Daughter's Wedding

[Ursa Major]

I guess I just need to vent!

Our second youngest daughter is getting married in ten days (June 9th). She just called to ask me to let my husband know what she ordered for the rehearsal dinner on the 8th, and how much he will have to pay for it.

She ordered pizza and pies. I asked her if she ordered anything I can eat, and she told me that I am on my own, that I should just bring my own food.

Apparently, the mother of the bride is extremely unimportant and her needs don't have to be taken into consideration.

At least for the wedding dinner, she sent me the menu and I am supposed to call the caterer to tell him which of those things I can eat, and he'll make sure they are safe for me.

I'll be glad when the wedding is over!

I am REALLY looking forward to finally leaving for Germany on July 5th, and being gone for six weeks. I know that my aunt and the brothers I am staying with will do their utmost to spoil me and to make sure I am safe. Because they actually care about me.

[confused]

Im so sorry ursa, i would be upset to. And especially since you are paying for it.. is she usually like this or is she just stressed with the wedding and everything?

paula

[alamaz]

i'm sorry! that is so upsetting coming from your daughter. could your husband tell her that when she orders something her mom can eat he'll pay for it? it's so close to the wedding i'm sure she is just stressed out and feels like she can't "handle" anything else right now and it just slipped her mind. i hope you get to at least enjoy the day and can figure something out before jetting home to enjoy some peace and quiet!

[Ursa Major]

I would like to say that she is just stressed out. But actually, that is the way she always treats me, and is intentional. This is a young woman who NEVER gets stressed out, that is just not part of her nature.

She told me to stay out of her plans, since it's her wedding, and it will be done her way. Which suits me fine, because I can't handle stress at all (I have Asperger Syndrome, and just the thought of a large party, and having to get dressed up, and doing little things is enough stress for me - and she despises me for being 'weak' like this).

I am impressed that she actually thought to ask the caterer for the wedding dinner if he can provide a gluten-free meal for me, because I expected her to forget. So, I guess I should be thankful that I will at least be able to eat some things. No dessert, though. I might bring my own, because it isn't fair that I shouldn't have any.

[jerseyangel]

U,

I really am awfully sorry about this. It should be a happy time for the whole family--including you.

It always makes me sad (and a little angry, frankly) to hear of how some of them treat you thoughtlessly and instead of trying to make things easier for you, berate you for your condition.

You don't need any advice from me, you'll handle this with strength and dignity, because that's how you are. I just wish you didn't have to

[CarlaB]

I'm sorry. It has to be difficult.

Personally, I'd tell her I wasn't going ... if she has no consideration for you, why would you? Then, maybe she'll be more concerned whether you can eat. I'm kind of hard headed that way, though .... especially if I were paying for the dinner. Trust me, she would be embarrased to not have her mother at her rehearsal dinner.

[jkmunchkin]

Wow, I am so sorry your daughter is treating you like this. It's hurtful when anyone is so inconsiderate but you would expect her to go out of her way to accomodate you.

I kinda 2nd Carla's suggestion, but I know as a mother you probably want to be there; and knowing what a wonderful person you are, you would not be comfortable threatening not to come.

Just keep thinking about the wonderful, stress free time you are going to have in Germany

[Generic]

With me, I would just be a B**** about it. I would say sorry if you can't respect me or even be considerate of my needs, pay for everything yourself.

But that is just how I feel.

I'm sorry she is inconsiderate of you. One day she will realize how horrible she was to you and will regret it. Hopefully it won't be too late.

[Ursa Major]

I am very tempted to not attend the rehearsal. But all of my kids and their families will be there, two of whom will be coming a long way, and I haven't seen them for a while. My oldest daughter's four-year-old (almost five) twins will be the ring bearer and flower girl, and the three oldest kids and one son-in-law will be singing and playing the guitars, and my youngest daughter will be a bridesmaid.

I don't want to disappoint them all, my grandchildren would be upset not to see me, since they haven't seen me since Easter. And what can I tell them, I am not coming because their Auntie Janet is not treating me right? Plus, it's not her future husband's fault, either, he is a really nice guy.

