Struggling To Cope With Boyfriend's Mother

[nikky]

I'm slowly getting to the end of my teather with my boyfriend's mother. She shows no respect for my inability to consume anyting with gluten in it and whenever im at the house she tries to feed me bread, pastry, pizzas and gluten containing frozen foods including sausages and burgers that contain wheat flour. She also refuses to let me store food safely and whenever me and my boyfriend are trying to cook she will come into the kitchen and start telling me what I am and arent allowed, constantly giving me gluten containg options and getting agitated when I tell her that I'm unable to eat it because of the coeliac.

Both myself and my boyfriend have spoken to her on several ocasions, explaining to her foods that are/arent safe, why its easier for me to be allowed to look for things to eat and all about cross-contamination, but none of it seems to sink in. I've given her an official list of foods and ingredients that need to be avoided, and have even told her I'm prepared to supply some food myself provided i can store it safely when I'm staying.

Two weeks ago, she and her husband went on holiday,leaving me at the house with my boyfriend. Before she went, she promised to go shopping for food that we could both have. When we later looked, we found the fridge, freezer and cupboards full of sausage rolls, pies, pasties, wheat-flour containing soups, pizza, biscuits etc, and vertually nothing that was gluten - free.

I've also explained that I am not expecting specialist foods to be bought, but that just by changing brand a food can become safe or that life could be easier if i was allowed to sort it myself without interuption.

She has also said before that shes been tempted to 'experiement' with food for me and my boyfriend and last week my boyfriend told me to never leave her with anything I'm going to eat as he over heard her telling her best friend that she wanted to spread bread crumbs in my food. When the friend then raised the point that it would be harmful for me, she said 'I know, I dont care' .

I've tried several times to explain the seriousness of the condition, but she has convinced herself that I'll just get a 'bit of a bad stomach'. The last time i had gluten my lips were swelling up and it felt like there were knives in my throat and stomach.

Any advice???

(Just want to add, my boyfriend is completely supportive, and is constantly trying to learn about the condition and get his mum to listen.)

[Diane-in-FL]

This woman obviously hates you if she wants to deliberately make you sick and tells her friend "I know and I don't care." She is dangerous. You and your boyfriend need to get your own place and never ever go back to her house. Would she feed sugar to someone with diabetes? Or peanuts to someone with a peanut allergy? She is mentally ill or something. What is wrong with people like that? It's really quite horrifying.

[Takala]

any suggestions ?

Bring another girlfriend along next time, and introduce her as your new Official Food Taster, since the Mum -in- Law from Hell

[kareng]

Why are you in this evil person's house? If she told her friend she was going to stab you while you are sleeping, would you stay there? Would you even go for an hour visit?

Please do not have children with this guy. He may be OK but his mother isn't. And if she has a husband, he isn't good either. Your children would never be safe around her. Your life would be a constant battle with the kids father as he tries to take them to visit his mother. Or let's them be around her.

The fact is, she doesn't like you and she is a mean person. If it weren't gluten it would be something else. Be glad you found this out before you have her grandchildren or marry her son.

[ravenwoodglass]

I wouldn't even be cooking in her kitchen because it is likely a gluten minefield even if the food you are cooking is gluten free. The answer to the problem is to cook for yourself and your boyfreind at your home and to avoid hers like the plague. Eat your meals at home and just bring a wrapped snack with you. Why isn't your boyfreind laying down the law to her? If he isn't standing up firmly for you now for heavens sake don't even think of marrying or having children with him as it will only get worse.

[lynnelise]

No offense but it sounds like this lady really does not like you and this is her passive-aggressive attempt to get rid of you.

I would no go to the woman's house. It's dangerous and you are clearly not welcome. I wouldn't want to be where I wasn't welcome.

Hopefully your boyfriend can come up with a solution to see you outside of his mom's home.

[pricklypear1971]

I don't think it's so passive.

Geez. Get away from that woman, don't eat at her house, don't stay at her house.

And yes, if you have children with your boyfriend you will be stuck with that wacky woman for life.

