The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[elye]

lost?

Yeah....lost...

[CarlaB]

Yeah....lost...

Yeah,, I knew that post reminded me of something ... watching Lost!! I didn't get it.

Daughter, my guess is that you're REALLY BORED.

[DingoGirl]

totally and completely lost.

[Daughter-of-TheLight]

You guessed right. When I'm bored strange things begin to happed. Not bored now... or yet.... But soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon...

Wow

That's a lota o's.

o.o

-.-

O.-

O.O

<<

>>

:[

[elye]

....those are scary, cultish-looking symbols...

Hey...and look at my post count......oooooooo!

[CarlaB]

Hey...and look at my post count......oooooooo!

Better make another post!

[Darn210]

Hey...and look at my post count......oooooooo!

Better make another post!

She did . . . I just passed Emily in the hall (virtually speaking).

I don't consider myself a superstitious person , but I don't like that number.

[CarlaB]

I don't consider myself a superstitious person , but I don't like that number.

Me either ... on both comments.

[elye]

Hey!! No one told me about what happens when you hit 666 posts...why are these little HORNS sprouting out from my temples?! Goodness, I smell sulphur...

[Darn210]

Hey!! No one told me about what happens when you hit 666 posts...why are these little HORNS sprouting out from my temples?! Goodness, I smell sulphur...

So is there a "little devil" emoticon?

\. ./

[blueeyedmanda]

LOL

[DingoGirl]

So is there a "little devil" emoticon?

\. ./

oh excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how very clever......

okay I"ll try one -

^ ^

that's a dingo.

[Mtndog]

Why am I so confused???????? :unsure: :wacko:

I'll just post a good old joke from Uncle ray (I looked for a pic, but think I'm going to have to scan one in.....he's a funny guy!). OK- it's an Irish joke but given that I'm Irish, I can get away with it:

Definition of an Irish

husband:

He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any

man who does.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy

told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very

lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

------------------------------------------------------------

The late

Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves

is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

------------------------------------------------------------

An

American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an

Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

"Who told you

that?" asked Paddy.

----------------------------

---------------------------------

Question - Why are Irish jokes so

simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them. (NIKKI )

-------------------------------------------------------------

Reilly

went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and

announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that

mean I can keep the money?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Irish

lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs.

Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on

the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all

the time."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A

bachelor.

------------- ------------------------------------------------

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o'clock

in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is

she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Slaney

phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send

an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her

first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your

wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps

fallin' off!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

My

mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and

then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of

theirs?

[DingoGirl]

-------------------------------------------------------------

Slaney

phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send

an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her

first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

-------------------------------------------------------------

:lol:

and there's our Bev and dear Uncle Ray to save the day!

[nikki-uk]

ARRGGHHH Bejaysus Bev !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IRISH DAUGHTER

***************

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, ... "Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for

[blueeyedmanda]

I got this one from my MIL this morning.

CIRCUMCISED...THIS IS PRICELESS

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,

scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

[nikki-uk]

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Excellent ........ and a MIL with a sense of humoUr is alway's a bonus !!

[DingoGirl]

"Oh! Be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

excellent, and may I say how incredibly tanned and lovely you all look in your photo.....I could sit in the sun for TEN HOURS a day at the equator and NEVER look like that - HARRUMPH!

(doesn't tan, doesn't burn, NOTHING happens but pigmentation in old age)

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

and good morning to you, Amanda, how is work today, and the orange-haired troll on someone's desk?

[blueeyedmanda]

She not only comes witha sense of humor but she understand the gluten free diet the best, she always makes sure that at picnics and dinners there is something for me. I have never felt so cared for in my life. She is a keeper.

My cubie mate has a 89 yr old "Nanny" as she calls her that is still...umm active and has boyfriends frequently....you should see the emails we get from her. I couldn't even post them on here...too dirty.

[nikki-uk]

excellent, and may I say how incredibly tanned and lovely you all look in your photo.....I could sit in the sun for TEN HOURS a day at the equator and NEVER look like that - HARRUMPH!

(doesn't tan, doesn't burn, NOTHING happens but pigmentation in old age)

It's all gone now - back to our pale selves (sp?) peeled like a snake......my poor skin .....gets nothing all year round ...then blasted with radiation for 2 weeks

My cubie mate has a 89 yr old "Nanny" as she calls her that is still...umm active and has boyfriends frequently....you should see the emails we get from her. I couldn't even post them on here...too dirty.

Great company though !!

[Mtndog]

She not only comes witha sense of humor but she understand the gluten free diet the best, she always makes sure that at picnics and dinners there is something for me. I have never felt so cared for in my life. She is a keeper.

My cubie mate has a 89 yr old "Nanny" as she calls her that is still...umm active and has boyfriends frequently....you should see the emails we get from her. I couldn't even post them on here...too dirty.

I say bring 'em on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:

Nikki- Excellent!!!!!!!!!!

Stick it out until noon!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: I'm sending THAT one to Uncle ray. Actually, he doesn't know he's famous (or is it infamous?) on this thread. I should get him on here! :ph34r:

[Darn210]

Well, since we're on the subject (and since Bev is Irish - actually, I'm just a bit Irish, too) . ..

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

*****

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die y ou don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

*****

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

*****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

*****

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

*****

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and s huffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Darn210]

And here's two more . . .

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the dog."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you be helping us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

[DingoGirl]

excellent Irish jokes.

[blueeyedmanda]

They are brightening up my Monday, keep em coming!