I Want To Scream And Have A Meltdown!

[Turtle]

Okay...this is gonna be lengthy and i'm sorry! I'm not really a whiner and I usually just let things go, avoid conflict and let it all roll off my shell but i'm officially reaching my breaking point....Let's see if I can sum this up in a nutshell:

My childhood friend is getting married in June 2007. Myself and the other girl that grew up with us have been asked to serve as her Maid of Honors (MOH). Of course I accepted b/c i've known her for over 27 years and how do you say "no". My parents are best friends with her mother. My mom is giving the bridesmaid luncheon and other things to help with the wedding. So I felt obligated too. Many people have asked why don't you just back out of the wedding...well I nicely tried that and it made the bride FURIOUS! So i'm STUCK, bottom line. Plus her mother is awesome and as I said really close to my parents so I feel obligated and just want to keep the peace.

Well, the first issue has been that the bridesmaid dress is outrageously expensive. She's very high maintenance and EVERYTHING has to be name brand. Okay fine...it's just a dress and I got over it and will figure out a way to come up with the money some how some way. (Please Note: I was laid off back in April and have not been able to find full time work. I do however have a part time job, but the pay is only enough to cover my bills and doesn't leave much for "play" money. I'm interviewing and searching for full time work daily. May something land in my lap soon!!)

Anyway, I then step up to the plate and call the other MOH to talk to her about giving the bride a shower b/c that's what MOH's are supposed to do. I'm thinking things are going great with our chat and we're in agreement to the type of shower we want to give, etc. and all of a sudden she more or less informs me in a rather rude tone of how the shower will be, what will be served, who will cater it, etc. As stunned as I was, I once again just let it roll off my shell and just went with the flow and I will continue to do so allowing her to run the show to avoid drama and conflict. I will simply hand over my half of the money for whatever it costs and take orders and do whatever i'm asked. I just don't have the strength to deal with such catty-ness. And it will actually take a lot of stress off me if she wants to handle running around doing everything. More power to her!

So, just when i'm thinking the worst is over with and all I have to worry about is finding more part time work to cover expenses for this wedding & then it will soon be all over and done with......The bride calls! She's telling me how they are thinking of having a casual rehearsal dinner at their neighborhood clubhouse with bar-b-que and the sides that go along with bar-b-que. She asked me what I think and I tell her I think it's a great idea and that I think people will enjoy the casual atmosphere, being outside, etc. Well then it starts...."you can eat bar-b-que right". I nicely tell her not to worry about me that I will take care of myself and bring something to eat. She gets MAD at me. So, I remain calm and I explain that b/c of the risk of Cross Contamination, not knowing what all is in the food, etc. that I would prefer not to risk it. I kid you not she gets irritated and ticked off that I won't eat at the rehearsal dinner. And her tone of voice is like i'm making it all up just to be difficult. I was FLOORED b/c in the past she has always seem to show understanding. I want to cry!!!!

I wanted to scream at her and say HELLO, I have CELIAC DISEASE. It's not my fault that I have CELIAC DISEASE. It's not my fault that I can't eat the stupid rehearsal dinner food. I am sorry, but eating unsafe food will make me SICK! VERY SICK!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND???? I am at my wits end and was near tears. It was the worst feeling ever to feel like a leper. I realize that people are going to be the way they are and you can't change them. I guess i'm just hurt and disappointed. I wanted to vent here b/c I know that you guys as fellow Celiacs can relate and understand. *Sigh*

Okay, i'm done now...thanks for listening....

[Corkdarrr]

Poor Turtle......people can be such jerks. I'm impressed though - I totally would've blown by now!

Courtney

[AndreaB]

Turtle,

I saw your post ealier (this summer) about this. Was hoping things would get better.

Personally, (and this is just my opinion), she should pay for your dress and the others as well. I didn't have a high maintenance wedding because I'm not that way, but I paid for the dresses and the tux rentals. I have also been in a wedding were it wasn't paid for. I hate making people spend so much money on something they will probably never wear again.

Being best/good friends among the families would also be more difficult for you. I would still seriously consider dropping out of the wedding if she can't help out with or pay for the dress herself. She has another MOH so at least she wouldn't be left hanging. It irks me when people are so oblivous to others needs. She WANTS what she wants for this wedding. You NEED to be able to pay your bills and survive.

As far as her reaction to you wanting to bring your own food to the bbq. Come on! She needs to have some feelings for others. She sounds like a very self centered person. Keep in mind, I don't know her, just the attitude that has presented itself here.

