Was My Girlfriend Out Of Line?

[jasonD2]

she suggested a french restaurant for brunch yesterday so we went. well it wasnt a sit down and order type restaurant it was a stand in line- order- take your food to the table type place. anyway, all of the food was pre-prepared so i didnt feel comfortable ordering anything there. i even asked if I could just get 2 eggs over easy w/ bacon and they couldnt even do that cause they only served scrambled eggs and they were premixed. so my girlfriend got pissy and said forget it lets go. we went to another restaurant and she was in a bad mood the whole time...i ordered a salad and told the waiter i have a gluten allergy so he brings out a salad with a roll on top of it...i sent it back and got a new one and then got glutened shortly after. so not a pleasant morning but my girlfriends attitude pissed me off the most. i feel like she couldve been more understanding and cool about going somewhere else but she wanted to go to this place for their french toast and it probly annoyed her she couldnt get it. anyway, did i do anything wrong here or was it pretty much my girlfriend?

[Fire Fairy]

You didn't do anything wrong. Personally I'm afraid to eat out because it's to easy to get gluten anywhere where they serve gluten food. When I do eat out I plan to just get a plain baked potato and hope for the best. Of course I'm new to the gluten free world so I'm treading extra careful.

[SaraKat]

You didn't do anything wrong, she was probably just frustrated. I feel bad when I go out with my husband and something bad happens with the food and I have to send it back or be pushy. It kind of can ruin the mood of the evening, but he is understanding usually.

[Lisa]

As we continue to keep our health, I think we often forget how stressful it can be to the ones closest to us. Many times they choose to be inconvenienced to accommodate us. And, I'm certain it can be frustrating.

[lynnelise]

I don't think you were in the wrong here at all. You tried to order something and they refused to accomodate you. She shouldn't have taken her frustration out on you. I'm sure it is frustrating to not get to eat what you want when you want it, but at least that isn't her reality all the time like it is for us!

If she is that set on eating at this place could she not go with some friends? There are restaurants I love that my husband is not crazy about so that's where I go when I'm hanging out with friends. Likewise when my husband wants to eat at places that can't accomodate me he goes on his lunch break or with his friends or family. That way he is satisfied and I don't have to worry about getting sick!

[Asianmom]

It was definitely not you! I think that often as people who deal with celiac and gluten issues everyday how difficult it can be for someone on the outside. Especially someone who can't see physically all the pain gluten can cause you, or feel what it feels like when you get glutened. It is not like other types of allergies where you can't breath or get rushed to the ER, so people do not always see it the same way. Often people just think that eating gluten free is a way we choose to live, not a means to survival. I think it might help for you to sit down with her and explain how bad it is when you get glutened, share more information with her etc. Maybe you can call ahead next time, if there is somewhere she wants to go, and pack your own if they can't accommodate. It isn't always easy, but depends on how much you want to do for her? Maybe you can tell her next time they can't accommodate, can we go somewhere else?

Good luck!

[GlutenFreeManna]

Without being there I can't say either way who was in the wrong. She may have acted rudely when you asked to eat elsewhere, but your attitude and how you handled it matters too. Did you apologize to her? Did you offer to make it up to her somehow? My husband understands it's not my fault I have this disease and he will go out of his way to make sure that I can eat somewhere BEFORE we go there. It sounds like your girlfriend didn't do that so that is a mistake on her part. However IF we go someplace and I'm not comfortable that I can eat safely and ask to leave he will do it. BUT I also feel so bad I apologize up and down. However, again, HE is allowed to feel frustrated about it--that's normal for anyone and I'm probably frustrated too. If it's something he was really looking forward to I find a way to make up for not being able to eat there. I may make something similar for him later in the week or get take out from that restaurant for him while making a special meal for myself. Or I may just suggest he go with a certain friend instead so he can go and enjoy himself. Just because I can't eat gluten and I'm so sensitive that I don't allow it in my home, doesn't mean those close to me have to give it up completely. My husband does understand however that he will have to choose between going out to eat where he wants and going out to eat WITH ME. Bottom line is relationships are about compromise, partnership, and putting the other's needs above your own wants(for BOTH parties). No, it's not your fault that you couldn't eat there and it spoiled the date, but it's in your best interest if you want to have a great relationship to find a way to make up for the spoiled date. Maybe you can pick up some french toast to go for her and surprise her with it the next time you guys are planning to have breakfast together. You can make yourself some bacon and eggs in advance and she can have the french toast. Make it romantic/fun if you can, light some candles, put a blanket on the floor for a picnic or whatever works for you. Buy a brand new toothbrush and a little bottle a mouthwash for her (if she's not keeping one at your place) and lay it out on the picnic blanket as well. If she's a good girlfriend she'll know what they are for and laugh. If she's pissy about it then it's probably a sign this relationship is not working out. But at least you can say you tried. Relationships take work. Working around food issues takes even more work (by both people).

[NorthernElf]

This whole celiac can be a big pain in the butt...& not just for us. It can be hard to find a compromise. My brother took us out to a pizza place a year or so ago...I had a glass of wine (well, two) and then, by the end of it, an attitude ! It was either pizza or salad bar and there were many gluteny things in the salad bar and kids mixing it up so I didn't touch it. Yeah, I stayed healthy but was grumpy ! I wasn't prepared to go there - didn't think he would take me there where I couldn't eat (a pizza place for crying out loud!).

So your girlfriend wanted to go to a particular restaurant - take her again. This time bring your own food, order a drink and let her enjoy. Or eat beforehand. Yes, I have done this in restaurants - esp. when travelling - because I really don't like being sick. I've taken my cereal to a breakfast & ordered a hard boiled egg (poached sometimes vinegar, or malt vinegar) & milk. We went to England and everyone wanted authentic fish & chips (breaded!). This worked well - I was prepared to say I couldn't eat it, etc. to the pub staff but no one said anything when I pulled out my food, even though a sign said no outside food. Hey, 3 other diners bought food so I guess they didn't care.

