You Find Out Who Your Friends Are...

[livelifelarge24]

I was told when I was first diagnosed that with this disease you find out who your friends are... boy is that true!

I am finding that some of the people in my life are SO amazing and thoughtful, have read what they can, asked me questions, educated themselves in a way to be more understanding and helpful. My future in-laws and family have been amazing about letting me host all the family events so that I can do the cooking. My fiance has changed his lifestyle greatly in order to enable me to feel safe and healthy. I have friends that have sent me recipes and links, my mom buys me every gluten free cook book she can find. I am so blessed to have such great people in my life.

My "best friend" however acts completely put out about anything that has to do with the disease. She makes snyde remarks about it and asks me embarassing questions in front of groups of people that make me feel so stupid. She has made it clear that my condition is completely annoying to her. After the one time I travelled to visit her, bringin my own bag of groceries with of course, I felt so uneasy and uncomfortable in her home, around her kids and with her non-understanding that I haven't been back.

Recently I had my bachelorette party and she and I travelled to Las Vegas with 10 other girls as well as about 6 of the men that went for the bachelor party and my fiance's 30th birthday. We turned it into one big family trip to celebrate all three events. I was nervous about sharing living quarters with non-celiacs but I felt confident that everyone would be understanding. I sent an email to all of the women going explaining that because of my sensitivity I would be bringing a big can of super nice gluten free hairspray and a big bottle of lotion for everyone to share, etc. I also explained the food I would be keeping in the room and why they needed to keep their food and eating areas separate if they were going to eat cookies, crackers, etc. We got a few adjoining rooms and I suggested one be for the hair, makeup, getting ready etc. and it could be one of the rooms I wasn't sleeping in. I also did research ahead of time so that I would know what restaurants I could eat at there and I brought a ton of good food and shared with everone (home made guacamole, tacos, chips n salsa, etc.)

This is not how it went. Despite some of my friends amazing thoughtfullness, showing me their product labels, keeping their stuff seperate from mine, etc., my "best friend" was a nightmare. She spilled her malt liquor drinks all over my car and all over my legs and acted like I was being a prissy princess for needing to clean up. She would grab huge handfulls of cheez its and set them right on the bed and eat them one by one while doing other things. She sprayed at least four different types of hairsprays within a few minutes in our tiny room. She spilled her wheat-filled shampoo all over the room. It was a disaster. She could not have been any more rude or thoughtless. I was SO nervous and so upset the whole time feeling like I was surrounded by poison that I ended up making myself sick with an upset stomach. The second night I snuck off to a room by myself.

Lesson learned, I will always book my own room when travelling. But man, my friendship with her is failing. She just can't be bothered and is SO annoyed by my condition. We ended up getting into a spat and we haven't really spoken since. She has always been the type of person that is selfish and can't understand anybody else's pain. If I broke my foot she'd told me to suck it up and quit complaining. So I know this is something she will never relate to. It makes me said because we've been friends since kindergarten. In many ways it is a toxic friendship and I know this - its not just the disease. But how awful to have to feel guilty over something I can do nothign about. I totally broke down crying on the trip because I just wished so badly that I could eat or drink whatever I wanted like everyone else. :/

[Jestgar]

I'd fire her. Get a new best friend - one that actually cares about you/

[rosetapper23]

Wow, what a "friend"! I have to admit that I haven't actually lost any friends, but "certain" friends will no longer ask me to go out to lunch. I used to have lunch out with my colleagues at work on Fridays, but now they no longer invite me....which is probably best, because they like to split the bill evenly, and my gluten-free meals always cost a lot more. This made me feel guilty even though they told me it was no big deal. However, because they favor Japanese and Chinese restaurants, they stopped asking me to join them and I didn't bother to ask if I could come. I miss having lunch with them! However, we're still pals at work--I just feel left out when it comes to doing anything outside of work.

[Stu]

Some people don't understand the difference between teasing and tormenting. Start spending time with those who do, and put this one on your "Fair Weather" list.

[JNBunnie1]

Some people don't understand the difference between teasing and tormenting. Start spending time with those who do, and put this one on your "Fair Weather" list.

You can shop for a new best friend among those that actually made an effort during your trip. Noone needs to feel the way she made you feel. At this point it's up to you to get healthy, which includes ending toxic relationships.

