The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[Ridgewalker]

Just got an excellent one from my mom... had me snorting and guffawing!

I LOVE MY JOB . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is

even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at

work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He

performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station

103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job

experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down

lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you

realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few

technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the

office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what

we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water

heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It

heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to

the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it

several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and

stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm

water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few

seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the

damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to

it however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the

jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His

instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other

divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing

in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could

reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at

the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as

soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt

was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it

would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[Daxin]

Having done some diving, I am now going to be VERY careful if I get an itch in my crack.

Thank your mother for the laugh. My kids must think I've lost my mind...which is nothing new.

[psawyer]

A phunny from me nephew:

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

[jerseyangel]

I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

[elye]

Patti, Will just walked by the computer, saw your av pic and said, "Hey! No fair! The top of Mark's head is cut off, so no one can really tell the progression of his hair loss. Mine you can see perfectly".

Gawd......MEN.

[jerseyangel]

Patti, Will just walked by the computer, saw your av pic and said, "Hey! No fair! The top of Mark's head is cut off, so no one can really tell the progression of his hair loss. Mine you can see perfectly".

Gawd......MEN.

I know--who woulda noticed that!?

[Darn210]

So who's taking all these pictures that you are all in??? . . . and where the hell is the infamous boob shot??

[elye]

So who's taking all these pictures that you are all in??? . . . and where the hell is the infamous boob shot??

I know, I know...where the hell ARE they?

My pics are in DH's work camera (the best one in the household), and it is currently at...where else....his office, where he went this morning to see how much work was piled up on his desk. He will email the shots tomorrow morning, and I'll post away.......

[jerseyangel]

So who's taking all these pictures that you are all in??? . . . and where the hell is the infamous boob shot??

I asked a lady in Starbucks if she would take a picture of the group with my camera. I've been trying to post the boob shot, but if I crop it any more, there won't be any point

[Darn210]

I've been trying to post the boob shot, but if I crop it any more, there won't be any point

So what are you down to . . . like a boob and a half??

[jerseyangel]

So what are you down to . . . like a boob and a half??

Pseriously, if I make it any smaller it'll be 2 full boobs and 2 halfs (coming in from each side)

[elye]

So what are you down to . . . like a boob and a half??

I think I'd be letting Patti hog that spotlight............

Pseriously, if I make it any smaller it'll be 2 full boobs and 2 halfs (coming in from each side)

Mygawd.....this sounds like a great Picasso rendering..... . . ..

[Mtndog]

Happy Belated Birthday Miss Julie!!!!!!!!!

Do Swedes yodel vodel???

..or sing??.....OMGah ...don't forget Abba!!!

...but more importantly Miss sleepy Beaverly, can you ask 'em how to assemble IKEA FURNITURE (*tsk* .. vy are zere no hinges for ze doorz)

....WHY do *I* sound German??

Nikki- I asked them about Ikea and they said it's just as hard to assemble in Sveden. No yodeling but much joking about Abba! They've seen more American films than we have. Olivia my 4 year old niece has a crush on Peter. So PHUNNY!!!!!!!!

Nikki, I'm totally falling in love with Boris. I just want to pick him up and cuddle and kiss and snuggle with him, murmuring gooey baby-talk, like "Oh aren't the cutest, sweetest little fuzzy, cutey-patootey of an English kitty cat..." etc...

He is SOOOO cut and snuggly!

Gian-knit!! I'm so happy you and Lisa were able to meet....and Jen, too--this is a magical weekend of Sillie meetings

It tis truly cool (even if Emily and patti are truck drivers with man boobs (moobs?). OMGAWD- could Peter and Ptaum actually be super models then?

[tom]

. ...but if I crop it any more, there won't be any point

There *are* (at least) two ways to make a big photo avatar-able, ya know. No need to crop at all if you use Resize. Or maybe a combo of the two.

A BIG photo from a good digital camera can be resized to 10% of original, and still show as a full-sized avatar (150x100 I think?).

50% could leave it too big to upload as an av, but I'd guess 25% would often be uploadable.

Anyone know the max file-size for an av?

