Fiance

[nicole123]

I was having various symptoms of celiac deisease (severe fatigue, muscle pains, hair loss, back pain, vitamin deficiencies, constipation) which have all improved since going gluten-free two months ago. I have not had a formal diagnosis yet, but am considering getting an endoscopy in a couple of weeks.

My fiance says he believes that the gluten intolerance is all in my head. He thinks I feel better because I stoped eating "carbs." Of course, I try to explain to him that I eat tons of carbs (potatos, rice, chocolate). He also thinks I should go to a holistic MD to get a medication that would allow me to eat gluten. I try to explain to him that this doesn't exist, but he says it must and I just don't know about it. The fact that I have done tons of reading on celiac disease, and have a medical degree doesn't seem sway his opinion that I simply don't know what I am talking about.

The main issue is that he has grown tired of me having to ask questions at restaurants. We eat out almost every meal. When I ask more than one question, he gets embarrased, annoyed and sometimes angry. He tells me it seems like I am an old lady when I do this. I feel that he is causing me to get glutened at times because I feel discouraged in asking enough questions to assure that my meal will be safe for me. I feel unsupported.

Any suggestions? Anyone else have this issue with a partner?

[lovegrov]

I'd say this is make or break for your relationship. You have celiac and will have it for the rest of your life. If he can't accept that, this will be a point of friction every single day. If you marry and he doesn't change, your marriage is doomed before you even say "I will."

My next piece of advice might make things even worse. A person who has celiac absolutely should NOT eat almost every meal out. There's just too much cross contamination, even at the careful places. Some experts say you shouldn't eat more than one or two times a month out.

richard

[angel-jd1]

Your "loved" one sounds very inconsiderate!! What a Jerk! I agree with Richard. This is a make or break in your relationship. What happens if you get really sick, is this mean guy going to be there for you? Doesn't sound like it!

Sounds like it is time to sit down and have a big heart to heart with Mr. Inconsiderate. Tell him that Celiac is something that you will have for the rest of your life, and something that he will HAVE to deal with for the rest of your lives together!! If he is going to keep getting angry and not going to be supportive, then there just can't be a "happily ever after". Period!

Good luck!! I hope it all works out for the best.

-Jessica

[celiacgirls]

I was having various symptoms of celiac deisease (severe fatigue, muscle pains, hair loss, back pain, vitamin deficiencies, constipation) which have all improved since going gluten-free two months ago. I have not had a formal diagnosis yet, but am considering getting an endoscopy in a couple of weeks.

My fiance says he believes that the gluten intolerance is all in my head. He thinks I feel better because I stoped eating "carbs." Of course, I try to explain to him that I eat tons of carbs (potatos, rice, chocolate). He also thinks I should go to a holistic MD to get a medication that would allow me to eat gluten. I try to explain to him that this doesn't exist, but he says it must and I just don't know about it. The fact that I have done tons of reading on celiac disease, and have a medical degree doesn't seem sway his opinion that I simply don't know what I am talking about.

The main issue is that he has grown tired of me having to ask questions at restaurants. We eat out almost every meal. When I ask more than one question, he gets embarrased, annoyed and sometimes angry. He tells me it seems like I am an old lady when I do this. I feel that he is causing me to get glutened at times because I feel discouraged in asking enough questions to assure that my meal will be safe for me. I feel unsupported.

Any suggestions? Anyone else have this issue with a partner?

My husband is getting to be more supportive. He even talked to the manager at Outback when we found a crouton in our supposedly gluten-free salad. My husband is the only one who hasn't been dx'ed with gluten intolerance in our family. Of course, he hasn't been tested, either. I feel like I have been glutened by tiny amounts of gluten so the more that happens, the more my husband will believe, I think.

It is hard to eat out for me unless I go to a restaurant with a gluten-free menu, like Outback, PF Chang's, Taco Cabana. There are many others. Those are just the ones we have been going to.

If you are going to do the endoscopy, you will need to eat gluten for a while to get the best results. However, my mother had the endoscopy and it was negative but she feels much better being gluten-free anyway. So I am not sure a negative result is a definitive rule out.

