Was I Wrong?

[Roda]

My parents are here for a visit. I really enjoy their company, but obviouslly I offended my father. I've decided since there are three of us in the house that are gluten free that no guests have free access to my kitchen. This is to avoid CC. Everything was fine until breakfast yesterday. My mom had fixed my dad breakfast with regular toast. They had separate butter, but she gave him the whole jar of strawberry jam. I didn't hear her tell him to scoop and dump so I scooped some in a container for him. He got mad and said he was capable of not contaminating it and accused me, through my mom, of treating him like a child. Ugg. Yes, he is capable, the problem is whether or not he remembers. He CC'd several of my things when we were there in June visiting. Luckily I realized it before I ate the stuff. So am I being ridiculous? I just want my home to be the one place I don't have to constantly stress and worry.

[kareng]

I do stuff like that if I'm around when they are fixing gluteny food. I just say, "this way, if I goof up, I'm making myself sick and it can't be your fault.".

Your mom probably just reminded him right before you came in!

[sariesue]

Do other members of your household eat gluten? If your house is gluten-free, then I wouldn't bring gluten into the house just for your parents. My house is almost entirely gluten-free, when my parents come visit they eat gluten-free in my house. If we go out to eat they can eat whatever they want. You could offer them the same choice, to either eat gluten-free in your home so there is no risk of CC OR to eat out if they will inisist that they can't go a few days without gluten.

[captaincrab55]

My mom had fixed my dad breakfast with regular toast. They had separate butter, but she gave him the whole jar of strawberry jam. I didn't hear her tell him to scoop and dump so I scooped some in a container for him.

Roda, IMHO... Mistake 1, Could of been just allowing evil bread in your house.... Mistake 2, Was the toast made in your toaster??? Next time just have some fresh baked gluten-free bread...

Way to often the simple things about gluten-free are so confusing and hard to understand by our loved ones... I'm fast learning to remove chance and confusing situations by controling the choices at my house...

btw, You did right scooping it to a smaller container...

[bigbird16]

You weren't wrong at all. Your house, your rules. I've told guests that they may not bring gluten, dairy, or soy into the house under any circumstances. If they go out to eat, they may not store leftovers in my fridge (eat it all or pitch it, basically). Still, one guest who was staying a week cced me with soy sauce, cooking chicken for me after cooking chicken for her kids and not cleaning the pan well between cookings. She had takeout packets with her, which I found out about later. It ruined Thanksgiving. Your health is non-negotiable, and you should feel safe in your own home.

[tarnalberry]

I'm going to say that you guys just had a bad moment.

We have a mostly gluten free household, though my husband does have his own bread and toaster no matter how rarely used it is. When my IL's visit, they often do bring gluteny foods in. Yeah, it makes me paranoid. But my FIL had a heart attack a number of years ago, and they follow (loosely) the Ornish diet, which is heavy on whole grains and soluble fiber. They rely a fair amount on whole wheat products, particularly shredded wheat for a midnight bowl of cereal and whole wheat toast for sandwiches for lunches that they take with them during the days they go off to a dance convention.

Asking them to not bring gluten into the house would require a very large shift in their whole day's eating pattern and affect their ability to get the diet they try to maintain in a way that is at least mildly comfortable for them. Since my MIL is fairly good about contamination issues, however, I don't ask them to make that huge of a compromise. Shared meals are gluten free, of course, and outside of one pan kept just for them and their regular oatmeal, anything that is cooked in my cookware is gluten free. Condiments are scoop/dump or dish into a bowl. And they've gotten used to it.

But have I ever had the worried "you didn't double dip, did you?" panicked question come from my mouth? Oh yes. Even more so the week they were here right after our daughter was born. But - and I think this is where you and your dad need to talk - they forgave me any perceived offense and I apologies for any taken with the understanding that it's all born out from a little sense of paranoia on my part and a habit that can be really hard to break on their part. We just offer each other the grace and space to be faulty in this area (amongst so many others ).

