Questions About Dating...

[Guest cbphl]

I'm newly diagnosed and although married, was thinking about the challenges of dating for those with Celiac Disease. My wife has been great about adopting a new lifestyle, but I sympathize with those that are currently in the dating scene and have to gently broach the subject of Celiac. So, I'm curious...and maybe the answer to this question is based on the demographic...would you like to date/marry someone who also has Celiac and/or other food allergies or would you understandably prefer to date/marry someone that does NOT have the disease and hence the markers to possibly be passed onto future generations? Although the diet/lifestyle can obviously be shared with partners that do not have the disease, I gather that the commitment may be greater if both parties are working towards a consequential healthy future.

Anyhow, I met someone today at the store who has Celiac and felt bad for her. She is newly single, with 3 children and was sharing with me some of the challenges she's had over the past decade. Although I thankfully have not had the litany of physical ailments she has had, I could certainly empathize with the cognitive and mental health issues she described. I would think that if kids are not an issue -- either you do not want them or have already had children -- a partner with the disease might be a positive commonality...no? Thoughts?

[Celiactapper]

This question has been raised before and received a plethora of responses. I've been separated for nearly two years, and I thought that I would probably enjoy getting back into the dating scene once I'm divorced. However, after perusing dating sites, I realized that it would be difficult to present myself to someone through this type of medium when I have such restrictions to my diet. I recall that several men said something akin to, "If you're a picky eater, then I'm not your guy," in their descriptions of what they were looking for in a partner. Almost everyone seemed to state that they enjoyed barbecues, dining by candlelight, and other activities along those lines. I just didn't seem to fit in anywhere....and concluded that when I'm finally single, I won't be using the dating site route.

Personally, I think that having a partner who must always accommodate my diet may eventually cause resentment or embarrassment in the relationship. I mean, what if we were to stop by his parents' house unannounced, and Mom just happened to be cooking the world's most wonderful dinner ("my son's favorite childhood dish...."). It would really make me feel bad to tell her that I couldn't eat her meal, and I'd assume that my boyfriend would feel bad for both his mom AND me. Also, the idea of getting kissed by a man who has just taken a swig of beer or a bite of a sandwich actually fills me with fear--kind of cuts down on the romance, don't you think? For me, Id very much prefer dating/marrying a man who has celiac or is gluten intolerant--life would just be easier.

Now, one might think that finding another celiac would be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystake. However, we have something to our advantage: many of us have faces their mirror other celiacs'. Dr. Peter Green spoke at the Annual Conference of the Gluten Intolerance Group in Seattle last year and mentioned that an Italian study had shown that celiacs' facial bones set later in life. This causes our facial bones to fall at different points on our faces than "normal" people's facial bones. Since studies have shown that people are attracted to others whose faces mirror their own, it makes sense that we tend to be attracted to one another. This would certainly explain why so many people discover later in life that BOTH partners have celiac...and never knew it. At celiac conferences across the nation, I've noticed sparks fly between men and women with celiac, and I've personally met a man who knocked my socks off (at that particular conference). It's like an immediate infatuation. So....if you have celiac and feel that there's no hope that you'll ever find someone like you, don't worry--nature is working to your advantage. (And attending celiac conferences helps, too!)

[txplowgirl]

Well, for me, my 8 year relationship ended a couple of months ago because he just couldn't understand that I needed to be as careful about cross contamination as I needed to be. He kept contaminating me and making me sick. Granted there were other problems but that was a major issue.

As far as dating. I would rather date someone who has this than not because until someone knows what you are going through it would be too much of a headache trying to stay healthy around them, in my opinion of course, but I am one of the super sensitive ones too.

As far as children. Simply Put. I would still have them if I could.

[Lexxieepooh]

That's a good question! Maybe it's my personality, but when I would date while I was single, I was never nervous about telling someone that I can't eat wheat. Even though it can cause problems while looking for where to eat out, it wasn't usually an issue. Most of the people I would choose to date would be sympathetic to that fact that I can't eat in the world the way others can.

