Jump to content
This site uses cookies. Continued use is acceptance of our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. More Info... ×
  • Welcome to Celiac.com!

    You have found your celiac tribe! Join us and ask questions in our forum, share your story, and connect with others.




  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A1):



    Celiac.com Sponsor (A1-M):


  • Get Celiac.com Updates:
    Support Our Content
    eNewsletter
    Donate

A Summary Of 2011 (Funny)


IrishHeart

Recommended Posts

IrishHeart Veteran

A friend sent this to me...thought you guys would enjoy it. :lol:

As we approach the end of the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Timmies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):



Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):



GFreeMO Proficient

HA HA! Thanks for the laugh Irish! That was hilarious. :lol:

bartfull Rising Star

Oooohhhh nnnooooo! :unsure: Now I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight! :lol:

kareng Grand Master

:blink:

I'm staying in my house and hiding. Except there was that email about the blue ice from airplanes' toilets falling thru roofs & killing people!

ciamarie Rookie

Wow, thanks for sharing that. I learned a few things! :lol:

actually, lol -it was very funny.

IrishHeart Veteran
  On 12/15/2011 at 11:51 PM, kareng said:

:blink:

I'm staying in my house and hiding. Except there was that email about the blue ice from airplanes' toilets falling thru roofs & killing people!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ravenwoodglass Mentor

This is just too funny. Off to email this to a freind... Mawwwhaaaahaaa


Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):
Celiac.com Sponsor (A8):



Celiac.com Sponsor (A8-M):



elye Community Regular

Oh, great.. . . .the Violin Spider.. . ..:unsure:... . . ....hadn't heard about HIM before.....

:lol:

Bubba's Mom Enthusiast

LOL..thanks for the chuckle. I needed that today. :D

IrishHeart Veteran
  On 12/16/2011 at 12:49 PM, elye said:

Oh, great.. . . .the Violin Spider.. . ..:unsure:... . . ....hadn't heard about HIM before.....

:lol:

me, neither....does anyone know about this guy??

bartfull Rising Star

Hmm...well I know that brown recluse spiders are sometimes called fiddleback spiders. They are very nasty critters. I also know that in the old days, some people would put rattlesnake rattles inside their violins on the theory that it would keep spiders away. (I don't think it worked very well though.)

Di2011 Enthusiast

Here in Australia it is just presumed anything snake, spider, bug like is poisonous and deadly :unsure:

My mums green house had an unidentified "something" which took weeks to identify. very strangely and unexpectably it was a turtle. After 10 years of drought it was a stange surprise. This very old turtle was returned to its likely home (big lake/dam nearby) and hope it will be an old sole for other turtles in the neighbourhood.

Booghead Contributor

Funny :D

Also to Diandliam: This is the very reason I tell people I never want to go to australia.

They ask me if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? I either say "Russia because its too cold for anything scary to live there, other then communists." Or "Anywhere but australia because they have poisonious air."

I'm pretty sure kangaroos are poisonious too. LOL

bigbird16 Apprentice
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, Irish!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A19):



  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      130,226
    • Most Online (within 30 mins)
      7,748

    Anselmrosseti
    Newest Member
    Anselmrosseti
    Joined

  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A20):


  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      121.3k
    • Total Posts
      1m

  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A22):




  • Who's Online (See full list)


  • Celiac.com Sponsor (A21):



  • Upcoming Events

  • Posts

    • nataliallano
      Thanks Kitty for your guidance. I will do the test to see if I have nutrients deficiencies and at the same time re organize my diet to see if that helps with my vertigo and other symptoms.   
    • knitty kitty
      Yes, Vitamin D is frequently low in Celiac Disease and Meniere's both.  Ask for an Erythrocyte Transketolace test to check for thiamine insufficiency.  Diuretics can cause excess thiamine loss.  Benfotiamine is a form of thiamine that improves intestinal health.  Thiamine in the form TTFD (Tetrahydrofurfuryl Disulfide) helped improve my Meniere's syndrome.
    • nataliallano
      Kitty, to correct the anemia I got IV iron and B complex for 30 days. Then my next step will be test for nutritional deficiencies.   
    • knitty kitty
      Welcome to the forum, @nataliallano, There's a dozen or so vitamins and about as many minerals that our bodies need to live and thrive.  Our vitamins and minerals can become depleted in Celiac Disease due to malabsorption and inflammation, so we need to eat a nutritionally dense diet, and keep inflammation to a minimum.  
    • knitty kitty
      No, not if you've got an official diagnosis already.   Let's continue our conversation on this thread... Thanks
×
×
  • Create New...