The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[nikki-uk]

Greetings sillies - back from my Turkish adventures!!

Allow me to elaborate somewhat on my experience with the lushes of London (that would make a good band name, now wouldn't it?). Something considered SO ordinary, SO acceptable in downtown London (Nikki, I'm dying to hear you on this one) and something we saw every night as we wandered through the Theatre District and Trafalgar Square: at about six o'clock, the restaurants and bars are overspilled out onto the streets with staggering young professionals (6 pm!). By 8 pm, we notice these large, fibreglass things being unfolded and set up every few blocks. I thought they were barricades of some kind. But no...by ten o'clock, we see five, six inebriated blokes crowding around these things and peeing into what was obviously a portable reservoir in the centre. An hour later, men and women were finding their way there to deposit some vomit, as well. Wow. Then, by two am (my estimate), they are dismantled. This is quite a measure by the city to keep things clean. And propogate some unbelievable behavior. Exactly the opposite feel in Paris. I guess I'm just an unworldly Canadian who was very due to see the real world!

Ok, I don't often go uptown but WTH is that all about - how disgusting!!!!! ......I shall investigate......

While we're on the topic of body parts, I can do some neat tying in with my time in Europe. The English, while often drunkards, have got some stupendous vocabulary for these things. I love what the Brits do with our language, and here is no exception. Their expressions that refer to the male...part...are fantastic. My dh's old great aunt, who we visited in her little cottage in Winchester, educated me on the different ways to speak of...this. My favorite is "Horizontal Henry", followed by "Negligible Asset" and "Horn o'plenty". She had an entire dictionary of them, it seemed. What a lady...we just don't hear great stuff like that over here.

Horizontal Henry?? ... ......never called it that before!!

What it's known as in these parts is probably too crude for this thread .......and yes....there are alot of drunks in England!

Did I see Steve some pages back???

..and Jestgar has (Meth) kitties!!!!!!!.....WANT ONE

Oh..and 34B here and no-ones looking

[jerseyangel]

Welcome back from your Turkish holiday, Nikki!

Hope you, Terry and the boys all had a wonderful time!

[CarlaB]

Welcome back, Nikki!

[gfp]

Did I see Steve some pages back???

No, I'm just a ghost

I'm in London next week for a weeks contracting ....

Ok, I don't often go uptown

Well, you might perhaps make an exception....

ah go on go on go on... (Father Ted)...

[elye]

Well, gfp, you'll have plenty of readily accessible spots to urinate and throw up, should the need arise. Nikki, we were staying right in Trafalgar Square, and these lovely city constructions were put up every couple of blocks, right into the theatre district. I wish I'd taken a pic of them in use, but I must have been too shocked to think of it...

[elye]

Hey!....Where is everybody?

....Sillies?.....

[Jestgar]

Not new, but entertaining nonetheless.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on

nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those

conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Mtndog]

Hey!....Where is everybody?

....Sillies?.....

I can hear the call of the Silly yak anywhere i am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm HERE!

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

_______________________________________________________________________________

1975 : Long hair

2007 : Longing for hair

1975: KEG

2007: EKG

1975 : Acid rock

2007: Acid reflux

1975 : Moving to California because it's cool

2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975 : Seeds and stems

2007: Roughage

1975 : Hoping for a BMW

2007: Hoping for a BM

1975 : Going to a new, hip joint

2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1975 : Rolling Stones

2007: Kidney Stones

1975 : Being called into the principal's office

2007 : Calling the principal's office

1975 : Screw the system

2007: Upgrade the system

1975 : Disco

2007: Costco

1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975 : Passing the drivers' test

2007: Passing the vision test

1975 : Whatever

2007 : Depends

[Lisa]

Open Original Shared Link

This brought me a great smile and an applause. Thought you would enjoy this. (compliments of Canadia Karen)

[tom]

Bev!! Good stuff!

Yeah Emily, I wondered what's happened too!

Only ~ a page added in a week & a 1/2? That's not right I tell ya!!

Nikki's back!!

But no telling of Turkish tales?

C'mon - throw us a bone. What was coolest or weirdest or anything-est thing about the trip?

OMG - - limpid pools and maudlin regret and ogling of the assets...and no time to address any of it!

Still?

the regret over the lost years......that does take a while to process, but somehow, it did work itself out, and the grief is gone for me now. More on this later - - -

Promises, promises . . . . .

[elye]

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

...Teaching it can kill ya, too, b'lieve me!

[Mtndog]

...Teaching it can kill ya, too, b'lieve me!

OMG- TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!!

Yes Nikki- we know you are jet lagged (you jet lagged slag ) but you must regale us with tales of Turkish twist!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED to laugh. I heard it kills bacteria faster!

[CarlaB]

Okay, I have a really good joke, but unfortunately I forgot it. I'll try to remember it later.

[elye]

My brother used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place....

[CarlaB]

My brother used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place....

Yeah, but it was a great place to walk your dog!

[Mtndog]

Okay, I have a really good joke, but unfortunately I forgot it. I'll try to remember it later.

Now THAT is funny!!!!!!!!!!! I think I should start making jokes up on the spot cuz I can NEVER remember them!!!!!!!!!!!! I assume you guys have seen

[Mtndog]

From my FIL

You know you're old when....

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask,

[Mtndog]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment o staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?>

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of somethingYou forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you> that>> morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved> in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in>> His sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?>>

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you s$#&t'in me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you s$#&t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?>>>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was> doing>>an autopsy on him!>>

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[tom]

Oh BEV!!!! ROFLMAO :lol:

I just about started tearing up by

"WITNESS: Are you s$#&t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? "

It's like I can hear this guy!

[nikki-uk]

HELLOO SILLIES !!!

All good posts Bev (Thanks for the 'Jet Slag' )

DRagging myself out of Post Holiday Funk (PHF) ....got nothing to offer....still warming up......getting back in the swing of things..

[Mtndog]

HELLOO SILLIES !!!

All good posts Bev (Thanks for the 'Jet Slag' )

DRagging myself out of Post Holiday Funk (PHF) ....got nothing to offer....still warming up......getting back in the swing of things..

I think I'm in PHF too....wishing I was anywhere but here.

Next holiday is one of my favories so here's an early start on Halloween jokes!!!

Q: What do you call it when a ghost gets hurt?

A: A boo-boo.

Q: When does a ghost need a license?

A: During Haunting Season.

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?

A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?

A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?

A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?

A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?

A: Surgical Spirits!

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?

A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favorite food?

A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the lovesick vampire?

A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?

A: A night mayor!

[blueeyedmanda]

LOL!!!!

Those are such cute jokes.

What is a ghost's favorite sport?

Boo-ball!

[nikki-uk]

on the halloween jokes

Fission or Fusion

******************

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said.. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#*t?"

[elye]

!!

Welcome back, Nikki!

I sure don't know sh#t half the time...

[Mtndog]

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#*t?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: