The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[jerseyangel]

Patti-we will have to go there one day and meet. I go there often.

Yes--definately!

[DingoGirl]

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

yeti poop?

[Ridgewalker]

Amanda! :lol:

This one is my favorite--

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

[blueeyedmanda]

LOL! my coworker sent that one.

I have my own in mind.

Oh how many lines can there be

To tell you how much I detest thee?

[jerseyangel]

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I kinda like that one

[DingoGirl]

OMG (need green, puke face emoticon here)....

I am sitting here, mindin' my own bidness, typing away (a rather dull prisoner) and the news is on in the background. The phrase "world's largest hairball" catches my attention.....

seems a barber somewhere in the US has been collecting hair for quite some time - they showed his giant hairball, in some kind of netting, taking up the entire back of a pickup truck..............

oh gawd - - I think I could hurl....................

[Darn210]

Nice poetry Amanda!

Having a bit of a blah day here. (No Susie, not a triple blah, just blah). I have spent the whole stinkin' day waiting for the handyman guy to come. Now the kids will be getting off of the bus in about 20 minutes and I didn't get any errands run. Plus, I don't know what it is but I've been waking up every night at about 4:00am. Then it takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half to get back to sleep . . . UGH!!

Sorry for the rant . . .

OK, you guys have stepped all around it (and *sniff*sniff* apparently someone has stepped in it). . . you've been talking about Target and IKEA and Jess wants a way to indulge herself . . . duuuhhhh, shopping!!! credit card debt!!!! come on, you guys can't see the forest for the trees!!!

[nikki-uk]

I'm in the most precarious situation of all....Ikea is ten minutes away....

I suggest Emily that you CUT your credit card up...post haste!!!!!!!!!!

Why you slattern, slovenly, ill-kempt wench!!!!!! :lol: Do ya think this is why we can't keep off the five pounds we keep losing??

Takes one to know one!!!!

Oh--and I KEEP forgetting.......

I will gladly do RS's laundry--or anyone elses, for that matter. I love to do laundry Something about those nice clean piles of neatly folded clothes.

Oh DEAR GOD Patti!!!!!

Ahhhh...first it was teeth, now makeup, and GASP- don't tell me you skip the 100 strokes of hair brushing too? And the cold cream? Dear God- you ill kempt wenches make me want to let patti do my laundry!

BEV - - don't pretend you haven't already asked her

I think we all need to have Patti teach us laundry, etiquette and manners (even if she's into Dirty, Sexy monkeys??????????????)

It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks though

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Gonna have to go with this one

[DingoGirl]

OK, you guys have stepped all around it (and *sniff*sniff* apparently someone has stepped in it). . . you've been talking about Target and IKEA and Jess wants a way to indulge herself . . . duuuhhhh, shopping!!! credit card debt!!!! come on, you guys can't see the forest for the trees!!!

so......you're saying that Jess just needs, in order to live on the edge and do something reprobate and damaging, to just shop madly and put things on her credit card.......hmmmm....yes, this could work.

However, after hours and late at night, whilst sitting in one's pj's lamenting the day, I think knocking back a few is the most satisfying answer.

In Patti's case, she could just NOT fold the laundry......leave it recklessly strewn all over the bed or something (as happens here).

[CarlaB]

Patti, you would be in laundry heaven at my house!!!! You are welcome to visit anytime! We will have load after load of laundry for you because it never ends.

[jerseyangel]

In Patti's case, she could just NOT fold the laundry......leave it recklessly strewn all over the bed

Patti, you would be in laundry heaven at my house!!!! You are welcome to visit anytime! We will have load after load of laundry for you because it never ends.

Ooh--a challenge! (rolling up my sleeves.....) I imagine you guys would generate a lot of laundry

[Jestgar]

so......you're saying that Jess just needs, in order to live on the edge and do something reprobate and damaging, to just shop madly and put things on her credit card.......hmmmm....yes, this could work.

However, after hours and late at night, whilst sitting in one's pj's lamenting the day, I think knocking back a few is the most satisfying answer.

mmmmm shopping

that's actually how I ended up with all the lacy underwear stuck in my butt from several pages back :lol:

I think I really need a new job

[CarlaB]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it. Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak!

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[elye]

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Yep, I would say that their needs are a tad simpler....

[jerseyangel]

Yep, I would say that their needs are a tad simpler....

A tad--ya think????

[elye]

A tad--ya think????

Okay, okay...point well taken, Patti...A WHOLE FREAKIN' LOT SIMPLER....

[jerseyangel]

Okay, okay...point well taken, Patti...A WHOLE FREAKIN' LOT SIMPLER....

Oh, and I see the scholarly gentleman is taking a nap He looks so comfy....

Edited out the arrow--makes no sense .

[DingoGirl]

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it. Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak!

I'LL TAKE ONE!!!

Okay, okay...point well taken, Patti...A WHOLE FREAKIN' LOT SIMPLER....

Um, how come *I* don't attract these types of men?? Why do I get the dark, tortured, analytical types??? (usually) Just give me a simpleton with lots of money who smells really good. (um, totally kidding)

GOOD GAWD I AM BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

must re-invent entire life and self.

EMILY - love that photo of Gus!!

[Mtndog]

ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

I thought that I could love no other -- That is, until I met your

brother.

This one always cracks me up because I dated my hubby's brother about 10 years before I started seeing my (now ) hubby. Actually- it was our third anniversary on Tuesday!

OMG- Carla- MOST EXCELLENT HUMOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! My Uncle Ray will love it!

Gus and Allo and Annie and Jess's dog pic (how are the kitties?) are so cute. Do you all know about my secret love? Simon Kitty? He's 6 and weighs 20 pounds....biggest baby ever but I love, love, love him and Angus does too.....it's so funny. He love nibbles his legs.

I thought Simon would be horrified by a dog and never come out from under the bed but he loves Angus. I'll put up his pic.

And..... a little humoUr:

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Mtndog]

OK, he's up

<-----------------------------------------

Meow!

[CarlaB]

Just give me a simpleton with lots of money who smells really good. (um, totally kidding)

Sure you are ....

Bev, HUGE kitty! Funny joke!

[elye]

What a lovely big gentleman you have, Bev! Simon is lovely. We have two cats to distract Gus, and they are all rather hilarious together.

A picture of all of them together...now that would be a trick...

Wonder how Richard's painting went today. Wonder where Tom is. Hey! I really wonder if Bob got some lungs!

[Mtndog]

This JUST IN from Uncle Ray:

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[~alex~]

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

:lol:

Here is my grandpa's favourite joke:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn`t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I`ve farted at least 20 times since I`ve been here in your office. You didn`t know I was farting because they don`t smell and are silent."

The doctor says,"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back and is terribly upset. "Doctor," she says, "I don`t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... Although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!! Now that we`ve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing..."

My grandpa has a pretty juvenile sense of humour! He thinks he's pretty funny (and so do I )!

[Darn210]

...Wonder how Richard's painting went today. Wonder where Tom is. Hey! I really wonder if Bob got some lungs!

Since it's my job to check on Bob . . . just checked, no lungs.

Yes, I've been wondering about Tom, too. Haven't even seen him on. He's been packing (supposedly), so is he moving? movin' on up? to the east side? to a deluxe apartment in the sky?

And Richard's paintings? Abstract or Realism?

That's a nice BIG kitty you got there, BEV. He doesn't look like he would be afraid of a "little" dog like Angus.

Oh and the humour: All except for fart football that's EWWWW then