Dating Frustration

[Jetamio]

Hi everyone...I just need to vent.

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We met last year, before my whole illness adventure began. He likes to go out on Saturday nights and usually wants to eat some where. I've told him, in depth, that I can't have gluten or dairy and why. I've offered him plenty of reading material on gluten. A friend gave me a book with restaurants that have gluten free options and I take that with us now. However, every time we go out, he wants to go somewhere that serves pizza, pasta, fried something... That would be ok except the places he wants to go don't have a gluten free menu and the risk of CC and me getting sick would be big.

I don't think he's doing it to be difficult. I really think he's having a hard time understanding what I can't have. He gets the dairy part but not the gluten. We went some place that I was able to get a salad from and I asked the waitress to double check that there weren't croutons. She left and he turned to me and said "didn't you want croutons?". I said no, I can't have croutons. "oh".

How can I help him understand what gluten free means? Am I expecting too much? I'm at the point I just don't want to go out to eat with him at all because I feel terrible telling him the places he wants to go aren't ok for me. Don't even get me started if he wants us to go eat with his family....I don't want to make a big deal out of food but I don't want to be sick either. Any suggestions would be great!

Jetamio

[JustNana]

I feel for you Sweetie, but honestly if he doesn't know that croutons are bread, he may not be capable of understanding diets.

The other possibility is more cynical but it's possible he is simply more interested in what he wants than what you need.

I would make an attempt to have another conversation with him stressing how much you enjoy his company but need his active support on this issue. If he is serious about helping you emotionally and protecting you physically then be very appreciative of his sincere efforts. If he seems unwilling or unable or his eyes start to glaze over maybe it's time to find a stronger guy.

At least in this stage of your life you can still seek other partners. Best wishes.

[Monael]

I agree with JustNana. Doesn't he ever let you pick the restaurant? Why don't you make a list of restaurants in your area that you are OK to eat at, and tell him that you can go to any of these restaurants. I don't know where you live so I don't know how long that list would be, but make it as long as you can, even if you have to spend a lot of time on the phone or web researching the menus. But it seems to me that if he really doesn't get it, either intentionally or unintentionally, then it isn't going to work in the long run.

[Skylark]

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector.

[Ninja]

Built in jerk detector! - :lol:

[Bubba's Mom]

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector.

Agreed! :D

[Mom23boys]

I've been married for 15 years and my husband still does not know what protein, carbs, dairy, wheat are all in. He tries but he just doesn't get it. He can now catch the obvious -- bread, milk -- and is now catching less obvious - pizza, mac/cheese.

You need to simplify the language a little more. I know purists will groan but maybe say "wheat and like grains". People also understand the terms "life threatening allergy" a little better or at least "like a life threatening allergy".

[GlutenFreeAustinite]

Yeah, I've had that experience. The first guy I dated understood what gluten-free was (some relative had celiac) but he didn't seem to care all that much about how I was feeling. We barely lasted a month, though not for gluten free reasons. My current boyfriend is amazing. He's always checking if places have gluten-free menus, if foods have gluten, etc. We've been together seven (almost eight) months and still going strong.

There are people, however, who just don't understand. My vegetarian aunt was recently in the hospital and her dietician, employed by the hospital, tried to give her chicken.

[kareng]

Hi everyone...I just need to vent.

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We met last year, before my whole illness adventure began. He likes to go out on Saturday nights and usually wants to eat some where. I've told him, in depth, that I can't have gluten or dairy and why. I've offered him plenty of reading material on gluten. A friend gave me a book with restaurants that have gluten free options and I take that with us now. However, every time we go out, he wants to go somewhere that serves pizza, pasta, fried something... That would be ok except the places he wants to go don't have a gluten free menu and the risk of CC and me getting sick would be big.

I don't think he's doing it to be difficult. I really think he's having a hard time understanding what I can't have. He gets the dairy part but not the gluten. We went some place that I was able to get a salad from and I asked the waitress to double check that there weren't croutons. She left and he turned to me and said "didn't you want croutons?". I said no, I can't have croutons. "oh".

How can I help him understand what gluten free means? Am I expecting too much? I'm at the point I just don't want to go out to eat with him at all because I feel terrible telling him the places he wants to go aren't ok for me. Don't even get me started if he wants us to go eat with his family....I don't want to make a big deal out of food but I don't want to be sick either. Any suggestions would be great!

