Going To A Wedding, Is This Tacky?

[skoki-mom]

I just got an invitation to a childhood friend's wedding. Of course I am thrilled for her and will be attending. On the reply card, there is a place to check off your dinner (beef, chicken, salmon, child) preference. I have eaten at the place they are having the reception and they were quite accommodating to my needs. Would it be totally tacky to check off "beef" and then write gluten free beside it???? I don't want to be a pain in the ass on my friend's wedding day, but I also don't want them to pay for a meal I can't eat, or be left sitting there watching everyone else eat (again). WWYD?

[Rusla]

I would not think that is tacky. Perhaps if you feel the need to tell her how thrilled you are for her and just tell her you have discovered a severe allergy to gluten, you are sorry but y you have checked with the restaurant and they would be happy to oblige. Then when it gets closer to the wedding call the restaurant and make sure they know.

[happygirl]

I have gone to a few weddings since being diagnosed and I let the bride/groom know (phone call) that I will be attending but that they don't need to include me in a meal. For me, it is too big of a risk-I don't trust others because I am so sensitive to gluten. I eat before and then just snack a little bit-fruit, cheese, etc.

I am going to be in a wedding in November (matron of honor) and I have already told her that I won't be eating at either the rehearsal dinner or the wedding....I will provide my own meal. She already talked to the caterer and I just won't be included in the guest count for food. I also just went to a catered party/luncheon and told them I couldn't eat....the guest list was 44 people but the "food" list was only for 43.

So, I would either call the bride/groom and let them know, or call them to ask to speak to the caterer. I think if you want to try to get them to prepare you something, you should talk to them yourself! Hope it works out well.

[skoki-mom]

Ok, all good suggestions. A little more about the place (Calgarians may be familiar with the Highwood Room). It is at a dining room that is run by the local college, the students are in cullinary school and are student/apprentice chefs (whatever you call it). I went there for a Christmas dinner. I called in advance, they said it was no problem. When I got there I identified myself, and they went over the menu with me and told me what meal they could do gluten-free because of sauces and stuff in other meals. The only appetizer I could have contained seafood (yuck), so when I said no thanks, the server (also a student) went back to the kitchen and the instructor had them come up with an appetizer for me that I could have. I sort of feel that if they are learning how to be chefs in restaraunts, they should be learning about special diets. They actually seemed to be very well informed and I had a great dinner. I guess I just don't want to be a pain in the butt for my friend or her family.

[Lisa]

It seems like you came up with the perfect solution. As well, you have worked with a new line of cullinary chefs that will know about gluten free diets....Kudos to you.

[tarnalberry]

I just got an invitation to a childhood friend's wedding. Of course I am thrilled for her and will be attending. On the reply card, there is a place to check off your dinner (beef, chicken, salmon, child) preference. I have eaten at the place they are having the reception and they were quite accommodating to my needs. Would it be totally tacky to check off "beef" and then write gluten free beside it???? I don't want to be a pain in the ass on my friend's wedding day, but I also don't want them to pay for a meal I can't eat, or be left sitting there watching everyone else eat (again). WWYD?

I was talk to the bride directly. You could put that down on the card as a reminder, but talk to the bride directly, and offer to talk to the reception location directly yourself (as you've been there before) so she doesn't have to do the followup work, but also doesn't have to worry about what you've written on the card.

[2Boys4Me]

I was talk to the bride directly. You could put that down on the card as a reminder, but talk to the bride directly, and offer to talk to the reception location directly yourself (as you've been there before) so she doesn't have to do the followup work, but also doesn't have to worry about what you've written on the card.

Ditto.

And it is absolutely NOT tacky...it's your health.

[tammy]

I don't think that you are being tacky. I have turned down invitations to weddings though soley for the food situation. I must say though, that even for the parties that state that they can and will accommodate your dietary restrictions, accidents are bound to happen when serving for such a large number of people.

If the bride and groom are not opposed to you bringing your own meal and /or snacks then that is the safest way to go. Recently I attended a very informal social function with my husband's family. I brought a ton of snacks for both my husband and myself in an insulated lunch bag. Although my SIL laughed at me

it served the purpose. I certainly can understand that a wedding of a childhood friend is formal but with their permission, your health needs are just as important.

