Husband Recently Diagnosed, A Few Issues

[cutecat]

Hi everyone, I'm new. DH was diagnosed with celiac disease about a month ago and since going on a gluten-free diet has done very well. He has not gotten sick once since then, which is such a huge improvement! I'm grateful that we've finally figured out what the problem is. My concern is that he's not taking responsibility of managing this disease. For example, we bought two books, and who read them both? Me. He hasn't even looked at either of them. He still doesn't really know which foods are gluten-free and which aren't and will often ask me "can I eat this?" When we go out to eat he absolutely refuses to ask for a gluten-free menu or tell the server he has celiac disease. He'll look up gluten-free menus online ahead of time (if I remind him) to see what he can order but that's about it. The only thing he's done is research and buy gluten-free beer. I have no problem helping him, but I don't think I should be fully responsible for managing this. He needs to take some responsibility. Is this type of thing common? I didn't know if it was a form of denial, or what. I know it has to be a huge adjustment. Thanks for any advice.

[Nancy Kotlowski]

Wow, reading your post makes me feel as though I wrote it. My husband too was diagnosed a month ago and I am the one reading the info and so on and so on. If I hear "can I eat this" one more time, I think I will throw up. LOL. I am not sure what to tell you as this is new to me also. But what I have done is get enough info to get started. Then I politely (most of the time) remind him that I am not his mother but his spouse. If he wants to have a normal husband/wife relationship we need to be partners. Also, do not be an enabler. That is what I do. It is the worse thing. I get to feel bad (like you do if it were your child) and then I dive in. Then when he is not enthusiastic about what you found out, you feel unappreciated, again. I think I love hearing a doctor or dietian say to him "boy you are lucky to have someone taking care of you." It is a behavior we have to change. Believe it or not, they will live and can live without us. Just remind him once in a while that if you were not there to help him what would he do.

I am going out of town for a week and he will have to fend for himself. I guess he will be living on Corn or Rice Chex.

We go back to the doctor on the 1st of July. I have a list of questions about items I have heard/read about since seeing him last. Once he hears some of the answers I think we will be hearing he will have no choice but to become active in his own disease. Good luck to you.

[tarnalberry]

Have you told him this? If you generally have done most of the cooking/shopping before, it's not such a stretch to assume that you'll continue to handle it all - which includes finding what foods are gluten free or not.

[kenlove]

After 33 years together, I know my wife well enough to know I better take responsibility for what I put in my mouth.

I bought a number of books which we both read but I know if I asked her if I could et this she would say she didnt know and its up to me.

We have to take responsibility for ourselves and our bodies and health. I dont want to have to depend on others even after 33 good yers together.

I so dont feel she should suffer and not be able to eat things that I can no longer have although I do insist that they are kept separate and no cross contamination. -- I still think its my job to know what I can and cant eat.

ken

[Foxfire62]

Before my mom passed away, I learned that she made many decisions even for my dad, at least according to him. Sounds like a husband who very much relies. I don't know if this is a common problem or not. Just my 2 cents worth.

Sounds like he has a wonderful wife to take care of him!

[cutecat]

Sounds like a husband who very much relies.

Yes, he absolutely does rely on me to do a lot for him. That's very accurate! I also do all of the shopping and cooking, but I still think he needs to take more responsibility. We've discussed it but I haven't pushed the issue since the diagnosis was so recent. Maybe it's time to have a more serious discussion.

[darkhorse]

It also sounds like he may be having trouble coping with the diagnosis and it is easier for him to handle if he isn't the one that is dealing with it directly. Just something to consider. My husband is the same way about things he isn't happy about. He tends to ignore the issue and pushes it off to me to figure everything out. This can get very annoying but I have come to realize that it is just the way he handles stressful situations. So you might talk to him about how he is feeling about the diagnosis. Just a thought.

[mamaw]

My suggestion is to hire KenLove from this post & have him spend a month teaching your mates!!!!

Honestly, When I go away I tell the kids to tell my soul mate where the extra toilet paper is!!!!He has no idea about the place he calls home.......