I just hope they won't have all kids with celiac disease. I know Janet has plenty of symptoms, but is in denial at this point. And her fiance has a grandmother with celiac disease! So, with them it will be coming from both sides. I don't wish her that, but I almost feel like it would serve her right.

[CarlaB]

I understand that ... I just think that if you tell her you aren't coming because there's no food for you that she will make concessions. In the end, I think she will come around ... she would be highly embarassed if her MOTHER was not at her rehearal dinner because she couldn't eat anything there ... of course, you would TELL everyone why you couldn't be there!

If she doesn't change it, then just go home after the rehearsal and eat, then go late to the dinner. You still "didn't come to the dinner" just like you threatened.

[Ursa Major]

I understand that ... I just think that if you tell her you aren't coming because there's no food for you that she will make concessions. In the end, I think she will come around ... she would be highly embarassed if her MOTHER was not at her rehearal dinner because she couldn't eat anything there ... of course, you would TELL everyone why you couldn't be there!

If she doesn't change it, then just go home after the rehearsal and eat, then go late to the dinner. You still "didn't come to the dinner" just like you threatened.

Carla, the wedding, and therefore the rehearsal, will be a 1 1/2 hour drive from home. Otherwise your suggestion of going home right after the rehearsal to eat would be excellent advice. Unfortunately, that won't be possible.

I guess I am just too afraid of making people mad. It seems that lately, too many family members are angry with me, especially my husband and Janet. It seems that I can't do anything right, and my feelings and my health are extremely unimportant to everybody but my youngest daughter, who is ready to run away from home right now (I hope she won't). In fact, I don't want to live here anymore, either.

[alamaz]

Wow Ursa. It sounds like you and your youngest daugher need to take a vacation together and relax! It's hard to remember that your restrictions place stress on yourself and on the rest of the family and right now it sounds like there is a lot going on for you guys. Wedding planning takes a toll on every one involved. Once you get past this and every one has a chance to calm down and go back to the day to day I hope it gets better for you. Sometimes when people care and they don't know how to show it, it comes accross in other ways whether it's through anger, alienation, affection etc. It isn't right but it is what it is. Treat yourself to a spa treatment before the wedding so you look and feel fab. And remember, how you treat yourself will dictate how others treat you in return!

[Ursa Major]

Wow Ursa. It sounds like you and your youngest daugher need to take a vacation together and relax! It's hard to remember that your restrictions place stress on yourself and on the rest of the family and right now it sounds like there is a lot going on for you guys. Wedding planning takes a toll on every one involved. Once you get past this and every one has a chance to calm down and go back to the day to day I hope it gets better for you. Sometimes when people care and they don't know how to show it, it comes accross in other ways whether it's through anger, alienation, affection etc. It isn't right but it is what it is. Treat yourself to a spa treatment before the wedding so you look and feel fab. And remember, how you treat yourself will dictate how others treat you in return!

Actually, this is the way it always is, wedding or not. My husband is a control freak, who really isn't normal, and it is getting worse. And the daughter getting married is just like her dad, and is trying to control me and her little sister as well. It is an impossible situation.

[TinkerbellSwt]

I am so sorry Ursa... my brother is that way, but so far not to that extent. It started with the Superbowl, when they were going to be there. My sister in law likes to make dips and such and bring wheat thins! So I basically told my mother that I wasnt going to be there then, I have to take my health into consideration. I wish I had the answer for your problem.. your daughter doesnt sound like she is being a very nice person at all. I am sorry you dont have support from your husband either, that just makes it all worse.

Like jersey said, you are a strong woman, I know you will pull thru this, even though it stinks. Try to take it as it comes and be glad its almost over.

And remember those 6 weeks in Germany!!! YAY, that sounds like great fun for you! Please try to feel better.. you are a wonderful woman and deserve to be treated that way!

