3 Years, Still No Support.

[tarnalberry]

As for the insurance issue, it was something I also had to deal with - as long as you send the insurance company proof of continuing education until their cutoff date, if it is not an additional fee to have you covered, then it really means nothing to your parents if you are still on there. They could, out of spite, cut you out of it, but they wouldn't have to do anything or pay anything (if you're automatically covered, and you send in the paperwork) to keep you on the insurance. Many colleges also have low cost health insurance, though, it's true, that is an added expense. If you're getting any financial aid, you do still have to deal with them to get their yearly tax forms. Unless you can declare yourself an emancipated minor (which is pretty darned difficult), go into the military, or get married, there's no real way around the fact you're hooked to your parents for financial aid, outside of exclusively private loans, and sometimes you need a cosigner on that as well. It's certainly not the pretty route to go, and if, other than the lack of respect and attempts at making you very ill, it's not a bad place to live, then seeing if the option of only eating outside of the house works may be a good first place to start. But your college should have someone to help you with this; if nothing else, the dean of students should be able to help point you in the correct direction. (And they are required to be discrete.)

[elonwy]

I left home when I was 17 because of a horribly abusive situation. I moved to another state where I had a friend, and started working for him while I crashed at his place. Through him I wound up falling into what has now been my career for 11 years, and I do very well for myself now. It was the best decision I ever made. I also didn't talk to my parents for two years, waited til I had my crap together to call them and ask them if they wanted to behave and be in my life again. They chose to straighten up, and now we have a great relationship, though I do only see them once a year, I talk to my mom on the phone alot.

Going out on your own is scary and risky. But if its the best thing for you and its going to save you from an abusive situation on any level, then sometimes it needs to be done. If you think you can hang on, and this its no so bad that you have to leave now, hang at home until you're done with school. Then pack your stuff and leave.

And by the way: You don't owe them ANYTHING. I don't care if there was 17 hours of labor and its cost them an arm and a leg to feed and clothe you your whole life, THEY chose to have a child and raise it. I now feel gratitude towards my mother for the good times, and feel like paying her back one day in care. Other than that, I don't owe her anything. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Good luck.

Elonwy

[happygirl]

Let me just say this.....

After reading all of your stories, you are all AMAZING. I give you all a lot of credit for going through these "family" issues......AND having Celiac.

Lis, I'm not sure what the answer is (probably some combination of all the great advice mentioned), but keep us informed. I am thinking about you and hoping for the best.

[gabby]

What diploma are you working on? How long is the program and what year are you in?

Maybe someone here can help you find a summer job in your field!

P.S. I live in Toronto and come from a small town near here...so I know what you're going through.

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

I agree with Laura. I'm not sure what the answer is either. It's probably a combination of all advices mentioned. But the most important thing is, that you make YOUR own decision. From us you can just get a view ideas (or our opinions) of how this decision could look like.

Like for example I moved out with 17. I never got abused physical, but my step-dad literally abused me psychological (with words). I always got to hear, how slow (in the brain) and lazy I was. It wasn't true though. By the time I finally moved out my self-confidence was so low, that, when somebody told me, I did something especially good or something worked out well, I started to get frustrated and even cry. I couldn't have people around that praised me for something at first. Until I realized, I was worth it. That I was a good person. It doesn't sound so bad from reading now, but it really was. And he always did it, when my mother wasn't around. When I told her about it, he said, I was lying, I was crazy. When I met my american husband and told my parents, I will come with him to the states, my step-dad said to me "Your mother can be glad, when you never come back!" My mother came over to the states at my wedding day, but my uncle-in-law gave me the walk down the aisle, because my step-dad never came. He never lost a thought about coming on the best day of my life. His stupid excuse was, he couldn't fly, because he has a whole in his ear and that could be dangerous. Heck, that's what doctors are for, right? But I don't want to lose my point here. Where was I... So, I moved out with 17. I already started planing, when I was 16. And then one day a K-9 unit came to our school and advertised the police job among us young people. When I heard, that the closest police school was 90 minutes from my parents, I was immediately hooked. I filled out the card and there I went one year later. It was the best decision of my life. I would always do it again... I was caring for myself for the first time in my life. I worked, learned, enjoyed myself, how incredible that was. But I also had the advantages of working for the state and therefore had an incredible health insurance. And since I was 17 I had to live in the police school where my platoon leader was my legal guardian from then on. And he was a PITA sometimes, too. But also a very funny person, which raised my self-confidence quite a bit.