Jetamio

He must be really cute or good at something? I don't think you are dating him for his brains!

But seriously...I don't know how long you have had to be gluten-free. If its just a couple of months, I might give him another chance. Sit down with him and tell him you don't think he understands your "illness". Its easy to treat with the right food. Try and explain the gluten, bread, pizza, etc thing. Tell him its not fun to have to go to a place where you can't eat or have to worry about whether you will be sick later. Tell him you are sad (real men hate thier women to be sad). No accusing or blaming or "you did" stuff. Lay down the law about bringing your own food to his parents. If he isn't trying after that, then he is either really dumb or really self-absorbed. Those are probably things you wouldn't want to live with or have kids with.

[dani nero]

I agree with and echo all the previous posts. If you really like him give him another chance, but it seems to me that he's not really absorbing all that there is to know about you.

Maybe reading really isn't his strong-point.. Perhaps try by telling him a story of how celiac disease was discovered.. that might be a little more interesting... but I can't think of any other way of making a person want to learn about your condition without being genuinely interested.

[IrishHeart]

You gave him plenty of reading material--Yet, he STILL continues to choose places for you BOTH that offer only "pizza, pasta or fried something" as you put it?

Oh sweetie,

He is either not really interested in learning about something that is very important to your safety and well-being and is very self-centered

OR

he read it and is just not very bright

OR

has terrible eating habits and has a "gluten-jones" himself!

.... and if you two DO become serious, he will have a heart attack by 45 and leave you a widow with a bunch of kids.

He seems like he is more interested in what HE wants.

Sorry, kiddo, but I think it is time to find someone who PUTS YOU first and takes the time to learn about your disease/dietary needs. If he can't do this, he won't compromise on other things in your relationship either.

IMHO, of course!

[Jetamio]

Thank you everyone! I really needed to hear all this. I think you are right. I've been gluten free almost two months and I'm still healing and learning. I'm still pretty tired and wiped out some days. The folks I work with have been super supportive and even look up things online before offering my things so they know I can have them. I was hoping to see that from the person I was dating I know that it might be a lot of information for him (it has been for me!) but at the same time, I had hoped he'd want to support me in this or at least do his best so I don't get sick. He's a smart guy so I know he could understand this. I don't want to expect too much but this is my health! Thank you all!

[carlao]

You pick the restaurants!

My DH is a biology professor, and while he knows the chemical and molecular structures of carbs, fats, and proteins, somehow he can't transfer that knowledge to actual food!

[IrishHeart]

I've been gluten free almost two months and I'm still healing and learning. I'm still pretty tired and wiped out some days. The folks I work with have been super supportive and even look up things online before offering my things so they know I can have them. I was hoping to see that from the person I was dating

It's still early in the healing process, hang in there! I have days when I am tired and wiped out and I'm a "veteran".

You have some supportive people in your life and that is a very good thing. You sound like a very wise woman and you deserve a supportive, understanding mate. In the meantime, take good care of YOU!

Best wishes, IH

[catsmeow]

Dump him and find a guy who treats you better. The ones I date let ME pick the restaurant, wouldn't dream of trying to push food on me, and pretty much do all they can to support my food restrictions.

I find that a gluten-free diet is a really handy built-in jerk detector.

****LIKE**** button!!!

[glutenfr3309]

I think you two need to have a real heart-to-heart conversation about your diagnosis. This is lifelong for you and is not some phase. you need to explain this to him. it sounds like to me he just doesn't care. I understand this is overwhelming for you and him and it takes time to learn but it doesn't sound like he's trying to help you or understand. Unfortunately, being gluten free adds an extra "bump" in the world of dating (but it doesn't have to be! i.e. finding a place that has gluten-free pizza that you can eat).

I was in your situation in my last relationship. We dated for 1.5 years- only 5 of those months I was gluten free officially. He was around me when I was at my worst before diagnosis. When I was diagnosed he pretty much had an argument with me telling me I was being too paranoid and that I should "live" my life without restrictions. Not once did he try to read about celiac on his own or ask me questions about it to try to understand what I was going through. He didn't show me that he cared and I didn't trust him.