I met my boyfriend while gluten free. He is mostly vegan, which is already a health-conscious and restricted diet. He understands what it is like to have a preference or even a need for what he eats/doesn't eat, so he is very understanding of my situation. Now he's not the only one making specialty orders at restaurants! He's also not convinced that eating wheat is very good for anyone, so he's more than happy to eat gluten free with me.

I was vegetarian/dairy free when I became gluten free, which was even more difficult than just a gluten-free diet! Now I have someone I can eat organic gluten-free vegan meals with as though it's the most normal thing in the world.

I would suggest that finding someone with a health conscious attitude toward eating is the way to go!

[Guest cbphl]

Great replies!! Celiactapper...very interesting about facial similarities and recognition. I gather that if I were single, I wouldn't initially be too concerned about sharing Celiac info. with a date or others. In fact, I was vacationing at my aunt and uncle's not too long ago, and my aunt was chomping at the bit to tell anyone that would listen that I had Celiac. I love my aunt and didn't mind, but I think that many others would mind. However, I think that I might be more concerned about the effects of the diet limitations on my partner over time...particularly the initial break-in period. Since I'm new to the disease, I'm sure that I have been 'glutened' on numerous occasions and not even thought twice about it...such as kissing my wife after she may have consumed something with gluten in it. I'm fortunate, as I mentioned, in that she has been very supportive, but I recognize not all partners are that way.

Dating is so complex, regardless, that the disease just can't make it any easier. Yet, I had a Lasik consult this morning and the admin has Celiac. She noticed on my paper work that I had Celiac and immediately engaged me in conversation. We talked at length about the disease. Since I'm newly diagnosed, I had all sorts of questions. She apparently had been diagnosed over 3-years ago, but has 8 family members all confirmed Celiac positive, so she has a sounding board. I don't know of any other family members that have Celiac, atleast none of the 'still living' ones, so I don't have a local sounding board. Anyhow, I noticed an immediate connection that I think would serve the dating community well.

Not to in any way minimize the disease, but I would think that since it so deeply impacts your lifestyle, that it's like an obsessive hobby, world view, lifestyle shared by partners. Something along those line would form a bond, but for a partner on the outside, it might be very divisive. Are there dating site(s) or resources online for Celiacs?

[Skylark]

I've been on a few dates since I stopped eating gluten and it just wasn't a big deal. The guys I have gone out with let me pick the restaurant and order as I need. Everyone in their 40s and 50s seems to be watching their diets for some reason or another, whether it's counting calories, watching sodium, or trying to eat for cardiovascular health.

As far as markers and passing the disease on, I am too old for kids so it's a non-issue. To be honest, I was much more concerned about passing on bipolar illness than I am about gluten intolerance. (Ironic that one caused the other, no?)

[scarlett77]

Maybe it is my personality but I just don't see it as such a huge factor in the relationship. My thinking is that it is like any other health issue someone may have. I wouldn't be turned off because someone has a certain diet, vs. say someone in a wheel chair. It just doesn't seem like an issue to me. Personality, goals, chemistry...those are way more important to me than what someone eats. I was a teen mom and while it was a difficult topic and a difficult part of dating, I didn't find it impossible.

I guess I would rather try to make lemonade. I am not Celiac. My son is and I believe that my husband may also be. I eat gluten free 99% of the time for their health. My makeup, skincare, etc. is gluten free. I have to say that since making our household gluten-free, we eat cleaner and healthier and gave me a whole new appreciation for food.

[Jeanniebug]

I just feel like any guy that would not date me because I have to eat gluten-free should get lost. Most of the men I have dated have been sooooo supportive and actually seemed to enjoy the challenge of finding restaurants and things we could eat. One guy would actually make me "love offerings" of gluten-free strawberry shortcake, gluten-free cheesecake, and other goodies.