[Rusla]

Ok, all good suggestions. A little more about the place (Calgarians may be familiar with the Highwood Room). It is at a dining room that is run by the local college, the students are in cullinary school and are student/apprentice chefs (whatever you call it). I went there for a Christmas dinner. I called in advance, they said it was no problem. When I got there I identified myself, and they went over the menu with me and told me what meal they could do gluten-free because of sauces and stuff in other meals. The only appetizer I could have contained seafood (yuck), so when I said no thanks, the server (also a student) went back to the kitchen and the instructor had them come up with an appetizer for me that I could have. I sort of feel that if they are learning how to be chefs in restaraunts, they should be learning about special diets. They actually seemed to be very well informed and I had a great dinner. I guess I just don't want to be a pain in the butt for my friend or her family.

The Highwood Room, that is where the final year culinary students do it all. They must have added gluten-free foods into the criteria now. When I went it was not present but that was 25 years ago. I don't think you should have any problems there and it is not tacky to let the bride know.

[CeliaCruz]

From the bride's perspective, I'm sure she'd rather just have you there at her wedding. And if the kitchen staff has to be "inconvenienced" then so what? Caterers make big bucks off these things and occasionally they have to handle special needs. It's not like you are literally asking the bride to personally run back into the kitchen and cook you up a gluten-free meal after she takes her vows. They probably paid The Highwood Room a lot of money to hold this event for them and they should expect that their guests are accomodated.

I'm just thinking that if I were getting married and I found out that someone I loved couldn't be present because of a food issue, I'd be all, "whoa! can't we work something out here?" I'd be more upset that they DIDN'T talk to me about it beforehand and just didn't show up.

[darlindeb25]

All good suggestions. I believe it is the bride and grooms day and if there isn't anything there that I can have, then oh well. I am not going for the food, I am going to help them celebrate their day. You could sign the card as you said you would and maybe also call the Highwood Room and tell them you are attending the .......... wedding reception and that you need a gluten free meal, if possible. The one thing I do want to add here---don't tell people you are allergic to gluten--we try so hard to educate others about celiacs, we dont want to put this thought in their head. I am always trying to make others understand that it's not an allergy, it's an intolerance. Enjoy the wedding!!!!! Deb

[debmidge]

I hate situations like this..cause it forces you to feel like a pest (even though you're not).

My husband and I only go to weddings, etc. of close friends and family for this reason.

On one occasion I called the caterer directly & asked the manager a theoretical question: Can you accomodate a gluten-free meal at an affair? And they said "yes." So then I knew that when I contact the Host of the party to talk about gluten-free needs, I can say that I already did the "leg" work and that this particular restaurant/catetrer said that they can do it (I always offer to pay the extra if there's a extra charge for the special treatment).

Only one family member never got back to us when I asked him about it....we went to wedding anyway and it was a disaster as nothing was correct for my husband to eat (before gluten-free was known about - my husband avoided other foods thinking that a bland diet was best). One wedding was at a Spanish food place and there was nothing that my husband could eat, obviously that restaurant couldn't handle bland and gluten-free as it was a Buffet too. That's when we learned our lesson that unless we know the host/bride/groom very well, we don't attend the wedding/party, etc. I try to scope it out beforehand as best as I can.

Others may disagree with me, but I feel that if we are not close enough to you to be able to discuss a food restriction due to health or you don't know that my husband has "dietary restrictions" then maybe we're not as close to you as we thought and shouldn't be attending your party anyway. I know it appears to be defensive, but after that other wedding where I called his cousin, the Groom, and neither him nor the Bride cared enough to get back to us on this issue, I learned when to back off of a relationship.

Even at my own wedding, I knew that my Uncle didn't eat chicken, so I made sure that we had two Entres (this was during the days when you could only choose one entre for your entire party - I understand that now caterers will kind of supply a menu to the guests before the event where they can choose from beef, chicken or fish, which is nice too. But I think these items are pre-packaged and could be gluten-y.)