[1desperateladysaved]

You can shop for a new best friend among those that actually made an effort during your trip. Noone needs to feel the way she made you feel. At this point it's up to you to get healthy, which includes ending toxic relationships.

Many of us have husbands like this. I really believe it is because they cannot understand.

[JNBunnie1]

Many of us have husbands like this. I really believe it is because they cannot understand.

'Cannot' and 'will not' are different. If an adult is capable of holding down a job, driving a vehicle, caring for children, doing their taxes.... They are capable of understanding Celiac. They are choosing not to.

[~**caselynn**~]

I was told when I was first diagnosed that with this disease you find out who your friends are... boy is that true!

I am finding that some of the people in my life are SO amazing and thoughtful, have read what they can, asked me questions, educated themselves in a way to be more understanding and helpful. My future in-laws and family have been amazing about letting me host all the family events so that I can do the cooking. My fiance has changed his lifestyle greatly in order to enable me to feel safe and healthy. I have friends that have sent me recipes and links, my mom buys me every gluten free cook book she can find. I am so blessed to have such great people in my life.

My "best friend" however acts completely put out about anything that has to do with the disease. She makes snyde remarks about it and asks me embarassing questions in front of groups of people that make me feel so stupid. She has made it clear that my condition is completely annoying to her. After the one time I travelled to visit her, bringin my own bag of groceries with of course, I felt so uneasy and uncomfortable in her home, around her kids and with her non-understanding that I haven't been back.

Recently I had my bachelorette party and she and I travelled to Las Vegas with 10 other girls as well as about 6 of the men that went for the bachelor party and my fiance's 30th birthday. We turned it into one big family trip to celebrate all three events. I was nervous about sharing living quarters with non-celiacs but I felt confident that everyone would be understanding. I sent an email to all of the women going explaining that because of my sensitivity I would be bringing a big can of super nice gluten free hairspray and a big bottle of lotion for everyone to share, etc. I also explained the food I would be keeping in the room and why they needed to keep their food and eating areas separate if they were going to eat cookies, crackers, etc. We got a few adjoining rooms and I suggested one be for the hair, makeup, getting ready etc. and it could be one of the rooms I wasn't sleeping in. I also did research ahead of time so that I would know what restaurants I could eat at there and I brought a ton of good food and shared with everone (home made guacamole, tacos, chips n salsa, etc.)

This is not how it went. Despite some of my friends amazing thoughtfullness, showing me their product labels, keeping their stuff seperate from mine, etc., my "best friend" was a nightmare. She spilled her malt liquor drinks all over my car and all over my legs and acted like I was being a prissy princess for needing to clean up. She would grab huge handfulls of cheez its and set them right on the bed and eat them one by one while doing other things. She sprayed at least four different types of hairsprays within a few minutes in our tiny room. She spilled her wheat-filled shampoo all over the room. It was a disaster. She could not have been any more rude or thoughtless. I was SO nervous and so upset the whole time feeling like I was surrounded by poison that I ended up making myself sick with an upset stomach. The second night I snuck off to a room by myself.

Lesson learned, I will always book my own room when travelling. But man, my friendship with her is failing. She just can't be bothered and is SO annoyed by my condition. We ended up getting into a spat and we haven't really spoken since. She has always been the type of person that is selfish and can't understand anybody else's pain. If I broke my foot she'd told me to suck it up and quit complaining. So I know this is something she will never relate to. It makes me said because we've been friends since kindergarten. In many ways it is a toxic friendship and I know this - its not just the disease. But how awful to have to feel guilty over something I can do nothign about. I totally broke down crying on the trip because I just wished so badly that I could eat or drink whatever I wanted like everyone else. :/

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but you're right, you do find out who really cares. Now, as for this best friend, if you two have been best friends since kindergarten the. This warrants atleast an adult conversation. That's a long time to throw away! Perhaps you should send her an invite to your house where you two can talk it over, or choose neutral ground to meet on. I guess if she's not willing to sit and talk with you about such an important subject then you'll maybe need to put some space in your relationship. who knows, maybe she has things going on too that she can use your support on. It's too bad to see such a long friendship end, but if the toxicity continues I don't know that you have a choice unfortunately. good luck!!

[livelifelarge24]

Many of us have husbands like this. I really believe it is because they cannot understand.

