Need To Vent, Shoulder To Cry On And Everybody

[txplowgirl]

Well, for those of you have been kind of following my posts, you can all tell me I told you so.

I got myself into this mess and now i've got to figure out what to do. I know what I need to do, that's just it. It's hard.

My significant other and I have been teaming on a truck off and on for several years now. We'll bust up and get back together. He knows I need to be gluten free, he understands that but he just can't get past the cross contamination thing and that a little bit won't hurt you. Uuuuuuhhh, it's frustrating. We've been back in the truck together now for almost 3 months and i'm getting to the point where I feel bad constantly and now am having daily headaches. I have asked him to clean up after himself after he eats his sandwiches, but nope. He's cooking his gluten stuff in my electric skillet, so on and so on. I'm constantly getting glutened but he just will not believe that a little will hurt. It's starting to become cumulative. I've tried getting him to read information but he refuses to do it. Then this morning was really the kicker.

I decided to eat breakfast at a truckstop this morning. This is a restaurant that we regularly frequent and they know me. I can get a ham and egg omelete with no issues. Anyway, the SO ordered his breakfast and it included what they call country gravy. He picks a spoonful up and wanted me to eat it! We got into one heck of a fight because I refused to. But yet for some reason i'm the bad person because I started the fight by telling him no. This isn't working like I thought it would. I'm constantly miserable now and fighting daily headaches. As usual, he promised me the moon and I bought into it. I'm gonna take a nap and maybe i'll feel better later. I hope.

[Jestgar]

I'm so sorry you feel bad.

You may need to spend some time thinking about whether or not this relationship is really right for you. Blatant disrespect (using your skillet) is not something I'd be willing to put up with.

[kareng]

Sounds like you know what you need to do. He sees you not feeling well but tries to make you feel worse. Sounds abusive and controlling. If you don't feel good, you need him more. Or he's just a selfish jerk who doesn't notice anything but his own needs.

Either way,.....

I don't know what you have to do about the job/ business. If you own an interest in the truck, you may have to get a lawyer.

Sorry. You have given it more than a fair shot.

[Lisa]

Well, that's not very kind and it's inconsiderate and patronizing. I am sorry that he can not/will not see your health concerns.

I hate to give people advise, when I have not walked in their shoes, but..... Not knowing much about your business, could he be in a bind if you sat out a trip? Could that get his attention? Maybe he'll step up...

But, nevertheless, I am sorry that he treated you so unkindly.

[etta694]

You deserve better.... love is a choice and he isn't making loving choices. Just my 2 cents worth.

[YoloGx]

I agree. It really is unfortunate especially since you have a business together. But if you want to be healthy and happy it looks like you can't be with that guy. You are after all driving in close proximity of each other. And the fact he CC's your food by using your cookware is unforgivable given your condition.

I had a love in my life that was like that. He basically thought this whole gluten thing with my cross contamination reactions was nuts. But for me it was a survival issue.

It is so hard when you feel the emotional attachment with someone you otherwise are so close to. But you have to love yourself first.

If you keep getting CC'd it will not only give you headaches etc. it can cause more serious breakdowns for your health. Cancer, other auto immune diseases, thyroid, diabetes etc. etc.

This guy may actually love you in his way, but he is poison for you. Face it. There are no easy answers, but you will feel infinitely better not being with him.

Maybe you can still be phone buddies, but face it, close contact is out unless by some miracle he decides to change and be willing to do the work to get outside his comfort/habit zone.

There are other guys out there who are a lot more loving and considerate, believe me. You might think they don't exist right now but they do. They may in fact wish they were with someone as wonderful as you.

Bea

PS--getting constantly glutened like that does not bring out the best in anyone. Think of the Vikings eating moldy rye bread before battle and you will get the appropriate image. It doesn't exactly make for calmness. But it really isn't your fault. Bottom line.

[Jungle]

I am sorry that he isn't standing up and being a man to support his woman.

[mushroom]

I kind of had a feeling from one of your other posts that you had given him another chance I am very sorry, but in my book he has blown it yet again, and is incapable of reform. If you really do want to lead a healthy life I am afraid he is leaving you no alternative but to make the final cut. It will be very hard for both of you, but your health has got to come before any other considerations, and he is not being in the least bit considerate or thoughtful.

[deezer]

Well, for those of you have been kind of following my posts, you can all tell me I told you so.

I got myself into this mess and now i've got to figure out what to do. I know what I need to do, that's just it. It's hard.

My significant other and I have been teaming on a truck off and on for several years now. We'll bust up and get back together. He knows I need to be gluten free, he understands that but he just can't get past the cross contamination thing and that a little bit won't hurt you. Uuuuuuhhh, it's frustrating. We've been back in the truck together now for almost 3 months and i'm getting to the point where I feel bad constantly and now am having daily headaches. I have asked him to clean up after himself after he eats his sandwiches, but nope. He's cooking his gluten stuff in my electric skillet, so on and so on. I'm constantly getting glutened but he just will not believe that a little will hurt. It's starting to become cumulative. I've tried getting him to read information but he refuses to do it. Then this morning was really the kicker.