So think about it, plan it, don't tell anybody (but us hehe...) and all of us try to help you.

You will be alright!

Hugs, Stef

[sneako]

uhg, I'm just glad I don't live with my parents anymore, and that I'm some 75 miles away, my mom always butts in when we eat out and say "my son can't have any gluten, AT ALL" and when I tell her to please leave ME to ME she gets all pissy and so does the rest of my family. Come on! I can handle myself! LEAVE ME BE!

[num1habsfan]

I want to say thank you already to all of you. You nearly all bring me to tears, just because of how supportive and caring you are to someone none of you have ever met. That doesnt happen very often with me.

I always have cooked my own gluten-free meals. And only cook enough for myself, because nobody except for dad sometimes will eat my food. Then they expect me to cook for them. Always has been that way. But I mean, how can I?? I couldnt sample if it was done, or warm enough, etc.

Everyone wants to know my career:

I'm going to a small regional college in SK. Well, I call it small, because you wont find more than 30 kids in a class (which is our class). We're the biggest out of any of the SIAST colleges in SK. And there is no dorms or anything available.

I have an auntie and uncle who live there, all their kids are old and live on their own (and most in other provinces) and they told me I could stay there, let them know when i get accepted, etc. So I didnt look for an apartment (my parents were considering it before school started, but then auntie and uncle offered). Well, like a couple weeks before class starts, they suddenly say no..

This is my first year, its just Business Year 1. Then I'll be majoring in accounting, which I will also take in the same college (to save expense). Then it'll either be to Saskatoon to the U of S, or Regina to the U of R (to those Americans, there IS a difference between college and University), for another 2 to 3 1/2 years. To again, major in accounting. If I can survive it, I'll go for a Chartered Accountant.

I dont drive. I know, I'm 21, and I should. But its not anything I'm skilled at. And the more I am pressured about something, the less I want to do it (because it just seems to scary/impossible). So the more people bug me to get my drivers, the less I want to go for them. I'm stubborn that way. And in driver training in school I nearly failed the class (no joke).

Hopefully this'll answer some of your questions. Lot of posts to try reply to

If any of you guys use messengers, and wish to give this advice/questions there, I use AIM (num1habsfan) and MSN (bahster_98@hotmail.com). Probably be easier than here

~lisa~

[tiredofdoctors]

I am so sorry that you are receiving that type of abuse from your family. It is unwarranted, mean-spirited, and downright scary that they would consider that endangering your health is funny. I have been very lucky that my family has been highly supportive -- even my in-laws. My house, of course, is completely gluten-free -- no BROW anywhere to be found -- my husband and I are pleased with the options we have found. My mother fixes my food first --then stores in the refrigerator in special containers prior to a dinner when we go over to her house. My mother-in-law, however, has not gotten the concept of gluten-free. She thinks that because she makes a different gravy (with cornstarch), that it doesn't matter that she "sprinkles" flour throughout all the other dishes she is making. My husband is going to have an educational talk with her -- she is a sweetheart, so I feel secure that she will take it in the spirit offered.

As I have read the responses, I have found that persons from my generation (I'm 43) are particularly outraged and are encouraging you to speak up. From my perspective, I think that when your relatives pull a stunt like eating bread then kissing you, I would ask them, "what is it about potentially endangering my health that you find so amusing? Please help me with it, so that I may share the joke, as well. Right now, I just feel scared that I'll get sick again, and I don't find that very funny." Or another, which I received from a therapist whom I respect greatly: "I'm sorry. I really need to apologize to you. (at that point, they will all be quiet, because they are receiving an APOLOGY) I must have mistakingly given you the impression that it is O.K. to abuse me, and it isn't. I'm very sorry that I made you think that. Please accept my apology and know that for sure, it is NOT O.K. for you to abuse me with what you consider "jokes", and that if it means that I have to choose not to be with you, I suppose that must be the consequences." It's hard to say, but WOW -- WHAT FREEDOM WHEN YOU DO!

My heart goes out to you. It's hard enough coping with this stupid disease as it is. To have to endure that type of behavior launched toward you is gut-wrenching to even read -- I can't imagine experiencing it. My prayers are with you. Please stay strong . . . . Lynne

[lonewolf]

Are there perhaps cultural reasons that your family feels the need to control you? I saw on another thread that you are Ukrainian. I'm not totally familiar with the whole Ukrainian culture, but I know that they aren't always, ummm, kind to the thought of women being independent.

