The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[elye]

I was a kid, but still remember my aunt barphing in my grandma's kitchen sink--all the while running the garbage disposal. Gross! She was a nurse and still thought this was a brilliant idea.

Actually, that IS a heinous, but nonetheless brilliant idea. Let's face it - - vomit is, after all, the stuff that garbage disposals are made for. And the sink is elevated for the Erect Vomiters.... . . . ...yup, gotta go with the elevating toilet seat. Like a sudden sink-with-garbage-disposal right in yer loo!

Moi?

POeter! Ya gotta clean up barph, and sing lonely sonnets, and swab decks. .. . .an' I forget what else.. . .. ...

I'm thinking something like the chairs that hair stylists use.

Um, no. Waaaaaaaaaay too slow. Can you imagine running to the toilet, a large barph eminent, and having to crank the bowl up to chest height with your foot? A nightmare, at least with the speed my digestive system expels things. Gotta be a button - -a big one, right on the wall where you stand... . . . .. .and it's gotta move that sucker up FAST.

However, what about the spinning option that these hairstylists' chairs have? Any way we could incorporate this? If you hit the bowl from the side, perhaps, you could have it centREd. . . .

I was perusing some of the other threads and instead of reading "Am I Barking up the Wrong Tree" . . . I read . . . you know where this is going . . . "Am I Barphing up the Wrong Tree" . . . and thought . . .they're probably standing when they barph up a tree . . . followed by . . . I hope they can put an arch on that barph or it's coming right back at them.

Boomerang barf.

[kareng]

OK . . . obviously too much vomit talk.

I was perusing some of the other threads and instead of reading "Am I Barking up the Wrong Tree" . . . I read . . . you know where this is going . . . "Am I Barphing up the Wrong Tree" . . . and thought . . .they're probably standing when they barph up a tree . . . followed by . . . I hope they can put an arch on that barph or it's coming right back at them.

I was wondering what the correct tree for barfing is. Maybe a pine tree type. Low branches, lots of pine needles to fall off and cover the barf.

[jerseyangel]

Um, no. Waaaaaaaaaay too slow. Can you imagine running to the toilet, a large barph eminent, and having to crank the bowl up to chest height with your foot?

Obviously, this button must be on the doorjam so it can be pushed on the way in. Any more time spent on it could end in disaster.

[Darn210]

. . . especially when you consider that the males with the penii . . .

as opposed to the males without the penii??

[mushroom]

POeter! Ya gotta clean up barph, and sing lonely sonnets, and swab decks. .. . .an' I forget what else.. . .. ...

Your majesty has phorgotten the Royal Chicken Soup preparation....

as opposed to the males without the penii??

Yup, they call them eunuchs and they are particularly suitable for working for harems, and for their Royal Majestesses.

.

[elye]

Obviously, this button must be on the doorjam so it can be pushed on the way in.

Righto. How about installing a bunch of them -- one on the arm of your couch, one on your nightstand, on your car dashboard for the times you're dashing into the house to barph, holding it through the garage, the kitchen.. . . . . . ...

[celiac-mommy]

Remember the Flowbee? We need something like that. The mouthpiece could look similar to what the Top Gun pilots wear. The suction would instantly carry everything away from the face and dispose contents immediately. No clean up!

especially when you consider that the males with the penii can often not even meet the target accurately

Do NOT even get me started on THAT one!!

[psawyer]

Sign above the urinal in a public facility:

We aim to please. You aim too, please.

[mushroom]

Sign above the urinal in a public facility:

We aim to please. You aim too, please.

I want one of those signs!!

[kareng]

Thought I was going to have royalty in my family. J was up for Sweetheart king. Alas, he is only a prince.

[GFinDC]

I was wondering what the correct tree for barfing is. Maybe a pine tree type. Low branches, lots of pine needles to fall off and cover the barf.

Nope, the actual barph tree is a ginko tree. We have them on some city streets in DC and in the late summer they drop these little, baby ginko seeds/fruits. They drop a lot of them. Tons and tons all over the sidewalks. And they rot and smell exactly like barph!

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Unfortunately they are very tall trees so barphing up 'em wood be nigh impossible. Of course it's only the female trees that produce the smelly fruit. The male trees are highly prized for their stately elegance and refined manners. Insert uppity tree snorphing sound here. So only the males trees are planted now. They have talked about ways to "discourage" the female trees mating habits, including chemicals and little chastity belts for the flower heads. But the trees are too tall to make that practical.

