Wedding Vent

[blueeyedmanda]

So my big day is only 3 months away!!!

My MIL bought her dress last week and it looks like a prom dress, it is fancier than my bridesmaids dresses. My own mom is not a fancy person and she is getting just a plain black skirt and a dressy top. I know my own mom is going to feel out of place now.

Why would she buy a dress so fancy like that? I don't even want to break the news to my mom, she was originally going to wear black slacks.

For all my fellow celiacs who are married both recent weddings and past weddings, how were your parents dressed? How would you handle this?

[tarnalberry]

You can see from Open Original Shared Link that people dressed very differently. My problem was less what people wore, rather my dad threatened to not come because I invited my mom's side of the family (my mom died 23 years ago). Then one of my bridesmaids got lost on her way to the site, and was missing from most of the pictures. Then the cake was an hour late arriving to the reception site, only making it half an hour before we were going to have cake, because there was a malfunction at the bakery, and the baker had to go to her other store an hour away!

My point - these things are going to happen. They're not in your control - no matter how much of a bride-zilla you try to be. (Just a joke, I'm not saying you are one at all. ) Your mom can choose to be hurt, or choose to be comfortable and happy with her own clothes. You can choose to enjoy the variety and uniqueness of your guests as a reflection of the variety and uniqueness of the people in your life (for better or worse, but at least for real), or you can try to make everyone conform. The latter sets you up with rather high expectations that are likely to leave you unhappy.

(My last boss' best piece of advice ever, most useful advice I've ever gotten from a boss: "Lower your expectations. Not everyone is you.")

I'm sure it'll work out alright - they clothes they wear won't change how much you love (or don't ) them.

[CarlaB]

Don't worry about it. Tell your mother that your future MIL bought something that looks like a prom dress, but that you prefer what your mother is wearing. Just let it go.

Several of my bridesmaids flew in from out of town. I took them to the dress shop for a fitting as I picked them up from the airport. The lady who measured wrote how much to take the dresses in ... one lady took them in and left the notes on them ... so another lady took them in AGAIN!!

Fortunately, my grandmother owned a bridal shop for years, so my grandfather out of habit grabbed the sewing kit as he left the house. My mother and grandmother were ripping out seams when the wedding was supposed to start! The bridesmaids had waited till the last minute to put the dresses on so they wouldn't be wrinkled ... so we didn't know they didn't fit till the last minute.

They all had seams that were tacked together, but it worked out fine ... they all got their money back for the dresses and they all looked beautiful for the wedding. My little sister almost had to wear her jeans and t-shirt down the aisle, but in the end, it really didn't matter.

The only thing that matters that day is that you're getting married. Your MIL's dress won't mean a thing.

I did put my foot down when my mom was going to spend twice as much on her dress as I did on mine!

[Belinda Meeker]

So my big day is only 3 months away!!!

My MIL bought her dress last week and it looks like a prom dress, it is fancier than my bridesmaids dresses. My own mom is not a fancy person and she is getting just a plain black skirt and a dressy top. I know my own mom is going to feel out of place now.

Why would she buy a dress so fancy like that? I don't even want to break the news to my mom, she was originally going to wear black slacks.

For all my fellow celiacs who are married both recent weddings and past weddings, how were your parents dressed? How would you handle this?

Glad to hear u r going to get married soon ! Congrats

My son is getting married in October, and his bride to be asked us wht we would like to wear (being her mom and I r neither one fancy) Her mom has chose to wear black so I'am going to too only because we have to do the together thing lighting candle and walking down the isle

I too had a "Way over dressed MIL"

but as long as u r happy with it then let her be, she maybe the one out of place and not ur mom

She prolly got this drees so she 'would' be noticed (haha)

But just let it go cuz it is ur special day and yes things that go wrong will be laughed at later

My wedding was the day after Christmas and very hurried up, but sailed very soon the day of (most weddings never go smooth) just try to relax and remember it is the best day of ur life

Good luck !

[blueeyedmanda]

You can see from Open Original Shared Link that people dressed very differently. My problem was less what people wore, rather my dad threatened to not come because I invited my mom's side of the family (my mom died 23 years ago). Then one of my bridesmaids got lost on her way to the site, and was missing from most of the pictures. Then the cake was an hour late arriving to the reception site, only making it half an hour before we were going to have cake, because there was a malfunction at the bakery, and the baker had to go to her other store an hour away!

