The Funny Pages - Tickle Me Elbow - The Original

[nikki-uk]

ODE TO CIGARETTES

I enjoyed you so

But you had to go

The cost too dear

On my pocket and my health I fear

So goodbye evil weed

I have no need!

It's been a blast

But you're in my past

..Just WHAT is wrong with me today????..what the hell do they put in these patches

[Mtndog]

GO NIKKI GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go SUSIE GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki- I LOVE the piggy bat. I love pigs and i would love to see the wittle one that that guy had in Monterey. Angus would want to be his friend!

Susie- How bold!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cute construction men!

I'm feeling awfully "sparky" myself today. Must be Frito-freaking-Lay's withdrawal.

From the mouths of babes:

Sammy Shay (Smoker's Epitaph)

There once was someone named

Sammy Shay.

He smoked six cigarettes a day.

He started smoking when he was

seven.

I doubt that he went to heaven.

Erica Warnock (primary school)

And from my uncle. Today was opening day for the Red Sox at Fenway (VERY BIG deal in Bean-town):

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME, WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW, THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY

25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

[Mtndog]

WHERE IS RICHARD WHEN WE NEED HIM?

Check this out: Open Original Shared Link

Is this for real? :blink: :blink:

[DingoGirl]

Well...*snort* - - I fear the lack of toxic chemicals coursing through my brain has rendered me with a very childish sense of humour

....and this is why we love you toxic chemicals or no, you make me laugh harder than anyone on here!

We (2 boys + me) were having a mini picnic in the garden with lots of left over sticky sweets and choccy from Easter and we invited the farm animal toys...(what!!..you don't do that??

oh yes, the dingos and I always bring our farm animal toys from the cupboard under the stairs and have a picnic....... (er, not really - we don't have a cupboard under the stairs and in fact, we don't even have STAIRS)

..BUT!! the halloween toys were mixed up with them.....thus my 12yr old invented the piggy bat

I don't know why, but it REALLY tickled me (...I am quite mad... : )

yes, barking mad

Well now Susan, sounds to me as if you got some bad-ass attitude yourself there girly - you -go - girl!!!!!

Such impulsiveness indeed!!!

YOU BETTER BE ANSWERING YOUR PHONE!!!!

I must tell you, HE HAS NOT CALLED!!!!! and truly, I am a bit flummoxed by that.......

ODE TO CIGARETTES

I enjoyed you so

But you had to go

The cost too dear

On my pocket and my health I fear

So goodbye evil weed

I have no need!

It's been a blast

But you're in my past[/i.

Just WHAT is wrong with me today????..what the hell do they put in these patches

excellent

Nikki- I LOVE the piggy bat. I love pigs and i would love to see the wittle one that that guy had in Monterey. Angus would want to be his friend!

we will see what we can do. Stinker's nose must have been no more than two inches away from the poor wittle piglet the entire time.......utterly fascinated, she could not leave it be for one second....piglet's "mommy" had to come and get him

Bev - - excellent jokes I have not watched the Men's Cramps films yet, will do tomorrow......

[nikki-uk]

WHERE IS RICHARD WHEN WE NEED HIM?

More excellent jokes from Bev's uncle

Check this out: Open Original Shared Link

Is this for real? :blink: :blink:

Quite mad (..hey is that my GP?? ..definitely looks and sounds like him) and utter POPPYCOCK!!!

LOVE IT!!!

yes, barking mad

Ah - ha!! ...and so it will come as no suprise to you that I live in the London Borough of Barking (seriously!)

I must tell you, HE HAS NOT CALLED!!!!! and truly, I am a bit flummoxed by that.......

How very dare him NOT

HARUMPH for you Susan, but fear not..you MUST continue in the same 'bad ass, couldn't give a flying fig, go for it!!' attitude.

Plenty, plenty more construction workers in the sea (with nice cars )

Failing that, we girlies could all head off Open Original Shared Link

[Mtndog]

Quite mad (..hey is that my GP?? ..definitely looks and sounds like him) and utter POPPYCOCK!!!