[JNBunnie1]

I don't think it's fair to say that family members suffer from stress because of their loved ones restrictions. Real love doesn't resent things like that. My boyfriend is better about being gluten-free than I am, because he loves me and he hates it when I hurt. I personally think that someone who lives with you and professes to love you should put your health above their convenience.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time Ursa. I hope it gets better for you, do you have any idea why your husband is so very controlling? My father used to be like that, very angry all the time, but even he was willing to go out of his way to help care for me when I ot sick and then when I went gluten-free. It's so sad for me to hear about so many people's problems with their families, I wish I could share mine so you guys could be happier!

[sparkles]

This is a really difficult situation... not just the wedding but the whole relationship thing with both your husband and your daughter.... I am sorry that you are going through this. I too HAD a controlling husband. We were married for 28 years.... I divorced him FINALLY and got healthy... emotionally and physically. I remarried and am very happy with a man who doesn't find pleasure in controlling everyone around him... anyway that is another story. BUT what I wanted to share is about control. I think that you would feel better if you took control of the situation and brought your own food to the rehersal dinner. You certainly do not need to explain as they know you have celiac disease. Don't make a big deal out of it... that gives the control over to them. I know that the first time I brought my own food to a family dinner I felt really strange but in the end, I was so much happier. I took control. This is your daughter's day but it is also your family. You're there to enjoy the day and your grandkids. Don't let people who have to maintain control determine whether you should enjoy the day, Your daughter told you that you were on your own... and I would take her up on that and take control of the situation. Now that I am used to bringing my own food, I am comfortable and I know that I will not get sick because of CC AND most important, I have control over my disease, etc. Good Luck..... I suppose it is too late to suggest that they elope!!!!!

[DestinyLeah]

It hurts to know that people can be so callous and careless with their actions and words.

I am planning two weddings for my fiance and me. There will be two so that accommodations can be made for friends and family. We are paying for both ceremonies ourselves, but my future mother in law is helping pick flowers. My fiance's ex, who we are very close to, is helping with various things. My grandmother is helping with the site and food. My mom is helping pick a dress. My stepmom is helping with invites, his stepmom will be involved. We are having two meal choices, with everything gluten free, so that various intolerances can be accommodated. I would be heartbroken if anyone felt in any way forgotten or left out. Family is so important, and we all have such a short time together... what purpose could being the "strongest, best, most affluent" be? Do your husband and daughter realize that they have to factor in the fact that that "accomplished" list includes "callous, angry, scared, afraid to truly love"?

They hurt the people around them. No one is better for it in the end.

At my wedding, Daddy is walking me down the ailse. Everyone will play a part. And I am sure that I will be happier in the end of my days about the way I have lived than your daughter- She may accomplish more by society's standards, and she may feel like she was never weak. But I have been unafraid to love, and I could die right now and feel that I had lead a life worth living, though "weak" and "unsuccessful".

And for your great heart, you have too.

[mamabear]

This is a really difficult situation... not just the wedding but the whole relationship thing with both your husband and your daughter.... I am sorry that you are going through this. I too HAD a controlling husband. We were married for 28 years.... I divorced him FINALLY and got healthy... emotionally and physically. I remarried and am very happy with a man who doesn't find pleasure in controlling everyone around him... anyway that is another story. BUT what I wanted to share is about control. I think that you would feel better if you took control of the situation and brought your own food to the rehersal dinner. You certainly do not need to explain as they know you have celiac disease. Don't make a big deal out of it... that gives the control over to them. I know that the first time I brought my own food to a family dinner I felt really strange but in the end, I was so much happier. I took control. This is your daughter's day but it is also your family. You're there to enjoy the day and your grandkids. Don't let people who have to maintain control determine whether you should enjoy the day, Your daughter told you that you were on your own... and I would take her up on that and take control of the situation. Now that I am used to bringing my own food, I am comfortable and I know that I will not get sick because of CC AND most important, I have control over my disease, etc. Good Luck..... I suppose it is too late to suggest that they elope!!!!!

