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In Need Of Venting!

AshBil

By AshBil
in Coping with Celiac Disease

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AshBil Rookie
AshBil
Posted

I'm just feeling really frustrated. Every Easter, my family and I all go out to a restaurant for lunch/dinner and then go back to my aunt's house to hang out and play games and stuff (yeah, we're one of those families). So sine this is my first year beign diagnosed, my mom and I have been telling my grandmother and my aunt that we really should go to a restaurant that has a separate gluten free menu. It would be the only respectful thing to do. Because what else am I supposed to do? Sit there watching everyone else eat and have me sitting there drinking a water or something, starving? So, last night, because no one can decide where to go since no one wants to go back to the place we went last year, my aunt put the decision up to my cousin. There's only a few good restaurants around here that have really good gluten-free menus that neve rhad made me sick in the past so I really trust them. We told my cousin that we should go to one one of those places and she says that they all want to go to an Italian restaurant (which none of those around here I trust) and they're not choosing a place with me in mind. My mom told her that wasn't fair to me but she still didn't care. So now my parents and I have to miss out on family time and are basically getting pushed out of celebrating Easter with our family. Our family has every holiday together. There are even Memorial day and Labor day cookouts. We even occassionally have family game nights and all go over to one of our houses to play Catchphrase. But this really hurt my feelings. Because we all know that if it were one of my three cousins who had Celiac, there would be no question as to where we were going to be going. It's not like the places I can go are dedicated gluten-free restaurants. They can get whatever they want there. My menu is completely separate. It's just diffciult to accept that my own family wont even consider me and my health. I've explained it to them enough over Thanksgiving and Christmas and even then I had to provide all my own food. I had bologna sandwiches and Udi's bread and a baggie full of tostios on Christmas, while everyone else ate Chicken Parm and baked ziti. But that was different. That was at their house where I could bring my own stuff so I didn't mind. And the only person in my family who has my back in this is my mother. My grandmother didn't even care. It's just not fair that I'm getting this type of treatment. It's not my fault I have a disease. It's not my choice to eat gluten-free. And that's how they're acting like it is, that I'm choosing to eat this way and it's not for my health. I mean, I can't say I'm surprised because it's always been this way inmy family that my parents and I get look down upon and treated like the black sheep but I thought that maybe, just maybe, they would understand and involve me like good families do. Families are supposed to support each other and help each other. In mine, it's only if you're in that side of the family. That's the only way they care about you. They make me feel gulity for having an uncontrollable disease. It's just not right. Sorry for the rant but I'm just upset and hurt and I know this is a safe place to do just that.

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1desperateladysaved Proficient
1desperateladysaved
Posted

Yeah, I am in the same spot.  Except, I don't trust any restaurant.  I am planning to take my meal along to the restaurant with me.  Some will even give you a plate to put it on.  They must allow you to bring your own food.  I don't feel 100% comfortable with this plan, but what can one do?  The restaurant still wins since all of the others will be paying.  If I were you, I would stop at the restaurant you trust and get some food to go.

 

I am so glad your parents are supporting you.  I know the hurt.  I keep having people say, Don't mind them "They just don't understand" about it.  I am sure I don't understand the ones criticizing my actions.  How can they say that I am obsessed?  What is my option?  How to accept that they can't understand and go on?  I only know the best idea is not to feel offended, but it sure isn't easy.  That is for sure.

mommida Enthusiast
mommida
Posted

This is why I warn newly diagnosed Celiacs.  You will find out who your friends are.  You no longer have rose colored glasses for the people in your life.  You will see exactly who they are.  What they choose to put value on.

 

You have seen true, unconditional love from your mother.  Thank your lucky stars you have such an awesome woman in your life!

 

Don't go to events that are planned like this.  Let your cousin answer for her self. 

 

Lady,  I did give you different advice a few days ago.  The more I thought about it, the more I believe it is not worth the risk.  It is what it is.  Celiacs can't eat gluten.  I don't want to starve through another holiday.  (I have done so too many times to count.  I'm tired of it.)

shadowicewolf Proficient
shadowicewolf
Posted

People do not understand what they cannot see.

 

However, if you still wish to go with them, you could, alternatively, eat a very good meal at home, then go with them. That way you are full and you don't have to worry about it.

Kathy59 Rookie
Kathy59
Posted

I would get my dinner to go from another resturant as a previous poster stated. However, I would go ahead and eat my dinner, so it doesn't get cold and enjoy every bite while they are still waiting for their dinner! I agree that is not nice to pick especially an Italian Resturant...however, you might make a call ahead of time and see if they can accomadate you..then again on Easter Sunday....I would be concerned....just take your own food! and enjoy the rest of the day..

Gemini Experienced
Gemini
Posted

Yeah, I am in the same spot.  Except, I don't trust any restaurant.  I am planning to take my meal along to the restaurant with me.  Some will even give you a plate to put it on.  They must allow you to bring your own food.  I don't feel 100% comfortable with this plan, but what can one do?  The restaurant still wins since all of the others will be paying.  If I were you, I would stop at the restaurant you trust and get some food to go.

 

I am so glad your parents are supporting you.  I know the hurt.  I keep having people say, Don't mind them "They just don't understand" about it.  I am sure I don't understand the ones criticizing my actions.  How can they say that I am obsessed?  What is my option?  How to accept that they can't understand and go on?  I only know the best idea is not to feel offended, but it sure isn't easy.  That is for sure.

