Am I Being Unreasonable, Or Is He?

[emcmaster]

My husband and I have a wonderful cat that is pretty much our "baby". My husband had her before I met him, but she and I completely bonded when I moved in 3 years ago. She sleeps in our bed, next to my husband's head, sharing his pillow. We think this is cute.

Let me preface this to say that I love the cat. She's cuddly and affectionate and cute.

However, she has a horrible habit of meowing LOUDLY in the middle of the night. Several times. Every night. Usually after she uses her litter box, eats and drinks water, she "announces" to us that she's done. For no reason.

This wakes me up every time, as I am a somewhat light sleeper. It does not, however, wake my husband up, ever. We have tried keeping a spray bottle full of water in the room so I can spray her when she meows (this is a classic disciplinary tool for cats and it works well during the day when she walks around the house meowing). The problem is, it's dark in the room, so I can never tell exactly where she is to spray, the bottle doesn't spray far (so it never reaches her, especially if she's in the bathroom), and it wakes me up even more to sit up and do it.

This has been happening for the last few months and I don't think I can take it anymore. I work a lot, so I don't get much sleep as it is and this just throws me over the edge.

Today I told my husband that one of us has to go: me or the cat. I don't mind sleeping in the guest bedroom, as the bed is quite comfy. I told him that either the cat has to sleep in the laundry room (on a comfy cat bed with her food and littler box, of course) or I'm sleeping in another room.

He threw a fit and said there was no way we were going to lock the "baby" up in a "cage" (referring to our laundry room which is NOT super small) and that I just needed to get over it. I asked him how he'd feel if I woke him up every time she woke me up... and he said that was "cruel" (I know - that's the point I was trying to make!).

I guess I'm going to have to start sleeping in the guest room, which my husband will be upset about, but at least I'll get a full-night's sleep.

Am I being unreasonable about this?

[Viola 1]

He is being unreasonable in my opinion.

As much as I love my Sheba, if she was jepardizing (sp) my health, or my hubby's she would soon be sleeping outside the bedroom. With her cozy bed and water of course. I think I would just wake up hubby everytime the cat wakes you, he can deal with it. Maybe that's the only way he will understand.

[jerseyangel]

Hi Elizabeth

Recently (for the better part of a year or so), we've been having the same kind of issues with our cat. We consider him a part of the family, and have for the last 15 years.

For years, he would just make the rounds at night, maybe sleeping for a while at the end of our bed. He was always quiet, though, so no problems.

Now, he comes in at around 2-3AM and walks all over us and purrs loudly in my ear as he nibbles on my hair I'm the same as you--if I get woken up like that, It's hard for me to get back to sleep.

We made the decision to close the bedroom door every night now. This way, he has the run of the house, as usual, except for our room and our son's room (he always closes his door anyway)

Allo has his own bed in the large hallway outside our bedroom that overlooks the family room. Most mornings, my husband finds him happily sleeping in it.

Maybe get the cat his own bed? (ours has a basket that I keep lined with a clean towel)

I hope you and your husband can come to an agreeable solution about this--you need your sleep!

[Viola 1]

Oh ... I forgot. Our human babies have their own nurserys and bedrooms once they are old enough. Does he consider this cruel?

[emcmaster]

Thanks, ladies, for your opinions.

We traveled for the holidays and as much as I missed Mereike (Murr-icky), it was the first time in months that I'd been able to sleep through the night. On our first night back, she woke Matt (my husband) up several times because she was so cuddly (she was jumping on him and licking his head, etc.). He mentioned to me that he hoped she'd get over that because it was so annoying to be woken up all night long. Um... hello? That's what I deal with every night! I think I will bring that up to him tonight when we talk about it.

Patti, I'm glad to hear that your kitty seems happy having his own bed. Does he scratch at the door at night? Mereike would, as she still has all her claws and is very persistent when she wants something. We would have to put her at the opposite end of the house with the door closed. Do you think she'd get over it?

Viola, that's very true. I think he's having the same hard time adjusting to the thought of her sleeping on her own as parents sometimes do when deciding to stop having a "family bed" and moving their kids to their own rooms.