Yes, it may have been a little offensive, but having been in your shoes, I understand it and might have done it myself. But I also would rather be safe in my house than avoid offending anyone. Your dad may not understand the emotions wrapped up in having ONE safe place, in all the world, where you don't have to be on constant alert. Talk to him about it.

[sariesue]

I'm going to say that you guys just had a bad moment.

We have a mostly gluten free household, though my husband does have his own bread and toaster no matter how rarely used it is. When my IL's visit, they often do bring gluteny foods in. Yeah, it makes me paranoid. But my FIL had a heart attack a number of years ago, and they follow (loosely) the Ornish diet, which is heavy on whole grains and soluble fiber. They rely a fair amount on whole wheat products, particularly shredded wheat for a midnight bowl of cereal and whole wheat toast for sandwiches for lunches that they take with them during the days they go off to a dance convention.

Asking them to not bring gluten into the house would require a very large shift in their whole day's eating pattern and affect their ability to get the diet they try to maintain in a way that is at least mildly comfortable for them. Since my MIL is fairly good about contamination issues, however, I don't ask them to make that huge of a compromise. Shared meals are gluten free, of course, and outside of one pan kept just for them and their regular oatmeal, anything that is cooked in my cookware is gluten free. Condiments are scoop/dump or dish into a bowl. And they've gotten used to it.

But have I ever had the worried "you didn't double dip, did you?" panicked question come from my mouth? Oh yes. Even more so the week they were here right after our daughter was born. But - and I think this is where you and your dad need to talk - they forgave me any perceived offense and I apologies for any taken with the understanding that it's all born out from a little sense of paranoia on my part and a habit that can be really hard to break on their part. We just offer each other the grace and space to be faulty in this area (amongst so many others ).

Yes, it may have been a little offensive, but having been in your shoes, I understand it and might have done it myself. But I also would rather be safe in my house than avoid offending anyone. Your dad may not understand the emotions wrapped up in having ONE safe place, in all the world, where you don't have to be on constant alert. Talk to him about it.

I think that your case is little different than most if your father is on the Ornish diet as part of his treatment for his heart problem. I know when my grandfather had heart failure he had a very strict no salt diet low fat diet that was crucial to keeping him alive and with it he lived 10 years longer than any dr expected. This special diet was also considered medically necessary, not just a choice. That case is very different than a parent who just don't want to go without gluten for a few days. This can be a bigger issue if the person has a 100% gluten-free household or is super sensitive. IMHO regardless of what restrictions you put on a guest, they should be informed prior to arrival so they can make alternate lodging plans if they don't feel they can comply with the restrictions they have the option of finding a hotel. Or make an agreement with you. Like with your parents, you could agree that they could have the shredded wheat in your house, but have certified gluten-free oatmeal and get their sandwiches at Subway or a local deli on the way to the competition instead of bringing bread into your house.

[mamaw]

When you were young & lived in your parents home, they set the ground- rules..It was their home... now you are an adult & you have your own castle so now you rule your domain.. So as a child you had to respect their house rules & now they need to understand you are an adult & they when at your home must respect your rules... It goes both ways...since all are adults now...

Plus your father should understand diets since he follows one himself. Would he have liked it if you fed him fatty , greasy foods & didn't respect his illness? He would have thought you didn't care about him & his welfare, for sure ---- so he needs to respect your issue as well...

I don't permit any smoking in my house& many find that offensive of me!!!! But I get deathly ill from smoke....

Time for Dad to grow up.....

[srall]

This is a toughie, and we have the same issue with visiting parents and in-laws here too. The house is mostly gluten free, although every once in awhile my husband will bake something for himself.

