Unsupportive Spouse

[maggiesimpson]

Do any of you have an unsupportive spouse/partner in regard to you being gluten free? My hubby is awful about it. He thinks the nutritionist I saw put crazy ideas in my head, and that he knows better than the doctors. I am in the process of getting tested. I was learning to eat healthier and changing to a whole foods diet when I discovered my digestive problems. This was after years of feeling icky and thinking it was normal.

So, I am trying new recipes and buying gluten-free ingredients, but hubby is fed up with it all. He just wants to go back to eating like before. He gripes that he's getting screwed and he's has to suffer. I have told him repeatedly that he can eat whatever he wants, and he doesn't have to eat what I make. It's just the two of us, so how hard is it to cook yourself some dinner? I think he wants me to cook for him, which would mean me waking up an hour or two early since I work overnights and he's on normal day hours. Poor him. His wife is such an inconvenience to him. Nevermind that I'm the one who's ill and has to cut out some of my favorite foods, not to mention working FT and going to school and currently fighting an awful case of fatigue due to low thyroid levels.

I figured maybe some of you could relate. My friends already don't care for him and the unsupportive nature he had before this. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm off to go hide under my covers now.

[kareng]

My friends already don't care for him and the unsupportive nature he had before this.

Sorry you married a jerk. But sounds like you knew that when you married him?

No point in trying to help you educate him or expect him to "get it". Sounds like he really only cares about himself and he did before your health issues. You can keep him if thats how you like to live. That is certainly your choice but please don't expect that to be a healthy way for children to live.

[ravenwoodglass]

If you are still in the process of being tested you should NOT be gluten free or gluten light yet. It will ensure a false negative and then he will really be doing an 'I told you so'. So do go back to eating a regular gluten filled diet until all testing is done.

There are a lot of naturally gluten free foods out there, steak and potatoes, chicken, fish, and a whole host of homecooked foods. After you're diagnosed just do some homecooking and don't even tell him the food is gluten free until he has been eating gluten free dinners for a week or two.

You might also want to have him go with you to the doctor after you are diagnosed so the doctor can tell him that you really do need him to keep you safe.

Of course if he is abusive, neglectfull and controlling in other ways IMHO a visit to a divorce lawyer might be in order. If he loves you he should want you to be healthy and happy. You are not his cook and maid you are the women he should love and take care of and it won't kill him to do some of his own cooking as it sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate already between working and school.

Take it from someone who's been there sometimes being alone is the best thing you can do for yourself even if it means a bit more financial insecurity.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

[NickMcKinnis]

Do any of you have an unsupportive spouse/partner in regard to you being gluten free? My hubby is awful about it. He thinks the nutritionist I saw put crazy ideas in my head, and that he knows better than the doctors. I am in the process of getting tested. I was learning to eat healthier and changing to a whole foods diet when I discovered my digestive problems. This was after years of feeling icky and thinking it was normal.

So, I am trying new recipes and buying gluten-free ingredients, but hubby is fed up with it all. He just wants to go back to eating like before. He gripes that he's getting screwed and he's has to suffer. I have told him repeatedly that he can eat whatever he wants, and he doesn't have to eat what I make. It's just the two of us, so how hard is it to cook yourself some dinner? I think he wants me to cook for him, which would mean me waking up an hour or two early since I work overnights and he's on normal day hours. Poor him. His wife is such an inconvenience to him. Nevermind that I'm the one who's ill and has to cut out some of my favorite foods, not to mention working FT and going to school and currently fighting an awful case of fatigue due to low thyroid levels.

I figured maybe some of you could relate. My friends already don't care for him and the unsupportive nature he had before this. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm off to go hide under my covers now.

I don't have anyone in my life like that any longer, and never one with such an important role but I still understand. It's hard enough to do any of the things you are trying to accomplish much less doing ALL of it with an unsupportive mate. Maybe he could convinced of the seriousness of the diet if he was fully informed on the complications that could arise if you don't follow it? I am of the opinion that if he doesn't like what you are eating that he should take more responsibility for finding new safe options.

I wish you the best of luck in your struggles.