You could consider using enterolab which uses a stool test. You do it at home and send it in. They can be found online at www.enterolab.com. They are more sensitive than the blood tests. Some doctors are not supportive of the results so you might want to research them yourself since you are in the medical field. Because the results are not universally accepted, your fiance may not recognize those as valid, either, but it would be something to show him that it is not "all in your head".

[mouse]

I read this a few minutes ago and did not know how to respond. Lovegrov said it very well and I happen to totally agree with all he said. You are at a turning point here and need to make an unwelcome decision. Good luck.

[Guest nini]

my husband was initially unsupportive and embarrassed when I would ask questions in restaurants... the end result is that we hardly ever go out to eat anymore... too much risk and what not... when we do go out to eat now though he is more patient and understanding because he knows what happens when I "get glutened".

I agree that this relationship is in peril if you can't agree on this important issue. Also, if you are planning on having any testing, you should NOT be on the gluten free diet until your testing is done. BUT keep in mind that you could have negative test results and still be gluten intolerant or in the early stages of Celiac. In my opinion, how you have responded to the diet is the best diagnostic tool, and you have proven that at the very least you are gluten intolerant, which you will have to treat exactly like Celiac regardless.

Stick up for yourself, make sure your needs are being met, and insist on communication with your fiance about this. Don't give up on him though, it's hard for non Celiacs to understand what it's like. You might want to read Dangerous Grains and get him to read it too.

[mommida]

Don't waste your time having the endoscopy with biopsy. You've been gluten free and it would be pointless looking for damage that should not be happening. It might be there from eating out so much.

If you would have children and they have Celiac what would your spouse do about it?

Having to be on a gluten free diet is such a large part of your life, if he can't understand and respect that you should seriously think about this relationship's future.

L.

[jenvan]

Nicole--

How discouraging...I am so sorry for your finance's lack of support and understanding. As has been said here, this is a big issue, and maybe a sign of other potential issues too. I would have a real hard and honest conversation with him... Ie. My Celiac is real, and I have real needs. I will have these same needs forever, because I will not grow out of or become healed (by a holistic doc) of my Celiac. I can’t spend the rest of my life with you if you are not understanding or supportive of this. And I won’t tolerate your impatience or you endangering me.

That may sound serious!! But if he is causing you to continually get gluten—that is serious, it is your life and your quality of life. Speak up—now is definitely not the time to be bashful. Let us know how things go and if you need anything else!

[Guest Robbin]

I have to agree with Jen and the other posters. Some people who have never been ill have no patience with weaknesses/or illness in others. This affects your health and it CAN affect your fertility if you do not stay gluten-free- (something to consider in the future) Do not let his behavior jeopardize your life, health, and peace of mind. You will begin to question your own body/symptoms and it will make you crazy. I would have a serious heart-to-heart about this and the fact that he wants to eat out so much. Maybe if he comes around, you can have candlelight dinners at home. Steak, burgers, chicken breasts on an indoor grill, a salad, and a baked potato are easy dinners to do. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[tarnalberry]

First, don't bother with the endoscopy if you've been gluten-free; it'll be useless.

Second, your fiance isn't being stubborn or unsupportive, he's being disrespectful. The point here that matters it not if he believes you or not, but if he accepts your decision. Does this mean that, in other things in life, that if he doesn't agree 100% with the reasoning behind your decision (especially if part of that reasoning is how you feel) that he's going to badger you and try to wear you down to change your mind rather than respecting your decision making abilities and your right to make your own decisions?

I'd say it's time to sit him down and say "Look, I've done the research, I've presented you with the factual evidence, and I've presented you with how I feel on the topic, which is important. If you choose to not do your own research, to not believe the factual evidence, and to disreagard how I feel, that's your choice. But it is my decision what I put in my mouth, and I expect you to respect my decision."

[hez]

I am so sorry your fiance is not understanding. It is so hard to deal with the change but to not have support is another blow you did not need.

I would have an open and honest discussion about your feelings and his. Nothing gets better if communication does not take place. When dealing with my dh I always try to use "I" statements. That way he does not feel he is being attacked. I really think you need to talk. It may be the best thing to happen in your relationship!

