Celiac And Dating/relationships

[jasonD2]

Has anyone experienced problems with dating/relationships as a result of the condition? I'm extremely self conscious about food and eating out and am now that I'm gluten-free im finding it very hard to deal with dating cause I have to be so picky at restaurants...its really humiliating for me..i know it shouldnt be but it is. In this day and age so much emphasis is placed on first impressions, vanity, etc and im just afraid that this will ruin my social life. I feel like a girl wont dig me if im overly picky bout restaurants and the food that i order...she will think im nuts. Whats the best way to deal with the social ramifications of being gluten-free? Or should this not be the problem im making it out to be?

I'm also concerned no one will ever want to marry me because they will be concerned that whatever i have will be passed down to out childrern...silly maybe but this is the type of stuff i dwell on

[rpf1007]

I totally understand your concerns. I feel the same way about the restaurant situation. I fear being dubbed "high maintenance" when I'm totally not because of my limited restaurant options. Not sure what the solution is. I guess in the end, if the person has a huge issue with it- they are not the right person for you. At least that 's what I'm telling myself!

[Greeneyes4950]

I would definately say that it complicates things. Going out to "eat" is by no means easy. For me it's no gluten, casein (dairy) or soy, so things are a lot harder. The last time i went to a restaurant i ended up with a plate of steamed broccoil and green beans.

i would say that i tend to avoid eating out in general which is hard because at my age, 21, being in college, that's a big part of life, going out with people and eating.

My close friends who know all about my food issues try -- "you pick the restaurant" but really don't get it. But in a way i guess i'm lucky that they try. One of my friends has seen me have an allergic reaction when i accidently ate something with soy, so she knows what a slip up eating wise could result in -- massive hive attack.

But that being said, I'm supposed to go out this weekend with my friend, her boyfriend and her boyfriends friend. They want to go out to eat before the movie and my friend told them, "she's on a very strict diet and can't eat much" -- it made me sound like a crazy dieter. They suggested we go to the olive garden...a place fixed with pasta and bread sticks. yeah. this is generally how it goes.

In general a lot of restaurants are becoming more "aware" that people have celiacs. A lot of them have websites and you can find out what you can eat that is gluten free. When i've found myself at a restaurant with no idea what to eat i will tell the waiter upfront: I can't eat things with gluten, dairy or soy. A lot of the time, it's not a big deal, they've heard it before. I usually end up eating something, usually some kind of vegetable or plain rice, but things should be easier for you if you just can't have gluten. Though i have to agree it's kind of embarissing, which is really why i don't like eating out -- plus the possible contamination factor. But i guess you can't really avoid going out just because of a food intolerance or allergy, just deal with it the best you can.

Most people i know, who know about my food intolerances/allergy are supportive so it really doesn't bother me that much. As for being married, which i'm not, and having children, which i don't have -- i would just have to say that for me, who ever i marry is just going to have to accept things or they won't be marrying me, lol. As for kids, since i have the genes for celiacs, i would them to be at least gluten free so they don't go through what i have health wise.

Hope this helps!

[Rachel--24]

I've had alot of issues in addition to gluten intolerance. For the past few years I've been reactive to just about everything...only eating about 5 safe foods which had to be prepared at home. I also had a pretty severe case of multiple chemical sensitivities.

Most of the time I was just staying home and trying to be safe. Dating was definately the last thing on my mind and I had already decided very early on that I didnt want to date or get in a relationship until alot of my health issues were resolved...or at least heading in that direction.

Even at my worst there were some really sweet and caring people who came into my life and were totally wanting to spend time with me regardless. Eating at a restaurant was not even an option and I also couldnt go out for a drink...I couldnt go out dancing or be anywhere that I'd be exposed to perfumes and things that would trigger reaction. Not very exciting....but STILL...people have come along who were not at all inconvenienced or bothered by all of this. Noone has ever made me feel like I was nuts....instead they made me feel very cared for.

My life was all about Dr. appts., researching various health topics and trying to figure out what I could eat....and yet there were people who chose to be a part of my world....actually wanting to be involved and showing concern and making changes in their own life to make sure I dont get sick from chemicals, etc. Even asking if they could go to my doctor appt.'s.