My point - these things are going to happen. They're not in your control - no matter how much of a bride-zilla you try to be. (Just a joke, I'm not saying you are one at all. ) Your mom can choose to be hurt, or choose to be comfortable and happy with her own clothes. You can choose to enjoy the variety and uniqueness of your guests as a reflection of the variety and uniqueness of the people in your life (for better or worse, but at least for real), or you can try to make everyone conform. The latter sets you up with rather high expectations that are likely to leave you unhappy.

(My last boss' best piece of advice ever, most useful advice I've ever gotten from a boss: "Lower your expectations. Not everyone is you.")

I'm sure it'll work out alright - they clothes they wear won't change how much you love (or don't ) them.

You pictures are so amazing. I bet it was so nice in person, at the shore and all. Love the dress!!

[aikiducky]

My mom wore a traditional Finnish dress (if you go to Open Original Shared Link and click on "Koillismaa" on the long list of names, you see a photo of that particular dress). My MIL wore something very elegant in pale blue/grey. They both looked lovely. They get along very well and I rather suspect that they had called each other beforehand.

Our biggest wedding hassle was that when we arrived at the place of the reception on the morning of the wedding, the tables hadn't been set and what's more, they were still pushed against the walls and piled on top of each other. So the first thing I did on my wedding day was carry around some tables. Luckily I had decided to get dressed there to not wrinkle my dress in the car, and quite a few of my friends were also there early (to rehearse something they wanted to perform at the reception), so we got everything set in time.

Our catering wasn't stellar for the rest of the day either but I don't think any of our guests really noticed. It just wasn't quite what I had asked for. I was a bit upset about it at the time but nowadays I just laugh when I think about it. All in all it was such a wonderful day because of the PEOPLE that were there, all our family and friends and most importantly, my dear husband and proclaiming our love in front of everyone. The whole wedding ceremony was lovely.

Another thing that happened was that a friend who played violin at the ceremony was so late that he slipped up to the organ loft while we were already at the altar. We never even noticed. I never to this day knew what exactly happened, something to do with a shirt... And after the ceremony, the organist just slipped away before we had a chance to thank him or invite him to the reception.

My mom attends a lot of weddings because my dad is a Lutheran minister (um, is that the correct term to use in English for a Lutheran priest person?). According to her, something ALWAYS goes wrong. actually my dad has some pretty funny stories a swell. So don't get too stressed, it's how it's supposed to go.

Pauliina

[ravenwoodglass]

I would let my Mom know so she won't be surprised and burst out laughing but other than that I would not worry about it. If she is dressed up like a teenager going to a dance it will just make your Mom look 'classier'. Everyone is going to be concentrating on you anyway and you can always ask the photographer to pose so her 'gown' is less obvious. Congrats and enjoy your day.

[confused]

Well my mom was my maid of honor since she is my best friend, so she wore an dress like the other bridesmaids but with an white part on it while the rest were in all black. My colors were black and white lol, my dad and hubby and stepson had white tuxes with tails and the best man had a black tux with tails and the rest of the groomsmen were in black tuxes. Dans sister stood in for his mom, since his mom passed away a few months after we got together and she just wore an nice pant suit. So they were completely differently dressed and no one cared. So just let your mom know what the mil is wearing and see how she feels if she wants to wear the skirt and be comfortable then she should, as long as she isnt wearing a tube top and shorts who cares lol.

I stressed over so much when planning my wedding and you know what it all fell together in the end, besides my ugly wedding cake and no balloons at the church to be released, and going threw 3 flower girls but u know what, my wedding was the best day of my life, well besides becoming a mom.

The wedding i went to last week for my cousins, my aunt was in an off white dress and the mil was in a red dress, and i think they were way over dressed for the mothers of the bride and groom.

After we cut the cake at our wedding almost everyone went home and changed, i went back in a little one piece short outfit, cause we went to the bar after the wedding lol. I wanted to be comfortble, my dress weighed 100 pounds if not more, all my bridesmaids had to lift it over my head lol.

I am not sure were I am going with all of this, im just rambling. But i want you to know everything will fall into place. Just enjoy your day and have fun, dont stress over the little things, this is coming from someone that is very anal and wanted everything perfect.

paula

[EBsMom]

I think you should mention it to your mom, but you could do it in a way that lets her know that you like her outfit better than the "prom dress." When my brother got married, our mom wore a simple, classy looking floral suit. The bride's mother wore an awful frilly, shiny dress - much like a prom dress, lol - with dyed-to-match shoes. She looked more like a bridesmaid than the bridesmaids did! My mother looked so elegant in comparison. Sometimes, less truly is more!