I think this is harder for men as they seem to think if they don't think about it it will go away. Out of sight out of mind. And that way they can blame someone else if they get ill.....unless your man likes being in the kitchen scene I think most just can't get this until they get really ill. My Sil loves to cook so he jumped right on this & he is not celiac. I do think they should know how to find, &eat gluten-free so if ever they need to be responsible for there well being they can eat..

Its kinda like childbirth--- many guys are afraid to hold or change or bathe the baby. They have a ton of reasons why they shouldn't clean up puke & poop right! Well, some night just leave for a night -out & let them fend for themselves & if they get hungry enough they will figure it out...... Great incentive for the next outing for you...

Ladies I'm sure there are many in the same position.... good luck

mamaw

[OptimisticMom42]

Maybe you need to draw a line in the sand. Make it clear to yourself and to your husband what you are and are not comfortable doing. Maybe you will provide gluten free meals in the house but what he puts in his mouth outside of the house is on him. You will not order for him or cut up his meat and spoon feed him.

If you are actually enjoying learning all this new stuff then you really can't use it as a weapon in your next PMS screaming fit. OK maybe that's just me........

[kenlove]

In the 60s my middle name was free but now I have to charge!

I always changed diapers too which I do not let my kids forget...much to their dismay.

I guess I"ll never understand why men dont take a more active roll in their own life-- although I'm sure my wife would have something to say since I can never find the communal kitchen tools!

My suggestion is to hire KenLove from this post & have him spend a month teaching your mates!!!!

...mamaw

[Michi8]

Hi everyone, I'm new. DH was diagnosed with celiac disease about a month ago and since going on a gluten-free diet has done very well. He has not gotten sick once since then, which is such a huge improvement! I'm grateful that we've finally figured out what the problem is. My concern is that he's not taking responsibility of managing this disease. For example, we bought two books, and who read them both? Me. He hasn't even looked at either of them. He still doesn't really know which foods are gluten-free and which aren't and will often ask me "can I eat this?" When we go out to eat he absolutely refuses to ask for a gluten-free menu or tell the server he has celiac disease. He'll look up gluten-free menus online ahead of time (if I remind him) to see what he can order but that's about it. The only thing he's done is research and buy gluten-free beer. I have no problem helping him, but I don't think I should be fully responsible for managing this. He needs to take some responsibility. Is this type of thing common? I didn't know if it was a form of denial, or what. I know it has to be a huge adjustment. Thanks for any advice.

My husband does this with everything...I think it's common husband behaviour...like with refusing to consult a map, or ask for directions. There's no way he's going to research health issues. And if his order is wrong at a restaurant, he couldn't be bothered to go through the hassle of having it corrected.

That said, at least yours got a diagnosis and is seeing positive results. Perhaps, over time, reminders and repetition will drum the dos and don'ts into his head. I can't even get my husband to go to the Dr for a check up....there's no way he'll get tested for celiac on top of that (and I really think he needs to get tested!) I'm afraid it's going to take a really scary health issue to get him into the doctor's office.

Michelle

[mamaw]

Hey Ken

Isn't it funny how things have changed since the 60"s... Believe me I laughed long & hard over your statement...

Is that statement the reason your wife married you????

I loved the old 60's but the age 60's sucks.....

I'll be watching this post to see if you get hired!!!! You would have to leave the sun & sand!!!

blessings

mamaw

[kenlove]

>I loved the old 60's but the age 60's sucks.....<<

Truer words were never spoken!

I work for gluten-free low carb food! (If there is such a thing that is edible)

Not sure I'm ready to leave Hawaii now, especially after working a month in India!

Maybe getting some of those guys sent out here would make it more palatable!

ken

Hey Ken

Isn't it funny how things have changed since the 60"s... Believe me I laughed long & hard over your statement...

Is that statement the reason your wife married you????

I loved the old 60's but the age 60's sucks.....

I'll be watching this post to see if you get hired!!!! You would have to leave the sun & sand!!!

blessings

mamaw