That is a good point. My good friend (one of my other bridesmaids) got diagnosed because of watching what I went through and although she is totally thriving now her husband makes every step of the way a fight for her. When it comes down to it I live my life in my home with my fiance and I am so completely lucky to have him there helping me and being almost 100% gluten free with me. There is no way I could handle the emotional part of all this otherwise!

[Yumeji]

That is a good point. My good friend (one of my other bridesmaids) got diagnosed because of watching what I went through and although she is totally thriving now her husband makes every step of the way a fight for her. When it comes down to it I live my life in my home with my fiance and I am so completely lucky to have him there helping me and being almost 100% gluten free with me. There is no way I could handle the emotional part of all this otherwise!

Unfortunately, my boyfriend of almost 6 years (living together for 5) seems to be like this. He gets angry when I don't go out or do things with him after getting sick (gluten or dairy ingestion) and complains that "everything" sets me off. Just yesterday while walking the dog he suggested that perhaps it wasn't the food that was causing my symptoms and that's just the way I am. Despite the physical evidence (which I photograph for future documentation), he still questions the validity of it all! Just today he got upset that I didn't go to the gym with him, as I sit here typing with a hot water bottle on my abdomen.

In addition, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and he even gives me a hard time about that. He doesn't understand why I just can't understand social situations and cracks "retard" jokes all the time. Note: I have two older siblings with autism which he jokes about all the time as well. Unfortunately, his brother and mother are no better. Only the father seems to be sensitive to these types of "invisible disabilities," probably because he has food intolerances himself. Unfortunately, the family criticizes him for being a "hypochondriac."

I remember years ago my grandfather mentioned he had troubles digesting cilantro and to disprove this my mother switched the parsley one night with cilantro and didn't bother telling him. She said the fact that he didn't react means he was full of B.S. I worry that one day someone will "test" my gluten and dairy sensitivities the same way.

[kareng]

Unfortunately, my boyfriend of almost 6 years (living together for 5) seems to be like this. He gets angry when I don't go out or do things with him after getting sick (gluten or dairy ingestion) and complains that "everything" sets me off. Just yesterday while walking the dog he suggested that perhaps it wasn't the food that was causing my symptoms and that's just the way I am. Despite the physical evidence (which I photograph for future documentation), he still questions the validity of it all! Just today he got upset that I didn't go to the gym with him, as I sit here typing with a hot water bottle on my abdomen.

In addition, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and he even gives me a hard time about that. He doesn't understand why I just can't understand social situations and cracks "retard" jokes all the time. Note: I have two older siblings with autism which he jokes about all the time as well. Unfortunately, his brother and mother are no better. Only the father seems to be sensitive to these types of "invisible disabilities," probably because he has food intolerances himself. Unfortunately, the family criticizes him for being a "hypochondriac."

I remember years ago my grandfather mentioned he had troubles digesting cilantro and to disprove this my mother switched the parsley one night with cilantro and didn't bother telling him. She said the fact that he didn't react means he was full of B.S. I worry that one day someone will "test" my gluten and dairy sensitivities the same way.

He makes fun of you, is rude to you and your family, gets upset when you don't do what

he wants. & his family is just like him....gosh! I can see why you love him!

For your mental and physical health, you should stay away from people like this.

[Strawberry-Jam]

Unfortunately, my boyfriend of almost 6 years (living together for 5) seems to be like this. He gets angry when I don't go out or do things with him after getting sick (gluten or dairy ingestion) and complains that "everything" sets me off. Just yesterday while walking the dog he suggested that perhaps it wasn't the food that was causing my symptoms and that's just the way I am. Despite the physical evidence (which I photograph for future documentation), he still questions the validity of it all! Just today he got upset that I didn't go to the gym with him, as I sit here typing with a hot water bottle on my abdomen.

In addition, I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and he even gives me a hard time about that. He doesn't understand why I just can't understand social situations and cracks "retard" jokes all the time. Note: I have two older siblings with autism which he jokes about all the time as well. Unfortunately, his brother and mother are no better. Only the father seems to be sensitive to these types of "invisible disabilities," probably because he has food intolerances himself. Unfortunately, the family criticizes him for being a "hypochondriac."

