Celiac Girl Goes On A Date

[kari]

ack!!! i've been wondering for months since my diagnosis how this works, what i'll do, how i'll ask you guys for advice. I'm one of those with no obvious or horrible sudden symptoms, i just feel real sleepy and a little achy and cranky for a few days. a real pain considering i'm a waitress and need always be on my toes, but usually my a.d.d medication, some coffee, advil, and a lot of patience on my part and i get through okay.

i've been thinking a while about how i'd deal with this. i've worked in the food business for years, most of the people (guys) i hang out with are chefs and think about/talk about food a lot. i've often wondered how insecure i'll be when it comes to dating, especially with the guys i hang out with, and what i'll say and what i'll do and how we'll have nothing in common becuase food really isn't my thing; mainly because i can't touch most of it.

so an older lady at work (one of those clueless i could be your long lost aunt types) has had her heart set on setting me up with a nice guy that my father would approve of for some time now. so she introduces me to this great great adorable, nice, perfect guy from her sailing club, who gets my number and calls me the other day to go sailing this weekend. he ends the conversation by saying "great, i'll see you on saturday. all you need to bring is yourself. i'll stop on the way and fill the cooler with some food and some beer; see you then."

i stop dead in my tracks, because after only 6 months of this, i'm not sure what to do in this situation.

i don't have any obvious or awful symptoms. i also probably won't be talking to him again before we meet up. and i don't want to sound weird or high maintenence, i just want to for once be my own chill laid back sort of person that i always have been. do i:

a) just act as though i'm not at all hungry/thirsty/ etc. and just try to have a good time, hoping he doesn't assume i have an eating disorder or something

deal with it and spend one day acting like a normal person and then sucking it up and dealing with the non treacherous aftermath, knowing it was worth it, and hopefully, if things work out and we hang out again, being able to tell him later that i was so nervous and self conscious that i dealt with it to avoid making him think i was weird, and hoping in the long run that he thinks that was cute of me or

c) when he calls on saturday morning, telling him that i'm sick and i can't make it afterall.

[jayhawkmom]

If it were me... I would ask him what he'd planned to pick up, and give him some suggestions. If you aren't comfortable explaining your "diet" to him, you could easily make some very generalized suggestions... fruits, veggies, things you KNOW are gluten-free.

Of course, I've been married for almost 10 years and have NO clue what the dating world is like anymore. So, I don't know if I can really help you. But, GOOD LUCK, and have fun!!!

[Nantzie]

I would find a way to get his number, tell him that you have some food "allergies", and that you'll supply the cooler with the food and drinks.

Here's a way to spin it so that it's laid back now, but might be cute later -- Just tell him that you're so used to having "food allergies", and it's such a normal part of your life, that it didn't occur to you until just now to mention it. If he offers to work around it or anything like that, just let him know that it can be a little technical, and you've already got tons of food to bring, so it's not a problem to just put it in a cooler. Then commence cooking, packaging and planning like crazy.

If it just ends up being a first and only date, it's no skin off your nose, and you don't get sick on top of it.

If you fall head over heels in love with each other, and he finds out that you have to analyze every thing that goes into your mouth, it will be just one of a zillion things that he thinks are adorable about you.

If you can't get ahold of him before your date, pack your own mini cooler with your food, saying the same thing. So normal for you that you didn't think of it until the last minute. If you end up stuck in this situation, make sure you Ooo and Ahh over his food a little bit. Like, oh, that smells great. If your stuck with this situation, be prepared to give more info and answer more questions. But keep that philosophical, "don't think much about it" thing going.

If it gets to the point where he wants to know more, this is an analogy that I've found that non-celiacs can relate to --

I tell my friends that I still enjoy the smell of gluten food like pizza, bakeries, etc., the same way most people enjoy the smells of flowers, perfume and scented candles. But it wouldn't occur to me to eat the pizza any more than it would occur to you to drink the perfume. It doesn't make my enjoyment of it any less though.