[notme]

you can make lots of meals that are naturally gluten-free. just don't tell him that they are in the beginning, when i as adjusting my family, i would just separate out mine from theirs (it was the same stuff!!!) and pretended to 'add gluten' - it seemed to make them happy. or, you know, give him bread with his. sometimes i just had to cook 'regular' pasta (until we found tinkyada, which is so close to 'regular' pasta they couldn't tell) give us an idea of things he is used to eating and we can advise you how to adjust it.

of course, if he's just a jerk, well, then this is not his only issue. my husband watched me suffer in pain for years. he was more than happy to eat ANYTHING as long as it would make me feel better. if you are celiac or gluten intolerant there are going to be other adjustments you'll have to make to stay healthy, too...

rest. welcome to here. this is a good place to vent and we also have a ton of wonderful cooks with great advise. good luck!

[Adalaide]

I don't have a full time job, heck I don't have a part time job! I only work as a sub at a local college. Anyway, my husband works and I more or less don't and I still don't cook for him. I'm pretty sure I didn't marry him so I could be his maid or personal chef and if he doesn't like what I make (and generally he doesn't) than he can starve or cook for himself. I used to be married to (in plain English) an ass and I don't take crap from anyone anymore, least of all someone who signed on to love, cherish, blah blah in sickness, blah blah foot rubs, blah blah back scratching. It's one thing not to be supportive, it's entirely another for him to not care that you're sick.

I agree on the testing thing, you can't be gluten free before you are tested. Instead of positive tests that he can't really deny you'll end up with a whole lot of "I told you so" that won't be good for you. It's important to have good support, if you can't find it anywhere else we have some here for you. Honestly though you need to examine whether or not you'll ever be able to be healthy with or without a diagnosis if things don't change in your relationship. Accepting that things are bad sucks but it gives you the chance to make them better.

[Skylark]

I really feel for you. I was married to a jerk. Notice that sentence is past-tense. We didn't have children, he refused couples counseling, things were escalating to where my physical safety was questionable, and my only option left was to walk out on him. I left thinking that moving out would get him to take me seriously, only I realized a 1000 lb weight had been lifted off my shoulders so I filed for divorce. Life is much to short to spend with a jerk.

You probably didn't come here to hear us telling you to walk out on him, but at the least you need to look into some couples counseling. What he is doing is emotionally abusive and you should not be putting up with it. Maybe you can salvage the marriage with some help - you'll never know until you try!

[tarnalberry]

You probably didn't come here to hear us telling you to walk out on him, but at the least you need to look into some couples counseling. What he is doing is emotionally abusive and you should not be putting up with it. Maybe you can salvage the marriage with some help - you'll never know until you try!

This. A thousand time, this.

Your entire first post screams "emotional abuse". Maybe not the hardcore emotional mindgames you hear of sometimes, but emotional abuse none the less. You have to keep yourself safe (your food is included in this) and let him put on his big boy pants when he's good and ready to be an adult. (This, of course, means carefully evaluating if you want to live your life with someone who isn't ready to be at least sort of an adult.) Counseling for you alone may help give you some very useful skills for handing this both internally and externally.

[maggiesimpson]

Thanks for all the support. He really is a self-centered jerk, and I know I need to leave. It's just a matter of getting up the courage to do it. I've left before and thought it would be easier should I have to leave again. Not so. It's just as hard as before. At least this time I won't go back. I made the concious decision last time that I would only go back once, and that was to allow for trying my hardest to make it work. Counseling didn't do much. It just gave him good material to preach to everybody else, which makes him sound like he does all of that himself and is such a great guy. Blah!

As for the ongoing testing, I am waiting for one more celiac test that doesn't require gluten consumption. My doc told me to go gluten free. Weeks later I decided I wanted a second opinion. The GI doc knew about the diet, and he's fine with it. His view is that he wants to check a broad range of things to find out what all is going on. I am currently doing the hydrogen breath test for lactose intolerance, hence more dietary restrictions in the last week. I couldn't eat anymore gluten anyway. I can't afford to stretch my waistline anymore. Pants are tight enough. That and when I fall off the wagon it really sucks.