I remember years ago my grandfather mentioned he had troubles digesting cilantro and to disprove this my mother switched the parsley one night with cilantro and didn't bother telling him. She said the fact that he didn't react means he was full of B.S. I worry that one day someone will "test" my gluten and dairy sensitivities the same way.

move. out.

[mommida]

I try and warn new people that you will find out who your friends are. You have to learn to live with the new diagnoses, changing your diet, and akward social situations. The rose colored glasses have to come off too. Your family and friends tend to show a different side that you haven't seen before.

I can't put up with someone who puts Celiac (me) through a "test" to see how bad my reaction will be. (like the cilantro test)

I am very fortunate, my husband was the first to announce our house is gluten free. I told him maybe would keep some gluten things for him. His answer was NO WAY, not the way it makes you and our children sick.

So if the rules were different, (she was sick, and you weren't)would you act like this?

[bartfull]

I miss my late husband more than words can express. My husband was loving and supportive and if he were still alive I know he would do everything in his power to help me with my celiac.

The more I read here, the more I realize how lucky I am - first, that I got to spend much of my life with that wonderful man, and second, that I am blissfully single. No one to tell me what to do, make me feel guilty for being sick, no one making fun of me, no one to fear giving me an intentional glutening. No one to tell me NOT to come here for support and advice.

Yumeji, Diana, there ARE good men still out there. And even if you don't find one right away, it's OK to be alone. Yeah, I miss Ed, but I am having the time of my life with my business and my friends and my music. I am HAPPY. The moments of my life are stress free. Life can be so good. You BOTH deserve better.

Please forgive me if I am out of line.

[IrishHeart]

You said:

"In many ways it is a toxic friendship and I know this - its not just the disease. But how awful to have to feel guilty over something I can do nothign about."

Why should you feel guilty about a disease you have?

Would she treat you any "better" if you had cancer?

Probably not!

The friendship was already toxic and unhealthy.

This just makes it easier for you to see how unbalanced it really is. She's not going to change, hon. She has been this way since you met as wee ones.

Dump her. You deserve better.

[IrishHeart]

'Cannot' and 'will not' are different. If an adult is capable of holding down a job, driving a vehicle, caring for children, doing their taxes.... They are capable of understanding Celiac. They are choosing not to.

You got that right, sister!

[IrishHeart]

Many of us have husbands like this. I really believe it is because they cannot understand.

Cannot? no, that's just an excuse, sorry. If you can read, you can understand the disease and what's involved.

Not taking the time to do it--- is a whole different issue.

[Victoria6102]

I have definitely found out who my friends are.....there are viciously cruel people who I have to be around a lot, and it's just getting worse. They threaten to put gluten in my food too its a scary situation huh?! I don't like it at all. I've been having a super hard time this past week, and things are really complicated. I know how it is. People are just CRUEL and sometimes there's nothing you can do but leave!

[srall]

My friends have been wonderful! I think because I figured everything out in my forties (self diagnosed) we were maybe at a more mature place? And a lot of my friends were starting to have their own problems with food, primarily dairy and soy, plus a couple of gluten free. I think as each of us starting feeling better, the others tried elimination diets to find their own health. So, I'm not sure how this group would have reacted 20 years ago, but I was friends with them then too, and I remember them being pretty great way back when.

There have been a couple of times where my daughter who is now 9 (diagnosed by her pedi as gluten sensitive at age 7) has not been invited on a couple of things and my suspicion is that it was because of the food, although I send food along with her so I'm not sure why that wouldn't be easier...but maybe that's not the issue. Just my feeling.

As far as my husband, he was VERY skeptical until I was glutened for the first time after being clean for 8 weeks and I crashed: DH rash ALL OVER, severe joint pain, bed ridden for 3 weeks sleeping 16 hour a day. So it was hard to deny after that. Plus, I realized that for probably 5 years I was hiding things from him, like chronic fatigue and migraines because I was trying to appear healthy. Same goes for my daughter. It was very hard to deny she was sick with chronic D, rashes, constant illness, and then everything cleared up when she went gluten/dairy/corn free.

Friends who don't support you...not real friends. There are amazing amazing people on this planet. Search them out. They do exist.

Husbands and boyfriends: Same story. However I do think it must be jarring for them when everything changes so quickly as it must with a celiac diagnosis. But really eventually they should get on board. If they are putting you in danger, I agree...get out.