Yeah sucks - to watch folks eat what you can't too but it's always give & take. Likewise, when I have gluten-free snacks I don't usually share - people can see how it feels (Haha) but really it's usually because the stuff is expensive, usually, or I have a limited supply.

[Jestgar]

Maybe you can pick up some french toast to go for her and surprise her with it the next time you guys are planning to have breakfast together. You can make yourself some bacon and eggs in advance and she can have the french toast. Make it romantic/fun if you can, light some candles, put a blanket on the floor for a picnic or whatever works for you. Buy a brand new toothbrush and a little bottle a mouthwash for her (if she's not keeping one at your place) and lay it out on the picnic blanket as well.

This is brilliant advice. (The whole post was pretty brilliant, but this is a step you can take towards making things better between you two.) This would knock my socks off if someone did this for me.

[HS7474]

I think both of you could have handled the situation differently.

We, as caliacs, have to remember that it's a really big pain for otehrs when we always have to order specially. It's obviously worse for us but it can be hard to comprehend and accept all the time when they aren't the sufferers. As a result, sometimes we need to make sacrifices for the ones we love - since they do it all of the time. I probably would have stayed there, tried to be happy, and not eaten anything.

Your girlfriend, however, should have tried to be more understanding. It's not your fault that you have the disease and she should be impressed with how well you take care of yourself. She should be on your side, most definitely.

[Michaelv]

she suggested a french restaurant for brunch yesterday so we went. well it wasnt a sit down and order type restaurant it was a stand in line- order- take your food to the table type place. anyway, all of the food was pre-prepared so i didnt feel comfortable ordering anything there. i even asked if I could just get 2 eggs over easy w/ bacon and they couldnt even do that cause they only served scrambled eggs and they were premixed. so my girlfriend got pissy and said forget it lets go. we went to another restaurant and she was in a bad mood the whole time...i ordered a salad and told the waiter i have a gluten allergy so he brings out a salad with a roll on top of it...i sent it back and got a new one and then got glutened shortly after. so not a pleasant morning but my girlfriends attitude pissed me off the most. i feel like she couldve been more understanding and cool about going somewhere else but she wanted to go to this place for their french toast and it probly annoyed her she couldnt get it. anyway, did i do anything wrong here or was it pretty much my girlfriend?

After reading all of the replies I must admit that I'm shocked, since nobody actually pointed out the obvious. However, instead of disrespecting your gluten-free I'd like to ask you the following:

1) Is your gluten-free aware that you have an AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE that can easily kill you, be it from causing bowel cancer or many other fatal illnesses?

2) Has she ever baked or cooked anything for you that's gluten free? e.g. a birthday cake, pizza, or perhaps a prepared romantic 100% gluten free picnic?

[Takala]

One of you needs to learn to cook gluten free, and the other one needs to learn to research restaurants for suitable entrees before heading out the door.

[GlutenFreeInBMoreMD]

Coping with celiac disease is more than sticking to a diet; it's adapting to a lifestyle. And it is really hard when the ones you love don't get the limits of what you can do. You might need to sit down with her and have a very uncomfortable conversation about the types of places you can eat at and why you have to stick to that. Health is something you can't make compromises on so just be frank so you can avoid those places in the future. Best of luck.

[K8ling]

This reminds me of the BBQ sauce thing that my husband and I went through LOL

It got better for us, I hope it gets better for you!!!

[Aussie GF Girl]

Am sorry to hear this, as eating out for us is difficult enough without being made to feel 'demanding' by others.

I manage these sorts of things by always phoning ahead to ensure they know I'm coming and that I'll need gluten-free.

All in all, don't let it deter you. Keep powering on, and remember, you are the customer. Also, your girlfriend might need a gentle reminder of how much of a challenge life can be having to be gluten-free and if she could work with you, instead of against you, that'd be great.

[celiac-mommy]

This is brilliant advice. (The whole post was pretty brilliant, but this is a step you can take towards making things better between you two.) This would knock my socks off if someone did this for me.

I agree as well!

I also agree that this is difficult for family members as well as those afflicted. I'm also vegan, but if my hub really wants to get an amazing steak dinner, I'll eat a little before we go, enjoy some fabulous gourmet coffee while he eats his dinner, then he'll take me out for a yummy dessert. I've often taken my children to restaurants they love that I can't eat at and I don't get angry with them...

I do see both sides of the story, maybe you were both having an off morning, but a relationship is give and take

[MelindaLee]

If I remember correctly (and please correct me if I am wrong) but this isn't the first time you two have had issues like this. I understand as some have pointed out, that there is a learning curve, and those who don't have to worry about the diet sometimes forget, but it seems there might be something else going on here. My DH, though support, hasn't always been very thoughtful at times. However, after a couple reminders, he has gotten much more thoughtful about things. He is likely to worry if I will be able to get something to eat if we are contemplating going to a particular restaurant, or if I offer to pick up pizza for the family on the way home. Even my 9yr old DD thinks to say, "don't drink my soda I was eating __(something gluteny)" or such. I also agree as some have mentioned, that sometimes it's the way we react to their needs. Overall, thouhg, it's important that your Girl Friend is supportive and understanding when you need special accomodations. As long as you aren't expecting that eveything be your way, all the time, hopefully you two will come to some kind of understanding. Any good relationship is about the give and take. Ideally, in a relationship, we never worry about our wants/needs because our partner does that. We strive to fulfill their every need. If we each do that for each other...we are both well taken care of! Good luck, Jason!