I stuck to my "rule" of no relationships until I'm better...but I did meet some really wonderful people who really cared and became good friends to me.

What I'm trying to say is that if someone cares enough about you....none of it will matter. If it does matter and if it is a problem...then thats nobody you'd wanna be dating anyway.

I think if you are confidant in yourself and not making a big issue out of your diet...then it really shouldnt be a big deal. She should be into you...not what you're eating (or not eating).

Just a few days ago a really good friend that has known me for about a year now told me that if we were dating all of my food restrictions would not be an issue. They've never felt inconvenienced by any of it and if we were out and had to make arrangements to go home so I can cook my food...it wouldnt ever be a problem.

I thought that was very cool.

I think this experience has actually opened my eyes to the fact that this world is full of truelly amazing people.

You will find one...dont worry.

[CaraLouise]

This is a wonderful topic. I appreciate all your replies on this because I think it is hard to be very social when so much of our social functions revolve around food. Thanks for the uplifting thoughts!

[munkee41182]

I have celiac....my fiance has IGA Nephropothy (sp?) - major kidney issues. Eating out is so much harder. when we first started dating we actually joked around a bit about out "issues." We both said that we would have one cheap date since we can share one dish. I can eat what he can't and vice versa. He has to limit his protien to 75g/day...phosphorus (dairy), potassium (fruits/veggies/whole grains) and sodium he has to limit as well.

Honestly if you're not dating someone, it's a good time to do your research on restaurants and if you find one that's gluten-free, then go out with a friend and try it out. Make a list of the restaurants you like and then when it comes time to date - you're ready to go out somewhere and you won't be worried about seeming "high maintenance." Sometimes if you're upfront with them about it (maybe not a first date conversation) they can be a bit more understanding.

Try to lead her to this site or other sites to do some research. The first thing I did with my fiance was print him out a list of "safe" and "unsafe" foods so he knew what I was dealing with. When some people first hear about Celiac, it's a bit scary about what happens to you when you don't follow the diet. But if you reassure them that following this diet will help immensly, they're more relaxed knowing that you can/will be around for a while.

Honestly don't worry about dating...it's summertime so you can go on picnics, to the beach and pack your own food so you don't having to worry about looking weird when you special order things or harass the waiter because he didn't listen to your order the first time. Take it day by day like any other date would go....Chin up and Good luck!

[msmini14]

I would suggest having coffee, thats what I do lol. I explain that I am allergic to certain food and that I would prefer to eat at home and meet for coffee, something along those lines. It seems to work, then that gives you a chance to explain more about being a Celiac.

[sickchick]

[elonwy]

Ah yes. The first thing I would suggest is that if it becomes obvious that they can't deal with the food issues, walk away. I would also do early dates with something that doesn't involve food, or if does involve food, pick something easy, like sushi or PF Changs or another restaurant with a gluten-free menu. The last thing I want it to get sick on a first date. Honestly I don't understand the "date" structure at all. Lets go watch each other chew and try not embarrass ourselves, then sit in a dark room for a couple hours where we can't talk to each other. Huh? How does that come close to helping me decide on a potential partner. The coffee idea is a good one, as are "unconventional" things, like museums or beaches or arcades or something that allows people to interact a little. My best relationships have come from situations where we were just "hanging out" and my worst from those that involved actual dates. But I'm also slightly weird, so take it with a grain of salt.

Most boys, as soon as I explain the "can't kiss you if you've been eating gluten" aspect get really interested in eating gluten free around me, and improve their dental hygiene immensely. If you find someone who's supportive and sees it as a fun challenge instead of a great burden then you'll be just fine.

[kbtoyssni]

Most boys, as soon as I explain the "can't kiss you if you've been eating gluten" aspect get really interested in eating gluten free around me, and improve their dental hygiene immensely. If you find someone who's supportive and sees it as a fun challenge instead of a great burden then you'll be just fine.

I've found this is a huge motivator for guys to eat gluten-free, too!

I know the restaurants around me, I know what I can eat off their menus, and I try to suggest a restaurant. As long as I have some say in where we go, I don't have much trouble. I'm so far past getting embarrassed about not being able to eat gluten and asking lots of questions about the food. Eating gluten-free is just what I do. I go in, I look at a menu, I ask the waiter about ingredients and request special preparation, no big deal. That's just my life. I've gotten the questioning process pretty streamlined by now, and if I can check out the restaurant before I go, it's not too much trouble. I'm guessing if the other person senses this isn't a big deal for you, he/she won't think of it as a big deal either.