[jerseyangel]

Elizabeth--

No, he dosen't cry or scratch at the door during the night, but as soon as we wake up and say anything--he's out there wanting to come in! At that point, we let him in.

I think your Mereike would certainly adjust--we have actually moved 4 times during Allo's life--and he has always done fine. He rode up in the car with us from Georgia to NJ, has stayed in hotels with us and has had to get used to different routines/places each time. Just take a look at him to the left--he still thinks he runs the house

Like with a child, it takes constistancy. Make whatever you decide to do a habit, and repeat the before-bed steps every night. Maybe incorporate his favorite kitty treats into the deal.

[Jestgar]

However, she has a horrible habit of meowing LOUDLY in the middle of the night. Several times. Every night. Usually after she uses her litter box, eats and drinks water, she "announces" to us that she's done. For no reason.

Well HELLO! She's up! Why aren't you???

This reminds me of a story. One of my brothers was visiting one of my other brothers. The local brother had a cat that kept the visiting brother and his wife awake all night long. So all the next day, whenever the cat tried to sleep, the visiting brother woke her up. At the end of the day everyone was tired and grouchy, and the cat didn't keep anyone awake for the rest of the visit.

[Guest cassidy]

You need to do whatever you have to do to get your sleep. It is crazy that you are up at night because of the cat. My husband sleeps in the guest room because he needs to sleep with a white noise machine, ear plugs and blinders. Every time I roll over he wakes up and then wakes me up to let me know that I woke him up. It just wasn't working. He couldn't sleep with our cat either, and our cat has slept in the bed with me since he was a baby. We tried just banishing the cat and he cried all night and I was miserable. Now, the cat and I are in one room and my husband is secluded in another room and we all sleep very happily. We are having a baby which will sleep in the bed with me in the beginning and I'm wondering what will happen to the cat then, hopefully we can all get along.

If you seriously don't mind sleeping in the guest room, you could try that. As long as you are not resentful about the cat taking your place in the bed and you have the attitude that you are ok with it because it is what you need to do to sleep, then I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I'm sure your husband likes sleeping next to you and may realize he would rather have you than the cat and then it can be his decision to banish the cat, which might go over better. In the end, you do have more of a right to be in the bed than the cat does, and your sleep is more important, so you totally can insist that the cat sleeps elsewhere.

[plantime]

My husband and I cannot sleep together in the same bed. Neither of us gets any good sleep that way. Therefore, when he is home on R&R, he sleeps in one room, and I in another. As for the cat, she's a nocturnal creature, and doesn't understand why you don't get up with her at night. Putting her in a room of her own at night with a comfy blankie and some toys to play with won't be at all bad for her.

[CarlaB]

Am I being unreasonable about this?

No. Hubby will hopefully get tired of the lack of benefits .... just be sure there are none on the nights he chooses the cat.

[Nancym]

Why not let the cat have access to the house minus your room? That's what I do with mine, he can roam around the house at will, but not into my bedroom. I'm a light sleeper and he gets restless. It just doesn't work for me to have him in the room at night.

BTW: If you have a problem with your cat meowing outside the bedroom door... you can use the vacuum cleaner trick. It works great because cats are usually terrified of "Mr. Growly". And the nice part is Mr. Growly is the bad guy, not you.

You stand the vacuum cleaner up outside the bedroom door and turn it on, but unplug it. Run the cord so you can plug it in without getting out of bed (hopefully you have an outlet nearby). If cat comes to the door and makes a fuss, you just plug in Mr. Growly (aka the vacuum). The cat learns that Mr. Growly is a very light sleeper. Unplug it after a few seconds. Go back to sleep.

After awhile the cat will learn not to meow at the door. It worked great for me with a cat that always sat outside the bedroom door and meowed at 4 am.

[Fiddle-Faddle]

We used to have a cat like that, who was mine before the marriage. The one time I tried closing the door on him, he freaked out and THREW himself at the door, crying. Over and over. Needless to say, that woke us up worse than being walked on.