Liz

[debmidge]

Liz, I was kind of mulling that over myself. Sometimes, I think it can be in any culture, that parents can be jealous of the goals and successes of their children because they feel they didn't get those opportunities. I think that was what was going on in my situation

[jerseyangel]

I can certainly relate to that. In this case, it could be an underlying factor.

[Rusla]

Lis,

As you are in an abusive situation the other thing you must look at is this. If you allow one abusive situation in your life of any type, that is all you will ever have. The sooner you break the pattern the better off you will be. I had an domineering moher, when I put an end to her abuse and stuck to my guns by not putting up with her garbage she somewhat changed. She knows if she tries anything with me I will hang up the phone etc. She still tries it with others who let her get away with it but no longer with me. Now is the time while you are young to break that pattern and show them you mean business. They are treating you like a beast of burden. Say no to abuse and crap and step out on your own or you will be under their thumb or someone else's for the rest of your life.

Randi-Lee

[Judyin Philly]

[quote

Or another, which I received from a therapist whom I respect greatly: "I'm sorry. I really need to apologize to you. (at that point, they will all be quiet, because they are receiving an APOLOGY) I must have mistakingly given you the impression that it is O.K. to abuse me, and it isn't. I'm very sorry that I made you think that. Please accept my apology and know that for sure, it is NOT O.K. for you to abuse me with what you consider "jokes", and that if it means that I have to choose not to be with you, I suppose that must be the consequences." It's hard to say, but WOW -- WHAT FREEDOM WHEN YOU DO!

[lovegrov]

I don't understand why your family won't eat at least some of the things you fix. I fix lots and lots of things that would be gluten-free whether I had celiac or not.

I'm not pressuring you to get your driver's license but it certainly seems like you'd have a lot more freedom that way.

Neither of these is a criticism. There's absolutely no excuse for the way your family treats you.

richard

[Guest BERNESES]

Lis- First of all, I want to say I'm sorry for the way or family is treating you. No one deserves to be treated that way- especially not by family.

Everyone has given you a lot of advice. Good stuff. A lot to mull over. Just remember that you must make the right decision for you and your HEALTH. That is the most important thing- physical and emotional health. If you can't or choose not to move out, I love the advice that tiredofdoctors gave you- From my perspective, I think that when your relatives pull a stunt like eating bread then kissing you, I would ask them, "what is it about potentially endangering my health that you find so amusing? Please help me with it, so that I may share the joke, as well. Right now, I just feel scared that I'll get sick again, and I don't find that very funny." Or another, which I received from a therapist whom I respect greatly: "I'm sorry. I really need to apologize to you. (at that point, they will all be quiet, because they are receiving an APOLOGY) I must have mistakingly given you the impression that it is O.K. to abuse me, and it isn't. I'm very sorry that I made you think that. Please accept my apology and know that for sure, it is NOT O.K. for you to abuse me with what you consider "jokes", and that if it means that I have to choose not to be with you, I suppose that must be the consequences." It's hard to say, but WOW -- WHAT FREEDOM WHEN YOU DO!

Damn it- that's good stuff! Start using it. And you keep talking to us. Best, Beverly

[debmidge]

Would your family priest or minister be a good choice of person to talk to your family?

Maybe if you can get him the info about celiac disease and the situation at home he can intervene on your behalf?

Is there a celiac disease support group in your area? Perhaps your Mom would go with you to a meeting to see that celiac disease really exists and to meet others with celiac disease.

So far you the only family member to be diagnosed with it: does anyone else in your family appear to have it silently? What irony it would be if they tested positive.

[Judyin Philly]

[quoteSo far you the only family member to be diagnosed with it: does anyone else in your family appear to have it silently? What irony it would be if they tested positive.

[WLJOHNSON]

I think that some members of our families are unable to acknowledge Celiac in you, because then they would have to take a look at themselves, and the possibility that they, too, might have the disease. It is, indeed, a genetic condition. I have faced some of the same responses from others that you describe, but I am 61 years old now, and since I have had symptoms since the age of 8, I have had awhile to get used to the idea that life means taking care of myself, no matter what the hardships or costs. I am a strong Christian, so I look to my Higher Power to help me along, and I have always made it through the toughest of times.

I think those of us with Celiac are like pioneers, destined to lead the way for others, who may have the disease but not realize it yet. If we can be happy and content, enjoying the foods that we can tolerate, it is a good incentive to help others on this path. Some of those same people who are annoying you now, may be coming to you for advice in years to come.

