A Veteran Here

[Lisa]

Too funny. I dunno if anyone would be offended by the joke. Being called Mr. Smallwood might offend some though. OOOOPSSS.

shush baby, shush.....Mr Largewood might be learking

[elye]

Hmmmmmm...Largewood....

Wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley. Wait...let me reconsider...

[CarlaB]

shush baby, shush.....Mr Largewood might be learking

You guys are cracking me up!

[DingoGirl]

Hmmmmmm...Largewood....

Wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley. Wait...let me reconsider...

\

Emily - never knew you were this funny.....

shhhhhh - - she's one of US

[CarlaB]

. . .

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. “Hey, what's that?” says the barman. “Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a this little man who plays piano.” “Can I try?” The man agrees and gives the barman the lamp and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

. . .

OMGosh, I was laughing out loud at this, my little girls asked what was so funny, I said nothing as I'm wiping my tears from my eyes!

[jennyj]

A woman is walking down a beach and finds a magic lamp.

She rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

He tells her she has three wishes BUT whatever she wishes for her husband gets twice that much.

Her first wish a million dollars.

She gets it but her husband gets two.

Her second wish is a mansion with a sports car in the garage, again hubby gets the same, times two.

The genie asks for her third and after thinking long and hard she asks:

I would like for you to beat me half to death.

Sorry I used to share this with my CPR students. The ladies would laugh but the guys just rolled thier eyes.

[happygirl]

Thanks for the laughs! I'm still in the middle of unpacking boxes (and will be for days...weeks...agh!) and needed some laughs

[Judyin Philly]

KAREN--

HOW IN THE H*** DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY WITH THAT SILLY CAT AS YOUR AVATAR------ ??????????

THE POOR LITTLE THING LOOKS LIKE SOME ONE PUT HIS TAIL IN A ELECTRIC OUTLET AFTER THEY GAVE HIM A BATH...WHERE IN THE DICKENS DID YOU FIND THAT ONE GIRLFRIEND???

IT'S MADE ME LAUGH EVERYTIME I SEE IT.

LAST NITE I WENT TO YOUR PAGE JUST TO LOOK AT HIM SO I'D HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I WENT TO BED..YEP, AN EXCITING LIFE I LIVE IN PA.

HUGS

JUDY

[Mango04]

The Cowboy and the Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand

several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie,"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Mtndog]

NEW BOARD RULE: IF YOU DON"T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO BUT COMPLAIN< KEEP YOUR GLUTEN FREE PIE HOLE SHUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I am sure I am going to get warned for that but I've HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I'm sorry Scott, I know I'm a moderator but I will accept the consequences. I am tired of people seeking out things to complain about.

My mom always said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Lynne just says "Oh my, how nice!"

I'm going to share my most embarassing moments from my younger, crazy days with you:

1. wiped out on stage in front of my ENTIRE high school in the middle of a skit. For leverage, I grabbed the curtain and brought that down too.

2. Walked across a formal dance with my dress tucked into my pantyhose after going to the rest room. My date was trying to tell me but I was REALLY mad at him so I just kept walking. He decided the only way to get my attention was to grab the back of my dress- strapless. He pulled it down. Yes, I was still mad at him.

3. Went to a bar in Boston after a Bruin's game in my young 20's because I heard that the young hockey players went there after games. Making my way through a very crowded bar I didn't notice that my blouse had come unbuttoned. And that still wasn't enough!

4. Fell into a bush hiking down Mount washington with skis on my back. was tired, hit a rock and just keeled over off the trail with about 20 really cute hiking guys laughing at me. Yes, one stopped to pull me out of the wreckage.

frankly, I'm glad to be older except that now all my embarassing moments involve GI stuff.

[CarlaB]

How funny!

I had the flu and was in the high school after hours, the entire boys' soccer team, who won state that year, was sitting in the lobby of the East wing, I was normally in the West wing, a mirror image, so being deliriously ill, I walked into the boys' bathroom right off the lobby in front of the team ... I took one look at the urinals on the wall and stood there for a second trying to figure out a graceful way to get out of this. Of course, when I walked out, they all burst out laughing!

[Canadian Karen]

NEW BOARD RULE: IF YOU DON"T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO BUT COMPLAIN< KEEP YOUR GLUTEN FREE PIE HOLE SHUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I am sure I am going to get warned for that but I've HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I'm sorry Scott, I know I'm a moderator but I will accept the consequences. I am tired of people seeking out things to complain about.

AMEN, SISTER!

Oh, and Judy, ain't he a cute little guy? I luv him!

Hugs.

Karen

[mouse]

Yes, karen, I agree with Judy that your little guy just brings smiles to my face. I think he is cuter then my ostrich and I am jealous

Beverly and Carla, I think that I would have changed schools - he he.

[Mtndog]

How funny!

I had the flu and was in the high school after hours, the entire boys' soccer team, who won state that year, was sitting in the lobby of the East wing, I was normally in the West wing, a mirror image, so being deliriously ill, I walked into the boys' bathroom right off the lobby in front of the team ... I took one look at the urinals on the wall and stood there for a second trying to figure out a graceful way to get out of this. Of course, when I walked out, they all burst out laughing!

OOPS! Now that's embarassing!

Karen- I feel like your cat looks. Really. Armetta- but I LIKE your ostrich.

[Canadian Karen]

Armetta, your ostrich is my favourite little guy! I just love that guy! Never, ever change him! He brings a smile to my face every time he stares at me.....

[Judyin Philly]

OK just for fun sake,,let's say the ostrich and the kitty could well..you know get married I would love to see what their little off springs would look like

now ponder that one..

hugs and nite.

judy

[Rikki Tikki]

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So that men can remember them

[samking72]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the

loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and

needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of

security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to

a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street

in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything

checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh

at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral

against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into

the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000

and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had

your business, and this transaction has worked out very

nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we

checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park

my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be

there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

[AndreaB]

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

This is a great one!

[elye]

My eighty-two year old Dad (who has himself spent his life making people laugh as a radio and television performer) tells this story of the time a few months ago when he was walking through their neighborhood park and came upon old Sid, a friend he's made through these strolls. Sid, ninety-five and a widower, was sitting on the bench, head in hands, crying like a baby.

"Sid! Sid, what's the matter?!" my dad quickly sat down beside him.

"Oh, Les", he began, the tears streaming, "It's terrible. Last week I met the most beautiful, blonde, thirty-year old woman. We spent some time together. She's single, intelligent, witty...and she's dying to go out with me".

There was a pause. "Well, Sid, that sounds TERRIFIC! I don't understand...why are you crying?"

"Oh, Les...I've forgotten where she lives!"

[mouse]

Judy, the offspring would have to buy Spike Glue by the case - he he.

[CarlaB]

A blonde got a phone call from the replacement window company that replaced her windows the previous year. They told her it had been a year since the windows were replaced, yet she still hadn't paid the bill. She replied, "Well, you're going to have to talk to the salesman about that, he said that after a year they would pay for themselves!!"

[Guest nini]

A nun was laying in her bathtub taking a nice relaxing bath when all of a sudden she heard a knock at her door... Who is it? she called out... "Blind Man" came the response... the nun thinking about it a minute and contemplating her naked state in the tub, came to the conclusion that if he was blind what would it matter, so she said "come in"... so the man walks in carrying a set of new blinds for the window, looks at her with surprise in the tub and says "where would you like these? and oh, nice tits"

[Lisa]

How about the nun chasing the priest all around the church.......She finally caught him by the organ.

[jerseyangel]

Ok--you two had that planned!