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My partner seems uncaring about celiac

Bec the Lemon

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Bec the Lemon Apprentice
Bec the Lemon
Posted

So I was recently diagnosed and my partner doesnt seem to care much about it. He seems unwilling to learn what celiac is, doesnt seem to be listening when I try to explain its more then just an allergy and keeps trying to one up me when I say my stomach hurts with his IBS. This is an extremely frustrating time for me made harder by his rudeness and Im not sure how to deal with it. I think its important for the person I share a living space/kitchen with to understand it but I could be wrong. 
I asked him to make a small sacrifice  today. I asked if next time he orders pizza, to consider ordering from a place that has gluten free options and is considered safe for celiacs but he just met that with attitude about how he can eat whatever he wants and its not his problem. Was I in the wrong to make that request? Pizza was my favourite food and I find it very difficult every time he orders it and eats it right next to me, we live in a small apartment so theres nowhere i can go to get away from the smell. 
 

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Jmg Mentor
Jmg
Posted
1 hour ago, Bec the Lemon said:

So I was recently diagnosed and my partner doesnt seem to care much about it. He seems unwilling to learn what celiac is, doesnt seem to be listening when I try to explain its more then just an allergy and keeps trying to one up me when I say my stomach hurts with his IBS. This is an extremely frustrating time for me made harder by his rudeness and Im not sure how to deal with it. I think its important for the person I share a living space/kitchen with to understand it but I could be wrong. 
I asked him to make a small sacrifice  today. I asked if next time he orders pizza, to consider ordering from a place that has gluten free options and is considered safe for celiacs but he just met that with attitude about how he can eat whatever he wants and its not his problem. Was I in the wrong to make that request? Pizza was my favourite food and I find it very difficult every time he orders it and eats it right next to me, we live in a small apartment so theres nowhere i can go to get away from the smell. 
 

So my first impulse is to say he's a massive d***head and you should tell him where to go, but this is why I'm not a relationship counselor and single! :) Of course he may be perfectly nice, but he's behaving like one and you're right to expect some effort on his side to understand. Relationships are about give and take. 

Talking about these things can sometimes provoke an argument. It's very difficult because it's something so close to you and if others don't/won't understand its very difficult to remain dispassionate. Would it help to write him a letter? 

If he goes on the way he is then your justified hurt will turn to bitterness and resentment and soon things will not be recoverable. He needs to understand that you have been diagnosed with a serious, lifelong, medical condition that if not properly treated can lead to very serious consequences. That your diet isn't a choice, a fad, or an indulgence but a a matter of utmost seriousness. That outside your home you face a lifetime of scrutinising labels, quizzing sceptical waiters, disbelieving work colleagues and friends etc. and so its absolutely vital that the person closest to you understands exactly what you're going through, the sacrifices that you have to make and the sound, medically recognised, reasons behind them. He needs to have your back. He needs to be the one that stands up for you if that happens in his presence. You need him to confide in if its happened when your not there. You will have enough resistance to cope with outside in the world, you don't need it in your home from your partner. 

Frankly I'd expect any woman foolish enough to live with me to understand all of the above, not just for my sake, but because it's so intrinsic to who I am now that I don't think I'd have a proper relationship if they didn't understand why I'm forever reading labels, scrubbing pans and work surfaces, rarely eating out and looking tense when I do etc. 

Write him a letter, leave it with a book (or leaflet if a book isn't realistic) on celiac and leave the next move up to him. He may be operating at the moment out of ignorance and some misconceived sense of pique that your somehow putting your troubles above his. So, benefit of doubt, write a letter and leave him in no uncertainty about how high the stakes are. If he can't rise to the challenge then you've learned something about how much you can rely on this person and can act accordingly. 

Best of luck!

Matt

 

ravenwoodglass Mentor
ravenwoodglass
Posted
3 hours ago, Bec the Lemon said:

try to explain its more then just an allergy and keeps trying to one up me when I say my stomach hurts with his IBS.

I wonder if some of his attitude is driven by the fear that he has celiac also. You may want to encourage him to get tested.  I hope he isn't blowing off his need to brush his teeth after that pizza before you two kiss. There are companies that make gluten free pizza you may want to keep a couple in the freezer for times he orders one.  If he cares for you he needs to do all he can to keep you safe. If he doesn't care enough to change then you may need to kick him to the curb for the sake of your health.