 

I'm not sure where you live but restaurants are not required to allow people to bring in outside food.  They can refuse and it's a health code issue.

 

Personally, if one of my relatives made a point of picking out someplace without the Celiac in mind, I would decline going and go out to eat someplace with my family members who would stand behind this decision, the places where you will get a great meal without getting sick.  Why would anyone want to waste their time off with a cousin who treats you like this?  You can see the others at the rest of the family functions through out the year but you don't have to go to every one. 

 

I pick out the restaurant at all family functions and if I am not allowed to do that so I can ensure I won't get sick, I don't go.  Funny enough, everyone always loves my choices.  I try to accommodate everyone's needs, including price, so it usually works out great.  That way, people get a taste of what it's like to have their needs met.  i think, after 8 years, they are finally getting it!  ;)

Takala Enthusiast
Takala
Posted

 "my aunt put the decision up to my cousin. "

 

You didn't explain why your aunt is the one making this decision my passing the buck to "the cousin," but this is where the problem is.   I have no idea how large your family is, but These People are both lazy and hostile to the entire concept of "family" togetherness.   I would suggest you do not attend if they will not honor your dietary needs, since there ARE alternatives.   Whether or not you decide to further embarrass them by pointing out their bad behavior is up to you.   Part of being a grown up is learning to cut the emotional ties with inconsiderate relatives, every family has some of these, if it is not gluten they decide to make an issue out of, then it is something else.  The entire concept of eating at a restaurant on a holiday implies they want someone to wait on them (and they make somebody else work on that day, I bet they don't give out decent tips, either ) instead of being nurturing and making food for other people, something that you can do for yourself, and your actual family and friends.  

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nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted

(((HUGS)))

AshBil Rookie
AshBil
Posted
  • Author

Thank you all for the kind words. Takala, I honestly couldn't tell you why my aunt and cousin have to be the ones to decide. Maybe it's because we all go to their house afterwards. It's just always kind of been that way. It's not a big family by any means. It's me, my parents, two aunts, two uncles, three cousins and my grandma. So it looks like my parents and I are just going to have a dinner at home. I'm fine with that. It's better than constantly getting told like I have been since I was diagnosed, that they're not going to change everything around just to accomodate me. Even on Thanksgiving, I made two gluten free pumpkin pies with a glutem free ginger snap crust. I made one for home and one for their house. My other aunt (the one that actually thinks of me and had a New Years Eve party and offered to cook me whatever I wanted because they all had spaghetti) she was the only one outside of my parents and my boyfriend who tried my pie. They all said it came out really good. I asked my grandma if she would try some. And she said "no, I want to eat the pie i brought" which was a store bought pie. It's like they're all afraid to eat gluten free things, like if they do, they'll get sick. Like a reverse Celiac or something. It's just very frustrating. Thank you all again for the support because other than my parents and my boyfriend, I don't get much of that.

Smylinacha Apprentice
Smylinacha
Posted

Can they go to an Italian Restaurant that makes gluten free pizza? We have one in town and we all go out...they get their stuff and I eat my pizza which I like. And hugs to you because it is hard with family get together involving food. My mother in law is kind enough to make gluten free when she has us over for dinner. Also plain meats, veggies and sweet potatoes are gluten free, and some rice. Too bad they can't go somewhere for you to eat that. I am glad you mom is standing by you.

alesusy Explorer
alesusy
Posted

I'm with Gemini and Takala on this one. definitely. Family issues are always thorny but really, if they treat you like this why should you want to spend time with them? At Easter or any other time? They may be "family" but they're not behaving as a family should. Sorry for the censorius tone.

 

I have had some friend cook special dinners for me these last weeks. Sometimes they got it wrong, but I appreciated the effort. Other friends came with me to gluten-free restaurants without complaining and a guy who likes me today in an ice cream parlour insisted on eating non-dairy ice cream. "But you can get whatever you want", I said. And he went "Don't you want people to share your new world?". (I don't much like him, unfortunately, but I did appreciate the thought). Life is really too short to spend it with people who will not give you the respect you deserve, and choosing a restaurant where you don't risk to be poisoned is a basic form of respect by your own family. Otherwise they're either implying you're just pretending to be sick, or that it doesn't matter if you get poisoned.

 

Also, I think you should explain all this to your cousin and your aunt, not getting angry but stating you don't want to get poisoned and they behave like they did not take you seriously...

 

I'm sure Easter will be much nicer if you are not obliged to sit at a restaurant where you do not feel comfortable! And a happy Easter to you.

LauraB0927 Apprentice
LauraB0927
Posted

While I agree that you can technically bring your own food if you wanted to, it seems like the damage is done with them not considering your feelings.  I know if I were in that position, I'd be bitter throughout the whole dinner anyway and probably wouldn't even enjoy it.  I'd probably sit this one out, but talk to the family members that you're closer to about why you feel uncomfortable in a restaurant that's not guaranteed to meet your dietary needs.  You can't pick your family, but you CAN pick your friends AND your food!!  Unfortunately I've learned that some people just don't get it - it doesn't make it any less frustrating, but hopefully as awareness about Celiac continues to grow, so will your family's sensitivity.  My thoughts are with you!!    

Coryad Rookie
Coryad
Posted

I am so saddened by some peoples "family".... my family goes out of their way to accommodate me and I love them for it (among other things :D)

 

Have your meal with your parents at home and enjoy :)  

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