Our solution was to give him extra attention during the day and to wear him out at bedtime as much as possible (we took him outside for a walk on a leash, and had major playtime with homemade catnip toys). It really did help him sleep through the night.

It was also good practice for when we had babies!

[Viola 1]

Why not let the cat have access to the house minus your room? That's what I do with mine, he can roam around the house at will, but not into my bedroom. I'm a light sleeper and he gets restless. It just doesn't work for me to have him in the room at night.

BTW: If you have a problem with your cat meowing outside the bedroom door... you can use the vacuum cleaner trick. It works great because cats are usually terrified of "Mr. Growly". And the nice part is Mr. Growly is the bad guy, not you.

You stand the vacuum cleaner up outside the bedroom door and turn it on, but unplug it. Run the cord so you can plug it in without getting out of bed (hopefully you have an outlet nearby). If cat comes to the door and makes a fuss, you just plug in Mr. Growly (aka the vacuum). The cat learns that Mr. Growly is a very light sleeper. Unplug it after a few seconds. Go back to sleep.

After awhile the cat will learn not to meow at the door. It worked great for me with a cat that always sat outside the bedroom door and meowed at 4 am.

This wouldn't work for my dog. I train all my dogs from very young puppy to love the vacuum. It's a wonderful thing at shedding time But you are right, it would work great on most cats I know, and no harm done. Good Idea!

[jerseyangel]

Yea--my cat hates the vaccum cleaner. I use it every day--you'd think he'd be used to it and know it won't hurt him, but as soon as it comes out of the closet--he slinks out of the room and goes and hides.

[happygirl]

Elizabeth,

I can relate (to the cat issue, not the husband issue, but i'll throw in my vote for "he's being unreasonable.") We have two cats that were 6 years old when we got them (2.5 years ago). They used to keep me up all night long and it was awful...but I was a baby and I love them so much and didn't want to be mean. My mom, ever wise, told me that I couldn't keep losing sleep to the cats --- at this point, I was sick with undx'ed Celiac and was up all the time anyways, and was horribly sick.

I got over it....and we keep the bedroom door closed now (full time, actually, bc they are long haired and it keeps our bedroom cleaner). At first they didn't like it. I put foil outside my bedroom door to start with....they don't like the sound when they step on it so then they couldn't paw.

GOOD LUCK and get some sleep, sweetie. You deserve to be in your own bed, in your own bedroom, getting a good night's sleep. I'd put it the other way....if he wants to sleep with the cat so bad, then he can sleep in the guest bedroom .

Let us know!

[2Boys4Me]

Elizabeth - good luck! I agree with sleeping down the hall - I imagine it wouldn't be for long. The waking up your husband and having him deal with the cat seems a bit passive aggressive, but on the other hand he's sleeping and you're not, so if you accidentally spray him instead of the cat...

You need to do whatever you have to do to get your sleep. It is crazy that you are up at night because of the cat. My husband sleeps in the guest room because he needs to sleep with a white noise machine, ear plugs and blinders. Every time I roll over he wakes up and then wakes me up to let me know that I woke him up. It just wasn't working.

I don't get why he has a white noise machine AND ear plugs . Don't the ear plugs cancel out the white noise?

[tarnalberry]

I agree - husband's the unreasonable one here. He's putting the cat before you.

[jkmunchkin]

He's being unreasonable. The cat can sleep in the laundry room on a plushy cat bed. Tell him to think of it this way, now the cat will have his very own bedroom... how exciting!

[Rachel--24]

You stand the vacuum cleaner up outside the bedroom door and turn it on, but unplug it. Run the cord so you can plug it in without getting out of bed (hopefully you have an outlet nearby). If cat comes to the door and makes a fuss, you just plug in Mr. Growly (aka the vacuum). The cat learns that Mr. Growly is a very light sleeper. Unplug it after a few seconds. Go back to sleep.

This is great....I'm gonna have to try this on my cat who's been scratching and throwing himself against the door crying all night long. He HATES the vacuum...hehe.

I've had the cat for about 13 years. He actually belongs to my ex. When we were together the cat would sleep in our bed....usually on my pillow...right on top of my head.

