Liar, Liar?

[kaki-clam]

i got diagnosed with Celiac only a week ago....tonight I tried to explain to my boyfriend (possibly now ex boyfriend) that his soft (wheat containing) shell taco's cannot touch my corn tacos....he told me i was being ridiculous and that I don't even know that i have Celiac since the blood work was negative. From what I have read in Gluten-Free for dummies, it is possible to have negative blood work....I had a biopsy done and that came back positive....I have been sick for 10 years and was so relived to finally find out what it was that was making me ill and now I have to defend myself to people? Everyone keeps saying it will get easier....but when? In the meantime he has moved out....

[scoobydoobydoo]

judging from my own experience and the other replies on this board, you will have to deal with a lot of ignorance about your medical condition.

sorry he is being a prick

[psawyer]

It is difficult for most people to understand just how careful celiacs have to be about cross contact with gluten.

You don't need to "defend" yourself, in my opinion, but you *do* need to be firm. People do not need to understand your reasons, nor do they need to agree with them, but they *must* respect your absolute right to choose what you do and do not put in your mouth.

[Need to credit member tarnalberry--those are her words I paraphrased.]

Over time, most of your friends and family will come to understand. Those who don't are not really your friends. You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your $#@%& relatives.

[txplowgirl]

Hi Kaki,

If your biopsy was positive then you are definitly celiac no matter what your blood tests says. As for your boyfriend. I'm sorry to say if he got cross with you explaining about your tacos touching then he really will have a problem with other issues.

Yes, people will give you a hard time because it is so missunderstood. Try to be patient with them because they are uninformed.

Hang in there, it will get better.

[tarnalberry]

Thanks to Peter for the excellent near-quote. I like the way you phrased it.

And, for the OP, I REALLY STRONGLY believe this. Your choices are YOUR choices, and not anyone else's. No one has to understand them, to like them, or to agree with them, just respect them. Oh, it is WAY easier if *someone* understands, but if nothing else, you have this board for that. And yes, it's much less stressful if you don't have to flex your spine of steel every time you want to eat, but that also becomes easier as you both find your explanations sink into some people, some other people just accept even if they don't agree, and you slowly filter out the rest of the people who don't respect your decisions.

Ironically, I admit to being worried about this in another aspect of my life now - we're looking strongly at aiming for a natural birth at a free-standing birth center with a midwife, not a hospital. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with that, and given the nature of our culture regarding birth, I kind of expect to get some raised eyebrows, highly inquisitive questions, and some inappropriate comments. But no one but my husband and I (and my provider) needs to be comfortable with this, and no one else's comfort level is important in this decision. I really think that the years of dealing with "this is just how I roll" with the diet restrictions has helped prepare me for not caring if people agree, not being swayed by other's needs, and sticking to what I know is right or me. So, there is a good side to working through the unpleasantness of unsupportive people- it prepares you to make independent choices in other areas of your life.

[kaki-clam]

he's gone so i guess the problem is solved

[Jonbo]

Unfortunately since it seemed he wasn't willing to understand your situation, it wouldn't work in the long run. Hopefully you find someone that will

[ravenwoodglass]

he's gone so i guess the problem is solved

I'm sorry. He doesn't sound like much of a boyfreind anyway if he can't be supportive of you while you are healing. On the bright side you have found a great place for support and information that will help speed your healing. Once you have healed you are now free to find someone who really does care about you. Soon you will be feeling better than you have in years and more able to do things that will allow you to meet someone who is really worth your time and affection.

[Jestgar]

he's gone so i guess the problem is solved

Hugs

You really do deserve someone who cares about you, not what you eat.

[sylviaann]

It is difficult for most people to understand just how careful celiacs have to be about cross contact with gluten.

You don't need to "defend" yourself, in my opinion, but you *do* need to be firm. People do not need to understand your reasons, nor do they need to agree with them, but they *must* respect your absolute right to choose what you do and do not put in your mouth.

[Need to credit member tarnalberry--those are her words I paraphrased.]

Over time, most of your friends and family will come to understand. Those who don't are not really your friends. You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your $#@%& relatives.

Ditto Peter!! I know many of us can relate to your feelings and I agree! We will have to start a "Preparing for the dreaded holidays with uneducated relatives" or "The most ignorant comments made by family members during the holidays regarding gluten"!

Sylvia Ann

[kaki-clam]

Thanks for all the kind words....i won't have to worry about the holidays...it's just me now.

[Darn210]

Kaki,

Just wanted to let you know that the "good guys" are out there. My BIL's girlfriend has Celiac Disease and my BIL loves to cook for her. He considers it a challenge to perfect recipes for them to both eat and enjoy. If your ex couldn't handle a challenge such as this then he is not someone you want to spend any more time with. Go find yourself a "good guy" . . . when you're ready.