Again, thanks for all the support. I think it kind of helps when I keep hearing the same things from everyone. My coworkers had sort of an intervention with me recently. They encouraged me to do it while I still have time to find someone new and start a family.

[nvsmom]

((HUGS))

[Skylark]

Thanks for all the support. He really is a self-centered jerk, and I know I need to leave. It's just a matter of getting up the courage to do it. I've left before and thought it would be easier should I have to leave again. Not so. It's just as hard as before. At least this time I won't go back. I made the concious decision last time that I would only go back once, and that was to allow for trying my hardest to make it work. Counseling didn't do much. It just gave him good material to preach to everybody else, which makes him sound like he does all of that himself and is such a great guy. Blah!

You poor thing! He sounds as narcissistic as my ex. How the heck did we pick these guys? I know how hard it is to leave because I stuck around for six months after he quit therapy and told me it was all my fault, still stubbornly refusing to admit my marriage had failed. It really sounds like you need to get it over with and leave. I know there's a bit of mental trauma in a divorce and that it's a hard thing to look at because I was in your shoes, but the sooner you get going, the sooner you will have your life back!

If you need a little moral support, it sounds like you have friends who would jump at the chance to help you move out. You can also call a sheriff and make an appointment to be escorted out of the house if you are afraid he might lose his temper and hurt you.

[frieze]

plan your leaving. He may not have been physically abusive to this point. Escalation can happen at any time. Figure out where, then when, and go.

[dani nero]

My dear he's the one who should be doing the gluten-free cooking for both of you, to help out because you're obviously having a hard time keeping up with everything. A real man supports his wife through thick and thin and doing all the house work when she's down is part of it. This dude you're with belongs in a cave.

If I were you I'd dump his greedy selfish butt and look after myself.

Sorry if that sounded a little harsh ;-(

[cavernio]

'Suffer' through gluten-free food my ass. Oh noes, roast and potatoes! Sooooo terrible! Vegetables not deep-fried in batter? How could you! Geez, even when I was eating gluten and had no idea I had celiac there were days I wouldn't have ingested any. Especially for supper foods.

At least you can be thankful that he's NOT cooking and possibly making cross-contamination a nightmare to avoid :-p

[kareng]

'Suffer' through gluten-free food my ass. Oh noes, roast and potatoes! Sooooo terrible!

Last night, as we were eating a dinner of steak marinated in gluten-free teriyaki, baked potatoes with butter and cheese, corn on the cob, wine and ice cream for frappachino chip ice cream, hub said something like " I love this Celiac food".

[WendyK]

I sure know what you mean about having unsupportive people (husband, friends, family, etc). My ex-husband once told me my doctor was a quack. I had asthma and had two treatments in my doctor's office and she told me she couldn't do anything more for me and wanted me to go to the emergency room. I didn't want to go to the emergency room so instead had her give me a perspection which I filled on the way home. I called my husband at the time and asked him to pick up the kids from school and he said no and that my doctor was a quack. REALLY! I had to pick up the kids on the way home and get the prescrition before I could resk my body. What a jerk. Glad I don't live with him anymore.

I just got back from my Nutritionalist this morning and after nine months of gluten free, diary free, soy-corn-bananas-apples-peanuts-shrimp-tuna-crab free diet I have now registered as a real turn around on her BioMeridean piece of equipment. Although I have felt better after the first two months, her machine just kept reading in the bad zone. I am so happy to have finally broken this aweful cycle and have a test that is actually documenting it. I still have a ways to go but now the progress is documented. She has me on a tone of supplements, too. I also have hypothryoidism and am taking medication. I hope one day to get of the medicine but feel I need it until I get all my organs in the green. I hope my Thyroid is becoming more healthy. The hardest part of these processes are you have get experience for your body instead of getting experience from others. It is such a long haul but so worth it. I am definately not the same person I was nine months ago. I am so much better.

The only advice around your husband is frankly don't talk about it. He will never support you and trying to educate a person who doesn't care only creates a lot of additional conflict. He's the jerk, not you. Work around him as best as you can. And yes, he can make his own dinner if he doesn't want to eat what you make. He is not your child. He is old enough to make his dinner if he doesn't like what you fixed.