[darlindeb25]

Deb, I don't disagree with you. I too wish the world was more accomodating to all disorders, but sadly that is not how it is--yet. Maybe someday. The thing about weddings is--it isn't about us! It's about the bride and groom and we go to help them celebrate their new life together. I feel it's petty if we don't go just because there may not be something we can eat. It's not about my tummy, it's about their happiness and I go to give them a hug and kiss and to bless their union. How dare I allow food to stop me from celebrating their wonderful day. Deb

[penguin]

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding next month, and the bride is a close friend and is very concerned about gluten (she even surprised me with a cookbook!), but I'm not planning on eating at the reception.

I'm going to nurse a boost before the wedding and sneak one after the ceremony. I could techinically call the place the reception is going to be, and I know they can accomodate, but this restaurant has given me food poisioning in the past, so I'm not jumping up and down to be able to eat.

I can always eat after the wedding, and it's my responsibility to the bride to make sure I'm feeling well through the entire event.

Yay boost!

[NicoleAJ]

Talking with the bride is the best advice, but I do tend to handle each situation differently based on a number of factors.

For instance, one of my best friends from college just got married and she has not lived with me since my diagnosis, so she spoke to the caterer at her very ritzy formal wedding, and they seemed to have no interest in making special meals, so I just told her not to worry about it and ate beforehand, putting a gluten-free brownie in my purse. When the food started coming out, my waitress said that it was otherwise unadulterated sea bass and vegetables drowned in sauce and that they were not marinating it in anything or using flour or any of the usual suspects in preparing the fish or vegetables. I asked that they not put sauce on mine, and I had no problems with gluten or with cross contamination, so I just lucked out.

Another time, the bride was a person whose house I eat at all the time and her aunt also has celiac, so she asked me what I could eat at her wedding and I told her not to worry about it, but she contacted the caterer on her own and was great about describing what I needed-- I had a great filet mignon and baked potato, and I sent an extra special thank you for thinking of me when she had so many other details to worry about.

Also, my brother is getting married in November and my future SIL (who I love) told the caterer that it would be a deal breaker if they couldn't find something good for me to eat, and they said that they deal with these things all the time. I emailed her a modified description from Triumph dining cards and she sent it on to them, and they are are going to make something especially for me at a buffet-style wedding.

Yet, I agree if you don't know someone well or they just don't understand the importance of the food, there is no need to bother them with additional things to consider on their big day. At the wedding of a highschool buddy of my boyfriend's, I simply ate dinner beforehand, and when the best man asked why I wasn't eating, my boyfriend explained and after excusing himself for a few minutes, the best man came back to the table and said that the caterers were fully aware of gluten intolerances because they were making a gluten free meal for another guest and would be happy to make another one for me--I had no problems with the plain fish and green beans.

Moral of the story: if you simply take care of your own food options and don't expect people to accomodate you, you'll be surprised how often they actually go out of their way to help you.

2nd Moral: in cases where you don't know someone well but your significant other does, make sure that he or she advocates for you. I never asked him to, but my boyfriend has always very tactfully explained my dining options when we've gone to dinner at his friends or family's homes in advance, and I have never felt awkward in these instances. In fact, I've made very close friends who have been interested in learning not only about my lifestyle and diet options but also about me as a person. So you may just want to talk to significant other beforehand about sticking up for you in circumstances where it would be awkward for you to do the same.

[jenvan]

As Tiffany said, if you are going to write it on the card, you must follow-up. And don't assume that the cooks-in-training understanding food allergies... Personally I say wedding protocol depends on the situation--if I'm not in a wedding, then I typically bring my own food, and/or snack before. If it is a close friend, maybe I will make arrangements to have a meal microwaved. I was in a wedding this year and brought my own tv dinner, and supplemented it with a gluten-free fruit salad the caterer provided. (I didn't trust them for the whole meal...) Hope you enjoy the event!

[CeliaCruz]

Others may disagree with me, but I feel that if we are not close enough to you to be able to discuss a food restriction due to health or you don't know that my husband has "dietary restrictions" then maybe we're not as close to you as we thought and shouldn't be attending your party anyway.

I don't disagree at all. Sometimes you get invited to weddings because you are close friends with the bride and groom -- maybe you even introduced them -- and sometimes you get invited to weddings because you are the groom's father's accountant and it's a big wedding and they need to fill the church. In the first instance, I don't think it's tacky at all to check the situation out and find out if your needs can be accomodated. And if not? Boost or a gluten-free brownie in your purse. In the second instance, why bother?