Great advice, Sparkles....the most important person the day of the wedding is the bride and the next most important is the mother of the bride! Don't give them the power to hurt you, Ursa.....let her "eat cake" and you can make your own most favorite dessert.....she most likely is a typical bride...it's all about her"...and at least she offered to get the caterer involved in your dinner. I hope you do go,hold your head high and revel in the relatives that you want to see!! And have a great vacation in Germany!

[Ursa Major]

Thank you everybody for your support. Yes, of course I will go, bringing my own food (which is nothing new, of course), not letting on that I got hurt. I will have fun watching my gorgeous grandchildren enjoy being special in being the ringbearer and flower girl for their Auntie and new uncle, who they already love. He is fabulous with kids, and they adore him.

And the caterer, who actually knows what gluten is, is determined to make sure I have a delicious, very safe wedding dinner. He and I have been communicating by e-mail all day and have worked it out.

There will be roast beef, the gravy will not be thickened with anything, as it will be boiled down to thicken naturally, so I can actually have the same gravy as everybody else! Of course, there will be some spices in it. I might have painkillers the next day, but at least I won't be glutened.

I will have a couple of potatoes (not the roasted ones everybody else is having, though, because of more spices), beans and carrots, and he is bringing a small bowl each of the plain Caesar salad and mixed greens (minus the cucumbers and tomatoes everybody else is having). The dressings are impossible for me, so I am bringing my own.

There are two more salads and buns for everybody else (and croutons for the Caesar salad). But hey, what I can have is a far cry from the extremely plain dinner I was afraid I might end up with.

I will bring my own dessert, which I don't mind.

So, I am looking forward to the wedding day anyway.

Now, tomorrow is not a day I am looking forward to. My daughter and I are going shopping for a dress for me. I HATE clothes shopping (I usually do it over the Internet from Lands End or L.L.Bean), I HATE getting dressed up, and I HATE getting dragged from store to store.

The last dress, that I wore for two weddings (our second-oldest daughter and our son got married the same summer, and there was no way I'd buy two dresses) I got talked into by my daughter, who claimed it was the perfect dress for me. It was the same blue colour as my eyes, and apparently looked gorgeous on me, according to everybody who saw me.

But I felt uncomfortable in it all the way through both wedding days. It wasn't me, it wasn't my choice, it was my daughter's choice.

So, this daughter claims that she will respect my choice and let me get the dress I feel comfortable in. Remember, this is the daughter who told me I am on my own for the rehearsal dinner. I don't trust her, she tends to want things done her way and loves to glare at me in public places when I 'embarrass' her because I am not the person she expects me to be (I don't always know the rules for every situation, and apparently don't behave properly all the time, and I certainly can't be accused of being politically correct, either ).

She makes it clear that she doesn't want me to tell people I have Asperger Syndrome and Tourette Syndrome, and expects me to suppress my tics, or she might get mad at me. Right, she would like a different mother, I am not good enough.

Anyway, I hope I find a dress I like and enjoy wearing, and that we find it fast!

[DestinyLeah]

Unless she is paying for your dress, or your food for that matter, she can get over it. How did such a lovely lady have such a horrid child? I can think of a great word for her that the mods would hate.

Go to the wedding, have your fun, play with the grandkids. Your daughter would be hurt if you didn't go, or if you let on that you were uncomfortable. So refuse to be uncomfortable.

Besides, she has her dress and her body, put what you want on yours. And shame on her for being inconsiderate of others and unaccepting of differences and flaws, especially since she quite obviously has several that are *chosen* each time she shows them.

Much love and a yummy dessert!

~Destiny

[babygirl1234]

well atleast they are going to make you what you can have,

[Ursa Major]

I just talked to my oldest daughter, and the ringbearer appears to have celiac disease as well, meaning he can't eat the food, either! And neither can his older sister (who is also gluten-free) or his twin sister (nightshade intolerance) who is the flower girl. And the suggestion for the pizza came from my second oldest, who is diagnosed wheat intolerant (really, probably celiac disease)!

