Fuming...mil Doesn't 'get It'!

[anerissara]

Argh, do you guys mind if I vent for a second?

My in-laws went to Rome a few weeks ago, and guess what my mother in law brought me back for a gift? A WHEAT chocolate torte!!!

A little background...My MIL has been difficult for a couple of years now and we are experiencing a sort of holy war in our family--she has become ultra-Catholic of late and DH and I have been going to a non-denominational church for a year now...long story, but she's really on the warpath and I am ground zero for her attacks. So they went on this pilgramage to Rome and she came back with the offending torte.

My inlaws KNOW that I can't have gluten. I have explained in detail several times what happens when I do, and I have not purposely eaten anything I knew had gluten in it for nearly 2 years now--no matter how tempting the item was. At every family gathering with them, my son and I go without birthday cake, dessert, half of most of the meals she makes...and I know she understands the situation. I know that cooking gluten-free is a pain and I don't expect her to. But this time she walks in and presents me with this torte and announces "This is from one of the most expensive hotels in Rome and it is well worth eating even if you do get sick"!

What do you say to something like that? It is well within her personality to have done that on purpose, sort of a "I'll bring you something from my trip but it will be something you can't have". Dh, of course, will enjoy eating it by himself...but I just think it was a totally rude thing to do! There is no food on earth that is worth feeling as bad as I do...for as long as I do...if I get gluten! Even a trace makes me sick, I can't imagine what would happen if I ate a torte! On top of that, my MIL is lactose intolerant and for years I have spent a fortune making her lactose-free desserts and dinners whenever we have them over. Seriously, I've even made her dairy free *cheesecakes*. I felt like asking her if I were diabetic, would she give me a pound of candy and suggest that I should eat it because it's so good it's worth going to ER in a coma?!? I'd be sick for a month if I ate a regular wheat torte. Sigh.

Does anybody else have someone in their lives that just refuses to "get it"? What do you say or do about that? Whimp that I am, I just thanked her for thinking of us and stuck the think in our fridge for DH to eat later. But it really hurt...and I'm really mad at her for purposely buying the one thing she knows I *can't* enjoy!

[Guest nini]

vent away... you have every right to feel hurt... it could be that she's just clueless, but it almost sounds like she is doing it on purpose.

my ex boss used to send me out to get Krispy Kremes for everyone, even though he knew I couldn't have them, and gave me a gluten filled cheesecake and a bottle of some liqueur last Christmas (I don't drink either) and he didn't care (I'm sure he regifted anyway)... but there are reasons he's now my EX boss...

[Amanda L]

I'd go buy her something with lactose in it and tell her that it's so good, it's worth getting sick over.

I hate my MIL, but luckily they live across the country from us.

[plantime]

I guess I am one of the fortunate few. Allergies and intolerances have ruled diets on all sides of my family, in-laws included, for generations. No one hollers about what anyone is able to eat or not eat. For gifts from trips, we always try for t-shirts or knick-knacks. I am very sorry that your mil is that way to you.

[TriticusToxicum]

Argh, do you guys mind if I vent for a second?

My in-laws went to Rome a few weeks ago, and guess what my mother in law brought me back for a gift? A WHEAT chocolate torte!!!

A little background...My MIL has been difficult for a couple of years now and we are experiencing a sort of holy war in our family--she has become ultra-Catholic of late and DH and I have been going to a non-denominational church for a year now...long story, but she's really on the warpath and I am ground zero for her attacks. So they went on this pilgramage to Rome and she came back with the offending torte.

My inlaws KNOW that I can't have gluten. I have explained in detail several times what happens when I do, and I have not purposely eaten anything I knew had gluten in it for nearly 2 years now--no matter how tempting the item was. At every family gathering with them, my son and I go without birthday cake, dessert, half of most of the meals she makes...and I know she understands the situation. I know that cooking gluten-free is a pain and I don't expect her to. But this time she walks in and presents me with this torte and announces "This is from one of the most expensive hotels in Rome and it is well worth eating even if you do get sick"!

