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Please Help Me Save My Marriage

ERR

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ERR Apprentice
ERR
Posted

I was diagnosed with Celiac a couple of weeks ago. I am now gluten free and feel like I am coming out of a fog that I have been in for years. For me Celiac led to depression, irritability and fatigue. Particularly for the last 5 years it has made me a lousy miserable tired person to be around. My wife, who I love more than anything has had a tough time with me the last few years. Basically she told me right around the time of my diagnosis that she had enough and wanted a divorce. She will not go to counseling. She will not give me a chance to show how going gluten free has changed me. I feel terrible for how I have been for the past years. But I am completely convinced since my diagnosis that I am better and that I can finally be happier and healthier and give her and our two young kids the life that they deserve.

Anyway that brings me to my challenge. How do I show my wife that Celiac disease was what was beating me down? How do I show her that since my diagnosis I can be a changed man? Please help. I am desperate.

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celiac-mommy Collaborator
celiac-mommy
Posted

Kind of a touchy subject. I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. The one thing I know is that you cannot control what she wants, how she feels, thinks, etc... All you can do is ask for another chance. What she does with that is on her. Put your focus into living your best life, taking care of yourself, healing, becoming the man you want to be. Hopefully she will see this and make her decision then.

ERR Apprentice
ERR
Posted
  • Author

More specifically I am looking for scientific studies that show the link between Celiac and depression, fatigue and irritability. I have done the Google searches, but I imagine people in this community are very familiar with the existing literature and could perhaps point me in the right direction.

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

jerseyangel Proficient
jerseyangel
Posted

ERR,

Welcome! :)

After your wife has a look at the studies Jestgar put up, invite her to look around here, read, and post with her concerns and fears. There are many, many instances where the gluten-free diet has been lifechanging--not only for the individual with the intolerance, but their families too.

Best of luck to you both!

Jestgar Rising Star
Jestgar
Posted
ERR,

Welcome! :)

After your wife has a look at the studies Jestgar put up, invite her to look around here, read, and post with her concerns and fears.

This, I think, is the best plan. When it comes to something as personal as loving someone, all the studies in the world won't have the same impact as one person saying "gluten changes me". Maybe your wife will be reminded that she fell in love with you, and it's only the gluten that she can't live with.

Judyin Philly Enthusiast
Judyin Philly
Posted
Maybe your wife will be reminded that she fell in love with you, and it's only the gluten that she can't live with.

I agreed with what everyone said but love what Jess wrote.

I've been married for 44 years and 20 were un dx'd with celiac. The last 9 have been the worst but.........

I didn't have small children at this time of dx 3 1/2 years ago........but it took a toll on the marriage but if she can see your really trying now you know how to 'fix' it, maybe it will help her remember who you were and you 2 can grow together.

i sure hope so

Maybe she can come on here and read so she's knows how hard this dx is on marriages and extended family members.

good luck

Were here to help you if you need.

Judy

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ang1e0251 Contributor
ang1e0251
Posted

I agree that reading people's true life stories and struggles on this website changed my attitude and increased my overall knowledge of celiac disease. If she's confidant enough to do so, she could come to the section that is for family of a celiac patient. If she poses any questions, she will receive many truthfull and heartfelt answers that may help her to empathize with you. I don't think a study would change my mind to be honest.

It could be good for her to come to this forum even if she is firm in her resolve because you have children. If you have celiac disease, they might struggle with it some day and your wife should be preparing herself to guard their health.

Good luck to you.

mindiloo Rookie
mindiloo
Posted

I would also print out some of the posts in here about parents saying how badly gluten changes they're childrens' behavior...

https://www.celiac.com/gluten-free/lofivers...php/t10602.html

https://www.celiac.com/gluten-free/index.ph...;show=&st=0

i know there are more than this as well, they should show her that it seriously affects behavior. I'm sure there are people on this forum who wouldn't mind emailing back and forth with your wife to help her understand what has been going on.

She may also just need time to figure out what she wants and to see that you really are different now. Try asking for a separation or a break instead of a divorce so you have time to show her you've changed.

good luck!

ERR Apprentice
ERR
Posted
  • Author
She may also just need time to figure out what she wants and to see that you really are different now. Try asking for a separation or a break instead of a divorce so you have time to show her you've changed.

good luck!

Thank you Mindiloo. And thank you everyone.

rumbles Newbie
rumbles
Posted

Hi ERR,

You might want to see if one of the celiac support groups in your area

is going to have a meeting in the near future, and if so, you might want

to gently suggest that the two of you go together. Meeting others that

are dealing with this and hear what they've been through could help.

Some links are pasted below, - look in support, and also for links to other

support groups/organizations.

~rumbles.

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Open Original Shared Link

Judyin Philly Enthusiast
Judyin Philly
Posted
Meeting others that are dealing with this and hear what they've been through could help.