Congrats to you, and I hope it all goes smoothly!

Rho

[melrobsings]

My mom lost a ton of weight before the wedding so she bought this expensive thing. just an a-line plain brides made dress....but it didn't look bridesmaid-ish.

my mother in law was white trash and wore this god aweful 1980's frumpy sack dress that was white with light purple and blue flowers thrown up all over....it was a mess....

i didn't care what they wore, i only cared about me and my then hubby, everyone is there for you and only you after all!

dont stress it.

[Karen B.]

So my big day is only 3 months away!!!

My MIL bought her dress last week and it looks like a prom dress, it is fancier than my bridesmaids dresses. My own mom is not a fancy person and she is getting just a plain black skirt and a dressy top. I know my own mom is going to feel out of place now.

Why would she buy a dress so fancy like that? I don't even want to break the news to my mom, she was originally going to wear black slacks.

For all my fellow celiacs who are married both recent weddings and past weddings, how were your parents dressed? How would you handle this?

I'd only tell your Mom how classy she will look by comparison. Good quiet taste trumps flash any day. At my brother's wedding, the bride's sister showed up in some floaty lavendar chiffon and rhinestone affair that much fancier than the bride's dress (a tasteful, traditional wedding dress). It looked like something you'd see at the Oscars! I don't think she realized she looked ridiculous, tricked out in Hollywood style at a small country church wedding. She looked so overdone everyone else found it funny.

[jkmunchkin]

Don't worry about it. Tell your mother that your future MIL bought something that looks like a prom dress, but that you prefer what your mother is wearing.

I think Carla's advice is perfect.

I totally stressed about what both my mom (technically my stepmom) and my husband's mom were going to wear. My mom tends to sometimes have interesting taste and my MIL is the plainest woman on earth. I was so aftraid my mom would be in some fro fro dress and my MIL would be in a black suit. But my mom ended up picking out a gorgeous black Rose Taft dress, that she looked amazing in, and my MIL while her dress wasn't as fancy also wore a nice black dress, that for her was very dressy and she looked great.

Basically it's not worth you worrying. One of my friends got married a year ago and her MIL was wearing a dress that looked like she was going to the Oscars. Even though her dress was totally over the top, after looking at it for 2 mins. you just kinda forgot about it. Everyone is going to be focusing on you and your husband. So don't worry about what anyone else is wearing.

[cmom]

I have a different problem. My son is getting married one week from today. He has been engaged for a year and a half. He went to the bride's father before proposing asking for his blessing. Her father said the family loved my son and would be happy to have him. HOWEVER, we have paid for everything for this wedding. Not once has her dad offered to help financially or in any other way. My son and she have paid for the what they can afford, but they are both college students and not rich. Her g'ma did have a shower for her and has bought a few decorations. This has really been a hardship on us but I do not want the bride to know as she feels really bad about her dad not helping. Especially since he bought her 2 younger brothers dirt bikes and an XBox with games. Her mom lives several states away but we don't expect any help there either. But I know the important thing is that the kids have the wedding they want and they are happy. (We are going for SIMPLY elegant, nothing elaborate)

[blueeyedmanda]

I know what you mean by expensive weddings. Even fire halls are 800-1000 around here to rent. We are having ours at the Antique Auto museum, it is just a little more than a fire hall. The employees do all the setting up. It is actually very neat, old cars surrounding the tables.

[melrobsings]

Hey guys I'm back, so i talked to my mom....she was a wedding planner for about 10 years and was VERY good at it cause she is so bossy! lol She did my wedding and it was the most amazing wedding in the world and it was CHEAP (for what we got).

But my moms # 1 rule of thumb about weddings is:

Remember that you have to live with the other family for the rest of your life, yes it's YOUR wedding BUT if your MIL wants to look like a prom queen and you think it will be an issue if you said "tone it down" then let her be a prom queen. People get crazy around wedding and hold that one day grudge for the rest of their lives.

No matter what, have a great wedding.

As for the cost I couldn't tell ya, I paid for 90% of my wedding cause I wanted to...it's a control thing!

[confused]

I know what you mean by expensive weddings. Even fire halls are 800-1000 around here to rent. We are having ours at the Antique Auto museum, it is just a little more than a fire hall. The employees do all the setting up. It is actually very neat, old cars surrounding the tables.