Do your best to focus on your health and well-being, always looking up to see what your mission in life is, and always knowing that there are others, like all of us here, who are going through some of the same tests you are. Best wishes. Welda Lou

[Nantzie]

I was thinking about the cultural/traditional aspect of this too. I know anyone in my family of my grandparent's generation, and many people of my parent's generation on both side of my family are "old school" too, and see illness or anything as a sign of weakness. My FIL won't go to the doctor because "all they're out for is money", and won't do anything alternative because "they're all con artists". You've got to chose one or the other, but he doesn't trust either. So basically, he's choosing just to sit and be sick.

It's those of us who won't accept health problems as our lot and life, and strive for a healthier existance that makes those type of people uncomfortable.

And there's also the mentality that people in familys who have someone with celiac get like -- well I've had all those problems all my life and you don't see me not eating stuff. If what she says is true, then half the family must have it. -- Instead of that being a lightbulb moment in the face of a genetic disease, they present it as evidence that it's a bunch of made up BS. Very sad really...

My FIL has had stomach problems for years, but he won't even listen to me about my own celiac, and just thinks I'm a hysterical hypochondriac. So I haven't even bothered to mention that he might have it yet. I just keep daydreaming that when he finally does go to the doctor, they'll diagnosis him with celiac. Wouldn't that be something?

I think that in the next several years, a lot of us will have stories about how the person who gave us the worst time about celiac, now has been diagnosed with it.

We truly are trail-blazers.

And accounting? Wow. See, we told you you're smart!

Nancy

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

Hi Lisa,

I think nobody in here intended to pressure you to get your driver's license. Even if it seems to you now, like you have no talent or skills to drive. I bet a lot of us drivers thought that upon learning to drive, including me . But after a while we got the hang of it and it is really fun actually. Think of all the fun things you could do, without asking your parents, relatives or friends to drive you. It's really convenience and that's something we celiacs don't have enough of anyway... And if you don't have the foot/hand coordination you can always drive automatic

Hugs, Stef

[Guest BERNESES]

I think nantzie was right on. My FIL's advice regarding depression and anxiety is that you should "Just have a drink and relax." He doesn't see it as a clinical disease. Like having a glass of wine would rearrange your brain chemistry, right?

Also, stef is right. I had a friend who didn't get her driver's license until she was 25 and she said, 'why did i wait so long? This is really fun!" Hang in there lis, Beverly

[stef-the-kicking-cuty]

I had a friend who didn't get her driver's license until she was 25 and she said, 'why did i wait so long? This is really fun!"

Haha , my best friend waited until she was 24 and then she got her license. And that only, because I told her, if she was gonna take over my martial arts school, when I move to the states, she needed a driver's license and a car to get there. After she passed the test and drove for a while, she said the same thing: "Why did I wait so long? This is really fun!"

Hugs, Stef

[tarnalberry]

My dad 'said' I could get my license, but wouldn't send me to driving school or teach me. (One of his little tricks of continuing to control me.) So I learned from my husband when I was 21 and we were about to graduate and start jobs such that I HAD to drive. (In his parents old car that he and his brother learned to drive in.) I thought 15mph was horribly dangerous and I was going to kill someone (though no one was on any of the back streets I was driving on). I thought that two lane, undivided streets (like in residential areas) with cars parked on the side were the worst invention ever, because there was no way I could avoid hitting those parked cars. And I thought the whole world should be leveled, because driving on hills was crazy! And don't get me started on parallel parking in really tight spaces!

After about a month, I realized it wasn't so bad (particularly freeway driving - I found that much easier than in-town driving), and wish I had done it sooner, if for no other reason than to have a little more control over my own life. But you have to do it when the time is right. Don't let your parents keep you from doing it (even if it's by pressuring you)!

[num1habsfan]

Blah, you know its not getting any better than your family freaks out on you out of nowhere and calls you an ***hole for no reason..

~lisa~

[Ursa Major]

I'm sorry about your ongoing problems, Lisa. Really really look at all your options and see if you can't get out somehow.

By the way, I got my drivers license when I was 35, because (after being hit by a car at the age of 15) I was afraid of cars coming from the right (it would make me shake). But that fear just disappeared when I started driving! And I know a lady who learned to drive in her sixties, because, after her husband died, she wanted to be independent and not having to wait for people to give her rides.

There aren't many people who truly can't learn to drive. Don't assume you're one of them until you have honestly tried. I bet you would do just fine!