I decided to eat breakfast at a truckstop this morning. This is a restaurant that we regularly frequent and they know me. I can get a ham and egg omelete with no issues. Anyway, the SO ordered his breakfast and it included what they call country gravy. He picks a spoonful up and wanted me to eat it! We got into one heck of a fight because I refused to. But yet for some reason i'm the bad person because I started the fight by telling him no. This isn't working like I thought it would. I'm constantly miserable now and fighting daily headaches. As usual, he promised me the moon and I bought into it. I'm gonna take a nap and maybe i'll feel better later. I hope.

Praying for you. Sounds like you need some marriage counseling, and I hope that you get it soon!

[IrishHeart]

TEXAS,

You have been very encouraging and helpful to me and now, I wish I could offer the right words to you.

I do not know your whole story up 'til now, but I have read what you posted here and all I can say is....you already KNOW what you need to do, hon.

You have fought long and hard to be well. He is undermining your efforts and putting you at risk. On top of that, he sounds as if he is provoking these fights. Why would he do that?

It's abusive to make someone ill on purpose.

I taught Interpersonal Communication classes for years and I always told the students: avoid toxic relationships. This one seems toxic to me. He is tormenting you with the gravy thing---that's not even funny. Cooking his food in your gluten-free skillet?

Dangerous.

You deserve a partner who will put your well-being FIRST.

Cut 'em loose, Texas....(hugs to you)

[etta694]

Hey, and everyone here is here for you when it gets hard(er).

[ravenwoodglass]

You must care a lot for this guy to keep giving him chance after chance. It will be hard but you have to make a final break. It sounds like his abuse is getting worse and worse and you are worth so much more care than this man is showing you. Do contact a lawyer if you own property together and it might not be a bad idea to talk to a counselor for a bit to help you get through the loss and rebuild your selfconfidence.

[RiceGuy]

So sorry for you. I'm sure it is tougher than I gather.

Something I wonder about is why he'd do the things you've mentioned. Especially the gravy thing. My only guess is that it may be a manifestation of denial. Could that be it? Could he be trying to "prove" to himself (and you) that gluten is ok, because he cares and doesn't want it to be true? You know him better than anyone here, and I'm sure you'd have a fair idea if he might be stuck in denial. Is he the kind of person who'd respond positively if you asked him about that?

Other than seeking some counseling, I cannot think of any better suggestions than what others have said.

[lynnelise]

I hate this for you! To have to choose between losing someone you love or being constantly ill can't be easy. However your health is most important. He should respect you enough to abstain from gluten to keep you healthy!

[tarnalberry]

My approach - which is not right for everyone - would be to look him in the face and say:

"Why are you being an ass? If you opened your eyes, you would see I'm sick. And even if you refused to acknowledge that, grow a pair and be an adult. That means respecting my choices, whether you like them or not, because they are my choices to make." (I also wouldn't share your pan any longer as he has proven that you can't trust him.)

[txplowgirl]

Thanks everyone, Talk about having a pity party for myself. Yes, he's probably in denial a bit but after 2 years of this you would think he would have some inkling that I can't have even a little bit.

He owns the truck I don't have any part of it. But, I left a company 3 months ago where I was buying my own truck and he sweet talked me into giving it up and coming over here with him. What really ticks me off is that we have been through all this before.

This is the last chance i'm giving him. I'm already in the works either to get me a truck and go solo over here or go back to my last job. It's just gonna take a while to get the logistics figured out. I'm mad at myself because I knew better. I knew deep down he would go back to his old ways. He can be so sweet and gentle and then the next he can be very controlling. Every time we get into an argument it's my fault. If I would just follow along and go his way we'd be fine and the one saying he has that really irritates the heck out of me is i'm doing this to myself. If I would just go along and keep my mouth shut and do what he wants I would be just fine. AAaarrrrhhhhhh!

[Jestgar]

If I would just go along and keep my mouth shut and do what he wants I would be just fine. AAaarrrrhhhhhh!

just fine, but you wouldn't be you. Not a great way to spend your life....

[zus888]

He can be so sweet and gentle and then the next he can be very controlling. Every time we get into an argument it's my fault. If I would just follow along and go his way we'd be fine and the one saying he has that really irritates the heck out of me is i'm doing this to myself. If I would just go along and keep my mouth shut and do what he wants I would be just fine. AAaarrrrhhhhhh!

Do you have ANY idea how alarming that sounds? This is the CLASSIC foundation of abuse. You may not recognize it now, but I'd be surprised if there was even one person on here that doesn't hear the alarm bells ringing.

This sounds like a toxic relationship and honestly, I don't know why you'd give him another chance to treat you that way. Because that's really what you are doing. NO ONE should be treated that way. It seems obvious to me that he has no respect for you. I know it's hard, but you need to have enough RESPECT FOR YOURSELF to walk away.

[IrishHeart]

Do you have ANY idea how alarming that sounds? This is the CLASSIC foundation of abuse. You may not recognize it now, but I'd be surprised if there was even one person on here that doesn't hear the alarm bells ringing.