LOVE IT!!!

Ah - ha!! ...and so it will come as no suprise to you that I live in the London Borough of Barking (seriously!)

How very dare him NOT

HARUMPH for you Susan, but fear not..you MUST continue in the same 'bad ass, couldn't give a flying fig, go for it!!' attitude.

Plenty, plenty more construction workers in the sea (with nice cars )

Failing that, we girlies could all head off Open Original Shared Link

:lol: I love it but it sounds like the guys would have more fun!

Bad ass couldn't give a flying PIG at this point!

Susie- This is especially for you, although I am selfishly claiming # 3 as MINE:

Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

Susie- This is especially for you, although I am selfishly claiming # 3 as MINE:

Open Original Shared Link

No fair Bev #3 IS the best!!

#6 looks constipated

[Mtndog]

No fair Bev #3 IS the best!!

#6 looks constipated

OMG...he does!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: OK- I concede and shall settle for Open Original Shared Link

and Nikki you get to Open Original Shared Link

:lol: :lol: :lol:

OK....you can have Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

and Nikki you get to Open Original Shared Link

Why thankyou Bev - and how did you know I LURVVE the sumo look..........(um.....NOT!!!!!)

[Mtndog]

Why thankyou Bev - and how did you know I LURVVE the sumo look..........(um.....NOT!!!!!)

And Tiny Tim...so handsome, so suave so smooth, so Open Original Shared Link

[nikki-uk]

And Tiny Tim...so handsome, so suave so smooth, so Open Original Shared Link

No, really Bev - you are too kind

Kids have driven me mad (more mad than normal anyway ) today with their constant bickering ( thank god they are back to school Mon!!)...I am pre- menstrual ,want to eat cream cakes, kill someone, then smoke myself silly ......but will make do with taking a puzzle book to bed whilst watching 'House'

HARUMPH!!!!

[gfp]

No, really Bev - you are too kind

Kids have driven me mad (more mad than normal anyway ) today with their constant bickering ( thank god they are back to school Mon!!)...I am pre- menstrual ,want to eat cream cakes, kill someone, then smoke myself silly ......but will make do with taking a puzzle book to bed whilst watching 'House'

HARUMPH!!!!

How about taking Grays anatomy and a bottle of vicoden while watching house ????

[nikki-uk]

How about taking Grays anatomy and a bottle of vicoden while watching house ????

Perfect!!!!

[Jestgar]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7.

The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Jestgar]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't

have sea all round you, you are incontinent.

(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

( Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ***hole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with

crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to

cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would

whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better

off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny

tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?

(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is

always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my

big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels

can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I

think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it

makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two

divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she

was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired

right up her fat ***.

(Jule age 7)

[blueeyedmanda]

Too funny!!!! Kid's say the darndest things.

[Mtndog]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

( Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an ***hole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 8)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny

tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?

(Helen age 6)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it

makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two

divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she

was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired

right up her fat ***.

(Jule age 7)

These were Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God someone revived this thread...I need to LMAO!

Chocolate Funnies

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? ....

Because no one wants to quit.

Problem:

How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car...

Solution:

Eat it in the parking lot.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.

Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.

That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

[Mtndog]

Proverbs for the New Millenium

1. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

2. The modem is the message.

3. The geek shall inherit the earth.

4. Don't byte off more than you can view.

5. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

6. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

[Mtndog]

father's Day Humor:

Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day

was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's

Day."

***********

"If my son is getting half as much out of college as the

college is getting out of me, he'll be a success."

***********

Father's Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were

growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give

me a present that I couldn't afford.

***********

I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone

lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a

pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISP's and a fax. I subscribe

to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the

local & network news every evening. And my kids have the

nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

***********

With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity

the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father's

Day -- they just don't know which "Father" to give it to.