I do hope you won't be offended by my post. It is my opinion and you can ignore it if you want.

I just don't think you need the stress this is creating for you.

[eKatherine]

a/k/a Bridezilla.

[Guest nini]

Vent away my dear... I would be in tears too... someone gave me great advice recently "you do what you have to do to take care of yourself because no one else is going to"... (sad but true)... if someone else cares enough to make an effort to make me feel included, bonus, but please don't get mad at me if I'm only looking out for me.

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people. She's probably really really stressed, and you can either let it go, or find a way to calmly explain to her why her selfish behavior is hurtful to others.

[Ursa Major]

Turtle, I am sorry you have to deal with all that. The nerve of some people! First they think EVERYBODY has lots of money, and can afford whatever they demand you should buy, then you get trampled by the other bridesmaid, and finally the bride gets angry with you for having an illness? I totally understand your feelings of wishing you could just back out of all of it. Being treated like that hurts.

But I guess you have no choice but to stick it out. I hope that all this is not going to ruin your friendship. Well, in a way it sounds like it may be damaged already, of course. It's sad. But, as with so many things, we need to do what we have to do to stay well, and try not to let others bother us too much.

I hope that in the end it all works out, without causing you too much stress.

[snapple]

Wow! Ok, first I would recommend closing your eyes and concentrating on breathing in for a count of 5, and breathing out for a count of 5. I recommend doing this 6 times. It should help you feel more in control and less stressed.

The whole rehearsal dinner issue shouldn't even be an issue, but some people can't help themselves. In your shoes, I would explain to her that to keep things simple and uncomplicated, it would be easier for you to provide your own meal, that as closely matches what they are going to be having, then to have to worry about getting sick. Also, it might help if you approched the food issue as a concern about making her day perfect. Afterall, if you're sick, how can she expect you to make it through the next day? Isn't it more important that everyone is healthy and available on the wedding day? You might want to remind her that you are there for HER, not the food. If she still gets on your case about, let her scream and shout and carry on until she has run out of steam, and then gently remind her that the food "issue" is not her decision, but yours, although you appreciate her concern.

I hope this helps. Also, speak to the person who is doing the food for the reception and work something out ahead of time. That way, she can't screw up your meal, and she will feel better about the whole food 'issue'.

[powderprincess]

Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through all this. It's one thing for all the wedding demands, but over everything else, YOU need to be the one to decide what you put into your body. I'm sorry she does not understand that.

I wish you the best and I hope you do not get sick. Perhaps you can bring it up so she's sees that it benefits her if you do not eat at the RD. Does she really want a bridesmaid running down the aisle the next day, in the middle of the cermony, to get to the bathroom in time?!

[Ursa Major]

Does she really want a bridesmaid running down the aisle the next day, in the middle of the cermony, to get to the bathroom in time?!

THAT is a very good point. I can just see you flying down the aisle in the wrong direction, shoving the bride and her dad out of the way, on your way to the bathroom.

[Shalia]

Ouch. That really sucks. It sounds like you are being teh best friend you can be, and everyone is being not so understanding.

Weddings are really stressful times. I hope she'll be back to her normal, not so stressed out, friendly self when this is all over!!

And prayers for a job to land in your lap.

[kbtoyssni]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. I always feel that a bride should be considerate of her bridesmaids. Your bridesmaids should be people who mean enough to you to want them in your wedding party no matter what their financial situation. A bride should be considerate of money and make some compromises to allow your bridesmaids to be in the wedding without too big of a financial burden to them. You obviously didn't get one of those brides which stinks and it doesn't sound like you can even talk to her about the situation.

Someone needs to smack some sense into this bride! Honestly, who cares what you eat during a dinner??? It's not like you eating something different is inconveniencing her or ruining her day. You're bringing your own food so it's not like she has to do anything extra. Ok, this is making me mad as I think about it more. And about that shower - I'd tell her that you had discussed something smaller and that was fine, now that she's dictated the caterer and activites you can't afford it...

Do you think you might get a better reaction if your parents or the other maid of honor talked to the bride about the situation?

Good luck with the wedding and finding a job. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[daffadilly]

Oh, I feel for you, but I was wondering if I should post because from the point of old age, none of it seems worth it, I would so not be MOH, since the parents are friends I might go to the wedding instead of flying to Paris for the weekend. She has one MOH that should be enough. I would be talking about how with this disease that all my hair is falling out & how I have this awful rash that keeps turning into boils, but that they are not contagious, & that you put band aids on them when they start ooozing...

okay, I know I am bad, I am just not into wasting one second of my time messing around with some nutsy self centered controlling bride. Guess Carol Channing would not be welcome to the rehearsal dinner either, she takes her food in silver thermoses with her everywhere, yes even to the Whitehouse, well she also takes her chef. What people eat is their own business...