(We ARE talking about "with auto-size on" right? Arrgh not sure of the phrase on the av page that enables pics bigger than 100x150 to get shrunk by the forum software)

[tom]

OMGAWD- could Peter and Ptaum actually be super models then?

:lol: <glad I weren't a'drinkin' as I read that!>

[Mtndog]

:lol: <glad I weren't a'drinkin' as I read that!>

I made Ptaum giggle

I have a VERY important announcement- last night at the International Swedes vs. Americans skee ball tournament, I won the gold medal with a whopping score of 370 (the current record) !!!!!!!!! I am officially off the injured list!

[Jestgar]

I have a VERY important announcement- last night at the International Swedes vs. Americans skee ball tournament, I won the gold medal with a whopping score of 370 (the current record) !!!!!!!!! I am officially off the injured list!

um YAY!!!

_{what's skee ball?}

[elye]

Yay, Bev!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There *are* (at least) two ways to make a big photo avatar-able, ya know. No need to crop at all if you use Resize. Or maybe a combo of the two.

A BIG photo from a good digital camera can be resized to 10% of original, and still show as a full-sized avatar (150x100 I think?).

50% could leave it too big to upload as an av, but I'd guess 25% would often be uploadable.

Anyone know the max file-size for an av?

(We ARE talking about "with auto-size on" right? Arrgh not sure of the phrase on the av page that enables pics bigger than 100x150 to get shrunk by the forum software)

Oh, yada yada......

Ptaoughmghmn!! We simply want to know how to resize our actual original boobs to full-size...bigger than 150x100 inches.......er sumfin...... .. . .

[Green12]

I have a VERY important announcement- last night at the International Swedes vs. Americans skee ball tournament, I won the gold medal with a whopping score of 370 (the current record) !!!!!!!!! I am officially off the injured list!

OMG, skee ball just happens to be my most favorite game ever!!!

Bev, I bow to you the gold medalist of this fine fine sport! Way to go!

[Ridgewalker]

I love Skee Ball! Go Bev, Go Bev!

[Darn210]

I made Ptaum giggle

I have a VERY important announcement- last night at the International Swedes vs. Americans skee ball tournament, I won the gold medal with a whopping score of 370 (the current record) !!!!!!!!! I am officially off the injured list!

. . . and did you cry when they played the national anthem??

[tom]

Ooooh Em nice shot of the fam!

(Is that in the states? I don't see any igloos )

And a great meet-up av from CurlyLisa!!

Makes me feel like I'm taking the picture somehow . ... .I'm saying "hold that smile" while I fumble finding the right button.

(okay, he didn't say phunny....he said funny)

Ptaoughmghmn!! We simply want to know how to resize our actual original boobs to full-size...bigger than 150x100 inches.......er sumfin...... .. . .

Isn't that around 5 grand?

Or .. . ...There's always Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

Isn't that around 5 grand?

Or .. . ...There's always Open Original Shared Link

...but wait .....how does Ptaughmn know about such sites

[elye]

Good Morning, Sillies!

OMG....Is skee ball that torturous game to which my children subject me at our Summer Festival, where I try pitifully to roll a baseball up a ramp and into an impossibly small inner ring worth 100 points? Oh, gaaaaahhhhhh.....

Bev, you have even more, newfound respect from me now. A gold medal in this activity seems just unattainable in my challenged eyes.

I'm certain that Bev did NOT weep during the playing of the anthem, but she has mentioned a rare love for all things Canuck, so if they had struck up Oh Canada, well....may have been a different story..... . . . .

Why are there still bits of unwashed laundry scattered through me house?

Ptaoughmghmn! Wow, those are Superboobs. Two summers ago I spent an unbelievable $4,000.00 on a tooth implant. DH kept muttering through my entire recovery, "Four grand for a TOOTH that no one will even see?! Man, ya could have gotten TWO BOOBS done fer that, and they'd be RIGHT OUT THERE!"

Gus is still sulking, as he always does when we get home from a long trip away. Quite a performance - - he needs to communicate that he was NOT pleased how we left him, and that it had best never happen again.

[DingoGirl]

I heard something about...........free boobs??????????????????????

Um, heck yeah, I AM going to apply!!!!!

(just a wee halloooooo for me sillies)