Help My Son's Broken Spirit

[nattrail]

Hey mom's I need your encouragment. We are still trying to find out what is going on with my son. I think I found another doctor but that will be weeks away. He has "accident's" and the kids make fun of him. He has names of stinky man, poop boy, smellie. Kids are mean. The school is not so understanding and told me to see a psychologist. Which I have. The former doctor thinks it was IBS.

I have changed his diet and see an improvemetn in his behavior. He has hearing loss on one side and a few nights ago he told me that he wished the only thing broken was his ear. He is 7 and doesn't want to be with kids anymore. But he wants to find a school where the kids are broken like him. I want to cry just typing this. Mom's...and dad's. what can I do? What do you do to encourage your kids? And how can I help him with the BM accident's.

Thanks for your help.

[dbmamaz]

Wow, that brought tears to my eyes . . . when my middle son was 4 he was still having accidents occasionally at daycare, and the teachers in the 4 yo class were absolutely not willing to deal with it, and he often got in trouble. He started just throwing away his underwear when it happenned - it was his idea - and I was always fine with it, because he was taking responsibility for it himself.

Just a few ideas in my mind - would it be possible to use pull-ups that he can throw away? I have a nephew who has very significant bladder problems and goes to the nurse for care during the day - i wonder if you just talk to the nurse's office, if she would be willing to keep extra pants or pullups for him to change there.

If the school is not making accomadations, you need to come up with a plan. My son has other issues and has an IEP - if your son has an IEP or 504 plan, you need to work to put accomodations in there for this problem. If he doesnt have one, you need to find support to get him one. finding a doctor who takes this seriously is an important step, because the doctor can write a letter to the school or come to a school meeting and inform the school that he has a medical disability which needs to be treated seriously.

I remember my son crying because he had no freinds and always got in trouble, and I used to tell him that we were going to try to find doctors who could help him learn to do better (ok, it ended up being drugs tho). Its so hard to be supportive when your heart is broken. My son actually got in to a gifted program at one point, and the kids there were actually much nicer - if they saw him hiding under the desk in a panic, they would call the teacher - the regular kids would see him coming down the hall and start tormenting him. Now he's in a specail ed classroom, and the teachers give much more oversight there.

Anyways, good luck finding out what's wrong with your son. Is he celiac, btw? is he off dairy?

[nattrail]

I am currently working on am IEP plan for the school for his hearing...but it is dragging it's feet. I am not sure how to light that fire. I can not, in the IEP for the BM as the former doctor won't write a letter hence me changing doctors. When the issues get really bad the teacher sends him to the nurse and I have to pick him up for the day. We have extra underwear and baby wipes in his bag since the pullup were a failure...he was told he was wearing diapers. ADHD was ruled out so I when I took out milk and diary it made a huge difference. He still gets into trouble but we feel that it may be due to the hearing too. He needs to sit up front but since he can't tell when he has to go he sits in the back. We are hoping the FM device will help. I don't know if it is celiac but after reading what I have been and coming across people who have the it what I am DEMANDING on the first test with this new doctor. Thanks for you replies. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I am going to read with wiht my son to show him that he is not alone.

[Mom23boys]

Kids are mean.

My oldest was still in diapers day and night at 5. Cranial sacral treatment worked for him within a month. You may want to read about it to see if you think it would work (it will at least feel good whether it will work for him or not).

Anyway, I told my son that everyone has their issues. Some are more obvious and some are more hidden but EVERYONE has them. I told him we were so lucky to have our problems...it would be so much harder if we had __ (add in whatever would be harder for him). That has really helped him (along with some karate lessons ) deal with some of the ugly things.

[dbmamaz]

I know what you mean about IEP dragging its feet - after several child study meetings, I said I was sending my son to the gifted program in another school, and the principal looked overjoyed and said that they can do the evaluation process. I requested evaluation as soon as I got there, but they only scheduled them 1 or 2 times per month, and they wanted a chance to get to know him first. They did end up calling for meetings pretty soon, since he was having so much trouble. However, they also started pressuring me to remove him from the gifted program and return him to his home school. I basically refused to take him out of the program until they finished the IEP evaluation, which I do think helped a bit. Funny thing is, when I called the home school to say we might be coming back, the principal kept arguing that he should stay at the other school and have his IEP there instead . . . we were so glad to get out of that school again the next year to a stand-alone specail ed class!

BTW, my son is 11

[Phyllis28]

My son had an IEP from the middle of second grade all the way through high school. The squeeky (but nice) wheel gets the attention. Keep checking with them on the status.

The very few times I was unable to resolve a problem with the school I called the Special Education coordinator at the district office.

Hope everything works out.

[kenlove]

Tell there are two big guys here too, ones a hall of fame football player and ones a mountain climber and we have the same problems as him

and not to worry! We're with him!

Ken

Hey mom's I need your encouragment. We are still trying to find out what is going on with my son. I think I found another doctor but that will be weeks away. He has "accident's" and the kids make fun of him. He has names of stinky man, poop boy, smellie. Kids are mean. The school is not so understanding and told me to see a psychologist. Which I have. The former doctor thinks it was IBS.