[azmom3]

So sorry! First of all, go ahead and cry...you deserve it after all this. And maybe it would be good for the bride to see (or indirectly hear) how much you are hurt by everything too. It sounds like she's not listening to you, but maybe if it came from someone else, she would listen more. It's sad, but sometimes we treat our acquaintances with more respect than people we love and have known forever. If this happened to me, I would be just as angry, frustrated and upset as you are.

First of all, if the financial burden seems bad now, more than likely, it will get a lot worse. I don't know about the rest of you, but I went well over our original budget for our wedding/rehearsal dinner. I think it would be better to say how honored you are, but don't go through with everything if you can't physically or financially do it all. If you feel that your only choice is to deal with everything, then be prepared to spend even more money than is originally suggested and probably have more stress as it gets closer.

I like the deep breathing idea and maybe a good night's sleep. You'll still be angry and upset, (and rightfully so), but not as tired when making decisions about what you will say and/or do, which can make a huge difference.

Lastly, most brides get very stressed about making sure their day is perfect (to them). They don't want anything or anyone to ruin what their image of a perfect wedding should be. What seems like a simple thing to you that nobody will even care about may not be in her plans and therefore look like a huge problem for her. She probably starts stressing about what could go wrong now that things have to change and what will people thing, etc. She's hopefully just very stressed out and maybe one day will look back and apologize for how ridiculous she's being...hopefully sooner, than later (if you think you can deal with it long enough.)

If you think you can just bite your tongue long enough, (I don't think I could....I'm too stubborn), you'll probably strengthen your friendship after it's all said and done....assuming this isn't her normal self and she's just stressed and out of sorts right now. After enough time has passed, you can decide to forgive and forget (which again, I'm too stubborn for half the time) or talk to her about it and try to resolve those lingering feelings.

Good luck! Tomorrow's a new day....hope it goes better for you.

[babygirl1234]

i know how it is when a bridele shower or a rehersle dinner is either at a place that doesnt have "gluten-free food and you either have to eat it and get sick or feel so funny when your the only one not eating because the food will make you sick. i had my cousins wedding and bridetal shower i didnt go to for that very reason, because i know that if i ate something that was not "gluten-free" i wouldnt feel well after i ate so i just stayed home with my own food where i knew i wouldnt be tempted to cheat, so that way my mom could stayed as long as she wanted so see some places or even family members dont take our needs into planning a special event and as i just said its hard to find places that do have "gluten-free" food for us that need to have it

[Rusla]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know this is supposedly the brides day etc. You would think being a life long friend and all she would have more courtesy for you than that.

She sounds like a spoiled self-centred little brat who needs a good spanking. I would have been inclined to say,"no problem, I will just run out in the middle of the ceremony to the bathroom 1000 times because you want to poison me." I would have told her if she wanted to be that way it would more beneficial to everyone if you were not in the wedding party. Why people have weddings I will never know. Every time someone goes to have a wedding the crap that happens causes so much grief. The mother and MIL fight the parents fight, the bride and groom sometimes never make to the altar.

Sounds like this bride has become a Bridezilla. Tell her to elope and get it over with. I know I have not been much help but I don't know how you do it but I have no tolerance for prima donna's and their snooty entourage's.

[pixiegirl]

Ahh here I go, always one to take the other side ... well not really... it does sound like the bride is out of control but thats certainly not unusual for some weddings... its a stressful time and sadly people put such focus (financial, mental, emotional) on one single day, in the entire context of our lifetimes or one's marriage its seems a little silly.

That being said... you knew the bride ahead of time and I'm guessing she has been high maintenance all along so choosing expensive bridesmaid dresses shouldn't be a surprise. I wish I could tell you how many times I hear woman saying things like "I couldn't say no" and then they go on and complain about the bridezilla. You know what..... you could have said no. (I do agree its too late now). But for future reference there are a lot of easy ways to say NO and still have the bride as a friend, such as:

My heath issues are such right now that I'm not sure I could manage all the responsiblities of being in your wedding, but I can't wait to help you celebrate it..... or I don't think we can handle the financial responsibilites of a wedding right now so I'd rather keep my funds for an awesome gift for you both.