What do you say to something like that? It is well within her personality to have done that on purpose, sort of a "I'll bring you something from my trip but it will be something you can't have". Dh, of course, will enjoy eating it by himself...but I just think it was a totally rude thing to do! There is no food on earth that is worth feeling as bad as I do...for as long as I do...if I get gluten! Even a trace makes me sick, I can't imagine what would happen if I ate a torte! On top of that, my MIL is lactose intolerant and for years I have spent a fortune making her lactose-free desserts and dinners whenever we have them over. Seriously, I've even made her dairy free *cheesecakes*. I felt like asking her if I were diabetic, would she give me a pound of candy and suggest that I should eat it because it's so good it's worth going to ER in a coma?!? I'd be sick for a month if I ate a regular wheat torte. Sigh.

Does anybody else have someone in their lives that just refuses to "get it"? What do you say or do about that? Whimp that I am, I just thanked her for thinking of us and stuck the think in our fridge for DH to eat later. But it really hurt...and I'm really mad at her for purposely buying the one thing she knows I *can't* enjoy!

Not that this wouls help at all, but you could make her a dairy filled cheesecake and place said poison torte on top as decoration. See if she gets it then

It took my MIL forever to "get it" (still fumbling her way through). What is it with in-laws? It seems the only thing they do well is procreate!

[rinne]

Wow, what a story. Rant away, I think I would have handed it back to her with, " No thank you but perhaps if it is lactose free you will enjoy it."

I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with this and it sounds like she lives near you, yes?

Me too.

My MIL told my husband she didn't think that I was really sick, that I just read too much. This is a woman I have known for twenty years and have made every effort to be a good DIL to. When I confronted her about it, she denied any responsibility and suggested that actually it was my sweetie who said I was just lying around all day and that he had been the one being mean to me. (NO EMOTICONS FOR THIS) I learned in that moment why my husband avoids his mother, I understood then that she would betray him and throw our marriage on the rocks to avoid apologizing. I am very clear that any contact I have from now on with her will be polite but as infrequent as I can manage.

[anerissara]

Yup, MIL lives about 10 minutes away. Sigh. We used to be very close, but she's just gotten really difficult over the last few years and right now I really wish we didn't live so close!

Wow, rinne...sorry your MIL is difficult too! I can't believe she said that. I am sort of in your boat as far as realizing what we're dealing with here...dh prefers to avoid him mom, too and although she and I used to be thisclose I am getting a real education as to why he chooses to avoid her!

LOL about the "only thing they do well is procreate". Too funny!

I think I'd walk if my boss made me get Krispy Kream for the office. Sheeh! Glad he/she is no longer your boss. I hope you had paid sick leave, so after you dealt with his/her nasty gluten you could go home and be ill on *their* time LOL

Thanks guys, you're cheering me up

[Guest cassidy]

I think that she does "get it." It sounds like she did it on purpose. If she said she knew it would make you sick then she completely understood what she was doing. I would think anyone with a food allergy/intolerance would be able to sympathize with what we go through. I definitely see this as part of the holy war and I think it was supposed to hurt you.

You could be petty and stop making her lactose free stuff or give her a lactose filled gift, but it probably wouldn't make you feel better.

Be proud that you handled the situation with class and didn't give her a reaction that she probably wanted. You do have a right to be hurt but she is the one with the problem.

[anerissara]

Thanks, cassidy. You're right, she knew exactly what she was doing and I do think it was probably part of her problem about where we're going to church. Thanks for the words of support, I am tempted often to fight back with the same sort of thing but all it would do is bring me down to that level. Some days are easier than others

[lindalee]

I think you may be right about the church thing. A friend of mine left the catholic church to non denominational and had a mess for a while but all is great now. She stuck to her guns but was nice to them.

The next time she invites you over to eat will be a good time to explain your reservations about that after her gift.

Does she understand that is like rat poisoning to us? I think I would ask her and hopefully she will apologise. She needs to do that before I would trust her.

With the holidays coming up, she needs to see the distance she is causing.

[emcmaster]

To be honest, I'd just ignore her offending practices. She's not going to "get it", sadly.

I've not had an experience with someone that brought me poisonous treats, but I have had a friend tell me that he thought my "paranoia" (not the word he used) over being so careful about CC was in my head. He had the audacity to tell me a story of his own personal experience of reading the symptoms of Addison's disease online and convincing himself he might have it... and he related that experience to mine with celiac! ARRRGH!

I've come to realize over the past 7 mo that celiac is not something someone without it can really relate to. No matter how many times you tell them, they just don't understand. My husband is an angel about it, thank goodness, but my parents are only starting to come around.