The last guy I went on a couple dates with, actually did seem bummed I could not eat super-spicey Thai food, Chinese food, and basically whatever I wanted. He is a world traveler, and his last girlfriend could. Then again, he seemed to still be hung up on her. However...she sends him text messages ranting and calling him names...so if that is the sort of "classy" he is looking for, I guess they can run off together and eat Thai food and argue all the time. haha. What's really ironic is this guy can't eat sugar or rice! But, he brought up the gluten-free issue one too many times as if it were bothering HIM. I stopped returning his messages.

I've been through serious chronic illness before I was diagnosed w/Celiac's. My now-ex-husband left me when I was sick and needed him most. So, I know how it feels to be shunned for health problems. But I can promise you now that I'm doing better...if someone would walk out on you for having to avoid gluten they will surely not stick around if you had something like cancer. They walk among us, but I would not date anyone who is that shallow.

J

[SGWhiskers]

I'm happily married, but this reminded me of a comment someone made. I was out to lunch with a friend at a GIG restaurant at 11:00 am to avoid the rush. I told the waitress I would need to order off the gluten free menu and she went into an offensive rant about a man with celiac she went out with a few times. She literally said "Who would want to date someone who had to eat like that?" I wanted to punch her, but I wanted a safe meal more so I didn't piss her off until after the food arrived. It really made me think "Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like you?" Better off finding out early that a person is intolerant of inconveniences.

[kitgordon]

I'm happily married, but this reminded me of a comment someone made. I was out to lunch with a friend at a GIG restaurant at 11:00 am to avoid the rush. I told the waitress I would need to order off the gluten free menu and she went into an offensive rant about a man with celiac she went out with a few times. She literally said "Who would want to date someone who had to eat like that?" I wanted to punch her, but I wanted a safe meal more so I didn't piss her off until after the food arrived. It really made me think "Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like you?" Better off finding out early that a person is intolerant of inconveniences.

Wow, how incredibly rude! Did you leave her a tip?

[anabananakins]

It's an interesting question. I'm single but I don't date - haven't for years. With friends I find it easiest to research a few places and then get them to pick, and I guess I'd do the same with a date. In my experience, guys like it when you can pick a place, it takes the pressure off them choosing. And I'd tell them early on so they didn't get ideas about surprising me with a home cooked meal (though really, I should be so lucky).

I don't know yet how I'd handle the cross contamination from kissing issue!

I think I'd prefer someone easy going and understanding about this, than someone specifically celiac (and I'm not diagnosed anyway so the last thing I need is someone who is diagnosed minimalising my reactions when I'm not officially celiac). A guy who respects that this is how it's going to be and is happy to go along with that. Of course, if this imaginary man were strictly gluten free it would be awesome!

've found my friends' reactions interesting. All are sympathetic, but some so much more proactive than others. One friend, who hasn't known me nearly as long as the others have, prepared a very safe meal for shortly after I went gluten free and I was so touched by her thoughtfulness (I hadn't even considered eating there, I had snack bars). Others are sympathetic in a 'sucks to be you' kind of way and are happy for me to pick the restaurant and that's fine seeing as we only catch up once a month or so but I don't know if that'd be sustainable in a romantic relationship. I figure with dating, there'd be people like my friends and those much less sympathetic. I agree that it's a good test of a good person, since if someone can't deal with something as simple as this I don't want to sign up for life with them!

[sandsurfgirl]

I don't think dating with celiac is a big deal unless you make it one. I think if you go into great detail about your ailments with someone you hardly know, that's a big deal. I know it's not an allergy but I would say "I have a food allergy and I have to be careful about what I eat." Make sure you go to a restaurant where you can eat. Call ahead.

I think it's all in the way you approach the subject and if you go TMI right away or play it cool.