However at this point your in it so... in regards to the rehearsal dinner... I'd tell the bride that she has enough to worry about and you'll handle your eating. Then just like the way you distract a 2 year old, I'd ask her about other wedding plans to change the focus from what you will eat.

However now that you know how she feels, is there any possibility that you could call the restaurant, speak to the manager and explain your eating issues and I'd flat out tell him the bride feels awful about the fact I may not be able to eat a thing, is there anything I can have there ? You may be able to get a baked potato, a salad, steamed veggies and if so you can tell the bride I've talked to the restaurant and its all taken care of. I know we have this eating out discussion all the time on this list and certainly I respect everyone's decision about that but I eat out at least once a week and travel at least once a month and I can say for sure I've never been glutened by a baked potato and butter. (if you can eat those things)

I do feel badly for you, it sounds like the everyone is trying to micro manage things but when you let them do it all, it often comes back to haunt you. Chalk this up to a learning experience and grit your teeth!

Susan

[almostnrn]

Oh I wish I could give you a big hug! Women can be such catty creatures and sometimes I'm embarrased to be one! First of all, this financial burdon on you is unacceptable. Its not like you are being stingy!!! Now I know why I didn't have anyone but the bride and the groom in my wedding. Funny thing was people were offended that I didn't have a wedding party. Geez, sometimes you just can't win!

Anyway back on the subject...I am also in a wedding in the next few months and here is what I have done about the food issue. Now, it sounds as if my friends are somewhat more reasonable emphasis on the somewhat, lol. I spoke to my friend and directly asked her information about the rehersal dinner and reception and who the person in charge of catering was and told her I was going to contact him directly (thankfully they are both at one place). I am providing my own food but I'm concerned about CC so I want to talk to him about that and let him know about my needs. I guess at this point I"m just hardened enough that I don't care if she is offended, it is my health we are talking about and I won't allow myself to go hungry for 2 days OR get intentionally glutened for anyone. After all no one bothered to ask me if I was offended by the fact that I drove 3 hours to attend a bridal shower (given by friends who all know me and my food issues) AND THE ONLY THING THEY HAD FOR ME TO EAT WAS A FRUIT BOWL!!! Lol, no bitterness there.

Anyway....sorry to go on about my issue, but I thought it might help and maybe give you some ideas on how to handle the situation. I think we have all accepted having all the stupid questions being asked...like what can you eat, can't you just cheat a little, etc., etc. And we have all spent countless hours learning about this diet and disease. But just sheer rudeness we don't have to ever get used to. Either your "friend" can accept that you have dietary limitations or she can accept not having you as part of her wedding party. Sorry to be kind of hard and foward about it but this isn't your fault, please don't feel as if it is. None of us asked to get this disease and I"m quite sure that all of us would give it back if we could. Good luck to you Turtle, I hope things go better for you. Keep us posted.

[Guest nini]

now I know why I had a very small wedding and told my bridal party they could wear whatever they wanted to wear as long as it was color coordinated with my chosen colors... (they did great btw) my sister ended up making her dress and my best friend found a really cute dress at a consignment store.

[blueeyedmanda]

Poor Turtle,

I feel for you. Sometimes people just don't understand and it just makes you feel so small and unheard. How much would it kill her to look past the fact that you will bring your own food. Would she rather you get too sick to attend her wedding.

I know you are friends with the bride and her parents and that makes this situation even harder.

As for costs, weddings are outrageous these days and some people just insist on having huge weddings. I am actually engaged to be married and have not even started planning ceremony because I am floored at the costs of things.

[eKatherine]

Maybe I'm socially unfeeling, but I really don't think that the fact that you agreed to do this when times were good means you can be expected to bankrupt yourself and put up with the bride ordering you to eat food that will make you sick.

I would sit her down and give her a little chat that starts with "This doesn't seem to be working out for either one of us," and explain that if it is more important to her that you eat the catered meal at the rehearsal dinner than attend the wedding, then probably your presence at the wedding is relatively unimportant in the scheme of things.

[megzmc3611]

Turtle,

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding about 4 years ago. Now this was pre-celiac diagnosis, so I did not have the food dilemma, but I had the money issue big time! First of all the dresses and shoes were very expensive.