[Welda Johnson]

Hi,

I'm 64 and have had celiac since I was 8, though of curse it took years to identify what was happening. I think the reason so many family members and those close to us have such a hard time is because us having celiac means that THEIR lives will change. No more pizza parties? No more beer? No more cherry or apple pies? Egads! See how your predicament affects the lives of others? You are willing to change in order to become healthy, but maybe they're not willing to embrace that same change. Even people in my own family who have been tested and HAVE celiac have not adopted the diet. Hmmm. It IS a challenge, that's for sure. But look how many people are battling cancers, lymphomas, etc. We at least have a solution to our condition. And I hope and pray that you will quickly see the benefits of your new way of eating. I've seen depression flee, moods stabilize, energy increase, complexions improve, stamina multiply, and all sorts of other improvements in myself and others who have adopted this diet.

It becomes easier. I'm sorry that your friend left. It is heartbreaking, I know. Please keep coming back here. You'll find that we have all gone through the same experiences on this path, but we are surviving, and some are even thriving. I'm wishing you the best! welda@att.net

[brigala]

Sorry your BF didn't work out. I know it's hard to let go of someone. I can't help but think this was an "excuse" and he was ready to ditch anyway.

My husband was very skeptical when I went on the gluten-free diet -- but he didn't tell me that at the time. He didn't say ANYTHING about being skeptical until after the difference in my health was so obvious that he couldn't ignore it. By then, he was 100% on board with it, and wanted the kids tested. I asked him if he thought I was paranoid about cross-contamination, and his answer was, "Well, maybe a little, but given the consequences of not being paranoid enough, it's understandable."

This is what you need in your life. Someone who respects you enough to stay silent when he doesn't understand, and support you fully when he does understand.

There's a singles board on this forum. I've never visited it since I'm not single, but you might want to check it out.

-Elizabeth

[mysecretcurse]

There is something very wrong with him. I suggest you don't speak to someone so worthless and non-supportive again. There is NO excuse for that type of behavior. What an a-hole.

[flourgirl]

There is so much good advice here. It's why I keep coming to the forum and reading. I get reminders, and support vicariously through others. What a wonderful place.

Kaki......there are lots of people out there who are tolerant of differences in others. You have battle enough on your hands getting a grip on a new lifestyle without having to battle someone you love. My hubby doesn't really, fully understand it all, but he IS one who supports what I think I need to do. We have a mixed household as far as foods. I don't ask him to completely change his eating habits (which are healthy for him), and he does not interfere with mine. For shared meals we eat gluten free. For us it's working.

There will be someone for you....the right someone....when you are ready. Don't "settle for" the wrong one just because he's there. Good luck with your diet, and with feeling better. Drop a line once in a while.....T

[OptimisticMom42]

Hey Kaki,

You are not alone, you have us. If there is anything we can do to help, please let us know. There are a lot of great guys out there who are also celiac or are just caring enough to want to understand. It isn't even an issue in our house, all shared meals are gluten, soy, dairy free period and my BF who has no allergies does most of the cooking.

He loves us

Take Care

RA

[Darn210]

Just wanted to let you know that the "good guys" are out there. My BIL's girlfriend has Celiac Disease and my BIL loves to cook for her. He considers it a challenge to perfect recipes for them to both eat and enjoy. If your ex couldn't handle a challenge such as this then he is not someone you want to spend any more time with. Go find yourself a "good guy" . . . when you're ready.

Was just reading the updates on this thread and decided that my post could be taken the wrong way . . . I meant to imply that my BIL prides himself on perfecting meals that they can both enjoy. The "challenge" being he will keep at it until its right!!

Hope things are going well for you Kaki and hope you see how many members have supportive people in their lives. You deserve that too.

[Ahorsesoul]

Thanks for all the kind words....i won't have to worry about the holidays...it's just me now.

kaki_clam, It's not just you, all of us are with you!!!

[ang1e0251]

There are always persons out there who feel powerful when they impose their will on another person. I don't know if you've ever dieted, but there's always someone who wants you to fail at the diet. Sometimes that person will even sabotage your food! And the sad thing is, that person is often a family member. Someone you love and trust.

That kind of person has their own mental problems and they are not going to change for you. You are better off without that kind of bully. We care and while we are no substitute for a boyfriend, we are pretty darn good moral support.

[Penny-M]

he's gone so i guess the problem is solved

Be grateful you are seeing his true colors now, just think how it would have been if you married him. It's going to be tough, I have some family members that just don't get it. They don't even try to understand it, or care about what it does to me, so to those family members I say-SEE YA--I won't eat at any function they hold at there house.--Lately I don't even associate with them because they are totally disrespecting me and I don't need it. You will soon learn who your true friends and family are.