[Girlygoodness]

wow, you do not just need to get rid of her, you need to tell her that she's being a b*tch. The malt spill sounded intentional, same with the cheese puffs or whatever she was eating.

[Girlygoodness]

Wow, what a "friend"! I have to admit that I haven't actually lost any friends, but "certain" friends will no longer ask me to go out to lunch. I used to have lunch out with my colleagues at work on Fridays, but now they no longer invite me....which is probably best, because they like to split the bill evenly, and my gluten-free meals always cost a lot more. This made me feel guilty even though they told me it was no big deal. However, because they favor Japanese and Chinese restaurants, they stopped asking me to join them and I didn't bother to ask if I could come. I miss having lunch with them! However, we're still pals at work--I just feel left out when it comes to doing anything outside of work.

"friendliness" does not mean friend. I personally believe if you do not want to be inconvenienced for your friends than you are not friends!

[LauraB0927]

I have a friend who happens to be a bridesmaid in my wedding who seemed to shy away from me once I was diagnosed. She never said anything mean or tried to tease me, but I notice she's not calling me anymore or responding to my messages. What gets me is that she always called me to complain about her VERY mild morning sickness when she was pregnant, how she could no longer sleep on her stomach, or the fact that she couldn't use spray gel in her hair while pregnant and expected me to feel sorry for her. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing - I'm sorry, I didnt feel sorry for her one bit. I went through a bit of a rough patch, but did I get phone calls? Not a single one....if this continues I will have no qualms about reconsidering my decision to have her be a part of my wedding.

Despite all of that, I feel very lucky and blessed to say that I have an amazing fiance who has been supportive the entire time since my diagnosis (I've been happy to speak about him in other posts). We met almost four years ago (I was just diagnosed in May) and I never had any symptoms, so it was a bit of a shock for both of us. He went to doctor's appointments with me, helped me shop in the beginning when I had NO idea what I was doing, and jumps to ask waiters questions regarding their gluten free menu and cross contamination so that I don't have to. He even takes a little time to correctly educate them about Celiac disease if they seem a bit confused. He takes time to clean the kitchen after using gluten products and if I try to kiss him when he comes home, sometimes he'll stop me and say "NO! I had gluten a couple hours ago!!" and then kiss me on the cheek.

I've come to realize that I am going to come across people in life that will understand me, and some that won't or will refuse to. To the ones that refuse to - here's a nicely manicured middle finger to you...I don't need you. I have my family, my friends, and my bag of Glutino chocolate covered pretzels...I'm gonna be just fine.

[anabananakins]

wow, you do not just need to get rid of her, you need to tell her that she's being a b*tch. The malt spill sounded intentional, same with the cheese puffs or whatever she was eating.

I agree. She's being a complete cow and is getting a kick out of it as her behaviour seems to be getting continuously worse and worse - like she's waiting to be called on it. The harm she is trying to do you is getting greater and greater, plus she's belittling you emotionally. Now, if she was trying to harm you with escalating physical violence (maybe a slap to start, a punch, moving on to whacking you with a 2 x 4)... you'd be reporting her to the police. Now, obviously you can't and wouldn't do that with hair spray and cheese puffs, but the mindset from her point of view is still the same, she's treating you worse and worse until you snap. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, I would calmly tell her she's a b%$@# and I don't want to see her again, I'd walk away, break of all contact and find nice new friends. Those other girls at the party sound much sweeter. In general, most people are much sweeter - I think you'd be hard pressed to find total strangers who would treat you so badly! You shouldn't take it from someone you known so long. *hugs*.

[RonSchon]

Many of us have husbands like this. I really believe it is because they cannot understand.

Diana, my WIFE of 20 years divorced me over my made up problems. We had a picture book marriage up until celiac disease took over.

She's a senior executive with a Fortune 25 company, if you'd like to know what level of intelligence she has.

Not just a MAN thing.

[Jestgar]

Diana, my WIFE of 20 years divorced me over my made up problems. We had a picture book marriage up until celiac disease took over.

She's a senior executive with a Fortune 25 company, if you'd like to know what level of intelligence she has.

Not just a MAN thing.

No. It's a worthless-excuse-for-a-human-being thing. Sorry you found out you'd been living with one. Wish they came with warning labels:

"Warning. This being only resembles a caring human. Do not invest emotion as he/she will only take, and not return."