Some links are pasted below,

such a good idea.

we don't have a support group near us but when my hubby went to a neighborhood block party we happened to sit with a couple with children and the husband was ceiliac as were the kids.

It was good for Jim to hear how other couples were struggleing with this esp. the social aspect and eat out etc. and attending functions that included food or company dinners.

good luck again........... :)

Judy

  • 2 weeks later...
mastiffmommy Newbie
mastiffmommy
Posted
I was diagnosed with Celiac a couple of weeks ago. I am now gluten free and feel like I am coming out of a fog that I have been in for years. For me Celiac led to depression, irritability and fatigue. Particularly for the last 5 years it has made me a lousy miserable tired person to be around. My wife, who I love more than anything has had a tough time with me the last few years. Basically she told me right around the time of my diagnosis that she had enough and wanted a divorce. She will not go to counseling. She will not give me a chance to show how going gluten free has changed me. I feel terrible for how I have been for the past years. But I am completely convinced since my diagnosis that I am better and that I can finally be happier and healthier and give her and our two young kids the life that they deserve.

Anyway that brings me to my challenge. How do I show my wife that Celiac disease was what was beating me down? How do I show her that since my diagnosis I can be a changed man? Please help. I am desperate.

Read everything you can at www.divorcebusting.com and get the book.

My marriage is holding on my a thread, we are seeing mediators but still with a couselor. We have been separated for a year, I have an 18 month old son. It is awful. All because of my misdiagnosed Celiac. www.divorcebusting.com and the book got me to the point were he said he wanted to reconcile, I had it in my hand, then it was gone because of something that happened. My post is choppy and weird because I have been crying most of tonight. Good luck. I am sure there are a lot of us out there.

IT IS THE GLUTEN. If any "normal" person was put into our bodies while sick for even 5 minutes they would ask to be brought to the hospital.

During my darkest moments I thank God that I was diagnosed before it killed me. Lost 100 pounds in 7 months etc. the whole works, losing hair, heart trouble, shaking, lost vision etc. psychiatric issues... All gone now.

Again, no matter what I try to tell myself I am not dead and can get through this. Even if I am divorced, I still have my beautiful son who is worth all of this hell.

Yeah, go read that book. Keep me posted.

It took a REALLY long time for my husband to believe it was the Gluten. Don't push your wife and get the Divorce Busting Book right away before you do things that will push her further away.

mastiffmommy Newbie
mastiffmommy
Posted

One more thing regarding that website: Open Original Shared Link

linsmad Rookie
linsmad
Posted

My husband was dx with celiac about 6 yrs ago. He was completely fine and then all of a sudden had terrible stomach issues and lost almost 40 pounds over a few months. He never had the irritability that many people have described. Oddly enough-he does now! Whenever he ingests the slightest (and I mean slightest) amount of gluten he becomes a totally different human being (and not a very nice one!). I know first hand how hard it is to seperate the disease from the person in these situations. This "gluten volatility" that my husband suffers can last for days on end! We have two children and they are starting to be able to tell the difference when he has been accidentally glutened. My best advice to you is to follow your path on the gluten-free diet. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself first so you wife can see first hand the changes you have made in yourself. As for me-I can understand to a certain degree these mood swings and things-but it is so hard for my kids and other family member to understand.

rumbles Newbie
rumbles
Posted

Mastiffmommy,

My heart is breaking, as I can feel some of the pain that you must be going

through in your words, and I wish you the best and happiest of outcomes,

quickly! Please be strong, and realize that you are important, and that you

will be stronger for all that happens. There will be happier days ahead, and

I hope that they approach quickly. In the meantime, embrace your health

and inner strength, and know that there are people here that care for you.

krystal Rookie
krystal
Posted

One of the things I hate the most is the psychological changes it brings about in me. UGH!

I get pissy, anxious, can't sleep (thank you, Modified Food Starch for my late posting this evening...) and let's not even mention the amount of time I've spend in BED so sick I couldn't move and DH had to take care of everything for me... for weeks on end...

(OK, make that 2 years, but who's counting)

However, the fact that it is causing your behavioral changes may or may not affect her decision to stick with you. You know her best, see if you can't sit down and talk with her - as rational as you can with as few distractions as possible - and instead of begging her to hear you out, listen to what her issues/concerns are. It may not be all about one thing, and you won't know until you ask.

  • 1 month later...
mastiffmommy Newbie
mastiffmommy
Posted
I was diagnosed with Celiac a couple of weeks ago. I am now gluten free and feel like I am coming out of a fog that I have been in for years. For me Celiac led to depression, irritability and fatigue. Particularly for the last 5 years it has made me a lousy miserable tired person to be around. My wife, who I love more than anything has had a tough time with me the last few years. Basically she told me right around the time of my diagnosis that she had enough and wanted a divorce. She will not go to counseling. She will not give me a chance to show how going gluten free has changed me. I feel terrible for how I have been for the past years. But I am completely convinced since my diagnosis that I am better and that I can finally be happier and healthier and give her and our two young kids the life that they deserve.