***********

Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them

failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

***********

A friend of mine had 5 kids. When the youngest finally

turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend

posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time

is 18"

[nikki-uk]

These were Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God someone revived this thread...I need to LMAO!

WELL HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!

Particulary liked the choccy jokes as I think (as I'm in my 3rd week of giving up the smokes) that I have traded one addiction for another ...(yes, I'm mad for chocolate!!! )

Never thought I really liked the dark chocolate since I gave up dairy...but man!!!I'm hooked now!!!

I know they say your appetite increases when you stop smoking... but .....somebody, STOP ME EATING PLEASE!!!!!

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Oh, thank god for that!!!

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Exactly....and thank god for control knickers too !!!!

...alway's a dilemma, you know the situation girls, got a new sassy dress....you want to look your best,..but...don't want to 'kill it' by wearing big knickers...

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.

That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A perfect philosophy for the day.

A friend of mine had 5 kids. When the youngest finally

turned 16, and was the last one left at home, my friend

posted a sign on the kid's bedroom door: "Check-out time

is 18"

I say this all the time to my kids.

I've said to my eldest he better get a move on finding a job/flat as times running out (he's 18 in 2 months)

He just laughs at me

The prices of property here he's gonna be with us until he's 40!!!

[DingoGirl]

WELL HALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.

Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

excellent

Proverbs for the New Millenium

1. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

2. The modem is the message.

3. The geek shall inherit the earth.

4. Don't byte off more than you can view.

5. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

6. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Exactly....and thank god for control knickers too !!!!

...alway's a dilemma, you know the situation girls, got a new sassy dress....you want to look your best,..but...don't want to 'kill it' by wearing big knickers...

and would those be the big knickers that Bridget Jones wore, and Darcy laughed at? Wait - it wasn't Mark Darcy - it was the Hugh Grant character, maybe?

NIKKI!!! three weeks without a fag!!!! good for you!! but oh my gosh, I think if I started to gain weight I would just take up smoking again....let's see - - - physical health, or vanity....hmmmmmmmmmm.....I think vanity wins.....

[Mtndog]

and would those be the big knickers that Bridget Jones wore, and Darcy laughed at? Wait - it wasn't Mark Darcy - it was the Hugh Grant character, maybe?

NIKKI!!! three weeks without a fag!!!! good for you!! but oh my gosh, I think if I started to gain weight I would just take up smoking again....let's see - - - physical health, or vanity....hmmmmmmmmmm.....I think vanity wins.....

OMG- I love that movie!!!!!!!!!!!!! So darn funny!

Nikki- good for you! I think I'm smoking the fags you gave up so you must eat the chocolate I had to give up (darn hard to find dairy and soy free chocolate! Maybe I'll move to Switzerland!).

Ccheck this out: Open Original Shared Link

If only it were that easy to get pregnant.

[nikki-uk]

Thanks for the EWWW moment Bev

Love the new avatar!!! (so cute)

<----Here I am making a spectacle of myself (*snort*)

I thought I'd get my eyes tested as I was taking the kids - and blow me if I don't need glasses!!!!

...but at least I can read without my nose touching the monitor now!!!

NIKKI!!! three weeks without a fag!!!! good for you!! but oh my gosh, I think if I started to gain weight I would just take up smoking again....let's see - - - physical health, or vanity....hmmmmmmmmmm.....I think vanity wins.....

LOL!!...OH I KNOW....the agony!!!

(Heck I may be in an iron lung but at least I'm slim ) ONLY KIDDING!!!!!!!

[Miss Missy]

Does anybody else have a particularly annoying jingle stuck in their head? (Who let the dogs out?)

If Moses supposes

His toeses are roses

Then Moses supposes erroneously

For nobody's toeses

Are posies of roses

As Moses supposes his toeses to be

-Unknown source

[nikki-uk]

If Moses supposes

His toeses are roses

Then Moses supposes erroneously

For nobody's toeses

Are posies of roses

As Moses supposes his toeses to be

-Unknown source

OMG!! - my Dad used to say this to me - drove me mad!!