[nikky]

This woman obviously hates you if she wants to deliberately make you sick and tells her friend "I know and I don't care." She is dangerous. You and your boyfriend need to get your own place and never ever go back to her house. Would she feed sugar to someone with diabetes? Or peanuts to someone with a peanut allergy? She is mentally ill or something. What is wrong with people like that? It's really quite horrifying.

Thanks for your advice, happily we intend to get a place when we are able to afford it, although that may be around another year. Its funny you mention diabetes, she's actually diabetic herself and so should have an understanding of the difficulty these things create.

[nikky]

No offense but it sounds like this lady really does not like you and this is her passive-aggressive attempt to get rid of you.

I would no go to the woman's house. It's dangerous and you are clearly not welcome. I wouldn't want to be where I wasn't welcome.

Hopefully your boyfriend can come up with a solution to see you outside of his mom's home.

Yeh its a horrible feeling. He tries his best to come see me here but its not always easy with money. Thankyou for your help

[pricklypear1971]

Oh geez. You LIVE there?

Find second-hand fridge and put it on your room, store your stuff there.

I'd find another way to get out of that house...get a place with roomates???? Even a gluteny slob is better than someone who intends you harm.

[nikky]

Why are you in this evil person's house? If she told her friend she was going to stab you while you are sleeping, would you stay there? Would you even go for an hour visit?

Please do not have children with this guy. He may be OK but his mother isn't. And if she has a husband, he isn't good either. Your children would never be safe around her. Your life would be a constant battle with the kids father as he tries to take them to visit his mother. Or let's them be around her.

The fact is, she doesn't like you and she is a mean person. If it weren't gluten it would be something else. Be glad you found this out before you have her grandchildren or marry her son.

Firstly, I havent been to the house since she said that.

secondly, it is not my boyfriend that is the issue, if he had the money hed be away from her by now. As it is we are moving next year for me to go to uni.

And if i had married him, would you suggest i divorce him? I dont think so..

[nikky]

Oh geez. You LIVE there?

Find second-hand fridge and put it on your room, store your stuff there.

I'd find another way to get out of that house...get a place with roomates???? Even a gluteny slob is better than someone who intends you harm.

no i dont live there... i live with my parents, we dont have a place on our own because we cant afford it at the moment

[nikky]

I wouldn't even be cooking in her kitchen because it is likely a gluten minefield even if the food you are cooking is gluten free. The answer to the problem is to cook for yourself and your boyfreind at your home and to avoid hers like the plague. Eat your meals at home and just bring a wrapped snack with you. Why isn't your boyfreind laying down the law to her? If he isn't standing up firmly for you now for heavens sake don't even think of marrying or having children with him as it will only get worse.

Thanks for your advice, yeah, the kitchen is a minefield, i go in and clean like crazy in there. I do want to point out though that he does stand up for me, they've had shouting matches over it, the week we were on our own, he went out and spent all the money he had to get me safe food, he is really good to me.

[pricklypear1971]

Firstly, I havent been to the house since she said that.

secondly, it is not my boyfriend that is the issue, if he had the money hed be away from her by now. As it is we are moving next year for me to go to uni.

And if i had married him, would you suggest i divorce him? I dont think so..

Well, it appears you have it under control since you aren't visiting her house anymore.

You can't fix crazy. And while I wouldn't advise you to divorce your husband, or leave your boyfriend because he has a crazy mother...I can tell you from experience that if y'all have children together you will be bound to this woman and you WILL be forced into situations where she can attack you -with gluten or her new weapon of choice.

You can't fix VINDICTIVE crazy -which is what she is. She isn't eccentric, colorful, or quirky. Wack jobs like her are forever, and she will go after you for the rest of her life.

[nikky]

Bring another girlfriend along next time, and introduce her as your new Official Food Taster, since the Mum -in- Law from Hell

[ravenwoodglass]

Thanks for your advice, yeah, the kitchen is a minefield, i go in and clean like crazy in there. I do want to point out though that he does stand up for me, they've had shouting matches over it, the week we were on our own, he went out and spent all the money he had to get me safe food, he is really good to me.

Glad to hear he is sticking up for you. This woman may find herself very lonely in her elderly years as if she keeps going like she is she will drive her son away from her forever whether he is with you or someone else.

[kareng]

Firstly, I havent been to the house since she said that.

secondly, it is not my boyfriend that is the issue, if he had the money hed be away from her by now. As it is we are moving next year for me to go to uni.