Hez

[Guest nini]

I agree with Tiffany, that is excellent advice. It doesn't matter if he believes you or not, YOU believe it and he's being direspectful of you. Always make sure that YOUR needs are met first and foremost.

[Nantzie]

First of all, don't do the endoscopy. It will come out negative just because you've been gluten-free for too long now. And then he'll have that to point to and hold over your head.

The thing is that this may be the first issue in a long line of issues that you'd go through in your life together. Is he going to be supportive when you get an injury that takes a longer time than he thinks it should to heal? When you're pregnant and can barely move? When you're overwhelmed with your kids and need a break? How about later in life when the real hard health problems come? Is he going to step up or is he going to call you a drama queen who just needs attention.

Falling in love is easy. Marriage is about a lot more than love.

All that being said, my husband was the same way, but he did finally turn it around. But there was one point where if we didn't have kids, I would have left so fast it would have left skid marks. That was last October. I decided to stick it out for a limited amount of time to see if he could pull his head out of his *ahem*. I didn't tell him that though. He was on a six month reprieve. I just stuck to my guns and didn't eat the gluten.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day. He went to the health food section of a grocery store by his work and got me a bunch of stuff from the gluten-free section because he wasn't sure if the Valentine's candy was gluten-free, and he didn't want me to get sick.

Now, when he cooks, he reads labels and asks me if things are gluten-free. A few weeks ago he walked by and grabbed a handful of gluten-free croutons I had made, and then stopped short and his eyes got big and he said "I have gluten hands." He knew that I would have to throw them away. He was apologizing all over himself. But it was awesome. That's when I knew it had become part of his thought process independent of me saying anything. I actually hadn't even noticed he took any until he said something.

So you kind of have to ask yourself... Is this just a more specific or extreme example of how he reacts to things he's not comfortable with, or ideas he doesn't agree with? Does he tend to criticise people who don't agree with him? Is this a pattern that applies to other areas or other people?

On the other hand, men get scared of things that they can't fix. And when men get scared they get angry. It may be that he's torn up inside because he sees the woman he loves suffering and he can't fix it. He may have all this energy coiled and ready to slay the dragon for you, that he doesn't know what to do with. So it gets stored up and he gets argumentative because he doesn't know what else to do.

I'd suggest two books:

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. This is great because it shows you typical male behavior and thought patterns that are really "a guy thing" that you're going to run into with 98% of the male population. I think that this should be required reading for everybody. It gives such a good, understandable perspective on relationships, and it can be applied to any male/female relationship, from family to friends, to coworkers, to love. It even gives you a perspective on yourself and the relationships you have with the women in your life. Sometimes we all do things that we're either not aware of or think are our own weirdnesses. Then it turns out it's just part of being human.

If you're a Christian or open to that philosophy, get The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.

I hope everything works out for you. You have to keep your health first in this.

[aikiducky]

Lots of good advice here already!

I just had to say, I loved that book (Men are from Mars, Women from Venus) as well! My Husband and I read bits of it to each other and kept saying "Really?!?! That's how you really think!?!? How weird!" It really has helped us understand how we often react very differently, and how we long for different things from each other. What I'd give my husband, if I didn't know, wouldn't be what he really wants to receive, if that makes sense.

Nowadays, if he has a hard time getting my point of view, I just tell him it's a "girl thing". "Girls are funny!" he says and then he's ok with it.

He wasn't very supportive in the beginning either, or at least, not supportive in a way I'd wished he had been. He might well have been trying to be supportive in a guy way and I didn't notice, lol. And I know he was worried about me and difficult to be with because of that.

One thing that I think helped a lot that you could try, was me stressing at every opportunity how much better I felt gluten free, since that helped him worry less. Another was that I gave specific instructions like "You can help me feel better by keeping all the bread crumbs in this area of the counter".

Just today DH had a rehearsal at home with a couple people, when they had a break and were planning to eat their sandwiches, first thing he came to ask me where I'd like them to do that, to not give me nasty bread crumb surprises.

Pauliina

[nicole123]

WOW. I wrote my post last night before going to bed & woke up this morning to so many amazing responses. Thank you. I do have some thinking/communicating & figuring out to do.