I have changed his diet and see an improvemetn in his behavior. He has hearing loss on one side and a few nights ago he told me that he wished the only thing broken was his ear. He is 7 and doesn't want to be with kids anymore. But he wants to find a school where the kids are broken like him. I want to cry just typing this. Mom's...and dad's. what can I do? What do you do to encourage your kids? And how can I help him with the BM accident's.

Thanks for your help.

[April in KC]

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you and your son - or a high five if he'd prefer that.

Please please tell him that he is NOT alone. I have a seven-year-old son with Celiac Disease and a severe peanut allergy. I also have major gluten issues and dermatitis herpetiformis / presumed Celiac by my GI.

There's no two ways about it - kids can be really mean sometimes. I think it's really important to protect him and either get the environment fixed or get him out of the environment.

A couple of ideas - can you go see a pediatric GI? I think they are going to take your son's issues very seriously, and they will check for all kinds of things, from parasites to Celiac. GI issues and diarhhea can be caused by a whole range of conditions, and it is not as easy as running one test to find out what's going on. I think a pediatric GI would understand that it may be a long road to diagnosis, and they would be willing to write a letter to the school stating that your son is being worked up for a number of things, it may take time to get a proper diagnosis, but in the meantime his condition needed to be accommodated as a medical condition, not treated as an issue of parenting or discipline.

The peanut allergy parents have to be very "activist"' in their schools. I know some wonderful people who could give you loads of information on getting an IEP or 504 plan in place for your son. These folks are so willing to share - you might check them out at Open Original Shared Link. You don't have to have a peanut allergy to share there - just introduce yourself in the Schools section, say that April sent you and tell them your questions.

Please please give your son a big hug and tell him that what is wrong has a medical cause and you are going to work very hard to figure it out. Tell him that sometimes these things take time to figure out, but you are not going to give up. I have been there.

When our oldest son was going through his hardest times (behavioral problems and slight gross motor delays were part of his symptoms as well as GI issues), he would sometimes open up at night after he went to bed. We would try to talk through things a little bit. I would sometimes point out that he was capable of being mean to his brothers without really "meaning" it, and try to understand that other kids are not going to always think about how their words hurt. But I would also tell him that he hadn't really found his TRUE friends yet, and when he did that person would accept him just like he is.

About how mean kids can be - I think those insults can be very damaging - try like crazy to get your school to understand that THEY are responsible for not allowing your child to be bullied. I don't have loads of advice, but again I think some parents at the peanut allergy community will have some good advice there. All of the chronic illness communities have so much in common and so much to share.

I am glad you are looking into gluten as a possible cause of your son's GI issues. The fact that some things improved off milk might point to Celiac disease, as intestinal villi damaged by gluten are not able to digest lactose. Consider other food allergies or intolerances, too.

There are also some GI conditions present with other chronic illnesses & autism spectrum disorders.

Sorry - have to go for now. I am going to ask my kids for their view.

April

[April in KC]

Quick update - My oldest son (7) said that if he knew your son, he would not make fun of him, and it reminded him of when some kids made fun of his peanut allergy. He also said to tell your son that he is not alone, we have Celiac Disease, too. He also asked about the possibility of home schooling. My 4-year-old son said that he should tell the kids to stop it.

Best wishes again! - April

[mommida]

(((HUGS))) to you and your family!!

Studies show that children learn in an environment that is loving and safe. ( It was all in the student's perspective not the actual situation i.e. homeschool /public /private.)

We left an unacceptable situation in public school and found an excellent Christian school.

Research other oppurtunities for school. There are many scholarships, some are full scholarships.

Please explain to your son exactly what these "bullies" are... children that are in pain from their homelife. Imagine how it would feel to have your family at home saying/doing awful things to you. These pitifull creatures then lash out at others ( who have done nothing to deserve such treatment) in an attempt to feel better about themselves or "share the pain".

Studies show the "bullies" go on to live quite miserable lives of failed relationships, menial jobs, depression, and a higher suicide rate.

If your son's environment is not supportive to him, it is in my opinion, making him a victim AGAIN.

This is not a situation that should be swept under the rug. My thoughts and prayers are with you for a quick resolution.

[Takala]

A Story.

Once there were tribes of warriors who were so strong they didn't even need bread.

They rowed longboats across the seas and explored and settled many lands in Northern Europe. Many times they were noted for their toughness and their love of battle, and for their light and curly hair and eyes.

Another tribe came up from southern Europe, from around ancient Greece and Rome, and settled in Gaul (France) and Brittain.

Some of them came across the land bridge from Siberia to North American 20,000 years ago. The hunted the herds of bison, elk, reindeer, mammoth, they fished the sea for seal and whale and salmon, they moved south along the shores and out into the prairies and into the mountains. They found corn, beans, squash, and potatoes growing in places in this land where the game was scarce, and made use of it and thrived. They waited for the Europeans to arrive. The ones who stayed behind in Asia learned to grow rice.

The farming Europeans came, and plowed the prairies where the deer and buffalo and cattle used to eat grass, and grew enough wheat to make everyone eat bread instead of potato, maize, or buffalo, and some people thrived. And some did not.

Your son, just like the rest of them, is a descendant of those warriors, not meant to eat the civilized foods of our time but the older foods of those warrior times.

Once he finds the hunter's way again, he will grow strong and healthy.

He will also find out that only the fortunate warriors get to find out these secret things... the others eat bread, but their eating hasn't made them any smarter or wiser or stronger.

Think of horses. They eat no bread, and they are stronger and faster than man.

Think of the Vikings.

Think of the Celts.

Think of the Sioux.

__________________

You didn't say if you had taken him off of all wheat, rye, barley products yet, just the cow dairy stuff, but you did get a very positive response already.

There is no reason I can think of that a regular doctor couldn't run antibody and genetic type tests on this kid to see if he has the gliadin (gluten) antibodies and the DQ genes in his blood, and that should not take months to get into see one. The genetics won't prove anything but it could show if he has the right genes to be included in the group that tends to develop Celiac or gluten intolerance, the antibodies may or may not show up. If the antibodies do show up, that's another step towards formal diagnosis or at least a faster referral.

What you can do is start feeding him as if he is gluten intolerant and see what happens, it won't cost much compared to a deductable, and there is no down side other than if you take somebody off of wheat for awhile their biopsy may come out negative, BUT, since he is a little kid, his future endoscopy biopsy may come out negative anyway, as his blood tests.

You can feed him a gluten free breakfast and pack him a gluten free lunch, and instruct him he MUST wash his hands before he eats it, and from now on he needs to keep his fingers out of his mouth at school and don't eat other kid's junk food because he's special enough he rates Warrior Food., Pemmican, or Elven Waybread or whatever you want to call it. School cafeteria lunches are NOT your friend, ( I bet 20 people reading this just winced at the memory, gaaaaaah ) nor are the gross little manufactured Frankenfood grain byproducts many parents send to school to be distributed as "rewards" or "holiday treats." He can still eat an awful lot of normal looking stuff once you figure out how to shop for it or make it.

Try it and see what happens, throw a post into the Shopping forum if you need help with brands and grocery lists.

[ryebaby0]

My 14 y.o. says some people make fun of you no matter what. Some people are mean no matter what. Everyone has something wrong somehow, it's just that some you can see. And he adds, too bad it's not okay to hit people, because some people are asking for it....

...Whoever is working on the IEP slowly needs to be reminded every few days you are still here. The nice-but-squeaky wheel is the way to go. Go over heads. Don't fool yourself -- private schools are full of mean kids, too.

...We went with Good Nites, which are less diaper-y. It's no more mortifying than accidents! Have a meeting with the teacher. Get her/him on your side. Show them the pain this is causing. Work together.

...Give yourselves a break and do something fun, even if it's just renting a movie. Don't pity him, just love him. Tell the school if they are not willing to address the bullying problem, you will just have to contact these parents yourself. (But don't! -- it will just make them worse)

..For your son, you want to model strength, advocacy, tolerance, and humor. He will need all of those!

joanna

[April in KC]

Good stuff - your comment about GoodNights reminded me that there is a new kind of GoodNights that look like boxer shorts. My oldest wears them at night. The waist band (if one became visible) just looks like a dark green elastic waistband. So I doubt kids would be aware that it was a pull-up if they saw it.

[Glutenfreefamily]

I would consider homeschooling or another kind of schooling to help him get through. Kids are so mean and it breaks my heart of what he is enduring. Unfortunately once you get pegged for a certain kind of teasing its hard to break from that and it kills your self esteem. I would do what I had to do to make him comfortable. I was homeschooled for many years and loved it. Im sure there are homeschooling groups in the area for him to make some new friends so he can have the socialization still there. My daughter will be homeschooled as of next year and I can link to some websites if you want. There are a few homeschoolers on this board.

[slee]

I wish I could rememeber what they are called... but a parent just told me the other day (I'm a parent educator) that they not make underwear that is a step between pull-up and underwear. It looks like underwear but has a disposable liner... it might be an option. If he has a problem he can throw the liner, and put in a new one, and no one would know it wasn't regular underwear... like I said I wish I remembered what it is called, but look on the internet if interested and see if you can find them. Or see what the good-nights boxers are like.

[home-based-mom]

Unfortunately the damage has been done in the minds of your son's classmates. Homeschooling should definitely be considered as an option. Kids *are* mean and words *do* hurt.

There was a family at my church whose children were bright but just "marched to a different drummer." The other kids at school basically ate them for lunch and totally destroyed their self-confidence. The parents made the decision to switch to home school and the kids are flourishing because no one is making fun of them.

There are plenty of social options besides school. Home school groups go on field trips. There are other activities he can get involved in, depending on what his interests are.

I can't imaging having to spend every day with people who make fun of you and call you names. Shame shame shame on the school for not only tolerating but condoning that behavior. Isn't bullying illegal?

I still remember Dr. Dobson saying one time that when he taught school long ago, his classroom was a safe haven for all. It was explained that such behavior was not going to be tolerated. Period. He pointed out the each child had something - something - they really hoped no one else ever found out about. Whatever it was, they would rather die than be teased about it, and they were not to tease anybody else about anything else.

Too bad all teachers don't follow his example.