As far as visitors, we haven't been made sick yet so I guess we're being pretty careful. I am very close to declaring a gluten free house though. A couple of weeks ago my husband and daughter went on a camping trip and I sent her with a bunch of gluten free food. My husband decided to make a cake for himself and I as usual nagged him about being safe with the flour. Imagine my horror when I woke up Saturday morning delighted to have the house to myself for the weekend only to realize there was a coating of flour all over the fruit bowl in the kitchen. There was flour everywhere. So instead of lounging in front of the t.v. I spent the morning decontaminating the kitchen.

I think no matter how close people are to these issues (I mean...my husband has been witness to the havoc gluten plays on myself and my daughter, and yet he is so careless,) I just don't think you "get" it until you "live" it.

I'm sure your dad was momentarily offended and hopefully it's forgotten. I think if you've got 3 people gluten free, you just can't worry too much about offending people when all you are trying to do is be safe.

[notme]

if i could have one more visit with my mom, she could eat any damb thing her heart desired. i would keep my eyes open and probably throw alot of things out when she left, lol

MY DAD will be eating gluten free if he ever comes to visit me. i figure once in 15 years, i got nothing to worry about.....

when my husband's parents come to visit, i cook the meals but i let them have gluten if it goes with the meal: ie: chili (gluten-free) with saltines <poison - but i make a huuuuge show of removing some of the meal for myself and separating anything else i might eat farrr away from the gluten when serving.

[tarnalberry]

I think that your case is little different than most if your father is on the Ornish diet as part of his treatment for his heart problem. I know when my grandfather had heart failure he had a very strict no salt diet low fat diet that was crucial to keeping him alive and with it he lived 10 years longer than any dr expected. This special diet was also considered medically necessary, not just a choice. That case is very different than a parent who just don't want to go without gluten for a few days. This can be a bigger issue if the person has a 100% gluten-free household or is super sensitive. IMHO regardless of what restrictions you put on a guest, they should be informed prior to arrival so they can make alternate lodging plans if they don't feel they can comply with the restrictions they have the option of finding a hotel. Or make an agreement with you. Like with your parents, you could agree that they could have the shredded wheat in your house, but have certified gluten-free oatmeal and get their sandwiches at Subway or a local deli on the way to the competition instead of bringing bread into your house.

You're right that it's a little different. If they were not in that situation, I may well ask that they do not bring in any gluteny foods. (I'm not sure, since I haven't had to try to make that decision.)

But Roda is in the position where she has allowed these foods in her house and simply asks that they take proper precautions. She can certainly change her mind on the rules (allowing it in the house) if she feels it's appropriate. (I am totally on board with the "your house, your rules" thing.)

So this isn't a broken rule thing, this is just a sensitivity to words and feelings sort of thing, really. (At least, based on how I read it.)

[captaincrab55]

if i could have one more visit with my mom, she could eat any damb thing her heart desired. i would keep my eyes open and probably throw alot of things out when she left, lol

If I could see my Mom one more time, I could tell her she has Celiac Disease... It would be a gluten-free meal for her....

[anabananakins]

He was probably feeling sensitive because of your mum saying the same thing moments before. Or he was being really conscious of making sure to do the right thing.. People don't like being nagged, but they don't realise how important this is to us and that we're going to nag to be sure. I do the same at my mum's place, especially with my sister. You did the right thing and I think you're being nice letting them have their gluten-y bread in your house. I won't let anyone bring gluten into my place.

[Roda]

Yes, I do believe it was taken wrong because of my mom just before, telling him to be careful. My husband does still eat gluten, and is very careful. There is a dedicated area just for him and therefore my parents. Luckily he has now gotten over it and we have been having a good time. I worry because there are threee of us in the house and I want my boys to be able to navigate the house freely without worries.(leave the worries to mom). The only time he has eaten gluten in my house was the day I posted this and this morning. I didn't say a word this morning and everything went fine. I have fed him gluten free, and he made the comment to my mom that everything was delishious. I even made him "reubens" on my bread. I was hoping to do a little experiment on him while he was here without knowing by eating gluten free while he was here for the duration. It didn't pan out since he has been drinking beer. Oh well We have been having a great visit and that's what counts!