eat it is "Yes, it will hurt me, and No, I won't eat it. That's my decision."

[kbtoyssni]

I think people who don't have celiac look at their life as it is now and think about cutting out everything with gluten and it would be really difficult for them. They don't have any benefits to cutting out gluten, just negatives. I was so sick before, though, that I see not eating gluten as all positive - something that is hard to understand unless you've been that sick.

I feel no guilt in questioning people on ingredients or bringing my own food. It's never even crossed my mind that I should be offended. My life is all about me, and I do what's best for my body. I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of eating gluten, so it's an easy decision for me. I am lucky, though. All my family and friends have been so supportive that I haven't had to deal with people telling me to have "just a little".

[KaitiUSA]

I think people just don't knwo alot about it and so it makes them uncomfortable because they don't want to hurt anyone. I know my family used to invite me to dinners and now I only get the invitations on certain occasions because they don't want me to get sick.

[debmidge]

I used the cauliflower story to show the "passive/aggressive" ploy that can be used. Of course I've eaten the cauliflower in the beginning before I mentioned that I disliked this vegetable and she over the course of 20 years continued to make it acting surprised everytime I didn't put it on my plate. After the first several times of eating it, during our early years of marriage, I figured it wasn't necessary for me to keep saying I disliked it and putting it on my plate and playing with it (I really hate the taste of it).

Anyway, my concern is passive/aggressive people who think they are doing the celiac a favor my trying to persuade them to eat gluten.

[Sarah8793]

Sometimes I think family and friends like to challenge our determination to stick with a gluten-free diet. The other day we were invited to a family BBQ and I offered to bring my own food because that way I know that it is gluten-free not just what someone envisions is gluten-free. They said no we are just having hamburgers....safe, I thought! Until I got to the house and they said, "We are so sorry but we just fixed the meat with special spices and just forgot that it might be a problem...." So there I sat watching everyone eat....the chips were generic so I don't trust them, the hamburgers were filled with lots of "iffy" stuff, the pickles and the potato salad were "unknowns". It is not like it will kill me to not eat but it got tiring explaining why I wasn't eating. It was embarrassing that the hosts of the party kept apolgizing.....and then there was the statement, "You need to eat something. I'm sure just a little bit won't hurt you." YEAH RIGHT!!!! People seem offended when I bring my own food but from now on, that is exactly what I will be doing. I guess better that they are offended then me being in the bathroom with food getting expelled from BOTH ends!!!!! Sometimes, I do think that I am being challenged to see just how much I am willing to stick to this gluten-free diet. I have a friend who says to me that it would be so much easier to just take a pill and be done with it. I think not. I am proud that I am able to be gluten-free. I am proud that at least in this area, I do have control over my life....and the will power to continue controlling my disease.

This sounds sooo much like what I am dealing with. The same friend that I spoke of in this post has invited us over for a cook out on the 4th. They are grilling steaks which they marinate first. I offered to bring my own (marinated in my own wheat free soy sauce) for them to grill. But she said no, her husband wants to be the "provider of the steaks" so they just won't marinate mine. I don't want to eat a bland steak, but my frinedship is why I am really going, so I agreed. Then, knowing that I am lactose intolerant (and she is a *liitle* lactose intolerant) she proceeds to tell me about the dessert she is making (has lactose in it) and asks if it is okay to put parmesan cheese on the salad! I don't feel like negotiating every dish at the meal, so I will eat some before I go and pick at what I can have. UGH! It is a bummer when good friends won't make the effort to work with you and also don't want you to bring your own food.

Sarah

[Guest nini]

I would call your friend back and say that is all well and good that her husband wants to be the provider of the meat, but you should not have to be subjected to bland meat because of it, so politely thank them for wanting to provide the meat, but tell them you will be bringing your own marinated meat to grill (on foil of course) so that you know it's safe.

What I tell people in these situations is that while I appreciate the effort they are trying to make, that I feel more comfortable bringing my own food, and since it is the friendship I am coming for, they shouldn't care what I want to bring to eat. I'm going to bring my own food anyway so there is no point trying to argue with me about it. Also no point trying to debate dishes that you won't be able to eat. Bring your own dessert and even your own salad if you don't think she'll leave the cheese off... be strong about your dietary requirements. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to suffer bland food and pick at things you don't enjoy, when you can just as easily bring your own delicious food. We should not ever be subjected to bland food just because someone else wants to be a control freak about the situation!

I'm sure you can bring this up in a friendly non offensive tone to let them know, that you do appreciate that they want to provide the meal, but since they don't know all the in's and out's of your diet and you don't expect them to, you will be bringing your own food. Just because we have to eat gluten-free, doesn't mean that we have to be martyrs.

[Sarah8793]

I would call your friend back and say that is all well and good that her husband wants to be the provider of the meat, but you should not have to be subjected to bland meat because of it, so politely thank them for wanting to provide the meat, but tell them you will be bringing your own marinated meat to grill (on foil of course) so that you know it's safe.

Nini,

While I agree totally with your suggestion and feel the same way, I know (based on her relationship with her controlling husband) that if I did this it would be the end of our friendship. Yes, I know what you all are thinking when I say this. That she isn't a true friend and this is quite possible. Our children are the same ages and best friends so I am more invested in the friendship than I otherwise would be. I'm just not going to taste any of the dishes that have dairy or gluten in them and then when she acts like she didn't know they would be a problem I am just going to smile. Then for the future, I don't think we will accept invitations for cookouts at their house. Because obviously this is their cookout with food they like and we are just lucky to have been invited (being sarcastic I guess this is my initiation into the social world being gluten free. I don't even want to think about my kids having to go gluten free yet. That will be a whole new obstacle

Sarah