The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Sequel

[IrishHeart]

Shake flashlights can double as exercise equipment...... HEY J!

 

lmao...that's true, K. good point....my upper arms can use those! lol

[GottaSki]

If we are counting glow sticks...I may have more than 10 lights in that pack

 

I prefer the wind up type -- no one wants to see my arms jiggle -- including me

[kareng]

Did you hear? The Energizer Bunny was arrested! He was charged with battery.

[GottaSki]

Did you hear? The Energizer Bunny was arrested! He was charged with battery.

 

:lol: :lol:

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go

Cows go who?

Cows don’t go who, they go moo!

Edited May 23, 2014 by GottaSki

[IrishHeart]

:lol: :lol:

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go

Cows go who?

Cows don’t go who, they go moo!

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Ya.

Ya who?

Wow! You sure are excited to see me!

[elye]

Gawd....do we have a single, working, Luddite-style battery-operated flashlight in this house?.... ...  . ...there certainly isn't one in my car.....

 

Yes, during power outages we simply stumble about....'Tis quite funny, really...

 

My mom has always had a slight OCD inclination, and the stroke she had three years ago has ramped this up a notch. We just moved her from her little bachelor apartment in a retirement home to a nursing home, and packing her up was fascinating. She had 14 pairs of scissors, many, many toothbrushes (friends staying over?), and, yes -- six hammers, all the same size. "I'm taking ALL of those scissors! I could be cutting things! Many things, through the day! What on EARTH would happen if I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SCISSORS?"      

 

[kareng]

Gawd....do we have a single, working, Luddite-style battery-operated flashlight in this house?.... ... . ...there certainly isn't one in my car.....

Yes, during power outages we simply stumble about....'Tis quite funny, really...

My mom has always had a slight OCD inclination, and the stroke she had three years ago has ramped this up a notch. We just moved her from her little bachelor apartment in a retirement home to a nursing home, and packing her up was fascinating. She had 14 pairs of scissors, many, many toothbrushes (friends staying over?), and, yes -- six hammers, all the same size. "I'm taking ALL of those scissors! I could be cutting things! Many things, through the day! What on EARTH would happen if I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SCISSORS?"

If I could figure out how to post a picture, I could post a picture of some of my scissors.......

[IrishHeart]

 

I must never, ever do this again....I did it when I went to help the chipmunk and we all know how that went down...

 

. "I'm taking ALL of those scissors! I could be cutting things!

 

 

[kareng]

https://www.flickr.com/photos/124063024@N03/14065276917/

On the iPad I don't have options to make the picture appear. Here are a few of my scissors. We have at least 10 more in various locations in the house. And never one when you need it.

[elye]

https://www.flickr.com/photos/124063024@N03/14065276917/

On the iPad I don't have options to make the picture appear. Here are a few of my scissors. We have at least 10 more in various locations in the house. And never one when you need it.

This does make some sense -- different cutting jobs call for different sized scissors, and in a good-sized house you need a couple of pairs in each area. My mom was in a small bachelor.....and what was she cutting? Well.....paper.....(?).....her hair?..... .....What does an eighty-six year old lady cut? Like, all day? And requiring 14 pairs of scissors, all by her chair, and all exactly the same size?......

 

 

 

[IrishHeart]

This does make some sense -- different cutting jobs call for different sized scissors, and in a good-sized house you need a couple of pairs in each area. My mom was in a small bachelor.....and what was she cutting? Well.....paper.....(?).....her hair?..... .....What does an eighty-six year old lady cut? Like, all day? And requiring 14 pairs of scissors, all by her chair, and all exactly the same size?......

 

 

 

 

want me to ask my mom? same age.. approx..same number of scissors....

[kareng]

This does make some sense -- different cutting jobs call for different sized scissors, and in a good-sized house you need a couple of pairs in each area. My mom was in a small bachelor.....and what was she cutting? Well.....paper.....(?).....her hair?..... .....What does an eighty-six year old lady cut? Like, all day? And requiring 14 pairs of scissors, all by her chair, and all exactly the same size?......

 

 

 

 

 

Did you see my big silver scissors?  They are a lethal weapon.  Maybe your mom needed them for protection?  Maybe the number of scissors is a status symbol in the assisted living?  Maybe you got lucky and never found what she was cutting?  

 

[GF Lover]

This does make some sense -- different cutting jobs call for different sized scissors, and in a good-sized house you need a couple of pairs in each area. My mom was in a small bachelor.....and what was she cutting? Well.....paper.....(?).....her hair?..... .....What does an eighty-six year old lady cut? Like, all day? And requiring 14 pairs of scissors, all by her chair, and all exactly the same size?......

