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Husband - Grrrrrrr

nvsmom

By nvsmom
in Coping with Celiac Disease

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nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted

I need to complain... Hubby is usually a good man but he lost a lot of "husband points" with me today. :angry:

 

My Hubby took my three boys out to watch a remote control car club competition today. For once I did not pack them a lunch (my hubby complains I over pack). He packed a bit of food and stopped at a grocery store on the way out of town.  When they got home, my middle son tattled on his dad that he had bought sausages for them that may not have been gluten-free and Hubby cuffed him on the head (not meanly, just the "I can't believe you tattled on me" swat).

 

I am quite annoyed that he is encouraging the kids to be sneaky behind my back, AND that he wan't being careful with the kids's diet. My boys have all been tested with the only test available up here (tTG IgA) and they were all negative, but they are kids, and with the tTG IgA, a negative is not a guarantee that they don't have celiac. I am positive that two of my three boys have NCGI at the very least, but as we all know, that makes no difference in the resultant symptoms from consuming gluten! He shouldn't have risked giving just because he saw a brand I used to buy which he misses - he was unsure enough about it's gluten-free status to tell the boys to keep it a secret from me... :angry:

 

He actually said to me, "it's not like they are celiac; they tested negative".  :huh: It left me wondering if he listened at all when I discuss their health. I mean, if he wants me to be in charge of their health, then he should darn well follow the path I lay out for them!

 

I'm going to lay it out for him after the kids go to bed:

  1. Never ever encourage the kids to be sneaky behind my back... Ever!
  2. Do not risk the health of your kids for some convenience food.

Grrrrrrr. I hate having my trust shaken. <_<

 

So far it looks like the kids are okay. One son often get stomach aches pretty quick after gluten, but he also ends up with headaches and a moodiness that is no fun later on. My youngest ends up with the runs - that I'll know about tomorrow.

 

Thanks for the vent. I might be over reacting, but it sure doesn't feel like it at the moment.

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IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted

I understand your frustration and irritation and I am glad you are venting to us instead of yelling at him.

 

He messed up, but you are wise enough to know he is a good guy. :)

 

There is one thing I will say.... you said this:

  1. Never ever encourage the kids to be sneaky behind my back... Ever!

Now, I do agree they should not be sneaky or lie outright, but if he ever enlists their help with buying you a super-fantastic

piece of shiny bling for Mother's day or your birthday, THEN and only Then is it okay to be sneaky and in cahoots with daddy. 

 

 

Here's hoping there are no bouts with D  and headaches tomorrow, (poor boys) but if there are--DAD has to do clean up...of the stinky bathroom., the soggy butt, and the dirty underpants that may ensue. And, he has to apply cool compresses to the headache, too.

 

Just IMHO.

nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted
  • Author

There is one thing I will say.... you said this:

  1. Never ever encourage the kids to be sneaky behind my back... Ever!

Now, I do agree they should not be sneaky or lie outright, but if he ever enlists their help with buying you a super-fantastic

piece of shiny bling for Mother's day or your birthday, THEN and only Then is it okay to be sneaky and in cahoots with daddy. 

 

 

 

It almost seems like two different types of sneakiness to me. One is because you have done something wrong and want to avoid getting in trouble and the other is to create a positive surprise for someone.... Feels different, but I understand what you mean.

 

Kids seem pretty good today. My older one's behaviour has raised eyebrows a couple of times, but hopefully they lucked out and it was gluten-free even though they didn't check.

 

I tried talking to hubby about it last night and he got defensive and loud so that was a bust. I'll just have to pack them food next time since I lost trust in hubby to check foods, and I wasn't reassured by our "conversation".  :rolleyes:

bartfull Rising Star
bartfull
Posted

I would be LIVID! Encouraging the kids to sneak something behind your back is the same as telling them they don't have to respect their Mom, because face it, nobody can sneak behind the back of someone they respect. If it were me, I would insist that he have a long talk with them, explain that he was wrong, and apologize to you IN FRONT OF THEM for what he did to you.

IrishHeart Veteran
IrishHeart
Posted

It almost seems like two different types of sneakiness to me. One is because you have done something wrong and want to avoid getting in trouble and the other is to create a positive surprise for someone.... Feels different, but I understand what you mean.

 

Kids seem pretty good today. My older one's behaviour has raised eyebrows a couple of times, but hopefully they lucked out and it was gluten-free even though they didn't check.

 

I tried talking to hubby about it last night and he got defensive and loud so that was a bust. I'll just have to pack them food next time since I lost trust in hubby to check foods, and I wasn't reassured by our "conversation".  :rolleyes:

 it is a very different circumstance and that is why I pointed it out.   :)

 

Very glad the kiddos escaped without any harm done, but in a way, it brought to light that the hubs was pulling an " end run" on you.

 

Whenever someone gets loud and defensive, I usually think "ha! he KNOWS he is wrong, then". so he may be thinking about what transpired and in time, you can calmly chat about it then? Just a suggestion, but nothing is ever resolved when people are both super- irritated.

 

 

I would be LIVID! Encouraging the kids to sneak something behind your back is the same as telling them they don't have to respect their Mom, because face it, nobody can sneak behind the back of someone they respect. If it were me, I would insist that he have a long talk with them, explain that he was wrong, and apologize to you IN FRONT OF THEM for what he did to you.

 

I agree totally this is what should happen, but if he does not think he did anything wrong or that it;s not a "big deal", he will not do it right now.

he is still defensive. 