My father-in-law, who is kind of a crusty old guy, loves to bake bread. He's really good at it. I always make a point to tell him how wonderful his bread smells, and how much I'm hearing everyone talk about how they look forward to coming over because they want to taste what he's baking. It's all true. AND it also shows him that I'm not feeling offended or left out by him baking things that I can't eat.

All in all, people just want to be appreciated for their efforts.

Let us know what happens.

Nancy

[up-late]

Does the lady who's set you up know your gluten free? maybe she could mention it to him. I'd eat before I went though just in case. Sailing, I haven't been sailing for years, I'm jealous.

[CarlaB]

I find people usually like open and honest, but not too much info. Call him back, tell him when he said he was going to have a cooler with food and beer, you were too flustered at the time to say anything, but you have food issues (don't start out calling them allergies, or that's what they'll always be in his mind!), and you want to bring something similar for yourself. He's trying to impress you, so he'll be thrilled he was able to fluster you. You'll look real and not like some high maintenance babydoll.

[kbtoyssni]

I usually refer to celiac disease around new people as dietary restrictions. That way I'm not going into detail, but I'm also not being incorrect by saying it's an allergy or something. If the person is really interested, they'll ask questions and then I get into celiac disease. I'd tell the guy about it and bring some of your own food that you can share with him. I'm very open about the disease with everyone I meet and I always bring food to share - partially for myself so I can be part of the mass-food eating and partially to educate my friends on what a celiac can and cannot eat. They are often surprised by the really common foods I bring along - they often assume the diet is so restrictive that they don't realize all the stuff I CAN eat. At first I felt like anytime I went out the conversation revolved around me and my food, but now it's so natural for me to talk about it. It's very matter-of-fact for me, this is the way it is, this is what I eat, no biggie. If you don't make a big deal of it, hopefully he won't either. If he does, he's probably not worth it. Good luck

[bklynceliac]

guy's perspective: he's not going to care. honestly. Guys don't like girls who are afraid to eat because they feel grapes will make them fat, but beyond that, you're in the clear. I wouldn't use the phrase "food issues", it sounds more mental than physical. I also don't think you even need to call him in advance. If you don't make it into a big deal, it won't be one. Bring a few things to share, tell him you have a wheat allergy (not totally accurate, but gets the point across), and move on with a fun date. Honestly, the last thing he's thinking about is "did she like the snacks i brought?". No one reasonable would view a serious "allergy" as high maintenance.

[eleep]

I'm just chiming in to agree with the suggestions above -- I've also had to struggle with this issue of needing to be more in control of things and trying to reconcile it with what used to be my "laid-back" approach towards food and such. I'm learning that being in control doesn't necessarily have to mean being nervous or controlling (very different things). As I'm getting used to knowing what I need to do to be sure that I'm fed and protected on a day-to-day basis, it's getting a whole lot easier to be laid back about it all!

eleep

[CarlaB]

guy's perspective: he's not going to care. honestly. Guys don't like girls who are afraid to eat because they feel grapes will make them fat, but beyond that, you're in the clear. I wouldn't use the phrase "food issues", it sounds more mental than physical. I also don't think you even need to call him in advance. If you don't make it into a big deal, it won't be one. Bring a few things to share, tell him you have a wheat allergy (not totally accurate, but gets the point across), and move on with a fun date. Honestly, the last thing he's thinking about is "did she like the snacks i brought?". No one reasonable would view a serious "allergy" as high maintenance.

If it's just the two of you he's bringing food for, I'd tell him in advance if it's a meal because he should know he only needs half as much as he was planning on. If it's just a few snacks, no need as mentioned by bklyceliac.

Good point about "issues" but I still wouldn't use "allergies" either. Maybe "intolerances" is a good word.

[elonwy]

I'm always just open and up front about it. I explain that I'm gluten intolerant, they respond with Wha?, I go into no WRBO, and they go wow, get slighlty overwhelmed at first and then I offer to deal with the food part. Seriously, I think he'll be more offended if he finds out later that you couldn't eat that stuff that if you tell him up front. And the whole saying you're sick thing...... Its a sailboat. Seriously. Are you mad? Of course you have to go. Every single guy I've been on a date with has been attentive and interested and worried about me, and its really nice. I let my dates read my dining cards, helps a bit more than explaining, they get it a bit quicker that way. The one that's hard for me is when to say "If you eat gluten I can't kiss you, cause I don't want to come off as telling them I want a kiss right away, but don't want to have to pull back in full gluten retreat later.