[Rusla]

As Tiffany said, if you are going to write it on the card, you must follow-up. And don't assume that the cooks-in-training understanding food allergies... Personally I say wedding protocol depends on the situation--if I'm not in a wedding, then I typically bring my own food, and/or snack before. If it is a close friend, maybe I will make arrangements to have a meal microwaved. I was in a wedding this year and brought my own tv dinner, and supplemented it with a gluten-free fruit salad the caterer provided. (I didn't trust them for the whole meal...) Hope you enjoy the event!

The students who are in the Highwood Room are not just cooks-in-training. They are in their final phase and they have their instructors with them who are journeymen chefs. If she has had not problem there before then the instructors/chefs are well acquainted with the problems. If not as a Culinary Arts school they are under definite obligations to tell them that they are not familiar with it, probably that is one of the best places to be in the city.,

[debmidge]

Everyone has their own tricks to either bring food or snacks. In my husband's case, he has other food intolerances so there's really nothing he can take along with him that doesn't need to be cooked or need to be toted in a cooler and he can't afford to skip a meal because he's about 25 lbs. underweight. It may sound cruel, but I am more interested in my husband's well being than the bride. If we don't know the people well enough we don't go. Last wedding we went to was family, his sister, and there was nothing special for him and we are tired of asking people what they are serving, etc. We left the party early. I have had to take a strong stand on this because of his particular circumstances.

[jaten]

I agree with Darlindeb, a wedding is about the bride and groom. I personally would eat beforehand and afterwards. A wedding is not the time for me to promote Celiac awareness, nor is a time for me to feel crampy and otherwise sick. I believe everyone's focus should be on a bride and groom...it's their day, just their day. Even a close childhood friend shouldn't have to think about my Celiac on this day.

[debmidge]

Well, I don't think there' s no right or wrong on this opinion. We all have to make the decision for ourselves how we want to handle the problem.

Checking into the menu and food preparation isn't tacky when it's a close friend or relative. It's all up to the individual and their relationship to the B/G & family.

Our method is just another way of handling it. I really don't know why I have to take criticism of a very personal decision.

[Guest cassidy]

I am going to a wedding in June and I've been wondering about this. It is in another state and we will be up there for the weekend. We will have a rental car so I'm going to get locations of health food stores so I can stock up on snacks.

I have known the groom for 15 years. I'm going to call him and ask if the caterer can be contacted and if they can easily make a gluten-free meal. I think I'm also going to tell him that if the caterer doesn't respond well, not to worry, that I will just eat before or after or bring snacks.

This is a very large wedding in the best country club in town, so I don't know that I will feel comfortable bringing in my own food. I hate to be around people I don't know and have to sit at a table and not eat when they are serving all 6 courses (we will only know the bride and groom and they are inviting 700 people).

I'm going to another wedding in August, again out of state. This is my cousin's wedding and my mother who also has Celiac is in the wedding. The bride has already asked about our food choices and I feel much more comfortable about this one. They won't mind at all if I bring in my own food.

I don't want to not go just because of this, but it definitely is a concern.

[jenvan]

Cassidy-

You may want to try and contact the country club yourself. I had a better experience with a country club vs a caterer...I think being on their own turf and more requests for 'special meals' enabled them to offer me a gluten-free meal.

[jaten]

We all have to make the decision for ourselves how we want to handle the problem.

I agree completely.

Checking into the menu and food preparation isn't tacky when it's a close friend or relative.

I don't completely agree with this re: truly monumental occasions. That's my opinion, and I respect yours.

I really don't know why I have to take criticism of a very personal decision.

If that is in response to my previous post, I assure you, I meant no criticism. When a question of a subjective nature is posted in a forum, we all weigh in with our opinions. Skoki Mom asked a question. I read opinions. I posted my opinion which differed from the consensus. No judgment. Just opinion. I am really sorry you felt offended. Really.

Edit a few minutes later....

Debmidge, my post landed after yours in the forum, but it wasn't written in response to what you said; I wrote it in response to the original question.

[Guest cassidy]

Cassidy-

You may want to try and contact the country club yourself. I had a better experience with a country club vs a caterer...I think being on their own turf and more requests for 'special meals' enabled them to offer me a gluten-free meal.

Good idea! Once I get in the invitation, I'll do just that.