I would always wake up with no pillow because he would slowly push me completely off the pillow till he had it all for himself.

If I moved or did anything to "disturb" him he would bite me...waking me up from a sound sleep. It was really bad right at bedtime when I'd be trying to get settled in because he would get upset by all my movement and pretty much "attack" me.

Some nights I'd be scared to close my eyes or even move. There were times when I woke up my ex because I was freaking out and wanted the cat out of the room. It didnt matter that I was BLEEDING or that I was too TERRIFIED to even close my eyes....the cat was staying in the room.

If we put the cat out he would cry and scratch outside the door which would keep my ex from sleeping....so it was better if the cat was in the room....tormenting me.

Somehow it was my fault because the cat could "sense" my fear and this is why he was acting this way.

Ummmm....hello....I'm in the dark....in a sound sleep...and suddenly being attacked to the point that blood is being drawn....and its MY fault???

Well, the cat is still around...the ex isnt...and the cat isnt allowed in my room.

He actually doesnt attack me anymore....he could share the bed with me (there are many pillows) but I have too many allergies now so I dont let him on my bed.

[Kaycee]

We have tried keeping a spray bottle full of water in the room so I can spray her when she meows

I guess I'm going to have to start sleeping in the guest room, which my husband will be upset about, but at least I'll get a full-night's sleep.

My first thought on reading this was to use the spray bottle and spray your husband, accidently of course!

Is it just a female thing that we can't sleep when either a child or a cat or dog, cries, meaows or barks, we wake up, while our husbands quietly (usually) sleep on?

Cathy

[Nancym]

Elizabeth - good luck! I agree with sleeping down the hall - I imagine it wouldn't be for long. The waking up your husband and having him deal with the cat seems a bit passive aggressive, but on the other hand he's sleeping and you're not, so if you accidentally spray him instead of the cat...

I don't get why he has a white noise machine AND ear plugs . Don't the ear plugs cancel out the white noise?

No, they work synergistcally together.

[Felidae]

Is it just a female thing that we can't sleep when either a child or a cat or dog, cries, meaows or barks, we wake up, while our husbands quietly (usually) sleep on?

So true, and their snoring doesn't wake them up or even the fire trucks with sirens blaring.

[Guest cassidy]

I don't get why he has a white noise machine AND ear plugs . Don't the ear plugs cancel out the white noise?

He has always had the ear plugs and recently added the sleep machine. He can still hear things with the ear plugs in and the white noise cancels everything else out.

I am making sure that our baby on the way learns to sleep in noisy places, or at least normal places - I don't think I could deal with two fussy sleepers!

[Fiddle-Faddle]

After one of my friends first said that she couldn't talk anywhere in the house when her baby was sleeping, and then unplugged her answering machine because she said when it clicked, it woke up her baby in the other room, I decided that my babies were going to be used to a lot of noise. We used to put them to sleep while we watched the news. It worked great--they can all sleep with lots of noise, which is just what we wanted!

[emcmaster]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies!!!

After a long fight on Friday night, we decided that we're going to try a few more things and set time periods not only for them to work but for the whole attempt at getting her to stop meowing at night. If after this time period she doesn't "learn", I'm sleeping in another room.

As wrong as I think my husband is, he honestly feels that it would be cruel to put our cat in the laundry room at night. Granted, she's a very emotionally needy cat and would probably freak out. There's no way to know how long it would take for her to get used to the laundry room. And Matt refuses to see that as an option, which makes my blood boil.

Friday night she managed to sleep through the night without meowing. Last night she meowed once (and I could tell it was from the bathroom), so i rushed out of bed, held her down and sprayed her in the face a few times. That was the last meow until this morning, when my husband rolled over on her when he was getting out of bed.

I'm not giving this whole "process" more than 2 months. IMO, if she can't learn by then, she's not going to learn. The whole situation just makes me very angry because he has chosen her over me. But, I really didn't give spraying her a reasonable amount of time to work. I am, however, going to make sure that most nights I turn the light on when I sit up to spray her... that will definitely wake him up and as irritated as he'll get, I'm hoping he'll see how frustrating it is to be woken up at night.