I guess you need to decide whether it's worth causing a bigger rift than you already have, to tell her. If it is, and I can surely understand your decision on that, then tell her in the nicest way possible how much it hurts your feelings that she continually gives you poisonous things. If it's not worth it, mention how your dh loved the tort and start bringing your own desserts for you and your son to her dinners.

((hugs))

[Gamecreature]

I don't think Rat Poison is the proper metaphor. When you consider the damage it causes to your intestine, I think Draino is more appropriate. Does she smoke? If not, ask her how she would feel if you offered her a cigarette. Use her own words - "It is well worth it even if you do get sick." Lots of people do things that are bad for them but if she won't do something that is bad for her, how can she ask you to do the same thing?

[kabowman]

Great job doing all the specialty cooking for her. And great job not stooping to her level, no matter how GREAT it would actually feel. Trust me, it would feel really good too.

I did that for thanksgiving and they brought all kinds of food with them to make my FIL sick (true milk and corn allergies). My food was safe but he chose to eat that food and get sick and have his throat close up.

My DH listens to his parents, agrees with what they say, nods and goes about his business, then does what he wants. She keeps thinking we are going to visit because DH won't say boo to her. I do and so I am the evil horrible person. I can't just do that...she acts like a little spoiled child.

OK, my rant is over. They did procreate well though...hadn't thought of that angle!!!!

[ajay]

Argh, do you guys mind if I vent for a second?

My in-laws went to Rome a few weeks ago, and guess what my mother in law brought me back for a gift? A WHEAT chocolate torte!!!

...

Does anybody else have someone in their lives that just refuses to "get it"? What do you say or do about that? Whimp that I am, I just thanked her for thinking of us and stuck the think in our fridge for DH to eat later. But it really hurt...and I'm really mad at her for purposely buying the one thing she knows I *can't* enjoy!

anerissara, please vent! Especially here. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

My "fantasy" reactions:

1) insist on serving her a slice topped with a ton of (lactose filled) ice cream.

2) say "I'm so glad it's worth eating even if it makes me sick... shall we pack it up and enjoy it in the ER?"

3)Bring it to your non-ultra-Catholic non-denominational church group and then tell her how much everyone there enjoyed it. [my favorite choice]

Be proud that you are far more gracious than I!

I think it she knew exactly what she was doing and it was rude, mean, and distinctly unChristian. I also believe that while being lactose-intolerant is not fun, there is a big difference between a lactose intolerant person "cheating" and a celiac "cheating".

I think this does give you an automatic excuse to pass on future dinner invites you get from her. Especially if your son needs to be gluten free as well. You can explain that you don't think she seems to take it very seriously, and it's one thing if you get sick, but totally another if your son gets sick, and you really don't want to trouble him with things like thyroid disease, osteoporosis, and bowel cancer when he grows up.

[floridanative]

Wow! What a story....so sorry you have such a thoughtless MIL. Luckily for me I can not relate at all. The worst thing my MIL did was ask me which cake I preferred at an Easter function. Everyone just busted up laughing since she only asked me....the only one who had eaten none of the cakes! It was really funny, even to me.

I'm not sure how your DH feels about this, but it may take him giving his Mother a talking to so his Mother isn't so rude in the future.

[skipper30]

I am so sorry! I have a MIL/FIL like that too! She is a piece of work! I wish I had a great bit of advice for you...but I still struggle with what, how and when to put my foot down with mine!!

[anerissara]

ROTFL about the fantasy reactions! Those are great. It's true, lactose intolerance is very different from gluten reactions. If I've been glutened I get reactions to lactose, too...I spent several years dairy-free before I went gluten-free and it was entirely different. If I'm sensitive to dairy, I might get some bloating and a little D within a few hours of eating it...then I'm fine. With gluten, it's several days later and lasts for over a week, and that's wiht just trace amounts!

Thanks for the laugh

I wish DH would talk to her about it, but he's a big chicken when it comes to facing his mom. Usually, he chickens out and tones down what he needs to say, which ends up making me sound like a big whiner and doesn't help at all. Sigh. I actually feel sort of abandoned in a way when my hubby can't stand up for me against his mom...and believe me, the wheat torte is just the tip of the iceberg--that woman has done some truely terrible, hurtful things to me in the last year. I've been able to forgive and move on so far but if it doesn't improve I may snap one of these days and recite that fantasy list of responses loud and long LOL.