Now, I am in a relationship with a different person and it has been wonderful. From our first date I told him about being gluten free and we talk about it openly. He "gets" the whole food intolerance thing and I fully trust that he will always look out for me. He checks with me when he is unsure about an ingredient and he is fully willing to eat gluten free food when he is at my place. When we go out to eat we find a place that has options for me. From the beginning I have told him that I understand that it is difficult/a sacrifice for him as well and to let me know if something comes up that bothers him.

If you really like this guy then give him one more chance but honestly I would move on. Your health is your number one priority right now and you should not have to sacrifice this! This is the time that you need to focus on getting healthier and not be stressed out because he doesn't "get" it.

[Chad Sines]

Uhmm...Has anyone thought that he may just not understand? My family still gets confused on certain issues. My mom broke down and read a book to better understand it. Most of us did not get it for a while after we heard about it. If he is not a jerk in other areas, then I would be careful to not make any assumptions.

How about just saying "Let me pick the restaurants for this month" or find gluten free things he will like to eat as well.

[Jetamio]

You all make really good points. I talked to him a bit on Sunday about gluten again and what it has done to my body. He didn't say much so we'll see. He has suggested dinner this week sometime and I'm going to be direct if he wants to go some where I can't. I've suggested a couple of places that I know are good options as well. If he isn't supportive, then I think it's more about him not wanting to try. If he was trying and asking questions, I would feel a lot different.

[dws]

Hi everyone...I just need to vent.

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We met last year, before my whole illness adventure began. He likes to go out on Saturday nights and usually wants to eat some where. I've told him, in depth, that I can't have gluten or dairy and why. I've offered him plenty of reading material on gluten. A friend gave me a book with restaurants that have gluten free options and I take that with us now. However, every time we go out, he wants to go somewhere that serves pizza, pasta, fried something... That would be ok except the places he wants to go don't have a gluten free menu and the risk of CC and me getting sick would be big.

I don't think he's doing it to be difficult. I really think he's having a hard time understanding what I can't have. He gets the dairy part but not the gluten. We went some place that I was able to get a salad from and I asked the waitress to double check that there weren't croutons. She left and he turned to me and said "didn't you want croutons?". I said no, I can't have croutons. "oh".

How can I help him understand what gluten free means? Am I expecting too much? I'm at the point I just don't want to go out to eat with him at all because I feel terrible telling him the places he wants to go aren't ok for me. Don't even get me started if he wants us to go eat with his family....I don't want to make a big deal out of food but I don't want to be sick either. Any suggestions would be great!

Jetamio

I just had to chuckle when I read your post because it reminded me of my father in law. I've been gluten free for 6 yrs or so and my inlaws live close by so we see them often. He is always offering me a regular beer, pizza, sandwich, etc. He has a heart of gold but he also has severe adhd. He's proven to me over and over again that he's there for me through thick and thin, but he just doesn't have the concentration level to remember I'm gluten-free. Some people are just like that. I'm not sure I could live with that trait in my significant other though. It would definitely get old fast.

[Wise]

First of all, I am very concerned for your health. I am an advocate of the transparent issues. I would suggest you complete your process

of diagnosis(the biopsy is what is used professionally for diagnosis

of a very serious illness like celiac disease). It is very important you take yourself seriously enough to see the difference between having any digestive disease, including celiac disease or an allergy to gluten.

Knowing well what you have will empower you to explain to your dates about your disease and your needs as a human being; you may be projecting insecurity at this point which your dates will pick-up. If they ask you what do you have and you respond vaguely they are not going to take you seriously. Now, if you can explain to them clearly:

"I have that because I was diagnosed with"... they will know what to expect.

If you are more confident about your health condition, you will attract confident and serious people to your life.

Wise

[Chad Sines]

Many show negative on the tests or do not feel the biopsy diagnosis is worth the damage to get it back to positive. My docs were very happy to diagnose simply based on symptoms on results from gluten elimination. As they and we all say, there is only one treatment and it is free. No need for any doctor to tell you that you have celiac to get better.

You could simply tell people that you have been diagnosed. Come to think of it, I have never had a single person ask me if this was a self diagnosis or a physician diagnosis or a biopsy diagnosis. I simply say "I have celiac disease, so I will not be able to eat..." Works every time.