That sounds so awesome, and i like that they set up. We had to set for ours and clean it all up. We rented the elks lodge cause my dad is an elks and my mom was in the elks lady, I think we paid about 1000 to rent it for 10 hours. Which is not bad at all. Have you got any deocrations for the tables and stuff yet. What about music, food.

I know about grudges to. Some of hubbys family has held grudges from that day, and we have some of our own. Like for instance we paid for the dresses and tuxes and rooms for the wedding party, and one couple didnt even give us a wedding present. We also paid for all the girls to get their hair done, cause i wanted them all to have their hair up, and only me with hair down. lol.

paula

[Michi8]

I second melrobsings' post.

Something I tried really hard to do with my wedding was to just let stuff roll off my back. Really tough for someone who has to be in control of everything! My mother had a lot of say about the wedding: hall, church, # of guests...and I just let it go. It wasn't worth a battle, and since she was footing a good portion of the bill (split between my parents and DH's parents) she was entitled...and all that really mattered to me was that I was getting married. I chose the cake, dresses, colours, etc. My mom was happy and I was happy.

Stuff did go wrong on the actual wedding day (par for the course), but it was small stuff that no one else would notice. Wasn't worth getting stressed over...I just let it go, and had fun with the day.

Mcihelle

[debmidge]

Amanda:

As you know I like bridal business and I wanted to know if MIL's dress is prom like in today's "slinky-sexy" dresses or like Cinderella dress? I didn't know how to go with this one.

I am aware of one thing, however, after searching for a nice dress for my brother's wedding 2 year ago I realized that there are no nice dresses for sisters of bride/groom who are not in wedding party nor young mothers of bride/groom if that sister is overweight or too shy to wear strappless (like me). I was 49 years old and didn't want to get a dress that showed my fat nor did I want to get a dress that made me look like the grandmother of the bride. All the dresses I ran across were matronly or sexy/strapless - so it was either decide from "grandmother" of the bride dress styles or sexy/slinky/strapless style. Perhaps MIL ran into this problem too and tried to make the best decision?

At my wedding, my MIL bought the same color and fabric dress as my mother and I asked her nicely to return it for another color and she refused (she bought it "off the rack" in Sears and it was returnable). It wasn't even the best color for my mother in law.

In our photos it looks bizzare as the 2 mothers could be mistaken for bridesmaids or trying to be twins. In my opinion, and I don't know if this is etiquette, but doesn't the Mother of Groom give way to what the mother of bride wears? Isn't that the succession? Especially if the bride's family is paying 100% of the costs (not MIL's dress however)?

Rule of thumb: just don't outshine the bride that day whether your're in the wedding party, family or a guest.

[blueeyedmanda]

Amanda:

As you know I like bridal business and I wanted to know if MIL's dress is prom like in today's "slinky-sexy" dresses or like Cinderella dress? I didn't know how to go with this one.

I am aware of one thing, however, after searching for a nice dress for my brother's wedding 2 year ago I realized that there are no nice dresses for sisters of bride/groom who are not in wedding party nor young mothers of bride/groom if that sister is overweight or too shy to wear strappless (like me). I was 49 years old and didn't want to get a dress that showed my fat nor did I want to get a dress that made me look like the grandmother of the bride. All the dresses I ran across were matronly or sexy/strapless - so it was either decide from "grandmother" of the bride dress styles or sexy/slinky/strapless style. Perhaps MIL ran into this problem too and tried to make the best decision?

At my wedding, my MIL bought the same color and fabric dress as my mother and I asked her nicely to return it for another color and she refused (she bought it "off the rack" in Sears and it was returnable). It wasn't even the best color for my mother in law.

In our photos it looks bizzare as the 2 mothers could be mistaken for bridesmaids or trying to be twins. In my opinion, and I don't know if this is etiquette, but doesn't the Mother of Groom give way to what the mother of bride wears? Isn't that the succession? Especially if the bride's family is paying 100% of the costs (not MIL's dress however)?

Rule of thumb: just don't outshine the bride that day whether your're in the wedding party, family or a guest.

Actually since we last spoke, she has bought another dress. This one looks like lingerie. She says she likes things like this. I was in David's bridal the other night and the first dress she choose is similiar to a bridesmaids dress I saw there. Only she bought her in Macy's. This lingerie dress she said she will wear to church and stuff, It is not appropriate for church. She is not a young mom either, so it is going to look very strange on her. She wanted to get a lilac one like my attendants and I was like nope!