And if i had married him, would you suggest i divorce him? I dont think so..

I think I said it a good thing you haven't married or had kids. Just like everyone else said. It's good you found this out now. You can make an informed decision.

And, if he expected you to visit a person who has said she will hurt you, I would suggest divorce. But sounds like he might be cool with cutting ties with her and keeping you safe. Or at least not letting her near you.

[Gluten Free Traveller]

This is ridiculous. Your boyfriend's mother is clearly a horrible person. Personally I would just stay away from here for good. It sounds as though you've done to best to explain things to her and she doesn't care. The solution is obvious...don't visit her. Why would you ever want to be around someone so nasty who is trying to make you sick!

[Mango04]

You can just keep your food issues away from your boyfriend's mother. Don't cook at her house or eat with her, and if she tries to bring up the subject of food just tell her you're not comfortable talking about your personal health issue and would rather keep it to yourself. If it's a holiday or something an you have to eat a family dinner with her, bring your own food. I find this whole thing easier to deal with if I don't expect other people to understand or try to accommodate me. You really don't ever need to talk about food with this woman at all. You also don't ever have to eat food that she touches.

[srall]

You can just keep your food issues away from your boyfriend's mother. Don't cook at her house or eat with her, and if she tries to bring up the subject of food just tell her you're not comfortable talking about your personal health issue and would rather keep it to yourself. If it's a holiday or something an you have to eat a family dinner with her, bring your own food. I find this whole thing easier to deal with if I don't expect other people to understand or try to accommodate me. You really don't ever need to talk about food with this woman at all. You also don't ever have to eat food that she touches.

TOTALLY agree. I never ever ever rely on anybody else to feed me no matter where I go (I mean at someone else's house). I bring my own food. If it's my parents (mom is gluten free so it's not a big deal there) or my in laws, all I ask is that I can go shopping for my own food as soon as I get there, and can I store it somewhere and can I cook my own food? Or...food for everyone if they'd like to eat yummy gluten free that night. I would NEVER expect someone who wasn't even related to me to accommodate me in any way.

[srall]

Oh, and re: spreading bread crumbs in your food? O.M.G. I wouldn't be in the same room with that witch. I'm assuming you are younger (sorry if you're not), but writing as a middle aged woman who has BTDT, I would seriously think about marrying into that family. Marriage and kids is a long and stressful marathon, and bad in-laws can make your life hell. I have several girl friends who are in therapy just because of dealing with terrible in-laws.

Good luck...

[AVR1962]

Buy her a book abnout Celiac and ask her to read it so she can understand what you are dealing with.

[nikky]

TOTALLY agree. I never ever ever rely on anybody else to feed me no matter where I go (I mean at someone else's house). I bring my own food. If it's my parents (mom is gluten free so it's not a big deal there) or my in laws, all I ask is that I can go shopping for my own food as soon as I get there, and can I store it somewhere and can I cook my own food? Or...food for everyone if they'd like to eat yummy gluten free that night. I would NEVER expect someone who wasn't even related to me to accommodate me in any way.

I DO cook for myself there, i dont expect anything like that. As i mentioned in my original post I have asked to be allowed to get food for myself and store it there but she always turns it away... At 18 years old its not always easy not to have anything to do with someone or let them near your food in their own house.

[srall]

I DO cook for myself there, i dont expect anything like that. As i mentioned in my original post I have asked to be allowed to get food for myself and store it there but she always turns it away... At 18 years old its not always easy not to have anything to do with someone or let them near your food in their own house.

Oh, Nikky, I am sorry. You're younger than I even realized. I know it's hard when everyone is still living with parents. Just be careful (I know you will be) and try and not eat anything she prepares. She sounds just abusive.

[ElseB]

My mother in law constantly comments that she truly believes that since my illness came on so suddenly, one day it will just as suddenly go away and I'll be cured. Oh yeah, and did I mention she's a doctor? No wonder we all have such bad experiences with doctors! My husband and I have politely told her on many occasions that it will never go away. But next time I don't think I will be so polite because I'm getting a bit tired of it. Having said this, she does cook gluten free for me when I'm over there.