Anyway that brings me to my challenge. How do I show my wife that Celiac disease was what was beating me down? How do I show her that since my diagnosis I can be a changed man? Please help. I am desperate.

Hi ERR,

I wanted to make sure you knew to take some really good supplements. At least in my case it helped me build my body back faster. The ones available at CVS were awful on my system, but I got sent to a nutritionist who was more on the homeopathic side and the stuff is GREAT. I wish you luck and hope to hear an update. Could not reply to PM for some reason.

GottaSki Mentor
GottaSki
Posted

Here is something my husband has had a difficult time with - Guilt.

I went undiagnosed for our entire 22 year marriage. Over the years I have had many unexplained illnesses, was told it was depression or simply in my head. I knew this to be untrue (most of the time). My husband believed this to be untrue (most of the time).

Now that I have finally been diagnosed it has been hard for him to admit that he wore blinders alot of the time that I was sick -- he now "sees" more of the symptoms and is recalling many times that he did think it was all in my head and feels a great deal of guilt for dismissing my obvious symptoms (obvious now as hindsight is always 20/20).

Marriage is tough for a whole host of reasons. There has been excellent advise in this thread. Be honest with your wife. She may be more inclined to work with you once she can see changes in you, not just hearing of the changes that will come.

Also, please remember that these first months and years (in some cases) after diagnosis still have rocky times...I am just about two months gluten-free and have had some very rough times as well as many wonderful days that encourage me to know that the best is yet to come.

Hang in there and congrats on the diagnosis...it was great news in our home!

nutralady2001 Newbie
nutralady2001
Posted
Read everything you can at www.divorcebusting.com and get the book.

My marriage is holding on my a thread, we are seeing mediators but still with a couselor. We have been separated for a year, I have an 18 month old son. It is awful. All because of my misdiagnosed Celiac. www.divorcebusting.com and the book got me to the point were he said he wanted to reconcile, I had it in my hand, then it was gone because of something that happened. My post is choppy and weird because I have been crying most of tonight. Good luck. I am sure there are a lot of us out there.

IT IS THE GLUTEN. If any "normal" person was put into our bodies while sick for even 5 minutes they would ask to be brought to the hospital.

During my darkest moments I thank God that I was diagnosed before it killed me. Lost 100 pounds in 7 months etc. the whole works, losing hair, heart trouble, shaking, lost vision etc. psychiatric issues... All gone now.

Again, no matter what I try to tell myself I am not dead and can get through this. Even if I am divorced, I still have my beautiful son who is worth all of this hell.

Yeah, go read that book. Keep me posted.

It took a REALLY long time for my husband to believe it was the Gluten. Don't push your wife and get the Divorce Busting Book right away before you do things that will push her further away.

((Hugs)) My husband left me after 23 years of marriage because he didn't believe I was sick. Actually told me if he thought I was really sick he wouldn't go.............. was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease the following year He can't even say it's my imagination I have the biopsy and blood tests to prove it!

Nearly 50 years of being undiagnosed has left me with permanent health problems so if I can't have a husband who supports me in my quest for health I'm better off without him, it's taken me 4 years to get to this stage.

You have your beautiful little boy.............. hang in there !

ianm Apprentice
ianm
Posted

I have been there and all you can do is try. My wife left me because men are not supposed to get sick and I couldn't take care of her. Uh, yeah, this is the 21st century right? Turns out I was far better off without her and have thanked her for leaving me. I hope you can turn things around.

Nancym Enthusiast
Nancym
Posted

Check out all the studies and stuff in The Gluten File (in my signature). Good luck! I hope you can convince her.

  • 4 weeks later...
kerds Newbie
kerds
Posted
such a good idea.

we don't have a support group near us but when my hubby went to a neighborhood block party we happened to sit with a couple with children and the husband was ceiliac as were the kids.

It was good for Jim to hear how other couples were struggleing with this esp. the social aspect and eat out etc. and attending functions that included food or company dinners.

good luck again........... :)

Judy

Judy...good advice you have been giving!! I am back on CC!! I finally got a new address and a new entry + name. I also wish these new people 'good luck' on educating there spouses about the Gluten Problem. It is a lot of work but worth every bit of it. I am sooo much better than I was 5 years ago..a long learning curve...also has helped to get my non working gallbladder removed 2 weeks ago. Finally found someone to do the test and found mine needed to come out. I have a new address, do you Judy? not evie anymore...am gerds!!

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