18 replies to this topic

[Juliebove]

Honestly, I think you mother has half a point. Hear me out.

It doesn't sound like he takes his condition completely seriously. I used to work in a restaurant also, but I was getting glutened constantly. I made the decision to move into a new line of work after a sufficient amount of time passed when I was being extremely careful and still getting sick. He needs to face up to the fact that he is going to have to find another job. If he isn't willing to do everything to make himself better, then your mother has a point.

While accidents happen, if it's happening more than once every 6 months or so, then he probably isn't being careful enough.

I do not think it would be wise to get married to someone who was not willing to take their condition seriously and take 100% responsibility for it. Whether or not he has a disease is not your mothers business. Whether he has a disease and he is not willing to follow the treatment fully, knowing it will hurt both him and you if he doesn't, that is her business.

I agree with you about his working in a restaurant. Unless he is in a gluten free restaurant and it doesn't sound like he is...he's not taking this seriously enough.

[xjrosie]

I am also divorced from verbally abusive marriage that threatened to turn physical. As Adalaide says, a health problem is not a reason for someone to turn "biting and personal" and that is emotional abuse. It wears you down in ways you might not expect. One day you wake up and realize you are walking on eggshells, self-esteem gone, afraid to speak lest he lose his temper again. There are also serious issues with escalation that may not appear until you're married.

Adelade is also right that you'll say he isn't abusive and things won't escalate. We all do. Rationalization and denial are very powerful survival mechanisms and we use them automatically to cope with bad situations. You can't see what you were denying until you are clear of the situation. You are also rationalizing if you think the behavior will only ever be when he is glutened. Perhaps it is now, but it shows that he is not willing to control his temper and that he considers you a valid target for attacks.

The "biting and personal" stuff needs to stop. Period. Full stop, never again, or you do not marry him. Feeling ill from gluten (or anything else) is NEVER an excuse to emotionally abuse someone you love.

While I've been in the same boat as you (ex-fiancee used to yell at me, then New Year's Eve he pushed me down the stairs. New Years Day I had a U-Haul in his driveway getting my stuff and my kids' stuff out of there), I partially disagree with you.

Celiac, when not taken care of, can cause bouts of depression. Depression makes a person moody. I have had depression since I was a preteen (so at least 20 years). My kids can visibly see when I'm having ups and downs. I am not violent, but I get crabby - really irritated. It doesn't mean I would ever hurt my kids or another living thing for that matter.

Beside, if being glutened causes someone to not feel good, that person might tend to be crabby and irritated. When interacting with another person they could be mean - without being violent.

Sorry for the OT, but I just wanted to chime in that mean isn't always abusive.

[Gemini]

I think there is way too much over thinking on this issue by many. I also think that anyone who would consider a Celiac "damaged goods" of sorts should open their eyes and take a look at most of the American public. They are in way worse shape than many Celiacs I know. They eat crap, they don't exercise and are in generally very bad shape. There is no big deal in not eating gluten and being healthy. Once it's mastered, it becomes second nature. I eat healthy foods with a little baked goods thrown in...what's so weird about that?

As for Mom's attitude, I understand because I have a somewhat critical mother and you know what I do? Ignore her. I rarely call her and she has made it that way. I am nice to her when I see her but we do not have a close relationship and I have no problems with that. If you love this guy and he is a good man, then marry him. He may have to change his job but you will talk about that before you marry him. This is between you and him. You are sweet lady to go the extra mile for him and that is what makes a good marriage. Good luck to you and I wish a lifetime of happiness for you both!

[tarnalberry]

I agree with the over thinking. (Although it's clearly with the best of intentions!)

If he's being verbally abusive, of course it's time to reconsider and/or leave.
If he gets crabby and irritated, well, I guess he's human. Seriously, NONE of the women responding on this thread find themselves acting crabby/short/irritated during any part of their cycle? None of the women OR men with children responding on this thread ever acted crabby/short/irritated during the first few weeks/months/(years?!) of your child's life when you weren't getting enough sleep? And none of you responding on this post have ever acted crabby/short/irritated after a long stressful day on the job?

Of course we all have!

And of course NONE of that excuses verbal and/or emotional abuse. But only the OP can say (and only once she is really, really objective) if that is the case.

If you guys can function together and can work through the tough times (including when he's glutened), that's a really (good) big sign!