Sigh.

Have a good time. Boat people are usually super-chill.

Elonwy

[kabowman]

I agree with the guys perspective - guys don't care that much, bring him extras in your cooler, make sure you have some fun drinks for yourself, issues sounds more mental than physical, go with wheat allergy, anything made with real flour and grains if he asks, then have fun.

Guys are usually much more willing than I am to give in on something. Always have been.

Recently re-married about 4 years ago so dating wasn't that long ago and nobody cared when I had other resctictions, this is just the latest - I just said I can't eat that, makes me sick, and the date went on...sometimes they would even propose on the 2nd, 3rd date so I would have to dump them (you know, when I realized they were serious!!!). Anyway...guys don't care as long as you don't really put them out too much.

So, long story short, bring your own food and fun drinks and have a great day.

[CarlaB]

I agree with the guys perspective - guys don't care that much, bring him extras in your cooler, make sure you have some fun drinks for yourself, issues sounds more mental than physical, go with wheat allergy, anything made with real flour and grains if he asks, then have fun.

Guys are usually much more willing than I am to give in on something. Always have been.

Recently re-married about 4 years ago so dating wasn't that long ago and nobody cared when I had other resctictions, this is just the latest - I just said I can't eat that, makes me sick, and the date went on...sometimes they would even propose on the 2nd, 3rd date so I would have to dump them (you know, when I realized they were serious!!!). Anyway...guys don't care as long as you don't really put them out too much.

So, long story short, bring your own food and fun drinks and have a great day.

Do guys really propose on the second or third date??????

[eleep]

The only problems I've had were actually in situations where I was vague with my communication or brought things up in ways that prolonged any focus on the subject. "I'm allergic to wheat and barley, so can't have beer" goes over a whole lot better than "I don't drink beer". Actually, I love beer and would drink it if I could -- however, I'm also tired of having conversations about how much I miss real beer and how much the guy in question can't imagine going without it, so I generally follow the allergy statement with "I'd love some cider/wine/tequila drinks" and change the subject.

Actually, the one exception was a guy who, when I said I was allergic to beer asked me questions in detail so I finally confessed to recovering from an autoimmune disease, whereupon he lifted his shirt, showed me a humongous scar running across his belly and said: "I'm recovering from a shark attack -- I got bitten by a shark named cancer". He was all of about 30, very cute and turned out to be a really good guy, but I'm not operating with a whole enough heart and body these days to take on someone like that. However, he has since been spending a lot of time with a friend of mine who's two years out of a marriage and totally in a position to be dating seriously again. I feel pretty good for having helped them make that connection nonetheless.

eleep

[2Boys4Me]

I usually refer to celiac disease around new people as dietary restrictions.

We call it a special diet. Restrictions sound so limiting. Of course Ty's only six, so we use special diet to make him feel special not left out.

[kabowman]

That actually happened twice in between my husbands. Some others wanted to move in together pretty quickly, sorry, I have kids and they haven't even met you yet--and they knew I had kids. Single men just want to get serious...haven't seen many who didn't except for once or twice anyway...

[Vladimir Gluten]

Do guys really propose on the second or third date??????

A friend of mine did and has been happily married for 13 years. He just knew.

Now, for the most part, that is not a good idea.

[jerseyangel]

A friend of mine did and has been happily married for 13 years. He just knew.

Now, for the most part, that is not a good idea.

I met my husband in July, got engaged in October (Halloween!), and married in April! That was 31 years ago--obviously not right for everyone, but it worked out well for us

[utdan]

From another guy's perspective who's in the middle of the dating scene: I agree that you should call him up and say you had to tell him that in remembering he said "beer and sandwhiches" you have wheat and barley allergies. I wouldn't say "disease" or "issues." If he needs a perspective on how sensitive you are just say its similar to someone being allergic to tree nuts. Also you could tell him that instead of beer and sandwhiches some fruit juice and fruit would be better. Some guys don't care what you eat, but others are really into their food and will try to impress you with it. I had a roomate that was trying to impress this one girl, and in making his pasta sauce he said he spent four hours! Yeah, food is really important to some guys, but not most.