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe she was dressing up a Edward Scissor Hands....He rocked that look.

 

[elye]

 

  Maybe you got lucky and never found what she was cutting?  

 

Well.....now that you mention it......several wheelchair-bound residents did have different-looking hair.....and you know, I think some of the men had shorter trousers, as well....

[IrishHeart]

Well.....now that you mention it......several wheelchair-bound residents did have different-looking hair.....and you know, I think some of the men had shorter trousers, as well....

 

well, all's. well...then!... no one's oxygen tanks went wonky 

[IrishHeart]

A friend just sent me these, with apologies...

I said, I know a few peeps who will like them....

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye

-

doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky

-

maker, but, he loved her still.

4. A rubber

-

band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist

-

camp wall. The police are

 

looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. 

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

20. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says

,

'Dam!'

 

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again. that you can't

 

have your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says

,

'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

-

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[LauraTX]

Shake flashlights can double as exercise equipment...... HEY J!

Have you guys

-Seen the Shakeweight and the male shake weight commercials?

-Seen the very innapropriate spoof videos on youtube?  

 

Not for pure minds or those with weak bladders.

 

Our house has about 12 tape measures.  My husband always misplaces them so one day I got mad and bought one for every nook and cranny.  Today I couldn't find one, LOL.

[kareng]

Have you guys

-Seen the Shakeweight and the male shake weight commercials?

-Seen the very innapropriate spoof videos on youtube?  

 

Not for pure minds or those with weak bladders.

 

Our house has about 12 tape measures.  My husband always misplaces them so one day I got mad and bought one for every nook and cranny.  Today I couldn't find one, LOL.

I personally own 1 lovely leather covered purse tape measure, 3 small plastic covered tape measure, multiple rulers and other tape measures. But, I always have to search for one when I need it.

[Wi11ow]

You've probably heard this one!!

sorry, i can't seem to unbold it...

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 
Principal:  'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.' 
Principal:  'What is 6 x 6?' 
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' 
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.' 
The principal and Harry both agreed. 
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' 
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 
Harry replied: 'Pockets.' 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 
Harry: 'Pants.' 
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.' 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' 
Harry: 'Shake hands.' 
The principal was trembling. 
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the Teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

 

[GottaSki]

Cheers Willow...fifth grade may be shooting high for me...but damn glad to see you in the silly thread : )

[Wi11ow]

LOL - I don't know about 5th grade... but I spent  days.... weeks in panic, emotional meltdown....  I followed a link to John Pinette from, someone here here. I will for ever be grateful too!!  and spent day watching comedy and just KNEW I was over it!!!! I can deal!!

 

You really shouldn't encourage me... <BSEG> I have sooo many jokes on file..... <BG> Go ahead.....<G> ask for some!!!! <G>

[Wi11ow]

Pretty sure not the right place to ask... but I find it pretty funny... does anyone find it interesting/funny.... newly diagnosed that walking through the bakery, or smelling bread makes you feel itchy?? It's all in my head right?! (I never felt that way before) I guess I've read so many scared posts it rubs off. Oh wait - I maid those posts!! <BG>

 

3 weeks feeling better.

 

quick someone tell me a joke!

[GottaSki]

LOL - I don't know about 5th grade... but I spent  days.... weeks in panic, emotional meltdown....  I followed a link to John Pinette from, someone here here. I will for ever be grateful too!!  and spent day watching comedy and just KNEW I was over it!!!! I can deal!!

 

You really shouldn't encourage me... <BSEG> I have sooo many jokes on file..... <BG> Go ahead.....<G> ask for some!!!! <G>

 

John is our hero....he made us laugh our asses off -- we like to laugh in this family.  Then he passed...kid said, "I guess he decided gluten-free was too hard"...smart kids I have and hard loss for the inflamed.

 

And...yes...the itchies...omg there is gluten everywhere will pass.  Wash well before you eat and all is fine

 

now...back to the regularly scheduled programming....

[elye]

Have you guys

-Seen the Shakeweight and the male shake weight commercials?

-Seen the very innapropriate spoof videos on youtube?  

The funniest routine I've seen dealing with the shakeweight was done by Ellen Degeneres.....She brought one out during her opening monologue, started shaking it and, wide-eyed, said, "Wow.....I'VE never used these particular muscles before!".....      

[kareng]

Good joke W1llow! Even tho I know better, I get kinda weirded out in the bread row. And when I see a bunch of gnats, I get itchy. Even if they aren't on me. Funny how the mind works.