[Cheryl-C]

I've been with my boyfriend a little over 6 months now, and I went gluten-free about 2 months ago. He's been very supportive, asking a lot of questions, helping me find restaurants, etc. I know it gets frustrating for him though. Last night he said that it's sometimes frustrating that we can't always eat out, and I know that's true; I do feel bad for him, it's a big change. I don't expect him to jump for joy that I can't just go out last-minute and eat whatever, and I'm ok that he has his moments of frustration. (I have my moments of frustration too!) But he's been great to try different foods with me, and even though we don't keep gluten-free homes (we don't live together but spend a lot of time, especially in my home) I haven't been cc'd.

Patience, understanding. Eating gluten-free has helped him eat healthier, and it keeps me feeling good, so he's supportive. I in turn don't expect him to be gluten-free all the time, and understand that he has moments of "I wish we could just go to the pub for dinner!"

[WheatChef]

I wonder if it's easier for some groups than others, WseekingM, MseekingW, MseekingM etc. I have certainly met men before who have joked about never calling a girl back before because she was a picky eater on their date. I can only assume this sort of attitude isn't completely monopolized by the straight male demographic. Alternatively I've dated plenty of vegetarian women before who's diets I have been more than happy and willing to accommodate. Now with the gluten-free restriction on my meals and drinks I've found that I have to be somewhat more creative with the date ideas just so it isn't the only focal point of the date, although being in Portland it's not hard at all to find a nice variety of gluten-free or gluten-free-accommodating restaurants.

The facial characteristics theory is fascinating! Does anyone have a link or the title/authors of the paper? I know I certainly have a young looking face enough that I can get confused for being 10 years younger easily and my father whom I received these genes from has the same situation.

[Cheryl-C]

A couple of posters have mentioned people talking about "picky eaters." I really, really hope that no one has been called "picky" on a date because of needing to eat gluten-free (or whatever-free) due to an allergy/intolerance. There's a HUGE difference between "I don't eat that" and "I can't eat that."

Harumph!

[Jeanniebug]

((SGWhiskers)) I soooo hope you called that restaurant employee's manager and reported her. They offer a gluten-free menu and how cruel of her to make any customer feel bad for needing to eat this way. If that is her attitude she does not need to be working there. How rude, uncaring and unprofessional.

Also, I have had a co-worker tell me that because I have to eat this way that she thinks...that I think...that everything is all about me. Even though I try to never talk about it at work and/or bring in my own gluten-free treats on potluck days. She is a "mean girl" and has jealousy issues, so go figure. Everyone else has been really supportive, including my boss.

Regardless, I refuse to get sick eating what the majority can eat to make someone else happy. Some people just suck.

On the flip side of that, I have had staff at certain restaurants who blew me away with their kindness and consideration.

It's hard to believe there is still intolerance out there in today's world.

[sandsurfgirl]

A couple of posters have mentioned people talking about "picky eaters." I really, really hope that no one has been called "picky" on a date because of needing to eat gluten-free (or whatever-free) due to an allergy/intolerance. There's a HUGE difference between "I don't eat that" and "I can't eat that."

Harumph!

I was thinking the same thing. Picky eater and "I don't want to poop my pants, vomit, have stabbing pains in my gut, massive dizzy spells, anxiety attacks and be sick for a week if I eat that," are not the same thing.

I LOVE it how these jackasses don't like a "picky" eater, but I bet they like the thin bodies those "picky" eater girls have because most likely they are watching what they eat. And how many of the "I hate picky eaters" guys will stick around if she starts slamming the pizza and beer and gains 50 pounds? I would just pass right over those dudes. No thanks!

[precious831]

I'm happily married and wasn't diagnosed til after I was married so the dating is not an issue. When we were dating, the only food I had to avoid was seafood, which I'm so allergic to that I have to carry an Epipen. That was a big issue for his parents who made life hell for me by always making sure they have shrimp as the main dish during holidays. Imagine now how it is that I also have to avoid gluten/dairy/soy!

I think it's doable and if the other person you're dating is worth it, then they will understand and stick it out. Just my 2 cents . I don't think it's gonna be easy but nothing in this life is easy.