Some of the main things is that the date is light and positive and naturally fun. You calling him now will prevent the date from having a negative moment. Most likely it wouldn't be a big issue either way, but I think it would be better for you, at least, to call him now. CarlaB is right, a guy that is already interested in you primarily wants to know you are interested in him, not what food you do or don't eat.

Chances are he will already have a second date planned before your first so be ready with suggestions on restaurants in the area.

[aikiducky]

Heh, I just asked my hubby what he thought and he said the only thing that would really annoy him would be vague information. He at least would prefer to hear "I can't eat wheat, barley, rye and oats" to "umm, I'm not that hungry" or some other excuse.

Pauliina

[kari]

oh my goodness, i couldn't believe how many responses i got to this or how helpful you guys were!! i really appreciate it. i guess i just wasn't sure how to go about it. i know 'food issues' sounds bad, and if you refer to it as a disease you sound 'diseased', etc. etc. and i know on any other first date situation, going out somewhere since there's always at least something to order and the options are there, or if we're just doing something for a few hours and food has nothing to do with it, it would have been easy to let it slide and get around it and then casually bring it up when and how i felt comfortable because i've thought about how i'd handle it. but this scenario caught me off guard. i wasn't expecting for someone to ask me to take off sailing with them (meaning all day - early morning through the whole day, which is why i can't avoid the issue), and growing up on a sailboat i know that when people go out on their boats for the day, it's usually a hang out and drink beer sort of day. i just hate to make people feel like they have to make exceptions for me, or be prepared for me, or go out of their way, you know? and along those lines i definitely think it would be weird and seem out there to call and explain first - i think that sounds logical to us, because we get it, but to all the other people who don't get it, but not everyone gets it in the same way that we all do.

so thanks for all the advice!!

[daffadilly]

I would not worry one bit about the food, pack your cooler & take extras like everyone said, & maybe a bottle of wine for two - I agree with the guy perspective, guys do not care about the food, if he has extras he will eat them on the boat or for breakfast the next day

If you can do dairy, you could pack some gourmet cheeses, rice crackers, thick deli ham, & fruit

It is just common courtesy for anyone that is inviting one fishing or boating to say they will pack a cooler.

The tip here is that he is bringing beer, which means that it is not going to be a gourmet picnic that he has spent three days cooking.

the most important thing for you to do is to wear sneakers, cute bathing suit & sunscreen

Have a fun day !!!!

[eKatherine]

Even though "allergic" is not strictly correct, you could say "I'm like allergic to wheat, barley.stuff like that", which would give him enough information to understand the situation without getting remotely technical.

[Guest nini]

in response to "do guys really propose on the 2 or 3 rd date?" how about this... Mine proposed on the first date and we moved in together within days of the first date. We've been together coming up on 16 years and married for almost 14 now.

if you have access to any gluten-free beer near you, you could bring some of that, or like was suggested, a nice bottle of wine

and for snacks, bring yourself some chips and salsa, maybe some fresh fruit, some cheeses and rice crackers, popcorn... (already popped of course)

[CarlaB]

My husband and I knew very quickly that we were right for each other and probably would have been married much sooner if we hadn't been in college, but what Kate said sounded like they were asking when the guy would not have gotten the idea that she was really interested in him! I don't doubt it works, it happened to me, but hubby definately knew I was very interested!!!

Have fun on your date!!

[Rikki Tikki]

I just made it really simple at first, just that I couldn't eat anything with gluten in it and then when asked it was just anything made from grains. It just has never been a problem, I don't make it a big deal. They may have felt differently as they got to know me and I opened up more about it but I have found most men have gone out of their way to see that there was something I could have. I just kept it light until I got them under my spell Then I told them what it really involved. Just kidding about the spell thing, I just have found that if I didn't make a big deal about it it wasn't a big deal for them.