So, a whole bunch of the most important people won't be able to eat the food and have to bring their own. My oldest daughter lives a seven hour drive from where the wedding is, and has five kids, ages 7, nearly five (the twins), two and almost one. So, they have to go to the store that afternoon and find food the children can eat after the rehearsal. That is even worse than not caring about my food.

In fact, that makes me realize that I better arrange for food my grandchildren can eat as well! You don't need a glutened, emotional, bursting into tears ringbearer, who is going to lose his cool and will be sobbing if somebody looks at him the wrong way at the reception. Because that is the way he used to be before my daughter tried the gluten-free diet with him. He is still a sensitive child, but that weepy kid is a thing of the past. Plus, he has finally started gaining some weight, he was so scrawny before!

And my oldest granddaughter looked sickly, was too skinny and had rings under her eyes. Those dark circles are gone, and she looks much healthier. My daughter won't bother with testing, she has no intention of putting those two back on gluten. She'll try the rest of them one at a time when she has the energy.

I say she would do well to try the diet herself.

Anyway, it will all be over in eight days, and I am sure I'll survive. Hopefully my new son-in-law will be able to straighten Janet out a little, he is a very sensible guy.

And you know, everybody thinks Janet is such a fabulous young woman! But she usually gets her way, of course. She is a manager at work, where she gets to organize and boss others all day. And she is capable of doing it in such a way that everybody loves her! The only people she appears to be treating like crap is me and her younger sister. I really am not sure why.

[Creative-Soul]

Just wanted to give you the biggest cyber **HUGS** that I could.

You seem like such a wonderful person, and I'm sorry that you have to go through such horrid experiences with the very people one would expect would have more love and respect for you...

I hope you have a wonderful vacation full of rest, peace of mind and lots of pampering!!!

Much love...

[DingoGirl]

Ursula - - many hugs for you. This is a tough one.

Your daughter sounds incredibly selfish and self-centered.....to be so thoughtless, not only to her own mother, but to other food-sensitive family members as well....this is just an event that is going to have to be endured, I'm afraid. You must take from it what you can - - time with the grandchildren and other relatives who love you. And ALSO take - - your own food! I take my own food to most family dinners and events and it's just so much less stress for everyone that way. But, they ALWAYS provide something I can eat, and they always tell me in advance what they're cooking, so they can make adjustments if necessary, and sometimes, come to think of it, I only bring my own desert now.

Having said that......I am concerned that it will fall upon YOU to make the food arrangements for your grandchildren.....I know this is your lovely, caring maternal instinct....but part of me would LOVE to have the screaming glutenized children at the wedding, which would reflect badly on the bride - - it is HER problem, really, and if you go and take care of this for her - - well, it sets a precedent and also puts extra stress on you. But God bless you for your tender heart and wanting to take care of things! But the BRIDE should remember that this is a day for ALL to enjoy, not just the selfish bride.

This concerns me........

I guess I am just too afraid of making people mad. It seems that lately, too many family members are angry with me, especially my husband and Janet. It seems that I can't do anything right, and my feelings and my health are extremely unimportant to everybody but my youngest daughter, who is ready to run away from home right now (I hope she won't). In fact, I don't want to live here anymore, either.

...I think that you have been set up as their TARGET or victim....you are afraid of making them mad - - they sense this weakness, and will take any opportunity to pounce on you.....thereby making themselves feel superior. This is just disgusting, and so sad, and very perilous for your health....I DO hope you can find a way to get out......it's gone on for too long and I am afraid it will never change.

What I hope is that you will realize how precious you are, "tics" and all......you have a very kind and tender heart, you are brilliant and have worked so hard to take charge of your health, and you should really be with only the people who value and love you, and who won't constantly look for an opportunity to beat you down and minimize yoru health situation.

You'll get through the wedding, and you MUST stand up for yourself and compromise on a dress YOU feel comfortable in.....and then off to Germany! I say, DON"T COME BACK!!!

Hugs and love, let us know how it goes.

[AndreaB]

I'm so sorry Ursa!

I hope the wedding will be fun for you.....if nothing else seeing your grandchildren.

Have a fun time in Germany! It's a past due trip.