[mushroom]

Haha, I know those trees. Those fruits are supposedly to attract the males who are well acquainted with barph from their college beer-drinking days. Maybe you did not go to college?? Some females will do whatever it takes to attract some males

[elye]

Some females will do whatever it takes to attract some males

Hmmmm.. . . . ..gotta make the field easier to steer from, methinks.. .. ...take all temptation away, and those stinky female flowers would slow production, methinks. . . . .

They have talked about ways to "discourage" the female trees mating habits, including chemicals and little chastity belts for the flower heads.

Perhaps psychiatric arborists are needed to be called in.. ... . . .. ..arboreal promiscuity could be a field specialty, and there may be well-documented methods to address this - - approaches like giving the male trees horrific leaf trims/prunings, or manipulating the male trees' appearance to have them seem thin, needy, lacking any material wealth.... . . .. and absolutely discouraging the male species from standing quietly, branches moving slightly in the breeze, and listening, listening, listening, to the constant, confessional female tree-chatter around them. BIG thing to discourage.

Yep, that would be a great start.

[kareng]

Are we done barphing now? Perhaps we can start a new, more upbeat topic: coughing, snotty noses, menstrual cramps, carbuncles?

[jerseyangel]

Perhaps we can start a new, more upbeat topic: coughing.....

Ya hit the nail on the head Can nae sleep fer more than an hour at a time before I'm up hacking.

[kareng]

Ya hit the nail on the head Can nae sleep fer more than an hour at a time before I'm up hacking.

"Hacking up" tis really the best part of a cold or phloo.

[elye]

Can nae sleep fer more than an hour at a time before I'm up hacking.

Crap, Patteigh... .. ....you've been really hit. Thinking about ya.. . .. . .and yer snot an' everythin'. . . .. . .. . . .. ....

[Loey]

Hope it ain't strep, Leeeesargh!

I would rather work on an attachment to the toilet that raises the bowl, quickly, to, say, chest level. DH's nose won't clog, Shrooomie's knees would be saved..... . . . ..one could raise it up for easier cleaning. Though ill users would have to be certain to lower the bowl after barphing - - not such a good thing for anyone racing in with sudden bowel issues. Helluva thing, managing to climb up to a chest-high bowl.. . . . . ...

Hmmm. . . . . . ...may need some refining.. .. . . ..

Now it's my turn to join the barf brigade but I also have D. So I need a bucket and the toilet. I HATE flu season!!!!!! Now that's Peoter is back I suggest that Kareeng and Em become his Queens (with perks).

Gotta run....... literally!

Loey

[kareng]

Now it's my turn to join the barf brigade but I also have D. So I need a bucket and the toilet. I HATE flu season!!!!!! Now that's Peoter is back I suggest that Kareeng and Em become his Queens (with perks).

Gotta run....... literally!

Loey

But Loey.... We changed the topic! No more barfing allowed! We are coughing now!

[Darn210]

Ummmm . . . . . . what does lung actually look like when you're coughing up little pieces at a time?

[Jestgar]

Took BE to a pod dinner last night. It was a group of smart-a$$ guys with a quirky look on life.....he fit right in.

....We didn't have lungs....

[mushroom]

Took BE to a pod dinner last night. It was a group of smart-a$ guys with a quirky look on life.....he fit right in.

....We didn't have lungs....

What kind of pods did you eat?

[kareng]

Took BE to a pod dinner last night. It was a group of smart-a$$ guys with a quirky look on life.....he fit right in.

....We didn't have lungs....

Pods are gluten-free?

[Jestgar]

It's a pherry fenomenon. Groups of people end up sitting in the same booth. After a couple years of seeing the same group of people every day for half an hour you end up knowing each other pretty well.

There are similar groups of ladies who have bonded over putting on makeup and doing their hair in the ladies room.

I don't think there are any mens room groups....

[kareng]

It's a pherry fenomenon. Groups of people end up sitting in the same booth. After a couple years of seeing the same group of people every day for half an hour you end up knowing each other pretty well.

There are similar groups of ladies who have bonded over putting on makeup and doing their hair in the ladies room.

I don't think there are any mens room groups....

You have faerie friends? Do they have sparkly wings? Magic dust? Do they know Tinkerbelle?