[jasonD2]

we covered relationships but what about travel, getting invited to dinner at someones home, etc....how are you supposed to survive? i used to have such passion for travel and now whenever someone suggests a trip i basically turn it down because i know it will be impossible to stay on my diet if i'm in other countries. the point of travel is to experience new cultures and cuisines, not roam around in a city where no one speaks english just to find a restaurant that serves gluten-free food.

[ShayFL]

My husband and I have "date" days. We shoot for 2 times a week. We generally eat out (pack a pic-nic) and do an activity. Well, I can eat at whole foods easy enough. And he as been VERY good about gluten. But he had a brownie after his meal. And later forgot and we kissed. It immediately hit me and I ran to the bathroom and rinsed without swallowing. So he now knows and has promised "no gluten" on date days. He wants to kiss me.

[sickchick]

HAHA Shay... that is cute

[melmak5]

I post on another message board about local music/art/shows, etc. and a few times I have mentioned dietary stuff... someone actually posted a thread entitled "HEY CELIAC PEOPLE, I AM ONE OF YOU!" and 4 of us were "outted" and suggested places to go and gluten-free options in the area as well as products, etc.

Anyhoo... cut the part where someone a few months ago contacted me and said "hey, there is this bbq place and I saw they had a celiac friendly menu and I wonder if you want to go?"

I recounted the story to a friend who said, "wow, that is a REALLY good way to ask you out!"

I had no idea, I thought the person was just being friendly.

The "date" didn't turn into anything more than friendship, but I have say that I have a bit more hope now!

(and a new place that is safe to eat)

[Greeneyes4950]

we covered relationships but what about travel, getting invited to dinner at someones home, etc....how are you supposed to survive? i used to have such passion for travel and now whenever someone suggests a trip i basically turn it down because i know it will be impossible to stay on my diet if i'm in other countries. the point of travel is to experience new cultures and cuisines, not roam around in a city where no one speaks english just to find a restaurant that serves gluten-free food.

It's interesting that you brought this up, i'm going to europe (London, paris, vienna, and budapest) for three weeks in July with a group from my school. I'm probably taking at least a case of larabars with me, because we will walking around all day and i'll need some kind of portable food for when i get hungry (i also get low blood sugar, and have to eat about every three hours). While we are in London, during the first and the third week we are living together in a residence (not a hotel) and we can cook and shop for food and make it ourself. I'm more worried about the second week when we are in paris, vienna, and budapest since we are staying in hotels and eating out all week.

The big joke with everyone who knows me is if i'm going to come back and not look like i've starved for three weeks!

Hopefully not.

[C6H0 KKG]

I'm also concerned no one will ever want to marry me because they will be concerned that whatever i have will be passed down to out childrern...silly maybe but this is the type of stuff i dwell on

Jason -

I wouldn't dwell on this too much. As far as diseases go, this is not one of the bad ones (despite what it may feel like at times!). I'll take one I can manage with diet any day. I would much prefer passing on a celiac gene than a BRCA gene. That said, society has become much more accepting of food-based illness in recent years than in the past. So, even if you do date someone who accepts your condition, fall madly in love, and have children who happen to have the genetic tendency toward celiac disease, it will probably be easier for them than it has been for you. There's also a vaccine in research stages, so this may be a moot point.

As far as dating goes, there are amazing people out there who will not blow the issue out of the water, and will even watch out for your health issues. I'm a big fan of non-eating dates until I get to know the person. Movies, minigolf, etc.

Good luck!

-Katherine

[cupid]

Hi, I'm just starting to feel good enough to get back into the dating game but wondered how quickly do you tell someone you have celiac? I don't want to scare them off before they take a chance to get to know me.

[melmak5]

cupid - I think it depends on the context/situation. I tend to avoid starting with the words "celiac disease" because the word disease usually implies its contagious and people recoil.

If food is involved, I make it pretty clear that sharing is not allowed unless I put some of my food on their plate with my Gluten-free fork, etc.

I try to keep it as casual as possible, "yeah, I cannot eat gluten."

