The Poopie List
Posted 06 September 2006 - 05:03 AM
gluten-free since Feb 2005
Posted 06 September 2006 - 05:05 AM
OMG Jen--we were posting at the same time! I thought that movie was so funny! I could really relate to the poor guy
ha ha! anyone here ever seen "Along Came Polly?" "Shart" should be added to that list
"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"
"When people show you who they are, believe them"--Maya Angelou
"Bloom where you are planted"--Bev
Posted 06 September 2006 - 05:18 AM
HOW TO POOP AT WORK WITH GRACE
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will leave all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
Casein free since June 2006.
Gluten free since August 2006
Egg and Soy free since October 2006.
Diagnosis of IBS May 2006.
Diagnosis of Fibromyalgia September 2006.
Negative biopsy and blood tests.
HLA-DQ 2,1 (Subtype 2,5) which means I have one celiac gene and one sensitivity gene.
Mother of three special boys. (and not just because of their dx's)
Married 13 years to a guy who wishes we weren't all so "special!"
Posted 06 September 2006 - 12:15 PM
I hate people that stay in the bathroom forever.....its like its almost empty for you to "do your thing" but theres one person thats standing at the mirror forever!!!!! and then when they finally leave its just as someone else is coming in.....
My method of public pooing is to sit on the toilet....get yourself ready and then wait for someone to flush then let it rip while the flushing noice is covering it up....lol....but you have to be able to stop in mid poo to wait for the next flusher......lol
Posted 07 September 2006 - 04:22 AM
I can finally relax. So many questiions have been answered on this thread. The eternal and totally self centered, 'Does anybody else in the world use as much toilet paper as me?' question especially. And doesn't it show awesome creativity on the part of humanity to save face? But better than saving face is just knowing that I have the freedom to poop and laugh about it. Who knows , I may even come out of the closet and never come out of the stall! I have to question the accuracy of one poster though. Is this really a gut buster or is it a BUTT GUSTER?
Posted 07 September 2006 - 06:00 AM
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you." Numbers 6:24-25
Posted 07 September 2006 - 06:27 AM
We'll all float on, alright
Well we'll float on good news is on the way...
Posted 14 September 2006 - 10:08 AM
i enjoy poop humor. but then again, i have gastrointestinal problems up the wazoo... and i'm a 14 yr old boy trapped in a 25 yr old woman's body ;-P
*Cutting down on soy and dairy since 9/06
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