Nicole

[CarlaB]

So many great answers, I can hardly add ... marriage is hard, great, but hard. If you have things in your fiance that you overlook now, as the years go on, they get harder to overlook. Even just bringing up this topic in a serious light may be enough to get him on your side and set the stage for the future. Keep in mind, this is probably your first serious topic to solve, this is how it will be. My husband and I joke ... I tell him he's an @ss, then he says "Yea, but you knew that and married me anyway, so it's not a valid complaint." (It's true, I did know that and we've been married 21 years) The point is, he won't change in his basic temperament. I think though, if you point out his disrespect to you in a kind way, he can change that.

Men are from Mars -- good book.

The Temperament God Gave You -- book that shows the four basic temperaments and how they get along. It's helped me tremendously with at least one of my kids! My husband, too.

[jkmunchkin]

I was sick for about 10 years before getting diagnosed, and my boyfriend at the time (then fiance, now DH) never flat out told me it was all in my head but he wasn't always so sympathetic when I would complain I didn't feel well and while he never uttered the words out loud, he definately made me feel a lot of the times like it was all in my head. He definately said on more than 1 occassion after I would say I didn't feel well; with his eye roll, "You never feel well." I don't think it was until a few months before I was diagnosed that we had to pull over the car on the side of the Cross Bronx Expwy. so I could puke that he started to think maybe there was actually something wrong.

Long story short; one of the best things about getting diagnosed, was that I finally knew it wasn't all in my head and I got to do a little "ha told you so. I really was sick all that time."

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to write your fiance off as a jerk. It's probably hard for him to accept that you might really have something wrong. But I can tell you that after I was diagnosed, no one has been more supportive and helpful than DH. Hopefully you will be able to say the same.

[mart]

Nicole, you totally do not deserve this. You can do better. I won't be as diplomatic as everyone else. Dump this guy...pronto! He must think he's too cool for your celiac disease. If he really loved you, he would be instructing restaurant servers on your behalf.

[AndreaB]

Nicole,

Don't rush into marriage with this guy anytime soon. This is a big issue and a lifetime diet commitment he needs to decide if he can live with and support. I'm not going to tell you to break up since other posts have mentioned it took some time for sig. others to be fully supportive, but that was my first thought. Marriage is supposed to be for life and starting out a marriage with him not being respectful or supportive of this diet will make is very difficult and put a lot of stress on you. Be sensitive to his feelings and fears also and see if you two can work this out.

[ianm]

He sounds a lot like my ex-wife. she didn't understand it and didn't want to either. However my girlfriend has never had any issues with it and it has never been a problem for us. If he doesn't come around, dump him. Plenty more where that one came from.

[jkmunchkin]

Nicole please think long and hard before throwing your entire relationship away because a bunch of people on a message board are telling you to.

Like I said, DH was less than supportive all the years I was sick but the second I had a positive medical test of what was wrong with me, it was like a total 180. He just went to 3 supermarkets to find me the new Dora the Explorer cereal because I told him about it last night.

I think you should schedule the test (make sure to be eating wheat prior to taking the test), and see what the results are. If you test positive for celiac and he still acts this way, then it's time for some deep thought. He may act this way because he doesn't want to accept that there could be something wrong with you. But once you have a positive medical test he can't deny that and will hopefully come onboard to help you.

[Nantzie]

I agree with Jillian. The thing is that his reaction is very common with celiac for some odd reason. Some sig others do a 180 and go to three stores to look for Dora Cereal (that is SO sweet...), and some never come around.

Just keep your head up.

Nancy

[nicole123]

Again, thank you for all of the responses. We have had some good conversations. I think he is starting to understand what I need from him and how important this is for me, so this is good. I have also decided to start cooking more, so this should make things easier.

[luvs2eat]

I was going to suggest making him go w/ you into the bathroom... but you don't seem to have the molten acid volcanic explosions I have when I am glutened. THAT would make anyone believe that celiac ain't in my head!!

ha ha

[CarlaB]

Again, thank you for all of the responses. We have had some good conversations. I think he is starting to understand what I need from him and how important this is for me, so this is good. I have also decided to start cooking more, so this should make things easier.

Glad to hear he's coming around.