[Shess0816]

i got diagnosed with Celiac only a week ago....tonight I tried to explain to my boyfriend (possibly now ex boyfriend) that his soft (wheat containing) shell taco's cannot touch my corn tacos....he told me i was being ridiculous and that I don't even know that i have Celiac since the blood work was negative. From what I have read in Gluten-Free for dummies, it is possible to have negative blood work....I had a biopsy done and that came back positive....I have been sick for 10 years and was so relived to finally find out what it was that was making me ill and now I have to defend myself to people? Everyone keeps saying it will get easier....but when? In the meantime he has moved out....

I have had to deal with a very similar situation! The guy I dated prior to my current (completely wonderful and understanding and loving) boyfriend was just a complete jerk! He thought it was funny when I would get sick and would purposely try to give me foods he thought would make me sick. I dated him pre-diagnoses, so we didn't exactly know what the problem was at that point, but he sure had a good time trying to figure out what foods my body didn't like! When I told him I didn't feel good he told me to stop faking and that I just did not want to be around his friends (which was true, but not the problem!). One time the pain was so bad in my stomach I would have sworn my appendix was going to burst. I asked him to take me to the hospital because I was in so much pain I was almost passing out, throwing up. He told me no because he had plans to go drink at the bar with his friends. He left and I ended up having to call my mom (who lived 25 minutes away) to come get me to take me. She of course did so willingly -- because unlike him, she really cared about me and loved me. The relationship I had with him lasted 8 awful, horrible, terrible years. I was MISERABLE the entire time, very very sick, and had to deal with everything by myself.

I finally got up the courage to end it with that guy. A couple of months later I started dating a new guy -- someone I'd known in passing for a few years. That was almost 2.5 years ago and we are still together. He was supportive from the very beginning with how sick I was all the time. All he wanted to do is take care of me and make sure I was happy. He was not worried about himself or his friends -- just that I was okay. I was not diagnosed until March of this year, so we were together for about a year and a half before I was finally diagnosed. Prior to diagnosis, he cancelled big plans to stay home with me nights I was really sick, he took me to the ER several times, he sat with me through countless doctor's appointments. And then came March 2009 -- finally diagnosed! I honestly think he was even more excited than I was to find out the source of the problem.

Once we found out, I came home the next day and he had spent several hours trying his best to clean out the fridge and pantry of anything I could not eat. All the regular bread was gone, crackers, cereals, etc... The next day, my sister overnighted me a book about Celiac disease and after I got done reading it, he took it on his road trip with him (he's a college coach) and read it while he was gone. By the time he got back, he was spouting off facts to me about the disease I didn't even know! He's given up eating at some of his favorite restaurants because they do not have things I can eat there. We spend a ton of time with his family, so he always makes sure to call ahead and ask what they are cooking for dinner and ask what ingredients they are putting in everything. IF they are making something like burgers, we'll stop by the store on the way there and get some gluten free buns and he'll make sure to tell them not to add any spices or anything to my burgers. He also makes sure to suggest places that the entire family can eat that have things for me. That doesn't mean we always go to those places and sometimes I just end up with a side salad and baked potato, but at least he really tries! I cook all our meals at home and he has only complained twice (in a semi-joking manner!) about the gluten free pasta!

I'm not saying that he's perfect, because I can tell he gets a little irritated sometimes when it comes to food and what I can and cannot have. I'm a lot more pushy now about planning ahead for meals, so that's something new for him. But, it is obvious that he has put my health and happiness ahead of what his tummy wants for dinner! He has put me ahead of being polite to his family. I even dragged the poor guy (who is really a steak and potatoes guy) to an organic gluten free restaurant the other day. I could tell the sandwich he got was not his favorite, but god bless him, he ate every bite and told me whenever I wanted to go back there, he would love to go with me.

I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or upset you. I just want you to know that other people have been through relationships with people who are complete jerks. Just know that you deserve much better!! You don't want to have to go through the 8 years of misery I went through before finding my current guy. I also wanted to show you that there are some really sweet, amazing guys out there that will bend over backwards to make sure you are taken care of. Don't settle for someone who will not accept you for you. Hope that helps a little!

Sally

[kaki-clam]

The nearest support groups are 2+ hours away from me...stupid central Maine!!! So, i did enroll in some private counseling...at 35 bucks a pop i am not sure how long i can afford it...but also no sure how long i can afford not to....thank you sooo much for all the kind words....boyfriend has since apologized and is a bit more understanding, he had some depression of his own in the past and once i put it to him in terms he could understand he seemed to get it. We are not there yet and after a few weeks of counseling i will ask him to come with me...if he is committed he will, if not, well, at least i will know. This site has truly been invaluable to me....THANK YOU!!!!!

[miles2go]

Hi Kaki,

There is a support group in Bangor that's really good, I'm wondering if there's a place in central Maine that's 2+ hours away from Bangor, or if you are just unaware of the Bangor group? Hope things mellow out with your bf, it sounds like you want things to work out and are doing the right thing.

Margaret