[rinne]

Yup, MIL lives about 10 minutes away. Sigh. We used to be very close, but she's just gotten really difficult over the last few years and right now I really wish we didn't live so close!

Be proud that you handled the situation with class and didn't give her a reaction that she probably wanted. You do have a right to be hurt but she is the one with the problem.

I thought that my MIL and I had become closer over twenty years, I have often called her to talk to her because I know she is lonely and we have had long chats. Now I know that I do not exist to her, really and that is what my DH has known all along. I wish I had trusted him more and been less the good DIL.

Cassidy is correct, the high road is the only one to take.

[anerissara]

I thought that my MIL and I had become closer over twenty years, I have often called her to talk to her because I know she is lonely and we have had long chats. Now I know that I do not exist to her, really and that is what my DH has known all along. I wish I had trusted him more and been less the good DIL.

That's exactly how I feel! We actually moved back to this state to be close to family, and now it turns out family doesn't really care *where* we live. I feel like a fool for giving up our house in a nice little city and moving here, only to find that unless I am serving my MIL she has no use for me

I guess I'm being melodramatic and should really get over myself...I don't need to get into a pity party over this. It's just one thing in a chain of hurtful things she's done lately, and it's not even a big thing. I guess at least I know where I stand and can start to distance myself...I can be nice and gracious without investing myself emotionally the way I've done before. It's too bad, really.

I'm sorry you have a tough MIL, too...it makes things really hard especially during the holidays!

[TriticusToxicum]

Cassidy is correct, the high road is the only one to take.

...and you have a better chance of hitting her with the torte from there too

[rinne]

That's exactly how I feel! We actually moved back to this state to be close to family, and now it turns out family doesn't really care *where* we live. I feel like a fool for giving up our house in a nice little city and moving here, only to find that unless I am serving my MIL she has no use for me

...and you have a better chance of hitting her with the torte from there too

I was going to say the high road might lead to another city but I like Richard's suggestion too.

[luvs2eat]

I was actually going to come to your MIL's defense as being kindly ignorant. Can't tell you how many well-meaning friends have served me soup and proudly proclaimed "There's no wheat in it!" only to see pasta floating everywhere!

But your MIL KNOWS and tells you that it's worth eating even if it does make you sick??

I have no words for her brand of caring...

[Sissy]

I bet your MIL is a very controlling woman and is also self righteous because she feels she is a "good Catholic". I would try to put as much emotional space as possible between her and myself if I were you. If you do this then when she pulls these mean spirited antics they will not provoke that MIL choking instinct so much. I think you did the right thing...basically just ignored her attempt to get to you...I'm sure if she is lactose intolerant she is savvy enough to know that you would not eat a gluten loaded torte no matter how expensive the hotel it came from or how yummy it looked....and besides that, who ever heard of bringing someone a torte from Rome as a gift....I have traveled a lot and brought home tons of gifts for my friends and daughters, but never thought to bring home a torte.!

I love the fantasy reactions and comments, but think they are best left to fantasy. Now, if she tries to poison your child with gluten that is a whole other story... In that case I would have a family meeting and lay down the rules on that....there is no way that she can even think about trying to sneak gluten filled cookies or cakes to your child. Sissy

[dragonmom]

Tell your mil that God will forgive her for all her sins and remind her to do unto others as she would have them do unto her........I really get irritated with " religious holier than thou " people. My MIL is sooo different- she fixes like two or three meals so that she knows that I will be able to eat something. I feel really bad that she goes to all that trouble- but she is a good cook. ( She does pull out frozen cakes all the time when we are there and asks if I can eat it.) I think it is a really hard concept for some people.

[daffadilly]

that mother in law must have had to work really hard to bring home a torte!! & then to have the tackiness to mention how expensive it was. I would be wrapping that thing up and taking it back to her for thanksgiving & tell her that it was so expensive that you just did not feel right eating it all by yourself, that you just had a cheap bowl of ice cream instead, actually I would have the thing delivered over there with a note to the above and I would also mention that since one does not mind eating things that make them sick, you will not be making any more dairy free goodies for her since she no longer feels the need to abstain from foods that make one sick.

Also, I love to tell you that since your MIL is lactose intolerant there is a HUGE possibility that she is also gluten intolerant. In fact it could already be affecting her brain and she might not live to a ripe old age either.

If I did not do the above - it would have been pitched in the trash. If your husband actually ate it I would consider that very tacky indeed.