And then answer their questions as they fire them away.

We all know that its more than "not eating bread" but for me, I feel more comfortable easing people into the discussion rather than giving them graphic details about the impending doom of making out with me post-sandwich eating.

(To be fair, one someone thought "it was funny" to joke about putting breadcrumbs on my food... I did explain in GRAPHIC detail would would happen. That person "gets" it now, and also understands that that is not funny.)

[kbtoyssni]

Hi, I'm just starting to feel good enough to get back into the dating game but wondered how quickly do you tell someone you have celiac? I don't want to scare them off before they take a chance to get to know me.

It usually comes up on the first date because the first date often involves food. I'd mention it when you first do a food-date.

[laurelfla]

Great topic!

When I started dating the man who is now my husband, he said, "Let's go out to eat!" And i said, "I don't really eat out." (The diagnosis was new and I was terrified to tell him because I really liked him and for some reason I thought it might scare him off, and I was just embarrassed about the whole thing. Later on when I did tell him, he thought I was crazy for NOT telling him right off the bat!) He is incredibly understanding and immediately accepted the fact that getting involved with me would affect his lifestyle, too, and when we started talking about marriage I worried that he might not want our children to have this, too -- but he's always been fine with that possibility. He thinks it'll be easier for them than it was for me, since I got diagnosed at 24 and miss all those gluteny foods so much!

Think of this as a screening process... if a person you are dating doesn't take this seriously or ever makes you feel bad about this thing that you have no control over... then kick that person to the curb! A person who truly loves you will always want the best for you, and that means being healthy.

That said, I still get embarrassed at restaurants and if I'm in a group i try to sit as near the waiter as possible to be able to communicate less conspicuously. I understand how hard it is to tell someone you want to go on a date with, too -- but I think it's best to lay it out there in the beginning.

As for traveling -- in Europe in some places it is easier to be gluten free and the baked goods are yummier!

[ShayFL]

My husband was totally smitten with me whilst dating. I had no doubt that if I had showed up at the restaurant with my own little cooler of food, that I would still be married to him. And he confirmed this.

[torontosue]

just my two cents worth. I'm a single parent and not in a relationship right now so dating will be bound to come up soon. I'm just freshly diagnosed 3 weeks ago, but I'm thinking that anyone who doesn't understand and make an effort to find a place where I can eat safely is NOT worth dating.

[loraleena]

I got extremely ill 2 months after meeting my boyfriend. He stuck by me through it all and beyond after my diagnosis 6 months after that. He has stuck by me through the many health issues I currently deal with (probably related to undiagnosed gluten issues for so long). He is more vigilant than me about what I eat, where we eat, and kissing me! It all depends on the person. I agree with the last person, if they can't be understanding than they are not worth it.

[Phyllis28]

Check the Travel section of the forum for coping strategies for travel. It takes some planning and research to travel but it can be done. You won't be abe to enjoy all the local food but you will be able to enjoy the culture and sites. I have found the best way to travel is to stay where you have cooking facilities. This has lead to different cultural experiences than other travelers. I have shopped in grocery stores all over Europe and have had to figure out how to use various stoves. I make a lunch for the day out and enjoy it in a local parks.

[num1habsfan]

I know how you feel, too...having health difficulties at a young age is the hardest! Especially when a university student.

Rachel's story is like mine. Though I may not be quite as bad, I sure still am making more visits to the hospitals and doctors than I am anywhere else.

I too try to avoid eating out, because being around friends who don't know anybody else with Celiac they tend to forget. Of course, the true friends never MEAN to forget!

I have the same plan as everyone else, I guess.. I wont get married until I find a person who I know is going to always be able to handle my ailments. If they can't, then do bad! Same goes for dating. It's why I be sure any guy is my friend before I even think about dating them. If they can't accept it all while being my friend, they definitely won't while actually being my boyfriend!

It's taken me a long time to finally find someone who fits my needs. They were so worried about not being able to feed me that they suggested I simply bring my own food..which I did. And I didnt have to worry about starving, or going out to try find a meal. Now he told me that whenever I'm sick, I can message him whenever I want, even if its in the middle of the night!

It's a tough situation for all of us, but we will all have that 'perfect' someone

~ Lisa ~