As for the shower, the bride's two sisters were the MOH's and they insisted on having the shower at a restaurant in Boston. They wanted to rent the upstairs of a fancy restaurant for the day and have the entire shower be open-bar. They went ahead and planned this without asking the other bridesmaids (there were 7 of us) opinions or financial status! Basically they just called each of us and let us know how much we owed! To top it off, since everyone was going to be in Boston for the shower during the day, we all agreed to just have the bachelorette that night. Before going out for the bachelorette, one of the sister's came up with the brilliant idea of each bridesmaid giving her $100 dollars so she could be the "banker" and just keep ordering and paying for drink rounds out at the bars...

I certainly did not plan on drinking $100 worth of alcohol! Needless to say, very expensive day/night!

[Queen Serenity]

Turtle,

Does your best friend know how serious your allergy to food can be? Is she living in denial right now? How can she be your best friend, and not understand anything about Celiac's? As for the stress of a wedding, that's just an excuse not to care about your health. As far as I can tell, she really is not your best friend, if she can't accept that you can become very ill from eating. How can she possibly put you in jeopardy like that? If I were you, I would sit down and speak to her about it. If she feels that you are being unreasonable, then you will have no choice but to step out of her life. I had to do it. My so called best friend of 25 years, had become someone different, and not understood what had happened in my life. Her mom is best friends with my mom, so I understand where you are coming from. So, the solution was to step away. You don't need a friend like her. You need someone who will support you no matter what. It may hurt for a while, but eventually you will get over it.

Vicki

gluten-free for 11 years

[HawkFire]

you don't have to be a bride's maid. You say you knew this woman for years. You're old enough to know that some people turn into maniacs at this time. Didn't you see it coming with her? I for one, would excuse every harsh comment she dishes out during this time. Why are you remaining her brides maid if you're so angry with her? In alanon there's an expression... Let go or be dragged. Sounds like your being dragged. Let go. Celiac is not an excuse for being socially insulted, in my opinion. Being a bride is an excuse for some behaviors, though.. imo. Laugh off her "insensitivities". I don't even think their insensitive comments. Her focus is rightfully on herself. It's her event. Any blip is an annoyance. You should tell her not to worry about your celiac over and over and prepare to get a 'magic eraser' at the end of the day and wipe that slate clean between you two. Or get out of HER wedding party now.

I'm editing here because I thougth of some more stuff. I was reading again and am surprised that so many people think its ok for you to remain so rigid and hostile and in the wedding party. Also I think it's strange that you claim to be such good friends but are so out fo touch with each other. You are not doing her a favor by staying in her wedding party out of some fabricated obligation. You can leave anytime you want. It's a privledge to be in a weddding party, not a right. How can you show up at a wedding full of resentments towards the bride? Do you think that sounds pretty of you to stand there with bad feelings inside yourself on this day? Sometimes all we need is permission to let go in order to let go. You have permission not to attend this wedding or to be a part of it. It's ok to do that. It's probably the better thing to do in your case with all that frustration towards the bride. I think its very sad all this anger. if you can't let it go, you should back out now. Remember that this day is hers and it is a joyous one.

[jesscarmel]

Hey Turtle

How Awful is that? i hate when people get mad at us for not wanting to eat at a function. recently on the jewish holiday we were going to my fiance's family's house and they kept asking what i would eat, they were really nice and offered to makme me special stuff. my mil when nuts about how i didnt want to eat there cause of cc. why cant people understand and just leave us alone. i'm so sorry that she got that mad and made it seem like you are being difficulty when really you are being accomodating which what was i tryiing to expalin to my fiance. people just dont get it.

the part about the dress is almost jsut as annoying consdering she know you were unemployed and now are only part time. as someone who is engaged and planning a big wedding, i would never ask that of a friend, nor would i think of treating anyone like that i actually dont have bridesmaids, only my sister. just makes life easier- my girlfirends can wear whatever thney want and not have to worry about wearing a pink dress- my fav color

i dont know what to say really- its very awkward situation. how did the convo end???

feel better!!!

Jess

[jerseyangel]

Turtle,

It looks to me that this is all pretty one-sided. I can see you wanting to let it roll of your shell in regards to the financial aspect, but for her to react so negatively to your medically necessary diet--that's really crossing the line in my book.

I know the long standing friendship means something to you--but ask yourself: does it really mean as much to her? Just food for thought.

I'm a bit older than you, and I've just gotten to the point where I can't always worry about what others will think of me. This is something that I constantly struggle with, so I know how difficult this is for you.

I know you weren't so much looking for advice, as you were wanting to vent--so I'm glad you did! I hope it's some comfort to you that we understand where you're coming from--come and unload on us anytime--we'll have your back