This sounds like a toxic relationship and honestly, I don't know why you'd give him another chance to treat you that way. Because that's really what you are doing. NO ONE should be treated that way. It seems obvious to me that he has no respect for you. I know it's hard, but you need to have enough RESPECT FOR YOURSELF to walk away.

I AGREE COMPLETELY. I thought about minding my own business after already giving you my 2 cents worth earlier in this post, because I do not know you or your man, but as zus888 stated above: ALL KINDS OF ALARM BELLS ARE GOING OFF HERE!! You need to run, not walk away from this guy.

I'm going to send you a private message.

[sydneysmommy]

I haven't read everyone's replies and I bet they all have a lot of different and good things to offer you.

So I hope I'm not being redundant.

I think, like you said, you know what to do. I wont say "told you so" bc I think you're kicking yourself a little too hard. You know what that kind of negative self talk and stress will do to you on TOP of the physical effects you feel from contamination; you cannot handle that like the average person, so if at all possible, just stop that first!

Be your own best friend and cheerleader. If he won't be on your team, then you should (which you are) but what I mean is... stop trying so hard to make HIM be on your team and instead put more energy into yourself. (how can I word this differently...)

Instead of putting all your energy into changing HIM, devote that energy into something you know will be successful: which is changing YOU.

That's the only way you know you'll be happy, get better, feel better and have a better life. Unless you think you're willing to deal with the headaches and side effects in order to deal with him; in that case you have to stop trying to change him. He's shown you that his philosophies and attitude about this isn't healthy for you, and won't change soon. So if you continue to try and force-quit that on him... soon it's becoming more your fault that these blow-ups happen. He's made it clear where he stands. Take it or leave it. You're the one with the good head on your shoulders. Doesn't sound like he is too reasonable (in regards to THIS topic). He could be a very wonderful man when it comes to everything else. But this is your health.

Finances, human touch, shelter, partnership, conversation etc.... don't mean much if you don't have your health.

xoxo

and by the way... I've felt so isolated, alone, misunderstood, (all those things) too because for a long time MY husband regarded Celiac as this "thing" you just deal with by eating a certain way. And we didn't have a gluten-free home for 8 years! I went that long making sure HE was happy and the kids were happy and just walked around miserable and sick and on egg shells and always sick and never getting better with no "apparent" explaination bc he refused to believe such small amounts (crumbs etc) could make me THAT sick or that Celiac or gluten could cause me to have a headache (made NO sense to him) or that it correlated with anxiety, insomnia, dark circles under my eyes, fatigue, infections, UTI's, unexplainable joint pain, being cold all the time, depression, hair loss, bruises, and so on. He would understand bloating and IBS troubles but that was MY fault.

It took a long time for him to come around.

Off course... you know this wasn't the ONLY problem. Something else was under the surface but it takes a lot for people to really GET this disease. Don't understand what is SO hard about loving your spouse enough to be educated about something that effects them this much. You have to hand them divorce papers before they begin pacing around throwing out the bread and cookies.

[BillJ]

You know I read this and I was thinking about it from a male perspective of how you should explain to him how serious it is when he cross contaminates your food ...Tell him it would be the equivalent if he had a prostate condition and you kicked him where it counts ....Sometimes us guys need things put to them in a way that "Hits Home" to get thru our thick skulls ...And the lady's are correct ....The blatant disrespect he is showing towards your well being is Toxic and no man is worth your health ...I hope it all works out for the best for you ....Take care of your self ....

[Jestgar]

...Tell him it would be the equivalent if he had a prostate condition and you kicked him where it counts ....

*snort!*

"C'mon honey! whatcha whinin' for? A little whack can't hurt you! It's just my elbow after all....it's not like I kneed you or anything...."

[ravenwoodglass]

I'm mad at myself because I knew better. I knew deep down he would go back to his old ways. He can be so sweet and gentle and then the next he can be very controlling. Every time we get into an argument it's my fault.

Yea alarm bells is an understatement. Unfortunately this brings back many memories for me. Don't give this guy another chance. You will always love him but he isn't going to change and his behavior will simply get worse. You are worth more and being alone is preferable to always having to worry about the next 'episode'. I hope you can get your old job back and don't let him sweet talk you into leaving it again.

[etta694]

You have to, of course, keep us posted and let us encourage you along the way.... I hope he turns into a BIG SURPRISE.. you know, all of a sudden the lights go on.... and he realizes how precious you are and that this matters!

[txplowgirl]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all of your replies. That's why I love this forum sooooo much.

Well, I finally had enough of his bull and let loose on him and gave him what for. I told him he either got the gluten out of the truck and washed his hands when he did eat out or I was leaving for good. And I told him if that meant I was being selfish then so be it, but i didn't give a rat's terd anymore and I wasn't catering to him anymore. If he didn't like my attitude, no problem. I was done with kissin his you know what. I also told him I was tired of his condescending attitude and being treated like a child.

I surprised myself, normally I just sit back and keep my mouth shut but i've come to realize, thanks to everyone here, that I needed to speak up and really let him know how i felt. So far so good but we'll see how long it lasts.