 

Maybe all the boys --young and older--need a time out :D and then Nicole can bring it up in a few days. Calmly.

 

Just a suggestion.  Good luck,  N.

nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted
  • Author

I would be LIVID! Encouraging the kids to sneak something behind your back is the same as telling them they don't have to respect their Mom, because face it, nobody can sneak behind the back of someone they respect. If it were me, I would insist that he have a long talk with them, explain that he was wrong, and apologize to you IN FRONT OF THEM for what he did to you.

 

Yeah, I was mad. It's fading now - I rarely get mad at hubby and we almost never argue because we are both usually good at admitting we were wrong and never say things that we would want to take back. A talk with the boys on sneakiness and it's pitfalls is a good idea - I'll wait a while so I don't make hubby look bad in front of the kids.

 

 

 

Very glad the kiddos escaped without any harm done, but in a way, it brought to light that the hubs was pulling an " end run" on you.

 

Whenever someone gets loud and defensive, I usually think "ha! he KNOWS he is wrong, then". so he may be thinking about what transpired and in time, you can calmly chat about it then? Just a suggestion, but nothing is ever resolved when people are both super- irritated.

 

....

 

Maybe all the boys --young and older--need a time out :D and then Nicole can bring it up in a few days. Calmly.

 

Just a suggestion.  Good luck,  N.

 

Hubby used to always get loud when we would disagree. I don't know how many times I've said that "being louder doesn't make your right, just louder".  LOL

 

I'll make him think about it when we go on vacation next week. I do all of the food prep and shopping and while on vacation, he'll have to do some shopping and be there to see what I need to check on labels. That might be a good way to teach him what the kids need.

 

 

On another note, I'm not sure if the kids weren't glutened. My youngest had a sudden sharp pain to the left of his belly button that had him in tears this morning. After about 45 minutes of crying we took him to the doctor and while there he was quite distraught and nauseated, but after he laid down for 10 minutes the pain and nausea passed and he got some colour back into his face. So Strange. I've never seen anything like it - it was NOT a typicl glutening symptom for him if that's what it was. I don't know if it's a virus or a muscle thing or glutening...

 

Either way, he is MUCH better now. I just hope it is gone for good!

shadowicewolf Proficient
shadowicewolf
Posted

While i agree he shouldn't have tried to hide it, everyone makes mistakes.

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nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted
  • Author

While i agree he shouldn't have tried to hide it, everyone makes mistakes.

True.... But he's not allowed to make mistakes when I'm pms'ing! LOL ;)

notme Experienced
notme
Posted

True.... But he's not allowed to make mistakes when I'm pms'ing! LOL ;)

lolz - yup, because his head looks just like a baseball (oh, what's this, now?  a bat?  don't mind if i do!!!!! :D )

 

i read this and laughed my butt off - my husband STILL does sneaky stuff with my kids!!  i should have named them all "don't tell your mother"  !!!  they all look like deer in the headlights, my husband is looking around, whistling.......... i'm like:  what have you done?!   it does backfire on occasion, like:  if they have a problem/want to chat they call mama.  if they need $$ they call dad LOLZ because he is a *suckerrrrr*  :P

 

when they were little, i had to stop him from picking them up by the head......  they would wait till i left the room and beg him to pick them up by the head   :blink:   what??!!  for all i know, he still does it, so sneaky are they!  but their heads are still attached.   ^_^   i guess.....  and nobody would tell me if they weren't, so...........

nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted
  • Author

 

when they were little, i had to stop him from picking them up by the head......  they would wait till i left the room and beg him to pick them up by the head   :blink:   what??!!  for all i know, he still does it, so sneaky are they!  but their heads are still attached.   ^_^   i guess.....  and nobody would tell me if they weren't, so...........

 

:D  :blink:  :D  LOL Men!

Lock Newbie
Lock
Posted

He probably thinks he has been heroically good and it's like the movie when the air traffic controller says, "Millions of safe flights and nobody says a thing but one little plane crash and they're all over you about it."

 

People don't get the 100% OCD requirement. And that Celiac Disease is a FAMILY disease. If you have the genetic tendency, then you could at any time come down with frank digestive symptoms, but more insidiously, decades of untypical damage. Destroyed thyroid, TYPE 1 DIABETES for the love of God. That alone is reason enough to take no chances and keep your kids completely gluten free.

 

Maybe that will get his attention. Silent Celiac disease can cause a child's pancreas to quit, dead in its tracks, we're talking giving insulin shots to a 5 year old, pricking his finger several times a day. I've seen a family go through this. You do not want to go there.

 

Thyroid failure, bone fractures, intestinal cancer, all of it linked to Celiac. It's not about tummy aches and the trots. You are saving your children from hellish results. The negative blood test is completely meaningless. It is one point in time. A snapshot. All it means is the person might not have active villi destruction at this point in time.

 

I don't know, maybe summarize this in a 30 second statement and give it to him, with apologies for not appreciating the extent to which he already complies, then let him stew in it awhile.

 

To be clear, I'm not saying you don't appreciate what he already does, I'm saying if you say that to him, at the same time you give him the nasty facts, it'll be like a conduit to open his brain to hearing you. At least my husband seems to respond to that. He needs to hear the actual words, "I notice what you do and appreciate it." After that he seems open to listening to new information and my point of view, for about 30 seconds. LOL.

nvsmom Community Regular
nvsmom
Posted
  • Author

Good advice. Thanks.  :)

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