Ennis-TX Grand Master
Ennis-TX
Posted

Most delivery companies do not do dedicated gluten-free pizza....just the fad contaminated pizza. I would buy and keep a bunch of frozen pizzas from a dedicated company in the freezer, same with various other gluten-free foods alternative and just throw away all gluten in the house. But I am paranoid, I could not live in a shared house, I kept getting sick and had to move to a gluten free living environment to get better. Others managed a shared house fine.
You might want to put it into perspective, show him some research about how if you keep getting glutened you could get cancer, lymphoma, other autoimmune disease, etc. Push the point of worse case senerio and how he would like it if that happened to you. Push the point that a crumb to you is like eating rat poison. If he still shows no empathy or caring....dump him, or seek counseling, he sounds worse then me and I have Aspergers......thats saying alot.
Here is a bit older list of some gluten-free food alternatives, I have yet to update with some others.
https://www.celiac.com/forums/topic/119661-gluten-free-food-alternative-list-2017/

cyclinglady Grand Master
cyclinglady
Posted

Fantastic advice.  I will add “kick him to the curb” as well.  I have been married for almost 30 years. It is all about team work and caring deeply for one another in sickness and in health and during emotionally and financially rough times.  If he will not support you in keeping you healthy, how will he treat future kids?  

I am also the mother of a daughter.  I would advise her that this is the time to get healthy and work towards being financially independent, so you will never have to rely on a man.  Not knocking men.  I love mine passionately.  But he is a good man.  A good father.  A good partner.  (And you can sub out “good” for any adjective that means excellent, great, outstanding, the best.....whatever!)  You deserve the same!

kareng Grand Master
kareng
Posted

That's horrible and selfish!  I beg you not to have children with him!  

I understand that he might not want to eat the gluten-free pizza or bread, but to not allow you to is really awful.  Not to understand that you might need a while to get used to not eating stuff you once loved...it's just not loving.  

When I was diagnosed, I think my youngest was about 13.  He loved to have pretzels everyday after school.  He knew I loved  pretzels ( this was before the good Snyder's ones came out).  So he said he didn't want me to buy him pretzels.  I found out a few month s later that he was using his money to buy pretzels from the vending machine a task school or the grocery near school.  He was keeping them in his room and eating them when I wasn't around.  My point being, a 13 yr old male understood what I was going through.....  but your BF doesn't.  I am assuming that biologically, he is over 13 and emotionally about 2.  When you are 2, life is all about you. 

Victoria1234 Experienced
Victoria1234
Posted
13 hours ago, Bec the Lemon said:

So I was recently diagnosed and my partner doesnt seem to care much about it. He seems unwilling to learn what celiac is, doesnt seem to be listening when I try to explain its more then just an allergy and keeps trying to one up me when I say my stomach hurts with his IBS. This is an extremely frustrating time for me made harder by his rudeness and Im not sure how to deal with it. I think its important for the person I share a living space/kitchen with to understand it but I could be wrong. 
I asked him to make a small sacrifice  today. I asked if next time he orders pizza, to consider ordering from a place that has gluten free options and is considered safe for celiacs but he just met that with attitude about how he can eat whatever he wants and its not his problem. Was I in the wrong to make that request? Pizza was my favourite food and I find it very difficult every time he orders it and eats it right next to me, we live in a small apartment so theres nowhere i can go to get away from the smell. 
 

Well let's just say this does not bode well for your relationship. If I couldn't talk to my husband about celiac and have him be respectful and do as much as he could for me, well I don't know what I would do. It's a difficult disease to live with sometimes, and you need support, not a one-up contest. Try to have a heart to heart with him, and explain you need support now, and it is serious. This is a lifelong issue with you. If there are no changes, you may need to "kick him to the curb" as others have said. Sorry you are having to go thru this along with celiac.

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GF-Cheetah Cub Contributor
GF-Cheetah Cub
Posted

"I think its important for the person I share a living space/kitchen with to understand it but I could be wrong.  "  --  You are not wrong.

" ... to consider ordering from a place that has gluten free option ....Was I in the wrong to make that request? " -- Absolutely not. 

Celiac is an auto-immune disease, and the only treatment option is a gluten free diet.   If your partner can't be bothered to learn about it, and is unwilling to accommodate your easily doable request (you are not even trying to ban gluten in your home!  Lots of people here do.), I think you need to seriously consider if this relationship has a real future.  

And it is not just his unwillingness to accommodate you, he seems to have a very bad, and even mean spirited attitude about your new gluten free lifestyle.   Eating gluten free is not easy, and it is not a lifestyle that we choose, it is necessary to keep ourselves or our loved ones healthy.

When my 14 year-old daughter was diagnosed 4 years ago, our entire household went gluten free, and we only go eat at restaurants with reputable gluten free options.   I always told her that as she grows up, and form relationships (friendships included), it has to be with people who love her enough and are kind enough to accommodate her eating restrictions.  Anyone can't bothered, isn't worth her time.

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